Chapter 22: When you're gone

-Normandy, Sickbay storage areas

What was I thinking?

Liara T'Soni tried to keep her face impassive, but her soul was in turmoil. Tonight had been one of the most enjoyable nights of her life, and she didn't want it to end. Something about sitting across the table from Jane, just talking about everything, had made her feel so at ease that she imagined she and the commander had been lovers for ages, instead of just tiptoeing around the issue like they actually were.

Why is she so good at hiding her emotions behind those eyes? What is she thinking? Why can't I read her?

Jane was sitting in a chair across the room, leaning back lazily and smiling at the asari. It looked as if she hadn't a care in the world, and was just waiting for time to catch up to her. Jane Shepard was light years ahead of everybody else, and Liara was painfully aware of the fact that she was lagging a little bit behind.

She is magnificent. Her eyes hold the secrets of ages. Her mind conquers even the most ancient of telepathy. Her body harbors the strength of kings, sturdy enough to compensate for the weaknesses of her friends. The way her muscles lightly ripple with every movement… She probably doesn't even notice. I notice though. Jane, I am painfully aware of your power. It's tearing me apart.

"Do you think Danger will be ok?" Liara asked.

"I'm sure she will be fine. She just needs to sleep it off. I've never seen her quite that drunk before, but she is going through a lot."

"What do you think about the whole… situation…?"

"Well… It's hard to say." Jane leaned forward in her chair. "I don't know what is going on with the matriarch, but it seems to me that she's giving Danger the hint that it's time to move on. Danger has it bad though. You should have been there when I got the call. It was all I could do to convince her to just take a vacation. What I really think she should do, is just leave. She won't budge though."

Liara nodded, and then leaned back against the desk her console was situated on. "I don't know. Asari usually don't play games. We tend to be very forward, especially with races that don't have the luxury of time as we do."

Right, like you are being with Jane right now?

It's not the same.

It's exactly the same. Just because you aren't hiring Commandos to get Jane's attention, doesn't mean you aren't playing a dangerous game with the woman's heart. It wouldn't take a far leap for Jane and Danger's positions to reverse…

I know…

"Well, whatever she is doing, I hope she makes a decision fast and either lets Danger go or gets on with it. I know that Danger has never been in love before this. Frankly, I'm shocked as hell that it's an asari. She's always been… I don't know… Sort of grounded. She only left Earth for jobs, and just always seemed more comfortable around humans. This is the shock of the century, let me tell you."

"Well, we do have a way of getting to the other races," Liara commented with a grin.

Jane leaned back in her seat again. "That you do. That you certainly do."

What should I do? Should I walk over to her? I want her to spend the night, but how do I ask it?

"I can't say I even really understand it."

"I do," replied Jane. "There is something otherworldly about your race, but familiar at the same time. You are similar enough to us in appearance that we feel comfortable, but different and mysterious enough that it remains exciting and new. That might not make any sense to you, but I think it just is in our nature to look at the stars, and wish for something beyond. We don't have telepathic abilities or biotic abilities unless we are exposed to chemicals, so it's just natural for us to be so interested in your race. You have a lot to offer us."

"I suppose."

Jane stood up and walked over to Liara. "Listen, don't think too hard on it. I know that it's a lot to take in, and even under the best of circumstances, relationships are difficult to manage. We'll get through it. I promise."

She lightly brushed Liara's cheek with her fingers and smiled.

Oh, Goddess, what is she doing? How is that one gesture enough to light my entire body on fire?

Lean into it, Liara. Just lean into it, let her know what you are feeling.

I can't, oh Goddess I can't. Not yet. Those eyes…

You must. There is only one way to extinguish this flame. There is only one way to ease the pain.

It's so frightening, how do I control it?

You don't. The flame burns you alive, and you get caught up in the danger of it all. You pray for deliverance.

Liara looked up into the commander's eyes, and lifted her hand to rest on Jane's shoulder. She used her other hand to brace herself against the desk, completely terrified of her body suddenly turning on her and moving closer to the human of its own volition. She heard the commander inhale sharply. Surely Jane recognized the signals. Liara wanted her, but was hesitant and nervous. She felt the commander slowly move closer, testing, challenging, looking for any sign of resistance.

