Chapter 17: My secrets are my own.

-Thessia, Matriarch Terriana's offices

She had been in the meeting for what felt like forever.

The turian diplomat just droned on and on, and Terriana knew he was attempting to impress her with his wit. Over the centuries she had been presented with every offer imaginable, and turned every last one of them down. Her mind drifted away from the present, and she thought about how none of the offers she'd had ever seemed very genuine. Usually it was just because the universe was obsessed with asari. Some may have been legitimate affection, but nothing had ever stirred her heart and this boring turian certainly wasn't getting anywhere. He wanted a political alliance more than a lifelong loving partnership, anyway.

Well, in the end, it does boil down to everyone just wanting a piece of you.

Finally, after what seemed like an age, he stopped talking and got up to take his leave of her. She rose as well and graciously offered her hand before watching him depart. She tried to remember what he had been saying, but couldn't put her finger on what exactly his point was. She'd have to go through the meeting logs the next day out in the garden with Danger, now that she was mostly done punishing the human and was starting to become lonely for her companionship. Yes, tomorrow she would fetch Danger and deal with whatever it was this meeting was about. For now, she was just tired of being the up and coming Matriarch Terriana and she wanted to rest.

Falling back onto her chair, exhausted, she looked over the following day's schedule.

More meetings. Oh what a surprise.

She looked out the window at the young maidens training in the garden and for a brief moment felt a pang of regret for never training as a warrior. The way the moonlight caressed their blue skin and reflected on their weapons was an entrancing sight.

You can't dwell on that. You had to make a choice and you made it. It's worked out well. Seven hundred years walking this planet, and no one has a clue. What's a little boredom? It's better than the alternative.

She rose once again, and opened her door to leave only to run straight into her security officer, who was pacing just outside.

"Danger, what are you doing?"

"Well, um, I was just. Yea. The meeting was really going late so I just stationed myself out here to um. Patrol! Yea…" Terriana watched as Danger started scratching the back of her head, and got the distinct impression that the human was struggling with some sort of internal dialogue.

The matriarch suddenly realized how close she was to her hired bodyguard, and drew a silent, but sharp breath. She didn't back off though, feeling her skin start to tingle and react to the heaviness in the air. Instead, she drew herself to her full height which admittedly was a couple inches taller than the human, and watched in some amusement as Danger subconsciously attempted to do the same. It brought her nearly eye level, and the matriarch noticed for the first time that Danger's eyes were the most mystical green she had ever observed.

Interesting.

Then Danger was stammering something about vigilance and never relaxing guard, but Terriana wasn't really listening. She was busy looking back through her memories of the centuries for anything that would help to explain this strange behavior, or the strange electricity that seemed alive in the air surrounding them. It was causing her head to swim. She was already so close; all she needed to do was lean forward into the mercenary just a tiny bit. She could close the distance and ease all the pain in a matter of seconds; it would only take seconds…

Then Danger was saying something else about the situation being under control and leaving now, and as suddenly at it had arrived when the door opened and she stepped neatly into the human, the electricity that filled the air was gone. Terriana backed into the room again, closing the door and sinking onto a couch. Suddenly, her thoughts were racing out of control.

This can't be happening.

You knew it would happen.

I had no way of knowing this would happen.

You knew. You wanted this. There's no other explanation for all your actions, no other logical reasoning for even hiring her.

I can't want this.

You can't want this or can't have it?

Both.

She had to find some way to put some distance in between her and the mercenary before it drove her mad. She went over to her desk and picked up a datapad. She sent a message to Rolus with some instructions and then sank back into her chair.

I have to get this under control. I don't have a choice. This is the best course of action. This is the only course of action.

The matriarch buried her head in her hands and prayed for the night to be over.

