That was some dress. He was sure he'd remember it if she'd ever worn that before. Some thin silky fabric that clung to her body; a body many women must envy. Her bare arms were toned and her calf muscles defined. He knew she kept herself in shape, and worked through some pretty tough self-defence programmes. Went with the territory of being captain.
The sheen of her auburn hair glowed against the vivid green of the dress. She looked stunning, beautiful. She was a beautiful woman; he'd thought that for a long time, but tonight she looked different... somehow. Exactly how, he couldn't say. It was as if she'd shed more than just the thick skin of her uniform tonight. Almost as if she'd woken up out of some sort of hibernation, standing there, very much alive, in vivid spring green. He loved seeing her out of uniform. Would love even more to see her out of that dress too….
He checked himself – realising he was in danger of losing it again, and it wouldn't do; he knew he needed to keep his side of their unspoken agreement.
Just a few weeks previously in the Hawaiian resort Paris had programmed into the holodeck for the crew to unwind in, Chakotay had managed to keep his hands off her, well, mostly. She'd spent the entire evening at his side, wearing a colourful strapless dress. He knew he hadn't been able to stop his gaze lingering just a little too long, as he'd taken in the way the bodice had fitted her slender figure perfectly. But then what did she expect? It wasn't like she'd worn anything like that ever before then, was it? There were some things it was just impossible not to notice, he'd done his best, but knew it probably hadn't been enough. Then again, he knew he hadn't been the only one there to stare. When they'd arrived, Paris had given her an openly appraising look that had made Chakotay bristle. At least the others had had the good grace to appreciate the difference in her appearance with some subtlety.
Late in the evening, she'd been cold, when they'd relaxed with some of the others on the beach to watch the sunset, and he hadn't hesitated to take the opportunity her shivers had presented to put his arm around her and pull her close, ostensibly to warm her up. It'd felt like the most natural thing in the world to him to feel her there against him. Exactly where she ought to be.
That evening he'd felt like he'd belonged somewhere, for the first time in such long time. And it'd felt so good, there with her.
As they'd sat there on the beach watching the sunset, he had absentmindedly caressed her arm with his fingers for a few minutes, as his mind had wandered into unfamiliar territory.
He'd actually started to think about the future.
A future where they got home somehow and where there could be the chance for some new sort of life for him. Perhaps her unswerving determination and her pathological optimism were infecting him too now?
He'd found himself wondering what it could mean for him and for his crew if the situation with the Cardassians had changed significantly by the time they made it back? Maybe his life might be his again? It'd been so long since he'd thought of himself as someone with choices or with a future that consisted of anything other than conflict and loss. Being there with Kathryn and the others like that, had reminded him of the life he'd had before the attack on his home world had brought everything crashing down around him.
She hadn't shrunk back from him when he'd pulled her close to warm her up. She'd seemed comfortable with it. He felt sure he'd have noticed if she hadn't been. He'd savoured having her there against him. They'd been amongst the very last to leave, and as she'd said goodnight to him at the holodeck exit, he'd thought she had seemed slightly wistful somehow. And he'd let himself hope, perhaps foolishly, that she hadn't wanted the evening to end either. That she too had felt something of the deep-rooted contentment he'd felt beside her for those few hours.
And now this - it was more than he'd hoped for recently.
If they could continue to share evenings like these, then accepting the constraints between them that she needed, so that she was able to feel she was doing her duty to the ship, would be more bearable than he'd imagined it was going to be. Those first few difficult days back on the ship after New Earth had drained his reserves to an all-time low, so the opportunity tonight to spend another evening close to her, and this time alone, felt like a gift to him.
It meant something about how she felt too, surely? Surely it wasn't all just a reaction to the near death experience?
Perhaps she was finally starting to accept that she had the right to want some sort of life outside her duty shifts? And that he would be a regular feature in it?
He understood she had strong reservations now they were back on Voyager about allowing free reign to the potential that they both knew existed between them. Didn't feel those reservations with anything like such strength himself, and if she'd wanted to let things continue to unfold between them, frankly he'd have been overjoyed. But he couldn't really claim he hadn't understood her obvious reticence to change the nature of their friendship. It hadn't come as a surprise. He knew her well enough to expect it.
She had to know by now how he felt about her; he was sure of that. But he was still uncertain as to what he could really mean to her.
She cared about him deeply, that was much was clear. But she was still engaged to a man she was in love with when they'd left the Alpha Quadrant. He didn't presume he could have usurped Mark's place in her heart so easily, so quickly. She was as loyal as he was. She wasn't the sort of woman to get involved with someone she didn't love deeply. She was engaged to the damn man, not dating, he'd had to remind himself more than once.
Still, if she was happy spending evenings with him as her best friend, escort, companion, whatever the hell she wanted to call it, openly giving him those roles in her off-duty life in front of the crew, that could be enough for now.
He couldn't bear the idea that he would ever be a source of pain to her; her life was hard enough out here as it was, without him messing with her head or her heart.
So he honestly thought he could deal with the limits, if they could always have this new closeness in their lives. His soul had ached for her presence, alone in his quarters their first night back on the ship. Not to mention how it'd screamed out last night as she lay in an ashen heap in his arms, dying.
This evening together would go a long way to help breathe some life back into it.