"Liara, I…"

"Jane, don't speak. I cannot bear the words…" Liara let go of the desk and raised both her arms to Jane's shoulders.

How is everything on fire? How can she command my body to move like this?

You are in love with her.

How can this be? It's too soon, it's too crazy, and it makes no sense.

Pray for deliverance, Liara…

The asari closed her eyes and leaned up into the commander. She felt Jane's arms circle her waist, and the human's weight press up against her.

Goddess, she feels good. Don't stop there, Jane. I need you closer, I need you to help me understand this strange new emotion.

She was mere centimeters away; she could feel the commander's breath on her cheek. She tugged on Jane's neck, begging the woman to make contact and release her from her self-imposed agony. Her breath quickened as she felt Jane's arms strengthen and the human push harder against her, and she reached out with her mind, praying for deliverance as Jane leaned down into her…

"Commander? Sorry to interrupt, but I have a problem."

Commander Jane Shepard's body went slack, and she rested her forehead against Liara's. "Damn it." She whispered.

No… No… That's so… unfair… Jane… no…

The commander loosened her grip on the asari, and looked at the ceiling. "This had better be life and death, Joker."

"It is, Commander. Your friend, Danger is um... Well I think she's trying to hook her AI thingy into the mainframe. She said something about linking to her cars back home and sending them on a rampage through some asari compound. She seems a little… crackers at the moment."

"Damn it. Danger, I am going to kill you." She stepped back from Liara, and cupped the asari's face in her hands. "Liara… We'll find the right time. I need to go get Danger before she crashes the ship into something."

Liara grasped the commander's forearms. "We will. Listen; please come back here when you have tended to Danger."

"I will. I promise." With that, she kissed the asari on her forehead, and left the room.

-Normandy, Garages

Commander Jane Shepard walked into the garage level, fuming. She felt sorry for Danger and the situation she was in, but the woman was being a major pain in the ass at the moment. Walking up to the Mako, she nearly shouted at the miserable mercenary.

"Danger, what in the HELL are you doing?"

Danger had all her tools spread on the floor, and there were wires hanging out of the Mako's side panels. "I'm going to run all my cars straight through her bedroom. Maybe I will get lucky and cleave that bitch commando in two."

"Do you have any idea what you just interrupted?"

Danger looked at her friend, and then bit her lower lip. "Um… Damn Jane, I didn't mean for you to get involved. I mean, Joker is just pitching a fit because I corrupted his And Justicars for all vid. I told him I would rebuild it. This is barely going to take any power at all. It's certainly nothing for you to get involved in."

Jane sighed, her anger dissipating. "Danger, listen, you don't want to do that. What is that going to accomplish, anyway? It's not going to make her want you."

Danger leaned forward with one hand on the car. "I know. I just… I just need to do something."

"Why don't you just call her?"

"Are you out of your mind? What if you aren't the only one I'd be 'interrupting'?" Danger felt her heart break as she said the words. "No, you're right, this was stupid. I just need some sleep."

"Danger, head back to my quarters. It's comfortable and you know if you stay down here, Tali will be in your Omni-tool the second she wakes up."

"Yea, ok. Thanks Jane. I'm really sorry. You've… You've been a good friend."

Jane watched Danger walk away and did her best not to cry.

No, Danger. A good friend would have warned you. A good friend would have stopped you from making the mistake of the century. A good friend wouldn't have been so wrapped up in her own relationship to see how much you needed her until it was too late.

A good friend would have done a lot more than I have done for you.

Why can't things just… fall into place? Why do things never just fall into place for people like us?

Jane shook her head and crossed her arms. She stood there, just leaning against the car and thinking, for a long time. Never before had she been caught up in so much emotional drama, and it couldn't have happened at a worse time.

No, things never fall into place for people like us. It's strange how in all the storybooks you read, the hero falls in love and somehow wins the battle, and they live happily ever after. I guess that's just not how it works in real life. It's a lot more complicated, out here in the real world.

Sighing, she pushed herself off the car and started walking back toward the storage areas. At least one thing was starting to make a little sense, and she wanted to be near Liara tonight. She would deal with her friend tomorrow.

-Normandy, Sickbay storage areas

Commander Jane Shepard stood in the doorway and looked at the slumbering asari for a long time. The woman was beautiful, even in her sleep. There was nothing imperfect about her features. She wasn't as chiseled as her mother was, but Jane could see the similarities in their appearance and had no doubt that Liara would be just as commanding when she reached matriarchal years.

