A/N: Well, the semester is over, so I may have more time to write. This chapter is much longer than the others. Remember, there will be some horrible comments from Vernon in this chapter and in others to come. If anyone has any questions, let me know.
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or AVPM. They belong to JK Rowling and Starkid. The latter also own Me and My Dick, which will be mentioned in this chapter.
Chapter 5: Act 1, Scene 3
Vernon leapt to his feet instantly, going pale. "Who the ruddy hell is in my house?" He snapped in a not so violent voice.
"Blimey, Uncle Vernon. You've lost your touch." Turning to the stairs, they saw Harry Potter himself with Ron just behind him.
"BOY!" Vernon roared. "HOW DARE –" At that point Vernon noticed seven wands aimed at his face and heard more footsteps on the stairs. Dudley bravely shoved past his father and smiled almost shyly at his cousin. "Harry. How have you been?"
Harry looked slightly shocked but recovered quickly. "I've been fine. I'm actually training to become an Auror, a wizard cop."
Zie cut the tension with a shout of laughter. They all turned to her. "Third musical."
"Where are you at now?"
Five of the wands moved to the blonde man at the base of the stairs. "Malfoy," Ginny growled.
"Now, honestly! Is this really necessary?" Questioned McGonagall, coming down the stairs. She had been stricken ill a week ago and was forced to take a month away from Hogwarts while Professor Flitwick took over as Headmaster.
Zie took charge, again. "Everyone, chill out. Everything is kind of explained in the musicals."
That said, she duplicated the sofa and sat on the original, along with Draco, McGonagall, Harry and a wary Ginny. As the next scene began, Zie noted that Tom Felton is (will be?) way hotter than the real Draco Malfoy.
Dumbledore: Yes, yes, welcome to another magical year at Hogwarts and a very special welcome to my favorite student, Mr. Harry Potter.
McGonagall smiled sadly at the memory of her old friend. "Potter, while Albus was rather fond of you, he had no favorite student."
Ron: Woo! Woo!
Dumbledore: He killed Voldemort when he was just a baby; he's even got that lightning scar on his forehead to prove it. And another very special welcome to our newest edition to Gryffindor, Mr. Ginny- excuse me, Ms. Ginny Weasley.
Ginny turned a nasty shade of red.
Ron: Boo, boo.
Ginny threw a shoe at her brother. "Ouch! Gin, it wasn't me!"
Ginny: Yeah, I'm a girl and, um, also, aren't we supposed to be sorted by the Sorting Hat?
Dumbledore: Well, um, a funny thing happened to the Sorting Hat. He actually got hitched with another piece of enchanted magical clothing. So he and the Scarf of Sexual Preference aren't going to be back until next year.
George's eyes nearly popped out of his skull. "Minnie, you will be receiving a written request for one of those in one weeks' time."
McGonagall turned slowly to George. "Mr. Weasley. My name is Minerva and there will never be a Scarf of Sexual Preference at Hogwarts! Make one yourself and sell it in your joke shop!"
George paused for a moment. That was a good idea. It could be the first new product since … in over two years. Fred had always come up with the ideas; George just did the planning and most of the building. Perhaps now it was time for a change.
Basically, I've just been putting anybody who looks like a good guy into Gryffindor, anybody who looks like a bad guy into Slytherin, and the other two can just go where ever the hell they want, I don't really care.
Draco scowled, "That's not right."
McGonagall nodded at the young man. "Not to worry, Mr. Malfoy. That is not how it works."
Cedric: Hufflepuffs are particularly good finders.
Ron blinked. "What?"
Zie snickered at the old joke. "No idea, but for some reason it is hilarious."
Dumbledore: What the hell is a Hufflepuff?
Everyone laughed except Vernon and McGonagall, who scowled at the teens.
Anyway, it is time to introduce my very good friend and our own potions Professor, Mr. Severus Snape.
Ron: Ah man, not Snape, I hoped they fired that guy.
Ginny: Why, what's wrong with Professor Snape.
Ron: Ah nothing, he's just, uh, evil.
