Chapter 29: Pieces will fall, they fall

-Citadel, Danger's safe house

Jane Shepard awakened in a cold sweat, not really sure of where she was. She sat up in the bed and looked around her, grasping for any tendril of reason in this world that could keep her grounded in reality. She was terrified, and her skin was crawling. She felt as though droplets of blood had come to life and were smothering her, feeding on her skin from the inside; progressively becoming drunk on her fear. Slowly, she steadied her breathing and became aware of her surroundings. She was no longer in the platinum wonderland. She was in her friend's safe house. She was alive, and she was safe.

Jane swung her legs over the side of the bed and gripped the edge tightly, shutting her eyes and willing her mind to forget.

It was only a dream, Jane. It wasn't real. There is nothing to be afraid of. It was only a dream.

She opened her eyes and exhaled, pushing herself to her feet. She stepped over to the bureau and slipped her Omni-tool around her wrist. She checked it for messages, and then walked toward the washroom to clean off the misery and filth of the night.

You are going mad, Jane. You are going completely mad, and you need to get a serious grip on reality. None of that actually happened. There is no otherworldly force guiding you to slay your friends, and there are no gods playing games to test your strength. There is just you, and your crew, and your gun. That's it. That's all there ever was, and all this platinum nonsense is probably just some side effect from exposure to chemicals or something. It's just like the biotics.

She leaned against the sink and turned on the water. Cupping her hands, she splashed some of it on her face, and tried to wake up from the nightmare... all the nightmares. It had seemed so real, and so vivid... It had seemed like something that had actually happened. It had seemed like something... she had actually done... something... she was capable of actually doing.

Get a grip, soldier! This is not how a commanding officer behaves!

She balled her hands into fists and shut her eyes tightly. This was going to be the death of her. Sooner or later, the visions and the dreams and the stress were going to break her, and when they did, would there be anyone there to pick up the pieces? Would anyone care? Or would they just... go on living as if Jane Shepard had never even existed...?

She opened her eyes and looked back at the mirror. Dark eyes stared out at her from pale, chiseled skin. She looked older, and she felt older. Silently, she asked the question of her reflection.

Why?

The mirror had no answers for her. The dreams had no answers for her. It seemed that no one had any answers for her, and the more she learned, the more questions she needed answers to.

How long can I go on like this? Maybe I should… talk to someone about it.

She dismissed that thought almost immediately. The second she started talking about having dreams of killing her crew members, the Alliance would declare her unfit for duty at best, dishonorably discharge and lock her up at worst. She was going to have to deal with this on her own.

Maybe whatever Sha'ira teaches me will help with these as well. I should get ready to go see her. She is probably my last, best hope to get everything under control.

Jane nodded to herself and turned off the water. She would learn what she could from Sha'ira, and hopefully she could apply it to the other situations in her life as well. She would get this under control. She had to. The entire universe was counting on her to keep it together. Liara was counting on her to keep it together.

Liara was counting on her to keep her sanity to keep them all safe.

She hung her head, and slowly turned to the shower. She removed the clothing she had borrowed from Danger's drawers, and stepped into the water, hoping beyond hope that it would wash away the guilt and the horror and the… shame.

-Citadel, Consort's Chambers

"You have returned, then."

"I have. I don't have much of a choice. It's either do this or lose Liara, and I'm not prepared to call that quits just yet."

"It isn't going to get easier, Shepard."

"No, I don't suppose it is." Jane deposited the datapad on a nearby table. "Have you ever read that?"

Sha'ira picked up the unit, and nodded. "Shepard, I helped select the letters that made it into this collection."

"It's not… It's not quite what I expected."

"No? Well, what did you expect, sugar and lollipops, or perhaps candy and caring? Shepard, the asari have a very dark history. We are drawn to violence as moths to a flame. We worshipped Ardat-Yakshi as goddesses. Goddesses, Shepard. As they took our daughters as sacrifices, we reveled in the violence and carnage of it all. We danced in the blood and the moonlight. You see the asari as some sort of supreme beings, but in truth we are all as feral as Liari N'Vara on some level. Liari was just brutally honest about the beasts that lived within her. Some of her letters were of love and devotion, but the ones that really stirred the hearts of her fans were the ones that talk about her demons. You humans have similar tales, do you not? Werewolves, and vampires and the like? It is not so very different, with Liari."

Jane nodded slowly. "I was surprised to read about the three turians."

