A/N

This chapter and the chapters going forward will briefly reference pairings I originally saw in one of my favorite fictions on this site, Lost and Found by SmarTPantz (Novice at best, now it seems). I do not elaborate on them; as they were her ideas and I have quite enough relationships to explore as it is; I merely reference them as the elements of her story are extremely plausible and happen to fit the time period of these events. It is a wonderful work of art, and if you are interested in knowing more about the referenced pairings I suggest you go read it. I highly recommend it.

Chapter 26: It's your life, it's your mind

-Citadel, the Flux

"I told you she would give you the credstick. Jane sometimes just needs a little kick in the ass."

Garrus, Tali, and Danger were all sitting around a booth at the Flux. Garrus and Tali had been shopping for weapons upgrades, and found a shop that was overjoyed to give them a significant discount on some specialty ammunition they had just gotten in stock. The turian and quarian had gotten quite a few good deals, and when they were done shopping Tali had contacted Danger to see if she was around.

"You were right. She gave up the credstick without a thought," commented Garrus.

Tali just nodded, and smiled behind her mask. "Yes, you do know how to manipulate the commander…"

Danger grinned. "Well, Jane is pretty easy. She's definitely low maintenance, if you take my meaning."

Tali cocked her head quizzically. "Hmm. Were you and the commander involved, Danger?"

"What? Don't be ridiculous. I've known Jane since she was a scrawny little kid. And believe me, she was a scrawny little kid once." Danger grinned mischievously. "No, Jane and I have just been buddies for years. The thought never even occurred to me, though apparently it seems to have occurred to everyone else."

"Well, you and she do have a very familiar way of communicating."

"I have a familiar way of communicating with you too, Tali, and we aren't involved."

"No… No we aren't." Garrus thought he detected a hint of regret in her voice, but Danger didn't seem to pick up on it.

"So, what are we going to do today? Wanna spy on Jane?"

"How?" Tali asked.

"I heard from a buddy she came to the Citadel, alone, to see the consort of all things. I bet you I can bug her offices. We can take bets on whether or not Jane scores!"

"Danger, that's a horrible thought! What about Liara?" Tali actually looked as though she disapproved. It was hard to tell though, under her mask.

"Oh stop it, Tali. Jane isn't going to sleep with that cohort or whatever she calls herself. I'll bet she went there to get her head on straight, and sort out her feelings for Liara. It would be fun to find out though, wouldn't it?"

"I don't know if that's such a good idea, Danger."

"You guys are no fun! All right, fine. What do you want to do then?"

"Well, there is an electronics showing down in the technology district. There might be something there useful to my pilgrimage, and there might be something interesting for your cars."

"Well it doesn't sound quite as fun as spying on Jane, but hey, why not? Let's go!" Danger stood and held out her arm. The quarian linked her own through it, and Danger looked back at Garrus. "You coming, big guy? I got another arm you know." She held out the other one to the tall turian.

"You know what? I think I'm going to pass on this one. That asari over there has been eyeing me since we got here. You two go on and have some fun."

Danger shrugged, and said, "Ok well come find us if you strike out."

Garrus smiled, and turned back to his drink. There hadn't been an asari in the bar all day.

-Citadel, Consort Reception area

"I need to see the Consort."

"Yes, just let me check the schedule. Ah. We can get you an appointment in four months and three days from now."

Commander Jane Shepard rolled her eyes. "You don't understand. This isn't… one of those kinds of visits. This is something important."

"All of our clients are important Commander." She held up a finger and cocked her head to the side, indicating the human to wait a moment. "Yes, yes of course. Well, it appears that you have gotten the Consort's attention yet again. She will see you now, and has ordered her schedule cleared for the day."

Jane bumped her fist off the podium. "Perfect. Thanks."

Jane adjusted her uniform, and ascended the stairs to the Consort's Chambers.

-Citadel, Consort's Chambers

"Please, have a seat Commander."

Jane took a seat on one of the plush couches in the spacious room and waited for the asari to address her again. Sha'ira had her back to the human, so Jane couldn't see the expression on her face. She did, however, sense something wrong in the air. Sha'ira knew something, and she wasn't pleased.

