Chapter 25: It's your life, it's your soul

-Feros, Zhu's Hope Colony

Commander Jane Shepard disembarked from the Normandy with Garrus and Tali. She knew that Liara was disappointed in being left behind, but this was one away mission that she needed to do without the young asari.

"Garrus, Tali, go see what weapons and technology you can scrounge up." She gestured to a salarian merchant standing by a small trailer.

"Commander, these people have nothing," Tali said. "We would have better luck on another planet or on the Citadel."

"Maybe, but you would be surprised at how resourceful folks can be. Just go see what you can find. I need to visit an old friend."

"All right, Commander. But don't say I didn't warn you when we come back with nothing but varren scraps and a few pieces of tin."

Jane just smiled. Tali was getting to be more sarcastic, no doubt from all the back and forth banter she had been having with Danger. The two had apparently linked up their Omni-tools and had been chattering back and forth about code and who knew what else since the mercenary had come aboard the Normandy.

You are a bad influence on her, Danger. A very bad influence.

Jane watched Garrus and Tali leave, and then walked over to a familiar corner to greet a familiar face.

"Shiala, it's good to see you are doing well here."

"Yes, things are shaping up nicely. Exogeni has started to invest more in this colony so we are all doing very well."

"That's really good to hear. I'm glad that everything worked out. Listen, I have a… favor to ask of you."

"Of course. What can I do for you?"

"I have been having these strange, visions… I need someone to help me make sense of them."

"Why don't you have your friend help, the T'Soni girl?"

Jane sighed. "It's complicated. You'll understand when you see the vision."

Shiala nodded. She didn't know what Shepard was talking about, but curiosity was getting the better of her. What could be so secret that she couldn't show the T'Soni girl?

"Very well then. Relax, Shepard. Embrace Eternity"

Her eyes turned to obsidian, and Jane felt the woman poking around, seeking the secrets the human's mind held. She focused on bringing the visions to the forefront for Shiala's examination, and she sensed the asari's shock and surprise as the woman registered what it was she was witnessing. After a few moments, Jane felt her withdraw.

"Shepard, those… Those are genetic memories… But we can never see those… We can see traits and we can see patterns, but never the actual full memories… The human mind is strange indeed. Can you see your own genetic memories?"

"No… No I… I don't… I don't know what they are, but they started happening after this one night I woke up out of the blue, covered in sweat. I'm not sure what happened, but it felt like Liara was with me. Or, something… I don't really know. A couple weeks later, I touched her hand, and images of her were deposited directly into my brain. Not the visions I just showed you… these were… other sorts of visions." Jane looked a little sheepish, but Shiala had the grace not to comment.

"Anyway, then after that, these... other… things started to happen. I think I know who the first asari is, but I can't place the second one. Do you have any idea?"

"I do," Shiala replied slowly. "Wait here, I will be right back."

Shiala disappeared into a nearby trailer, and emerged carrying a small datapad. "I present to you the asari roadmap to romance. This is our bible, the book every asari turns to when looking for the right words to say." She handed it to Jane.

Love Letters from Liari N'Vara

Jane looked up at Shiala. "Liari?"

Shiala just nodded. "I have read the book hundreds of times myself, but never in a million years would I have thought those letters were to Benezia. Liari died while on an excavation. She traveled the galaxy seeking treasures of the past to bring to her great love. She wrote at least five hundred journals, all chronicling her travels, and all referencing an unknown woman whom it was speculated that she was in love with for centuries. These letters were published after her death, but you can see where the name is redacted." Shiala pointed to several pages where there were large smudges of what looked like some sort of black ink. "No one ever knew who they were to. All we ever knew was that eventually it all worked out, because these letters span about a years' time and tell such a story of romance and devotion that it would break your heart to think that such love even exists. And then, well… We know what happened then."

Jane Shepard exhaled softly at the revelation.

"How did she die?"

Shiala took the datapad back and looked at it sadly. "That is one of the greatest tragedies of our time. She was on an uncharted planet in Artemis Tau, and her ship got disabled in a storm. She couldn't leave the planet, and… they just didn't get to her in time. She sent out a distress message, and whoever received it didn't pass it along in time for anyone to rescue her. When they found her, she had a small shovel, some sort of artifact or child's toy in one hand, and her pen in the other, surrounded by scraps of paper. They were all letters to her love, written until her last breath. She was fond of using actual paper to write. That's why the book's lettering looks so strange on the datapad. All of it was reproduced exactly as she had written it. It was her finest work. The letters were published, and though there have been endless rumors and speculation, no one ever knew who they were to."

Artemis Tau…

Jane couldn't help but marvel at the irony.

So this is why Benezia never told Liara. How much pain this must have caused her… The elder asari's words came back to her, "It's all my fault, the fault of a lonely and weak woman who succumbed to whisperings instead of responding to her lover's call for help."

"Shepard, Benezia is the one who got that distress message, and she… she did nothing." Shiala's voice almost cracked in disbelief.

"Yes…" Jane nodded.

