Chapter 23: Ridiculous Thoughts

-Normandy, Sickbay storage rooms

Liara awoke as she did every morning, early enough to justify staying in bed a little longer, but too late for her to reasonably fall back asleep. The only thing different about this morning, was that this time she was not alone. This time, she was wrapped in the arms of Commander Jane Shepard.

I never want this to end. This is where I belong, right here, next to her.

She closed her eyes again and nestled closer. It was an amazing feeling, to be this close to the human. There was something about the way that Jane held her that made her feel as though she was the most valued treasure in the commander's life.

What is it about her that makes me feel so safe?

Jane Shepard had one arm supporting her head, and the other draped lazily over the asari, gripping the back of her shirt. Liara said a silent thank you to the Goddess that the commander had returned the previous night. Once Jane had left to deal with Danger, she had looked at her console for a few minutes, but then fatigue overcame her. She laid down and closed her eyes, not really expecting that the commander would be able to return. When she awoke later in the night, she found that the human had not only returned, but had joined her in slumber.

She just slipped in here with me so naturally that I barely even stirred.

Liara studied the woman's face for a few moments. Up close, she could see every carved angle. There was barely a blemish, only some scars, presumably from battles.

She must work so hard to maintain her level of physical fitness. I should ask her about those scars sometime. I wonder what caused them.

She reached up to brush away a stray hair from the commander's face, but the movement was enough of a disturbance that Jane lazily opened her eyes.

"Good morning, Liara," she said with a smile.

"Good morning, Jane." Liara slipped her arm around the commander's neck and buried herself in the woman's embrace.

"How did you sleep?" Jane asked, adjusting so she could wrap both arms around the asari.

"I've never slept so well in my life. I could get used to this."

"Mm hm. So could I, believe me, so could I."

"I'm glad you came back last night."

"Well, it was either that or bed down with Danger. As attractive as she is, I think that I'll take a pass on that one."

Liara smiled. "Good. She's too old for you anyway."

"Mm, is that the only reason I should steer clear?"

Liara tried to snuggle closer, almost as if she could disappear into the commander. "No, that's not the only reason. You're taken."

Liara felt the commander tighten her hold, and she closed her eyes and allowed herself to slip back into somewhere between the waking world and the world of dreams.

I could spend the rest of my life, right here, just like this, with her. Don't let it end. Don't ever let this end.

But as with all good things, it did have to end.

"We need to get up, Liara."

"I know. Just a little while longer." She tightened her hold on the commander and unbidden, an electrical charge shot through her that shifted her breathing and caused her to involuntarily push closer to the human, in a slightly different way. Jane recognized the signal, and looked down at the asari in her arms. Her body went rigid and her breathing stopped, as she waited to see if Liara was going to follow up on it.

She picked up on that one, Liara. Make a decision…

I can't.

You are going to have to.

Who are you anyway? Get out of my head.

You need to either throw yourself in her arms and leave all your fear behind, or get out of this bed.

I don't know what to do.

You do.

I can't.

So you keep saying…

I'm not sure...

Just tilt your head up, Liara. Jane will do the rest. Just tilt it up, just a little bit… Just press against her, just a little bit… Just give her the smallest indication, and let her lead you from there…

I… I want…. I…. I can't…

In the end, Liara just turned over again, putting her back to Jane, and the human exhaled the breath she had been holding. The commander didn't comment though, instead just wrapping back around the asari, and sighing.

Good job, Liara. That one hurt her. You're handling this marvelously.

Shut up.

No. you are causing her physical pain now. She needs you, and she has shown more restraint than any other race would. Anyone else would have been long gone. Anyone else would have called you out on this behavior, not just wrapped back around you and let you continue to torture them.

You don't think I know that?

Actually, I don't think you do. The situation is really, really simple. The way you are carrying on though, you'd think it was some complex navigation of an uncharted star system.

I… I just… I don't know.

In the end, it' going to be up to you Liara. Just remember, you're wasting time… And time is not a luxury even the asari have enough of, to put it to waste… Don't learn it the hard way.

Get out of my head.

No.

They laid there for another hour, and then Jane started to stir. "I had better get out of here and check on Danger. I'll see you later on." She leaned down to kiss the asari on her forehead, and stepped into her shoes before walking out the airlock door.

And that's that. She's gone, and barely a goodbye. I'll bet you ten creds she starts avoiding you.

Liara sat up and gripped her head.

Get out! Just… get out… This is ridiculous... I don't need your help.