Petunia even cracked up. This clearly matched every childhood memory she had of the man.
Harry: Come on Ron, he's not that bad. (Enter Snape.)
Again, everyone besides Vernon howled with laughter. "He hasn't changed a bit!" Petunia gasped, much to the horror of her husband.
Snape: Harry Potter, detention.
Harry: What?
Snape: For talking out of term.
Harry grinned, " Definitely Snape."
Now, before we begin, I'm going to give you all your very first pop-quiz. Can anyone tell me what a Port key is? Ah yes, Miss Granger.
Hermione: (speaking quickly) A Port-key is an enchanted object that when touched will transport the one or ones that touch it to anywhere on the globe decided upon by the enchanter.
Hermione blushed as everyone gawked at her. McGonagall smiled at her. "Excellent, Miss Granger!"
Snape: Oh very good … now can anyone tell me what foreshadowing is? Yes, Miss Granger?
Hermione: Foreshadowing is a dramatic device in which an important plot point is mentioned early in the story to return later in a more significant way.
Snape: Perfect!
Ron: What's a Port-key again? I missed that one.
Hermione rolled her eyes. "Typical," she murmured, causing Ron to smile sheepishly.
Hermione: Oh, a Port-key is something that –
Ron: Not you, oh my God.
Hermione whacked Ron upside the head and stalked over to the other couch, squeezing herself between Harry and Zie.
Hermione: -when you touch it, it will transport you anywhere.
Snape: And remember a Port-key can be any sort of seemingly harmless object like a football or a dolphin.
Dudley blinked and glanced at the … magic people, who were smirking. Assuming a dolphin could not be a Port-thing, he turned back to the screen.
Lavender: Professor, can like a person be a Port-key?
Snape: No, that's absurd. If that person were to ever touch themselves (looks at Ron)
Everyone besides Ron burst out laughing. Even Vernon, which seemed perverse.
They would constantly be transported into different places. A person can, however, be a Horcrux.
The laughter died out instantly and the atmosphere in the room became solemn, worrying the Dursleys.
Harry: What's, uh, what's a Horcrux?
Snape: I'm not even going to tell you Harry, you'll find out soon enough.
Dudley bit his lip. Did this mean that Harry was one of those Horcrux things?
Hermione: Professor, what is the point of this quiz?
Snape: Oh no, no, no point in particular, just important information that everyone should know; especially you (looks at the audience.) Now, moving right along there are four houses in all : Gryffindor,
Gryffindors: Woo!
Snape: Ravenclaw,
Ravenclaws: Ow!
Snape: Hufflepuff,
Cedric: Find!
Snape: What? And Slytherin.
Slytherins: Yessss!
The ex-students laughed. "Min- Minerva, you should get the students to do that every time their house is mentioned!"
McGonagall smiled at George but didn't reply.
Snape: Now, traditionally points are given for good behavior and deducted for rule breaking. Example, 10 points from Gryffindor!
Gryffindors: What? Why?
Snape: For Miss Granger's excessive baby fat.
Harry & Ron: Thanks Hermione.
Hermione gasped and turned to McGonagall with an accusing expression. "Not to worry, Miss Granger. Teachers cannot do that."
Nodding, the young woman turned to glare at Harry and Ron, who began to coward.
Snape: Traditionally, the House with the most points at the end of the year would win the House Cup. However, this year we're doing things a bit differently. Here to introduce it is our new professor of the Dark Arts, Professor Quirrell.
(Enter a man wearing a turban and an extra-large cloak, which concealed Voldemort.)
The room howled with laughter once again. Vernon and Petunia looked slightly confused, as they have not read the books; they had no idea why two men would be under one cloak. Well, Vernon had an explanation. "Fags."
Lucky for him, the others were too busy laughing to hear him.
Harry: Ow! Ah, ow!
Quirrell: The House Cup, a time honored tradition. For centuries –
Draco: Go home terrorist! (looks around innocently.)
Again, everyone laughed. "Brilliant! You should be like this more often, Malfoy!" Ron gasped.
Draco blinked, "Who says I'm not?"