"You think she should have been punished. Those three had been making a career of raping and stealing whatever they could. The universe did not mourn their loss, and the council wanted to make Liari a spectre after hearing the turian girl's account of what happened. No, Shepard, do not make judgment calls without knowing your facts. It's true that from Liari's point of view, something took over her body and granted her the strength to ravage other living beings, but the fact remains that… They had it coming." Sha'ira's gaze locked onto the commander's, almost daring her to argue.

Jane did not take the bait.

"You are a young species, and we learned long ago that there are some wounds that need to be cauterized. You cannot allow them to fester, or they will destroy entire limbs. Liari's actions made her legendary. Even the Justicars bowed their heads in respect, when they crossed paths with Liari in the far reaches of space."

Jane nodded, but didn't respond.

"Benezia was particularly aroused by the tale," Sha'ira continued, changing direction. She licked her lips and Jane thought she could feel a distinct electrical charge in the air. "From what I understand, by the time she was through with Liari and the writer was off to her next mission, her hands weren't the only bones that were broken." Sha'ira smiled suggestively and watched for the commander's reaction.

Jane wasn't quite sure how to react, and she wasn't sure she was comfortable with the sudden change in the air surrounding them. She tried to keep her face impassive. It must have worked, because soon Sha'ira took a seat next to her and leaned back, one leg crossed over the other. The electricity didn't dissipate, but it didn't look like the asari was going to push the issue… yet anyway.

"There is one letter that did not make it into the book. I have it, and I will show it to you, but not until you have seen the entire tale. Are you ready?"

"I'm ready," Jane stated.

"Very well then. Close your eyes, and relax, Shepard. Embrace Eternity."

-Visions

"I wish to bond to her, Sha'ira."

"So do it then."

"She is gone again. It seems that every few weeks, something forces her to leave."

I look at my friend for any hint of what she is trying to express to me, but Benezia's features are as stone this day.

"I fail to see the relevance, old friend."

She sighs, and looks at me. She is starting to show now, and I can tell that the weight of the burden she has accepted has finally hit home to her. She is of course, ready for this at her advanced age, but none of us particularly wishes to face raising a child alone.

"I beg her to stay, and she leaves anyway. How can she leave, and yet claim to love me so?"

I take her hands in mine, but there is no electricity as there once was. I may have felt a slight regret, but as I have mentioned before, Shepard, I have chosen a different path. I had to let Benezia walk hers, free from confusing thoughts of an age that had long since turned to dust. "I think that you already know why, my friend. She has hidden herself away for the better part of a millennia. In time she will trust you, but you will need to be patient with her."

Benezia is not convinced. She stares at the sky, almost as if she could see where Liari had gone. And where had she gone? No one ever knew, until her journals were published. The asari owe our dominance in this universe largely to Liari and her travels. She went to many places that no others dared go. She was fearless, and she was cunning. All of it was masked by her soft-spoken personality, but as we learned over the course of the next year, Liari N'Vara was a force of nature, not to be taken lightly.

"I have been patient, Sha'ira. I have been patient for that better part of that millennia, and now I want for her to stay here and help me with this." She gestures to the life growing within her.

"Have you explained how you feel to her, and why you want her to stay?"

"I have not. Not yet."

I sigh, slightly exasperated. Do you see why, Shepard? She is more comfortable talking with me, than talking with her lover about what she wants. She is still punishing herself for the choices she made in the past, and it is silly. She 'begs' Liari to stay, but I have a sneaking suspicion that she actually is too fearful to ask her lover to give up her life of travel.

"You must speak with her about these things. Talking with me will do you no good, Benezia."

"I know." She looks down at the ground, and I take notice that she is doing that more and more often. She is frightened of what she has done, and what is to come. I think that perhaps even then, she knew the choice would fall to her and she would have to make it. The further she reached into the depths of Liari N'Vara's mind and soul, the more out of control the woman's inner demons became. I am still not entirely sure of the relationship between the two events, but Benezia's mind and will was strong, and it is possible that at some point during their many joinings, the demon found some way to feed off the powerful mentalist's strength and overcome the barriers that Liari had in place over the long years.

It is interesting, is it not, how opening ourselves up to another can often make us weaker? It should make us stronger, but that is a fantasy in a poet's tale. The reality is far more brutal, and far less forgiving.

"I may speak with her when she returns, but every time she returns from a trip, she is wilder. She is impossible to contain, and our nights…" Her eyes get a faraway look, and I know that her anger at the writer for leaving is quickly dissolving into lust and desire. "Our nights grow more insistent, as if she knows her time is limited and is attempting to live out the rest of our days in moments."