"This would have ripped out a piece of her soul. A union like that comes but once in a millennia. For her to have thrown it away in such a violent and evil way… I fear there was already something taking root in her mind. There is no way she would have thrown away something like that, not voluntarily. This… The level of cover up is beyond belief. I wonder how many others know… I wonder if the Councilor knows…"

"Shiala, you can never tell a soul." Jane was suddenly nervous, and hoped that the older woman could keep this secret.

"I won't, Shepard. I owe you, and Matriarch Benezia that much. But, are you going to tell Liara?"

"I… I don't know. I don't think so. At least not yet. I don't even fully understand what is going on and I don't want her to get caught up in all of this. There is a reason Benezia never brought it up. I won't pretend that I know better than she did the consequences of this information coming out."

"You're probably right. If I were you though, I'd work on hiding those images away, especially if you are planning on intimate relations with Liara. It's clear that you two are interested in each other."

So she knows somehow that we aren't that close yet.

"She will surely make the same connection I did if she sees them, and if you join with her, I have no doubt that she will see them. There can only be one explanation for her genetic memories to be passing into you."

Jane looked at the asari quizzically. "I'm not sure I know what you mean."

"Shepard, examine those visions again. Examine the link between Liari and Benezia. Compare it to your link with Liari's daughter. You are going to find a lot of similarities. If you join with Liara, I think you will be linked in the same way, and then Liara will see the visions. She will make the connection. There isn't an asari alive who doesn't know about 'Liari's Letters'. It was the single most tragic event in our lifetime, and her works are celebrated throughout our culture."

"Ok, I understand. I will work on that. Do you have any suggestions?"

Shiala nodded. "This will sound bizarre, but the best asari to handle this sort of thing is Sha'ira. I'm sure that once she knows the nature of the visions and who they relate to, she will be more than happy to help. She's also the only asari I would trust to be… discreet… with the information. She has many reasons to respect the secrets of others…"

"Thank you, Shiala. My list of friends is starting to grow thin, and I'm glad I can still count you on it."

"Anytime, Commander. I'm happy to have been able to return the favor. You let me live, when you could have ended my life and been thoroughly justified in doing so. Besides that, Matriarch Benezia was a good woman, in her time. I fear she was just corrupted by some evil force that even she did not understand."

"I'd better get back to the Normandy. I have some thinking to do."

"Stop back anytime. Here. You can keep this copy. It might help you to find the right things to say." She handed the datapad back to Jane.

"Thanks, Shiala."

Jane turned away, and looked around for Tali and Garrus. She didn't immediately see them, though, and so just sent a quick message through her Omni-tool for them to meet her back on the Normandy when they were done. She nodded her thanks one last time at Shiala, stuffed the datapad into a pocket, and left the colony.

-Normandy, cockpit

Commander Jane Shepard boarded the Normandy, but didn't go through to the comm room right away. Instead, she took a left, and put her hand on the back of her pilot's chair.

"Joker, set a course for the Citadel. As soon as Garrus and Tali are back on board, take us out there."

"No problem, Commander. Is everything all right?"

She nodded. "Everything is fine, Joker. I have some business there."

"Ok, well I won't pry. Hey, is your friend gone for good?"

Jane looked at him. "You mean Danger?"

"Yea. She um... Well she promised to fix my And Justicars for all vid, but I haven't seen her since that night..."

Jane rolled her eyes. "She left, but I'm sure she didn't mean to leave your vid broken. Just catch Tali when she comes aboard. She's still in contact with Danger."

Joker grinned at her and nodded. "All right! Thanks, Commander!"

Jane smiled and shook her head, turning to walk away. Over her shoulder she said, "Just make sure you are using those vids during off-duty hours..."

"You bet Commander! I'm a total professional here."

Jane suppressed a laugh as she saw in her mind's eye the grin that was surely plastered across her pilot's face.

What a great crew this ship has. Saren, you don't know who you are fucking with.

She whispered to Pressly as she walked by to have the crew sent into the comm room when they all returned from their various tasks, and entered the comm room to wait.

-Normandy, Comm room

"Here you are Commander. As promised, here are some varren scraps and pieces of tin."

Commander Jane Shepard looked up at the young engineer, and laughed. "Tali, am I going to have to forbid you from talking with Danger?"

"I have no idea what you are talking about."

"Tali, this has Danger written all over it. Did she dare you to do it?"

Jane couldn't tell for sure, but she thought she saw a slight change in the quarian's features behind her mask, perhaps a smile of some sort.

"Well, perhaps she did make a few suggestions as to appropriate items to bring back to you."

Great. Danger, you are supposed to be pretending to go rogue. You aren't going to be able to pull this off if you can't stop talking to Tali!

"Well, I guess I will just have to send you and Garrus to the Citadel for some real supplies. Here, take the credstick and go get whatever we need. We should be arriving there soon. And try not to get caught up in any mischief with Danger! I know you know where she is!"

Tali and Garrus stood and started for the door. Jane thought she heard Tali whisper to Garrus something about Danger being right on how to get the credstick from the commander, but she just let it go.