The asari turned to the commander. "I know why you are here. Shiala sent a message. It wasn't a long one; she knows I prefer brief and to the point communications. All she sent was, 'Commander Jane Shepard, Liari N'Vara'. Of course, that one name was enough to make me drop everything and immediately contact her to find out everything she knew. So, I guess you know the story then?"

Jane nodded her head. "I don't know all of it, though."

"You know enough of it," the Consort stated as she turned away again. "Just knowing the name and who is associated with it is too much already." The tall asari moved toward a window, and closed the blinds. "I can fill in the blanks for you."

"I'm not here to understand the missing pieces, Sha'ira. I'm here because I need to lock these memories away from Liara T'Soni."

"Liara." The consort shook her head and leaned forward against the glass window. "I begged her not to use that name, but Benezia was stubborn. She was also foolish, and maybe a little naïve. She was certainly in pain and not thinking clearly." Sha'ira left the window and crossed the room, taking a seat across from the commander. "Jane Shepard, to lock away these memories you must understand the events surrounding them. I can help you learn to control your thoughts and hide portions away, but I fear that it will be more difficult than a simple on and off switch. Liari N'Vara was a very mysterious individual, and Benezia was one of the most powerful mentalists of our time. The two of them creating a child was an unprecedented event, and Liara will have very strong empathic abilities."

Jane thought about her first melding with the young asari, and how it had weakened her.

I wonder if it's because of her lineage. It sounds like she is the victim of a legacy that has transcended the barriers of the normal intellect. She has no idea how to control it. Maybe that's how she sensed all that about Danger, and Tali, and… Oh hell. This just got a lot more complicated.

"I don't really understand, Sha'ira."

"And you wouldn't. This is a story that stretches back centuries, and is a tale of such pain and betrayal that you would think it was only a fantasy in some twisted author's imagination. But it is not. It is a tale of love, and loss, and the inevitable rise and fall of a leader. I was there, through all of it. I helped Benezia cover up what she did, and I helped her hide the identity of her daughter's second parent."

The asari took a deep breath. "I am not proud of my role in it, but it was necessary. Liara T'Soni needed to be raised by blood, not thrust into some group home or placed with a foster family of some other species. We had to protect Benezia and her legacy. But I am getting ahead of myself. Let me start from the beginning."

Sha'ira closed her eyes, and called forth images from the centuries gone by. "What I am about to show you, Shepard, is for your eyes only. I will help you to lock away your visions, but you must have the entire story first. Relax. Embrace Eternity."

-Visions

"Terriana L'Niari."

"That would never work out. She's already being prepped for very important things. You wouldn't be able to fit her into the role you want her in. I doubt very highly that she would be interested anyway. She appears to not be interested in anybody, at all."

"Nassana Dantius"

"Now you are just being ridiculous. I wouldn't accept that trollop into this family if she was the last available sentient being in the universe and you know it."

She snickers. She is just being ridiculous with that suggestion. "Well then, what do you think of that writer? Liari N'Vara? I understand she isn't bonded yet."

"Sister, she is too bizarre for you. She spends almost all of her time traveling the stars and writing. You would never see her. Besides, she speaks of a great love in all of her journals. She is clearly already interested in someone very special and is therefore immune to your charms."

"No one is immune to my charms, Sha'ira."

I smile at my younger sibling. Jennestia was a marvelous sight to behold, and the two of us had been dubbed the most desirable asari in the galaxy. We were very different, though, Shepard. Jennestia was starting to feel her clock ticking, and was thinking about settling down, while I knew that life committed to one partner was not for me. I had a different calling. Though we two looked almost identical, save our facial markings, we couldn't have been more different. Still, I want to see my younger sister happy, and so I am helping the girl to select a bondmate. Normally, this task would have been left to our mother. Our mother is gone, however, and so as the eldest female of the house, the burden falls to me.

"There are some who are immune to them."

"Hmm... Well then how about your friend, that commando? Benezia T'Soni, she's rather attractive."

"She's a possibility, but are you sure you want to be involved with a commando? They lead very dangerous lives."

"Oh, it would be perfect. I will be a great and wise matriarch, and she will be my protector. Matriarchs often bond with their Commando bodyguards, do they not?"