I nodded my head, but I kept silent. And what would you have said, Shepard? Would you have offered comfort, a shoulder to cry on? Would you have offered wisdom, giving her words of encouragement and reassurance? Would you have offered more than that, taking her in your arms and helping her to forget how lonely she is? All of these thoughts crossed my mind, but as I said, Benezia needed to walk her own path without any confusion from me. As enticing as the thought was, I controlled myself and merely sat in silence with my friend, until the hour came when letters were to be delivered and she departed to see if there was word from her love.

The vision started to swim in Jane's mind, and settled on a different view. Time lost meaning.

"Look at this." She hands me a letter, and I read over it several times.

"So it is true then."

"It would seem that way."

"And how do you feel about it?"

She looks at me. I can see in her eyes that the revelation has heightened her desire, but she is also frightened, and she should be.

"She is dangerous."

"Not to you and not to your child."

"That remains to be seen."

"Don't try to take that mysterious and wise tone with me, Benezia. Part of it is your fault, you know. It was clearly under control before this. You dug too deeply within her mind and loosened too many shackles that ought to have been left intact."

She turns away from me, and I know I have gotten through to her. Look at her face, Shepard. She is struggling with the knowledge that she is a party to her lover's spiral into disgrace. She holds her belly, which has grown heavy with the child within, and I know that she is wondering whether the traits will pass to the next generation.

We may worship those who harbor demons, Shepard, but we do not actively try to create them. Benezia had no way of knowing what the future could have possibly held, or what the outcome could have been.

"It is. But there is little I can do to change it now."

"What would you change? I see in your face how you long to be in her arms, Benezia. Would you change things and deny yourself the experience you have had?"

She thinks about it, and it saddens me. This is the evil gripping her mind, Shepard. Any influence that can give someone as in love as Benezia pause, is surely evil of the worst kind. It is almost as if something is whispering to her to remove herself from her union. Something is fearful of what Liari is, and what she is capable of. Something wants Benezia to distance herself from the powerful and mysterious woman. At this point, it is still unclear why. Perhaps you will find more enlightenment on that subject as you pursue your mission.

"No, I suppose I wouldn't change anything. I still would not have wanted my daughter with anyone but Liari."

I nod in relief. At least the evil hasn't penetrated so far that she would reject her daughter. You do not know what a good sign that was, Shepard, for I feel that Liara has a great role to play in the future. It was important that the child grow to adulthood, and that she do it under the watchful eye of those closest to her and most likely to understand, should she show the signs.

"So what will you do now?"

"There is little that I can do. I will wait for her return, and nurse her wounds as I have done all the times previous. I will pray that she can bring it back under control. I will stay out of her mind, lest I cause more damage than I already have."

"Benezia that is not the answer. Do not deny yourself the pleasures of your union. All that will accomplish is alienating her and that is not a road that you wish to travel down."

Her face takes on the look of one that is attempting to harden her heart, but I brush my hand across her cheek and she softens again. My touch isn't enough to awaken the lightning in her veins, not anymore, but it does remind her that withholding herself from the one who has the power to control her body will bring only pain and despair. It is mostly the hormones talking, Shepard. She does not mean the things she says, and in the end, she will lie in her lover's arms and try to forget about the beast that lurks, just a hair's breadth away.

The vision started to swim in Jane's mind, and settled on a different view. Time lost meaning.

"I spoke with her tonight, and begged her not to leave."

"What did she say?"

"She took her hands in mine and swore it would be the last trip. She is shocked that I have accepted her."

"And have you? Accepted her, that is."

She hesitates. Something whispers to her, Shepard. Something is calling to her, and pulling her away from where she belongs.

"I don't know. I don't know how to cope with this, how to bear this burden."

"Benezia, I have known you for many centuries. You are strong, and powerful, and there is little doubt in my mind that you could control her. She need not escape the planet to change any longer."

She looks at me, surprised that I have voiced what has been gnawing at her all these long months. Liari handled it the right way, I think. She allowed little hints to drop, scattered throughout her letters in such a way that when Benezia came to the full realization of the reality, it was too late to turn back.

"Mind your tongue, Sha'ira. We do not know who could be listening."

And she was right Shepard, we did not know who was listening. Something, was listening though. Something had been listening in Benezia's psyche for centuries, and something was slowly turning her against all those that she had ever loved. It is a sad thing, Shepard. Liari was a pure soul, who bore the mark of the ancient, and if there was anyone in the universe who could control her when the rage came forth, it was Benezia T'Soni. If it weren't for the whisperings in her mind that ultimately claimed the powerful asari mentalist's soul, you might have had three formidable allies in your mission, instead of just one.