-Thessia, The open road – Early morning, two weeks later

Danger needed to clear her head. Things were rapidly going from bad to worse, and she was beginning to think that maybe she had made a mistake coming here to Thessia. She maneuvered the small rover around some fallen rock, and slumped down in her seat. It was a leisure vehicle, not meant for any serious driving, but it was a good car and could navigate the terrain easily. She'd had it delivered from her garage on Earth a month or two after she had gotten here, so that she had something to tinker with during her stay on the planet. Slowly she had been moving all of her cars here, having rented a small facility in a nearby city. It just didn't make sense to leave them on Earth. Who could know when this job would be over? Danger was in no hurry to leave. Well, at least the thought hadn't crossed her mind until recently.

Why is she doing this? I could deal with the silent treatment every now and again, but this is going too far. What does she want from me? Why doesn't she just tell me to leave?

Danger was feeling particularly lonely today. It had been two weeks since she had spoken to or accompanied the matriarch on an excursion, and even longer than that since she had guarded a garden logging session. While Terriana had not fired her nor had Rolus tell her to move on, she hadn't sought out the mercenary either. Danger knew she was still attending her various meetings on other worlds and occasionally saw her out in the garden listening to her logs, but it just seemed that Terriana wasn't interested in bringing Danger anymore. She had a new bodyguard.

Her foot depressed the gas pedal further and she shifted into high gear. She leaned back with one arm on the wheel and the other on her gear shifter, and watched the sun rise over the horizon. It was a wondrous sight and the specially formulated glass Danger used for her windshield magnified the light with such clarity that it took the human's breath away. Up ahead, the road turned to the right sharply, circling a hill and winding into the distance, away from the nearly impassable mountain range to the left. This was one of Danger's favorite roads on Thessia. It gave a good clear view of the sun rising over the valley, and it was secluded. The asari native to the world rarely traveled it.

Danger sat back up in her seat, and pushed the gas pedal further. The car accelerated, but it wasn't enough. Danger was starting to get that rush, and now seemed as good a time as any to chase it. She shifted into neutral, released the clutch, tapped the accelerator, and then downshifted. Feeling the car respond beneath her skillful manipulation, she accelerated and the edge raced up to meet her.

It would be so easy and fast. No one would ever even find me down there. It would be so easy to do.

She kept accelerating, and felt the engine start to protest under the stress.

I'll bet she wouldn't even notice I was gone. I'd have to wait for Jane to figure out what happened.

Her eyes narrowed, and the edge started to swim in her blurry vision as she blinked back the tears that threatened to spill over.

Yes, so easy. It would be a fitting end for the legendary idiot mercenary Darla Vance: death, at the bottom of a ravine on Thessia, in one of her rovers. Perfect.

The sun was just lifting itself fully above the horizon, and its first rays shimmered off the windshield and hood of the polished machine, shining a metallic blue in the air that reminded Danger strangely of the matriarch's eyes.

Well, maybe not today…

She cut the wheel hard to the left, and the car spun to the side and slid for several meters, and then settled just along the edge before picking up speed again, racing up the side of what looked like a mountain trail.

It still wasn't enough.

Danger shifted into neutral again, released the clutch, tapped the accelerator, and downshifted once more. The car fell into gear, but this time it protested the speed and power Danger was attempting to draw from it. Danger didn't back off the gas though, and the poor little rover gave all it could as it raced up the mountain. She kept the gas pedal depressed, rushing to meet the sky, almost as if she could launch the car into space and leave the planet behind forever.

The rover wasn't going to launch though, and she felt the machine give the last bit of its life under her abuse. It lurched once, twice, thrice, and then the transmission seized. The rover came to a stop just before breaking the peak of the small mountain.

Danger sat there for a few minutes, just looking up at the sky. It didn't look quite like Earth's sky, but it wasn't too terribly different either. She thought she could see Omega from here.

That's where I should be right now. There's all the asari anyone could ever want, out on Omega. I need to talk to Jane. She'll know what to do. Jane always knows what to do. I'll deal with this rover later. I'm so sorry, old girl. I'll get you a new transmission.

Danger exited the vehicle and ran her hands along the side of the rover; almost an apology for taking her frustration out on the machine.

I better start walking.

Darla "Danger" Vance looked back at the sky one more time, and then started making her way back down the mountain.