"They do. You sound so sure that she would choose you though."

"Of course I am sure. Who wouldn't jump at the chance of a lifetime spent with me?"

"Sister, you are too confident. It is starting to turn into a somewhat unattractive arrogance. Tread carefully, my love." I write some notes on a datapad and then turn the machine off. "Very well then. I will contact Benezia and present your offer. We will see how it is received. I hope she receives it well. The sooner you are bonded off, the better. I cannot stay here babysitting you forever. I have my own callings to attend to."

"You do not babysit me," she says with a smile as she kneels on the bed and starts hitting me with a pillow.

"Ha, you see?" I reply, fending off the blows. "You don't even act your age." I grab my own pillow and start hitting the younger asari back. "You are still but a child. A great and wise matriarch indeed! You shouldn't even be thinking of this; you are barely mature enough to be off leading strings."

"I can think of whatever I want. I'm certainly old enough to be thinking about bonding. Just because you want to remain elusive and mysterious doesn't mean we all want to wake up with empty arms. Think of how perfect it will be. Matriarch Jennestia and her protector, Commando Benezia. I will bear many children, and name them all Sha'ira!"

"You wouldn't dare!"

"I would!"

The vision started to swim in Jane's mind, and settled on a different view. Time lost meaning.

"My sister wishes to meet with you."

"Jennestia? What could she possibly want, Sha'ira?"

She looks shocked, and I am not surprised. Benezia is approaching matriarchal years, and my sister is barely halfway through her matron stage. Still, such bondings are not uncommon nor necessarily frowned upon, and the T'Soni name is solid and strong and would add honor to our already respected house.

"She has an offer for you."

"You can't be serious."

"Benezia, believe me when I say I wish I wasn't. My sister wishes to be bonded, and your name came up on the list of candidates."

"How… romantic. She does realize how old I am, right?"

"You know my sister. She isn't interested in real romance. She wishes to be bonded, and she wishes to bear many children. She even threatened to name them all Sha'ira."

"Oh dear, who could want to unleash that horror upon the universe?"

She is sarcastic, but she is also right. Jennestia is young, so young. She could still be considered a maiden, by the way she behaves. It is a silly notion, to name all her children Sha'ira.

"She has expressed an interest in extending this offer to you. Will you consider it?"

"I… I need some time. I never expected this. I'm already… there is someone already. But it's… It's complicated."

"I didn't realize that you were involved with someone, Benezia. If that is the case, then ignore everything I have just said. Jennestia was merely going down the list of the most attractive and available asari to bond to."

I suspect I know who she is interested in already, but it is not my place to pry. Sometimes I wonder whether or not things would have turned out differently, if I had pried, and done it long before this. I can see now that perhaps I should have gotten involved. If you are here and asking these questions, Shepard, it means that sooner or later, the truth will come out. And perhaps… perhaps it's time it did… Liari N'Vara deserves a better legacy than the one that Benezia and I gave to her. She deserves, at least, for her daughter to have the choice whether or not to bear her name….

"There is someone, but I don't know if it will ever be… I need some time. I need to see whether there is a chance or it is all in my head. Must I give my answer this moment?"

"Of course not. I am scheduled to travel to the Citadel to oversee the construction of my new offices there. Take your time, and contact me when you have decided. It won't kill Jennestia to cool her heels for a few years. Frankly, I don't think she is really taking this whole selection process seriously anyway."

And she wasn't. My sister wasn't interested in love or romance. The only romance that interested her was the imagery of the wise matriarch and the powerful commando couple, and as long as she had that, it didn't matter whether the two actually loved each other. I sense that Benezia realized this as well, and wanted to give true love one more chance before resigning herself to such a fate. I didn't blame her, Shepard. If she could have a chance at happiness, she deserved it. Oh, she would have been content enough with my sister, but she would never have been truly happy.

Benezia was a good friend for many years, and she had helped my family out with many complicated issues. She deserved a little time to consider the proposal.

"Thank you, Sha'ira. I will give you my answer soon."

The vision started to swim in Jane's mind, and settled on a different view. Time lost meaning.