Liara… you do. This is not a mistake you want to make…

-Normandy, Commander Jane Shepard's quarters

Commander Jane Shepard leaned against the door and crossed her arms. Her friend looked a little better, but she could tell the woman was still in a lot of pain, both physical and spiritual.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Darla "Danger" Vance was sitting on her friend's bed, holding her head in her hands. She barely responded with a gruff, "No."

Jane shook her head. She had to find a way to get through to the mercenary. "You are going to have to talk about it, Darla. I've known you a long time, and I've never seen you try to self-destruct like this.

"I'm fine, Jane. Just give me a break."

"You aren't fine. Why don't you just call her?"

"It's complicated."

"It's complicated because you are over-complicating it."

"Jane, you don't understand. There's no way you could possibly understand."

Time to change tactics… I'm getting nothing out of her.

"You eye looks good."

"Yea, thanks for that, Jane. Was it really necessary?"

"You've never had to carry you drunk. Trust me, it was necessary."

"Mm hm, and I'm sure you didn't enjoy it at all." Danger grinned at her friend.

She's such a sweetheart. Nothing makes her angry. She just quietly accepts whatever you throw at her. That matriarch doesn't deserve her anyway.

"Do you want to go to Omega?"

Danger looked at her friend. Slowly, she nodded. "Yea, Jane. I can't go back to Thessia. I need to move on to Omega."

"What about your stuff?"

"All I have there is a few cars, and they aren't even on Terriana's compound. I can have them transported back to Earth anytime. "

"You really have nothing there at all?"

Danger shook her head. "Not really. Nothing that can't be replaced when I get to Omega. That Commando has probably cleaned out my office anyway. I'm sure that she's completely taken over now that I'm gone. In fact, I'd bet that Terriana moved her into the main part of the house the second she figured out I bailed."

"I still think that you should at least send her some sort of message. You need some kind of closure."

"Closure is for the weak. What I need is a nice rack to bury my face in." She threw her arms into the air dramatically. "Take me to Omega, Jane. I have a date with… The entire asari race!"

Yea, she's acting out again.

"You don't mean that."

Danger sighed, and then stood and leaned against the wall.

"Jane, I don't know what I mean. You know, a year ago I was living the good life. People knew my name, I got hit on in almost every bar, I got all the good jobs... It was great. Lots of money and lots of booze. Lots of travelling and seeing new places. Lots of new technology and time to experiment and just generally fuck off. I lived for it."

Jane just nodded.

"But I was going to give all of it up, for a quiet life sitting on a bench in a garden on Thessia. None of the jobs I have done over the years seems quite as important as my job sitting on that bench. None of them were as important as listening to her vent her frustration at the universe. None of it compared to the feeling I would get when I'd hear that knock at my office door. You could take all the guys and girls I have met over the years and all of them combined don't compare to her look of fury when she isn't sure what to do with me and my antics. And then all of a sudden, it's all gone and I don't even know why." Danger closed her eyes and willed herself strength. "I don't know what I did wrong. She didn't even have the decency to tell me why. And I can't just slip back into being a mercenary." She waved a hand dismissively. "I've been changed again. It's all empty. I don't care about any of that crap anymore."

Jane opened her mouth to respond, and then closed it. She didn't know what to say.

"I guess that… some of us… Well Jane, it's just not supposed to happen for some of us. I mean, I should have known. I would have met someone I was interested in before this, right? It's too late, right? The whole thing was just ridiculous thoughts in my head, a silly fantasy that I'd be the one to melt the frigid bitch matriarch."

I suppose. How do you answer a question like that?

"I don't know what to say to make you feel better. I guess… Well I'm just sorry, Danger."

I should have brought Liara. She would be able to handle this. She would know what to say to make the mercenary feel better.

Jane looked around the room, almost as if she could summon the asari to her side. Finding no support, she sighed and continued.

"I think we are going to take today off, and maybe tomorrow too. I know you could use the time to nurse that hangover, and Ash and I should run the team through some drills. We'll pick up in a couple days with one last war game. Why don't you stay for that? It will be fun."

"Yea, I'll stay for the last game. But then, I'm off to Omega. I was offered a job out there as head of security not too long ago. I may as well see if it's still available. Start a new life, you know?"

"I think that's a good idea, Danger. Liara and I will stop by as often as we can to check up on you."

"Speaking of which, sorry again for… Messing that up for you."

"It's ok, Danger. I get the feeling she still isn't quite ready anyway. I don't know what's going on, but it's like she goes through this inner struggle every time we are about to get close. It's a little painful, but I want her to be sure. I don't want her to feel like she has to, just because of me. Does that make sense?"