She is perfect. She is so calm and collected and she always makes the moral choice. There isn't an evil or ruthless bone in her body. A soldier like me doesn't really deserve someone like her.

Unbidden, voices from her vision revisited her. It wasn't the first time a lost soul had questioned her worthiness of such a prize.

I wonder why I am seeing these things. I wonder what they have to do with Liara. It can't possibly be what I think it is, and it wouldn't make sense for me to be seeing it anyway. Perhaps I should seek out some assistance with interpreting them.

Jane stood there for a few more minutes, and then slipped out of her shoes. Closing the door, she moved over to lay behind Liara, and curled her arm protectively across the woman's belly.

I've seen this before… I remember how this felt… who is she, I wonder…

Jane closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. The asari smelled wonderful. She felt Liara push back against her, trying to nestle closer. Jane settled back against the wall and tightened her grip.

"Sleep, my love. I will see you in the morning," Jane whispered as she closed her eyes and let the night take her.

-Visions

She is gone. I knew she was going to leave me that night, though I begged her to stay. I thought that this would be the end of our days apart, but she is a stubborn one and there is something she simply must have, some sort of gift for our daughter. I close my eyes and hold my belly, where our child is stirring. I have wanted this for centuries, and I spent my life waiting for her to indicate an interest, any interest, in me. Year after year, I was met with silence.

That all changed when I realized that I was running out of time. Jennestia had made me an offer, and I was prepared to accept, should my last visit to her apartments end with empty arms yet again. But this time, it didn't, and as I laid beneath the only woman I had ever loved, I couldn't stop myself from tearing her legacy from her to create my perfect daughter. Though I didn't ask permission, she wasn't angry. Instead, she curled protectively around me and declared her love, which was far more than I had expected when I walked into her apartments that night. I expected to be rejected, and instead be bearing the progeny of a much lesser woman.

"Little Wing, look! It is another letter. Shall we read it now, or wait until tea tonight?"

My daughter kicks inside me, and I smile. Already she is showing the signs of rebellion, and I sense that she will be strong, like I am, but quietly intelligent, like she is. This child, my perfect daughter, will change the universe. We still have not decided on a name, but for now Little Wing suits her well enough. I feel certain that this child will fly from the nest, and forge a new light in this world.

"All right, my love, we will read it now." I settle into my favorite chair and unfold the latest letter from my adventure-seeking partner. I pray that it will be the letter saying she is coming home.

My only love, xx,

Today, I felt the sun rise against my brow, and my weakness overcame me at the sensation. I fell to my knees, thanking the Goddess for smiling upon me, and allowing me another day to dream of you and our daughter. I am so fortunate, to be able to call you mine, and to prepare for the grace that surely will shine upon us in the coming weeks as we ready for her arrival. I can almost forget why I even leave the planet, as thoughts of your kindness and compassion envelop my heart.

You are the inspiration for my every word; indeed, my every breath and I thank you. Please, take care of yourself and our Little Wing, for I shall soon return to my family and never depart again. Soon, I will be with you always, and together we will teach her of all the marvels in this world, and the worlds beyond. Soon, our days will be complete, as we raise our family in love and joy, and the Goddess' grace.

I remain faithfully yours,

xx

I feel the child settle back down as I read the words aloud. Somehow she knows who wrote those words. She is already showing the signs of incredible insight and compassion. This child is wise beyond her age.

I knew that I could only create my perfect daughter with this quiet poet. There was no other who could possibly have navigated the complex roadmap that is my heart. I pray that she returns to us soon. I feel I may die without her. My heart is quietly empty in her absence.

-Normandy, Sickbay storage areas

Jane's eyes opened, and she realized it was deep in the night. Liara had turned toward her at some point, and had nestled her head into the commander's neck. Jane looked down at the softly breathing woman, and said her own little prayer of thanks to the 'Goddess' that she was 'so fortunate' as to call this woman hers.

Settling down again, she closed her eyes and allowed the darkness to overcome her. Just as she was on the blade's edge between the waking world and that of slumber, she thought she heard the asari whisper her name…

"I love you, Jane…"