An awkward silence followed.
Quirrell: For centuries, the four Houses of Hogwarts have competed for the honor and glory of holding the title of House Champion. But where does this competition come from and what are the roots of the tradition?
Hermione looked horrified. "It sounds like the Triwizard Tournament." She whispered.
Hermione: The House Cup tournament began with the first generation of Hogwarts students.
Quirrell: That was a rhetorical question.
Dumbledore: Granger, quit interrupting. Twenty points from Gryffindor.
The British brunette scowled. "Thank God he wasn't really like this."
Ron: Thanks Hermione.
Quirrell: As I was saying, when the tournament first originated it was of a completely different sort. One champion from each of the four houses would complete a series of dangerous tasks and challenges. The winner would not only win the Cup, but would also win eternal glory.
Hermione: Kind of like a House Cup or … no … like a Triwizard Tournament.
Quirrell: Yes, sort of like the Triwizard Tournament except no, not like that at all. There are four houses, how could it be the Triwizard Tournament with four teams?
Those who knew what happened in Harry's fourth year glanced at him. Aware that he was being watched, Harry pulled the kitten onto his lap to seem busy.
Hermione: Well, uh, Professor, if I remember correctly, the House Cup Tournament was disbanded after one semester when one of its students was killed during the first task.
Quirrell: Yes, it is very dangerous, but the awards far outweigh the risks.
Hermione: No, I don't think you heard me, I just said somebody died!
Dumbledore: Hermione Granger, shut your un-Godly, lopsided mouth and quit interrupting, twenty more points.
"What?" Hermione shrieked. "If anyone has a lopsided mouth, it's that guy who plays Ron!"
Zie snorted loudly, remembering a certain line in "Me and My Dick."
Harry & Ron: Thanks Hermione!
Dumbledore: God, for the cleverest witch of your age, you can be a dumbass sometimes. Ten points for Dumbledore.
The room laughed as Hermione pouted.
Quirrell: Yes, yes well, it will be very dangerous but the winner will be remembered as a hero for ages to come. And as the Professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts, I believe that this practical application is exactly what the curriculum needs to –
Voldemort: Achoo!
Fleur raised an eyebrow. "Really? I doubt zat actually 'appened."
Ginny rolled her eyes at her sister-in-law. "No Fleur, that didn't actually happen."
The French witch glared at the ginger witch. "'Ow would you know? Were you zere?"
Harry gripped his girlfriend's arm as she made to stand and duel the blonde woman right there.
Dumbledore: Did your turban just sneeze?
Quirrell: Wh-what? No.
George smirked, "That sounds more like Quirrell."
Dumbledore: I could have just sworn I heard a sneeze coming from your direction, but your mouth wasn't moving.
Quirrell: No, no that- that was simply a fart, excuse me.
The girls and Vernon rolled their eyes as the boys and Zie laughed.
Voldemort: Achoo!
(Quirrell and Voldemort fall onto Harry's lap)
Harry: Ow, ow, ow, ow! Oh, Holy Jesus, oh my God … ow!
Ron raised an eyebrow. "Take it down a notch, mate."
Voldemort: Achoo!
Quirrell: I simply farted once more.
"What the hell did you eat mate?" Draco sneered (hey, some things never change.)
His peers looked rather shocked before cracking up.
Dumbledore: In accordance to the newly resurrected House Cup, a champion from every house will be selected to compete! So, Snape, will you do the honors for me?
Snape: Yes Headmaster. First, from the Ravenclaw House, Miss Cho Chang.
Cho: Oh ma God I won, I can't believe it y'all!
Snape: Next from Hufflepuff, Mr. Cedric Diggory.
Cedric: Well, I don't find this surprising at all.
Harry sighed. This wasn't going to end well.
Cho: I find it perfect, now I can spend more time with my beloved boyfriend.
Cedric: I'm glad as well, my darling. (Kisses her head)
Zie shook her head. "I wish Twilight ended like this will." Everyone in the room decided to ignore her, including Tiger.
Snape: Next, from the Slytherins, Draco Malfoy.