"It does, but it sucks. I can see the pain she has you in. But look at it this way. At least you know her heart is leaning in your direction. She's just a little scared." Danger grinned. "Don't worry, Jane. Sooner or later, she just won't be able to resist your charms."

"Maybe. I guess we'll see. Despite it all, I had a really good night. I belong with that woman, and I think she knows she belongs with me. It will happen. What's more important right now is making sure that everyone is ready to face Saren. I still am not entirely sure what he's after, but I do know that if he gets it, our relationship issues will look petty in comparison to the problems we'll soon be having."

"You're probably right. Well the least I can do is help to train your crew. Why don't we stage an extraction for the last game? I can get Ned to bring the Colloquia out, and they can split into two teams. Since we are taking a couple days off, I can set it up like a real extraction. I'll call some of my info buddies and let slip a clue or two, and we can use you as the prize!"

"What are you talking about? You mean you want to set it up so they have to rescue me?"

"Why not? If I am setting up the game, I can't very well play. So either you do it with uneven teams again, or you let your crew shine and see what they are really made of. Split them into two teams. We'll hide you on the Colloquia, and we'll make it seem like you were kidnapped for real. Who is in charge when you are off the ship?"

"Pressly."

"Perfect. Bring him in on it. He will send in the first team to figure out what happened. When they find you, we'll lock them in the room too. Then he can make it seem like the first team was captured, we'll move the ship to a new location, and he can hand it all over to team 2. They'll find you, and well… then we can celebrate what a terrific and loyal crew you have!"

"It won't work, Danger."

"Why not?"

"Well for a start, if they think that I was really kidnapped, they aren't going to agree to go in with the toy rounds we have been using in the games."

"I got a buddy who can help with that. Best in the business. I'll set everything up. I'll even make it look like a betrayal! Darla Vance Gone Rogue! None of your crew really knows anything about the Colloquia, and I can hack the history easily enough. Tali is good, but she's not as good as I am… yet. Even she won't be able to figure out it's all fake until well after the game is over. Come on Jane, it will give me something to do; something to take my mind off… things."

Jane nodded. "Ok Danger. You set it all up. I'm going to have a shower and then head down to the garages to see if Ash is ready to run some drills with the crew.

"Excellent. I'm going to the Citadel to make some calls. You can spread the word around that I kind of left. Then just head out in a couple days, and I'll come kidnap you! Just make sure Joker doesn't try anything cute. I'm sure he wants revenge for me ruining his vid."

Jane just rolled her eyes at her friend. "Ok, Danger. I'll see you in a couple days."

She watched the mercenary leave, and then pulled out some clothes for the day.

Time to get cleaned up. Maybe I should give Liara some space. It was a mistake to go back there last night. I've probably just confused her further. This has truly turned into the most complicated mess I've ever been in.

-Normandy, garages

"Morning, Chief."

"Afternoon, Commander."

Jane let it slide.

"Good job on the games yesterday. You really outdid yourself."

Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams smiled. The commander was impressed with her. Her mission had been accomplished.

"I can't take all the credit. Wrex, T'Soni and Alenko really held it together."

"Right, well, it was pretty damned impressive. Let's take the next couple of days off and run them through some drills. We can take them out to the training grounds on the Citadel and run laps or something."

"Ok, sounds good. I'll get everyone and head down there."

"I'll see you there."

Jane turned to leave, but the chief grabbed her arm to stop her.

"Commander, are you ok?"

She didn't turn around. "I'm fine, Chief."

"That's convincing."

Nothing gets by Ash. I had better come up with something, before the wild speculation starts.

This time she did turn, and put on her best 'I'm a soldier and nothing bothers me' face. "I'm fine, Ash."

The gunnery chief looked at Jane, trying to read her expression. "No, Commander, you aren't. I'll respect if you don't want to discuss with me what's wrong, but don't pretend that everything is ok when it's clear that something is bothering you."

"Look, I just don't want a lot of drama to come of this. Danger left, and I'm worried about her. You don't know a whole lot about the details surrounding why she's here, but suffice it to say that the situation is delicate."

The gunnery chief cocked an eyebrow, but eventually nodded. "Well, it's not quite what I was expecting, but I guess that would qualify as something upsetting. What did she say?"

"We went to the Flux, she got drunk, and it just blew up into a whole huge thing. Look, it's not a big deal. Let's just get everyone ready for the laps. I'll meet you all there in an hour."

"Ok, Commander. I'll get everyone down to the Citadel. I'll see you later then."

Well, at least she didn't push it. Hopefully that will be enough rumor to make whatever Danger is planning plausible. Hopefully it will be enough that Ash doesn't ask me anything else.

Jane sighed, and then returned to her quarters.