"I knew you would say no." And I did know. I had always suspected that there was more between her and the writer, but Liari was always so vague in her journals and Benezia always so protective of her inner thoughts that one could never be sure. It may have taken her three years to come to the realization and make her feelings known to the poet, but what is that human saying, better late than never? My sister would have to find another commando to fit into her fantasy.

"I had to. It was a lovely offer, but I have loved her for too long, and wanted this for too long. Now I have everything."

"I see that you are happy. Don't worry about Jennestia. We barely even got halfway down the list. There are plenty of other eligible asari for her to attach herself to. Poor things…"

She laughs, and it's a beautiful sight. Do you see it, Shepard? Do you see how she looked, when she was filled with joy and the love of her mate, and the expectation of their child? Do you see her beauty, her elegance? That was the Benezia T'Soni that the universe deserved, not the battered and broken woman that we got. I had never seen Benezia laugh before that day, not truly laugh in joy. Something had changed in her, Shepard. Something was different after she joined with Liari. She wasn't the same as before. She was no longer lost, she now had a purpose. I could not begrudge her the life she had been wishing for her entire existence. As much as I wanted to see my sister settled so I could pursue my own goals, I could not be angry with Benezia for turning down the offer.

"Ah, I am sure that your sister will find great joy in whoever she decides to bond to. She is a wonderful child."

"She is a pain in the ass. Do you know she actually suggested Nassana?"

"That crone? Well, she certainly is more impressed with the illusion than the reality."

She smiles, and it lights up her face. Do you see the difference, Shepard? This is the look of a woman who is so deeply in love that she would give up anything to hold on to it. It's the look of a woman who owns the entire universe.

"I'm leaving the commandos."

"That is not surprising. I can feel the life growing inside of you from here, Benezia. Now is as good a time as any to make a change."

She nods, and I sense a hesitation.

"I don't think she is going to stop traveling."

"Have you asked her?"

"No, not yet. It has only been one day since… Well I should give her a little time yet, in case she wants to back out. This…" She brushes her hand lightly against her belly, and the life growing within. "This I took from her. We didn't talk about it."

"I see. She could have stopped it, you know."

"Could she?" She rounds on me, and I know I am caught. "You know the strength of my mind better than anyone else, lover."

Are you surprised, Shepard? Don't be. We all spent many centuries together, and it was a very brief period in time. We were not in love, for I knew even then her heart belonged to another. In addition to that, my calling was different, and it was just a few brief summers under the shade of a tree on our home planet, while Benezia sorted out her life and her true desires. We were just passing the time, finding what small comfort we could in each other's arms. It meant nothing, to either of us, in the end.

"That was many years ago, Benezia. What is it that is bothering you, to make you bring up the past?"

She sighs, do you see it? I have hit somewhere close to home.

"Sha'ira, I took this from her. I didn't even ask. I just, I laid there and took it from her. I've never even thought about doing such a thing before."

"Benezia, I don't think you took anything from her that she wasn't already interested in giving. What did she say afterward?"

A shadow crosses her face, and I sense she isn't convinced. There is something eating away in her head, but it's her life, Shepard. It's her mind. The choices that she makes… are hers.

"She was wonderful afterward. She curled around me, and swore to love me through every age. It was more than I was ready for, and much more than I deserved."

"Now why do you think that, Benezia?"

She looks at me, and I know why she feels unworthy. Liari was a unique soul. She traveled the galaxy, seeking treasures that she brought back here to Thessia... that she brought back here to Benezia. She wrote about her trips, some of the most romantic and exotic places you could imagine, filled with all manner of beauty and sin. Yet, her entire life, she had loved only one woman. She had saved all of it, for only one woman, and while she was traveling the stars and writing about her longing to be forever by the side of her love, Benezia was lying in my arms, and fighting with Samara over petty conquests. In retrospect, the whole thing really was quite ridiculous.

Hmm… You do not know Samara. It is just as well. You do not… want to know Samara. Do not let it distract you, Shepard. These names are just echoes of an age long since passed, of a time that is much better left behind and forgotten.

"She opened herself to me, Sha'ira. I saw everything; she hid nothing from me, nothing at all. And there was no one else, not even one small fling. There has been no one else, over all these long centuries. All of this time she was traveling the stars, she never… not once… I had to lock away my mind from her. I was too ashamed."