-Thessia, Matriarch Terriana's Offices – late evening

Rolus entered the matriarch's offices without knocking, and closed the door behind him. She looked up from the datapad she was reading, ready to shout at him for interrupting her, but the look on his face froze the words on her tongue.

"You need to get rid of that Commando."

She turned off the datapad and folded her hands on her desk.

"I'll do no such thing. I can no longer count on Danger to perform her duties."

"Then why is Danger still here? If you think her so incompetent, then get rid of her."

"Who I employ is my business, Rolus." She stretched one hand and examined her nails, scraping at one absently with her other hand.

"It's my business when it affects the day to day operations of this office, Matriarch. You need to get rid of that stupid Commando. Danger has been sleeping out in the lounge for weeks. You have been a furious wreck for at least that long. It's ridiculous. We've gotten nothing done."

"I'm surprised they didn't just bed down together," the matriarch replied, but she secretly was surprised. She had purposely chosen the most attractive of the available Commandos, and then stationed her in Danger's offices. Maybe if Danger had acted on lust and involved herself with the other asari, the matriarch could justify her poor treatment of the human.

"You know, for a woman your age, you can act awfully immature." He crossed his arms, and glared at her. She was acting ridiculous. He knew fully well that she was interested in that human, but for some reason she just couldn't articulate it. Instead, she was going out of her way to abuse the poor creature, and now Danger had finally had enough. She was bailing.

"I'm sure I have no idea what you are talking about." She turned her attention to a datapad and started writing something, hoping that he would take the hint and leave.

He didn't.

"You know exactly what I am talking about, Matriarch. Danger has done nothing wrong, and you have been punishing her for what feels like forever. Give her a break. She stopped training in the garden, and has been sufficiently miserable since you put that Commando in her room. You should be pleased."

The matriarch looked up from what she was writing and saw that he was certainly not joking. In fact, this was the first time Terriana could remember him actually looking angry. His normally jovial face was as stone cold as the C-Sec guards she had seen on the citadel, and his eyes flashed with a fury she had never seen in him before.

"Get rid of the Commando, or let Danger go. She deserves better than this."

She felt a slight pain in her chest at his choice of words. She didn't really want to let Danger go.

"I'll remind you that you are not in charge here, Rolus."

"And I'll remind you, that you are acting like a jackass toward someone who has done nothing but cater to your every whim." He uncrossed his arms, took one step forward and pointed a finger at her. "I don't know what imagined insult you think you are suffering at her hand, but I can guarantee you that it's entirely in your head. That human puts up with more of your nonsense than any turian or asari would, and there's only one possible explanation as to why. Get rid of that Commando, or I promise you very soon Danger is just going to walk. Then you'll be sorry."

Terriana opened her mouth, and then closed it again. She had hired the Commando after the incident outside her office, and had given the woman explicit instructions to take over the security center, including the cot her bodyguard had set up in there. While she didn't have the woman accompany her into her logging sessions in the garden like she had with Danger, she did bring the Commando to all of her meetings off world. She started avoiding Danger entirely. Now, she felt a little remorse. It was stupid to hire the Commando and ignore Danger, and she had no idea what she even hoped to come of it.

Maybe she really thought that by ignoring the mercenary, her own strange feelings would go away. Maybe she did it to get Danger angry enough to confront her. Maybe she wanted to see how long it would take for the mercenary to leave. Maybe she wanted her bodyguard to burst into her offices, fuming and full of that legendary human passion, and end up straight in her arms. But Danger didn't do any of those things. She just quietly accepted whatever the matriarch had decided, and faded into the background. Terriana looked back at the log note she had been working on, but the letters weren't making sense. Nothing was making sense.

I wish I'd had relationships before this. Maybe this wouldn't be turning into such a complete disaster.

"I don't mean to rush you Matriarch, but you should know that she's on the com with Shepard as we speak, and her friend is probably going to convince her to leave after she hears about this fiasco. You aren't going to get another chance to fix this."

Shepard! It's always Shepard! Why does she always run straight to Shepard?