"All right everyone, dismissed. We're taking a bit of shore leave, so get some rest and enjoy yourselves. We'll talk about the next war game in a few days." The rest of the crew got up to leave, but Liara lingered.

"Is there something on your mind, Liara?"

"Yes… I wanted to talk to you about this earlier, but I did not have a chance. I am a little concerned about Tali."

"What do you mean?"

"She seems a little… obsessed with your friend."

"Don't be ridiculous. She's just interested in Danger's take on programming. Danger may have not had a lot of formal training, but that's probably what made her into such a great practical programmer. She's got a lot of knowledge to share with the quarians."

"Yes, she does. That is what worries me, Jane."

"Liara, you aren't making sense. What are you trying to say to me?"

Liara walked over and knelt down in front of the commander, taking the woman's hands in her own. "Jane, do you remember how we started?"

Jane thought back and smiled. "Yea, it was actually kind of comical. If I recall, you wanted to make a study of me because of my exposure to a Prothean artif... Oh I see what you mean. But that's just not possible. I mean, Tali is… She's just Tali. There's no way she would fall for a human, especially not a female one."

Liara didn't look convinced. "I don't know, Jane. There is something about your friend. She is older and she is dangerous. It is a devastating combination, and you should have heard Tali carrying on at the run yesterday. She and Danger were working on some program or another, and every five minutes they would send more code back and forth. I just… I do not know for sure; Tali is hard to read and I do not dare try to examine her, but I think you should talk to her. And this time, actually do it, not like you talked with Danger..."

Jane had the grace to blush. Liara was right, of course. She should talk to Tali, and really do it this time. It was too late for Danger, but she could at least get the quarian's head on straight.

She gave the asari's hands a reassuring squeeze. "All right, Liara. I'll talk to her. Now, go and get some rest. I have some business on the Citadel."

"Oh?" She was suddenly suspicious. "And you need to leave me here?"

Jane inhaled deeply.

This is going to be difficult. Should I lie? Or should I just omit certain truths?

"Yes, I have to see someone."

"Can you tell me who?"

She decided to be honest.

"I have to see Sha'ira."

Liara pulled her hands back. "You are going to see the consort?"

"I have some business with her, yes..."

"I see. Well, I suppose I deserve that. If you will excuse me, I have some things to tend to of my own." With that, she stood and quickly walked out the door.

Jane stood up and tried to grab at the asari. "Wait, Liara… What? Hold on a…" She was gone.

Wow, that went horribly wrong. She thinks that I am going to Sha'ira for… Oh man, that was a Danger-class fuck up. So much for the honest approach.

She sank back into the chair and put her head in her hands.

Why does this just keep getting worse and worse? We should be enjoying our happily ever after, not fighting because she thinks I want to see a prostitute. She can't possibly think that… Damn it, why am I having these ridiculous visions! Why is all of this happening to me? Why can't I just be normal, like everyone else, and have a normal relationship, without all this other extraneous bullshit ruining my day?

Jane leaned back in her chair and looked at the ceiling.

I just have absolutely no luck with women whatsoever. Well, there is nothing more I can do here. I need to go get these visions under control, and then I'll go see Liara and explain that I didn't want to sleep with Sha'ira. She'll be calmed down later.

Commander Jane Shepard stood up, rubbed her eyes as if it would make the bad dream go away, and then headed for the Citadel.

-Normandy, Sickbay storage area

So, she is going to see the Consort.

I'm sure it's not what you think.

And I'm sure it's exactly what I think. What would you know, anyway?

Liara was pacing the small room, furious. She kept glancing at the door, waiting and hoping for Jane to burst through it, telling her it wasn't what she thought, but Jane never came.

Because she is in the Consort's arms right now, not mine.

Well if she is, Liara, you did bring it on yourself. For the record, I don't think that's what she's doing though.

She sat on the small cot that served as a bed. It wasn't large, but it had managed to accommodate her and Jane without too much trouble. She lay down and closed her eyes. Jane's scent lingered, even days after she had spent the night.

I wish she were here. She should be here in my arms, not out wandering the Citadel. She should not be with… her.

No, she shouldn't be. I'm sure it's not what you think, though.

And how would you know?

Because I know love, and Jane is in love with you. She's going to wait for you.

Then why does she need to see this so called consort?

That, I don't know. Maybe you should have asked her, instead of storming out?

That's not fair.

Perhaps it isn't, but I doubt she is going there for what you think. She is a complex woman, but she is a loyal one.

"I do not believe you, and I want you out of my head. Jane has gone to see the Consort, and that asari has been known to make people forget all of their troubles and cares. Jane will forget all about me, and all of it will have been just a big old joke on the naïve little Liara T'Soni. Leave me alone."

I'll leave you alone, Liara. But just remember, don't waste time. That's all I ask of you. Don't waste time…

"I am not the one wasting time. I am the one, waiting, while she allows another to take care of what I should be tending to."

Liara turned on her side, and covered herself with the blankets.

She didn't want anyone to see her cry.