"I see. It was her life, Benezia. The choices that she made were hers."

"I should have made the same choices." She is quiet, and she looks at the ground. I do not know what to say to make her feel better, or to convince her that she is in fact worthy and deserving of the love of the near-fabled Liari N'Vara.

"You couldn't have known."

"No, I should have known, Sha'ira. I never read those journals she published. I was always too afraid of what I would see in them, of what love and conquests she had been enjoying out there, away from me and my boring life at the university. I joined the commandos because I thought it would excite her. I convinced myself that she could never be interested in me, and so I just… I made some very bad choices that I regret, Sha'ira."

It doesn't sting, Shepard. Don't worry. We were already long past that point, and I understood what she was saying. All that time had passed, and she had never read one of those journals, because of petty fear. She wasted so much time, when she could have known for sure, had she just picked up one novel and saw how Liari was reaching out for her. And Liari? Well, she must have assumed that Benezia did in fact, read the journals, and her lack of acknowledgement was indifference or disinterest. It's impossible to know what was in Liari N'Vara's mind. I admit that I did not know the woman very well. She spent very little time on the planet here, even in those days, and what time she did spend here was usually with Benezia.

"Perhaps, but what I don't understand is why it all matters now. You clearly spent a very close night together, and you are carrying her child. Say what you will, I don't think you forced it of her. She has loved you for centuries, and you might have known it ages ago if you hadn't been so fearful of rejection. Why dwell on the past? You didn't make choices that would prevent you from pursuing this with Liari. You didn't bond to any of us, and it is all ancient history now. Why torture yourself?"

She is still looking at the ground. She hears the wisdom in my words, but something is whispering in her mind. That's the problem with genius, Shepard. It's a fine line to walk and a very short step into the realm of madness. She spoke truthfully about the power of her mind, and she also spoke truthfully in that I knew it better than any other. I could see already the seeds of discord taking root, and I was frightened for my friend.

-Awakenings

Commander Jane Shepard opened her eyes and felt the consort was close to her. She looked over to find the woman had moved to sit beside her, and was resting her head on the human's shoulder. She leaned against Jane almost nonchalantly, with her arms draped across the tall soldier's torso. Jane could feel the asari's breath lightly on her neck, and something stirred deep in her belly…

"Your mind is getting stressed, and I know that these visions can take a toll on you," Sha'ira whispered. "You are incredibly powerful and complex, but I fear that if we push too hard, you will start to unravel. Please, go and rest, and return here tomorrow. I will show you more when you return."

Jane just nodded, and wondered how the asari could have moved so close without her realizing it.

It must have something to do with the melding. I didn't hear her get up. It's strange… I wish there was some other way than to let these asari get into my head. They crawl inside you and you are just never the same again.

She started to get up, but the asari's arms held her in place for a moment. "Shepard, I suggest you stay on the Citadel tonight. Until we are finished, you need to maintain a distance from Liara."

Jane nodded again. "Ok, I will see if my buddy Danger can get me set up somewhere." Why is she so close? Surely she didn't need to come so close to show me these visions.

Jane lingered a moment more, and the asari didn't seem to mind.

Get up, Jane. It's time to leave….

There was something different about the way the consort was leaning against her. It didn't feel like it did with Liara. With Liara, it was sort of a tentative longing; a bittersweet acquiesce. With this woman, Jane felt something completely different radiating from the asari's skin.

Experience. She's not a naïve young scientist, fumbling through her first sexual encounter. This is a woman of the world, who has had the love and adoration of many. This is a woman of power, and you need to get up and out of her arms before you do something you'll regret…

Jane felt the consort's amusement at her indecision, and closed her eyes.

This can't be happening. I need to get out of this room. The air is stifling…

Suddenly, the asari withdrew her arms and moved away from the commander.

"I can see I have awakened more than old memories, Commander Shepard. I would be lying if I said I wasn't… curious… but I'm not in the business of forcing more than is requested or required. Go now, and I will see you tomorrow. Stop by in the afternoon, and I will show you the last days of Liari N'Vara, and the fall from grace of Benezia T'Soni."

Jane stood, exhaled sharply, and nearly ran out of the room.