"Thank you Rolus that will be all. Please inform Commando Yhamira that her services are no longer needed, and inform Danger that I expect the Security Offices to be returned to peak efficiency by the morning. I will expect her to accompany me to go over some logs before the morning meal." She picked the datapad back up, and resumed reading.

"I'll get rid of the Commando, but I'm not going to clean up your mess with Danger. If you want her, you are going to have to go get her yourself."

The matriarch's head snapped up, ready to spew venom at her assistant's lack of tact, but Rolus was already leaving the room to relieve the Commando of her duties.

Terriana dropped the datapad again and leaned back in her chair. Her heart was starting to ache, and she realized that the past two weeks had been incredibly long. She missed Danger.

I can't face her right now. Maybe I should wait until tomorrow.

She'll be gone by tomorrow.

Maybe not, surely Shepard won't be able to convince her to leave that quickly…

Do you really want to sit around here and find out?

Terriana drummed her fingers on the desk. She looked at the empty chair across from where she sat, where Danger would recline and listen to her complain or blow off steam. The chair was always in the same place, and Danger always sat in it in the same way. She would lean back, one leg crossing the other, with her hands folded neatly on her stomach, and radiate such an aura of calm and control that whatever was bothering the matriarch would quickly dissipate. Terriana had become so used to it that when she took meetings in her office with other dignitaries, she started placing objects on the chair to discourage anyone else from using it or moving it. That was Danger's chair.

Now Danger hadn't filled that seat since their fight in the garden, and it was all her fault.

Well, what DID you expect to come of it?

I don't know.

She buried her face in her hands and leaned forward on her desk. Everything was going so wrong. None of this was right. None of this was what she wanted.

This isn't how this was supposed to happen, Danger. You were supposed to rush in here furiously demanding I get rid of the Commando. I would have met you halfway in, pretending to fight back, and you would have seen it in my eyes. You would have seen everything in my eyes. You were supposed to forget all your anger, and not be able to hold in your passion any longer.

You would catch me in your embrace, ignoring my half-hearted struggles, and kiss me fiercely. I would try to push you away, just a little, before circling your neck with my arms and surrendering to you.

You were supposed to lay me down, burying me and protecting me from the world's prying eyes. I would fiddle with the asari symbol on your uniform shirt a little before pulling it over your head to reveal your perfect flesh, as your hair got caught and came cascading down. You were supposed to unfasten my robes, and I would attempt hold them shut, fear in my eyes until yours told me that you love me no matter what I am, or where I come from.

I was supposed to reveal it all to you, and for the first time in my life allow myself to completely trust in another. It was supposed to be so perfect. Even now, I can imagine exactly how your skin would feel against mine. Something inside me is begging me to close the distance between us, and I don't know how much longer I can keep myself in these offices and away from you.

Something inside me wants to grab the small of your back and pull you closer, wrap around you until I can no longer see the light of day. I need to feel you above me, supporting yourself with your elbows on either side of my head, looking down on me with those beautiful green eyes that say you belong to me forever. I want to feel your heart beating, feel all the frustration and loneliness and despair you feel; my love, you can silence my whimpers with a kiss and inject all of that emotion directly into me. You can take out all the anger and frustration of the past few months on me, and find comfort in my arms. I'm so sorry for it all. This is not how this was supposed to happen.

I was supposed to lay out all my secrets for you.

The matriarch raised her head and wiped away the lone tear that had spilled over her cheek. There was no denying it. She was in love with Danger.

The matriarch stood, and looked in the mirror. She could never tell the human. She was far too cowardly. All her fantasies about the 'what ifs', and what she would do were just the bitter and broken dreams of a lonely woman, doomed to a solitary existence.

She could never love me. Rolus is wrong about why she stays. All humans are greedy and she's just staying for the paycheck.

She drew herself to her full height and adjusted her robes, ensuring they covered her neck and back completely, and the broken and emotional woman of a few minutes ago was once again replaced by the stone cold asari matriarch.

My secrets will remain my own.