Draco: Ha, ho! I finally beat you, didn't I Potter? What do you think of that, huh? I'm the champion this time!
Ron smirked, "What a bitch."
Draco blushed while the others howled.
Dumbledore: Draco, would you sit down you little shit, champion's just a title.
Snape: And finally, from the Gryffindor House, oh my. Well, isn't this curious? The one person in all of Hogwarts whom I have a well-known grudge against is suddenly in a tournament where he may very well lose his life …
Neville: If-if it's me, I'll just apologize to my fellow Gryffindors right now, for losing-
The golden trio smiled at each other. "The sad thing is, Neville used to be like that." Harry said.
Hermione laughed. "Thank God that changed!"
Snape: Sit down you inarticulate bumble, it's Harry Potter.
Ron: Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!
Harry rolled his eyes, "Why couldn't you have been like this when it actually happened?" He asked Ron, who mock glared at him.
Dumbledore: Well, here they are folks, the four Hogwarts champions. I want all of you to start preparing immediately because the first task is in two months and it could be anything. So let's get to it!
Dudley snorted, "That's helpful."
Harry smiled awkwardly at his cousin. "Sad thing is, that's pretty much exactly what happened."
Students: Cho Chang! Cho Chang! Cho Chang!
Draco: Malfoy! Malfoy! Mal-hey …
Ron snorted. "Poor Malfoy."
As the blonde wizard glared at the red one, Vernon let out a yell of fury. Following his glance, the rest of the room saw two owls at the window. A beautiful brown owl belonging to Harry called Grimmauld and of course Ron's insane owl Pigwidgeon. Zie stood and opened the window, letting in the owls. The brown one sat on Tiger's back, who was used to his owners friend's owls doing the same thing and didn't seem to mind. Pig continued to fly around the room loudly.
After a moment, George snatched the little grey owl out of the air. "I have a letter to send. Ron, is it okay if I borrow him?"
Ron nodded, "Yes, and please tell him to go back to the Burrow."
Laughing at his younger brother, George carried the small grey owl into the kitchen, followed closely by Grimmauld who clearly wanted to be sure that the crazy little owl actually left. Dudley suddenly stood up and mumbled something about using the bathroom.
George had just fished out a piece of parchment from his pocket and was rummaging for a quill when Harry's cousin walked in. The blonde stood awkwardly in his own kitchen, studying the owls for a moment before speaking. "Mind if I borrow one?"
The red head gawked at the Muggle boy who tormented his little brother's friend for years, the one who supposedly feared magic like his parents. "Er… why?"
The other man shuffled his feet, sparing George an uncomfortable glance before turning back to the brown owl. "I want to write to my girlfriend. She's … er … a witch. We've been talking my way, you know, the Muggle way, for a year now. I have no access to owls, you see."
George blinked, before deciding to save the younger man anymore discomfort. "Of course. Take Grimmauld, the brown one."
Dudley sighed in relief and grabbed the notepad by the phone and two pens, handing one to George who had returned to attacking his pockets. The wizard studied the pen in fascination, causing the Muggle to smirk. "It's like one of your quills, except the ink is inside of it."
After that, the two men wrote their letters in silence. Both finished at the same time and folded them. As George helped Dudley tie the letter to Grimmauld's leg, he turned to the Muggle. "So, who is your girlfriend? How did you two meet?"
Dudley bit his lip. "Er … well … I'd rather wait a bit. You see, I invited her over to watch the musicals with us and I'd rather tell everyone in one go, you know?"
George nodded in understanding. "I get it mate. Sort of like how I told the family about Angelina and myself. She used to date … my brother."
The blonde smiled. "Bet that was awkward."
Instead of answering, the wizard opened the window and tossed his owl into the yard.
A/N: So, once again, I need help deciding who will be Dudley's witch girlfriend. The candidates are Cho Chang and one of the Patil twins. If there are any other suggestions, you can let me know in a review. Angelina and the winning witch will appear in a later chapter as soon as I decide who she is and how she and Dudley met. Again, please review to vote, comment, or critic (just be nice about it.)