We all pray that one will be enough.

"Has the child shown any signs?"

"No. She is restless at times, but I do not feel it coming from her. She bears the mark, but she does not bear the beast."

"That is a good sign, at least. When Liari returns from this trip, will you at least try to contain her?"

She hesitates again. My heart is breaking, for I think even then I sensed the foreshadowing of what was to come. There was something in her eyes, something in the way her facial features seemed to sharpen. She was balanced on the tip of a needle, and none of us could know in which direction she would fall…

The vision started to swim in Jane's mind, and settled on a different view. Time lost meaning.

Shepard, I am almost loathe to show you this memory, but you must see it in order to understand. I had not seen Benezia for almost a week. It was unusual, for during Liari's absences, my friend would often seek out my company. I was still on the planet, attempting to arrange my sister's bonding, but it was slow work and it afforded me much time to spend with my friend.

I see her walking toward me, and immediately I know that something is not right. She has done something terrible. I invite her inside my home, and offer her tea, hoping to calm her.

"Benezia, what is wrong?"

She doesn't betray any emotion. "There is nothing wrong."

"I know that look, my friend. What is it? What have you done?"

"There is nothing wrong, and I have nothing to be sorry for."

Do you see it, Shepard? Can you feel my fear, my horror, at what I anticipate will come next? Do you see the calmness in her face? Do you see how her eyes are not her own?

"Benezia… What are you talking about?"

She hands me a note. It's a short note, and it's on a datapad. I read it, and my heart stops beating as the words register in my mind. It is a distress call, sent only to Benezia, only to the one that she trusted implicitly. In retrospect, I believe that Liari knew that this was to be the telling moment. The two of them had of course professed their love, and gone through nearly all the motions, but this… She just had to know whether or not Benezia could truly accept and embrace what she was.

"Where is she…"

Her eyes harden. She doesn't speak. There is a reason she is here, Shepard. She cannot control all of her thoughts at this moment, but she is reaching out to me, in hopes that I can change the course of events.

"Benezia, where is she?"

She still doesn't speak. The muscles in her face contort, as if she wishes to, but not a sound is made. I look back at the datapad and see that the location has been erased, but the date had not. It had been almost a week.

I throw it on the ground, and rush my friend. I take her face in my hands, and I am not gentle.

"Where is she." It is not a question.

She does not move, and I am left with no other choice. I push into her mind, and that's when it all happens. Benezia snaps. I do not know if it is because of her pregnancy, or because of the voices that whisper to her in the darkness, but her strength is ten times what I remember it. I am thrown against the wall by the force of her mental power and her biotics, but I do not give up.

I stand and rush her again, attempting to pick the location out of her head, that I might turn her from this path of insanity before it is too late. Again I am thrown, and I feel a snapping in my left arm. She is too strong. She now has me in a stasis field, and I know not how long I was immobilized. I lost all sense of time as well as my grip on reality. My only focus was penetrating her mind, but her barriers were so high and so strong that I was as water breaking itself on the shore. Still, I persisted, thinking that perhaps I could wear her down.

We spent days like that, Shepard. We spent three days like that, shields locked, before finally our exhaustion overcame us. The last thing that I remember is her forcing me against the wall one last time, and closing her own eyes and crumpling to the floor.

I awoke some time later, and she was thankfully still unconscious. I prayed to the Goddess for the last bit of strength I would need, and I ripped the location from the woman's mind.

I was too late, Shepard.

The planet Liari had visited, that unstable place bereft of life where she often went when she felt it would a particularly bad change, had claimed her. The wind and sand washed over her like a lover, and as she lay there, starving to death in the storm that had disabled her ship, she penned letters to Benezia.

When they found her, she had a small shovel in one hand, and her pen in the other. That shovel was the only thing she had ever found on the planet indicative of higher life. She was surrounded by pages and pages of letters she penned in her last week of existence, each becoming more desperate than the last, as she realized that her love had abandoned her. She had sent her distress message only to Benezia, for if her one love were to turn on her, then she did not wish to continue living. Shepard, you cannot imagine what a slow and tortuous death that creature suffered at the hand of her love, and if I was but a little stronger, I might have been able to avert it.

I was not.

The vision started to swim in Jane's mind, and settled on a different view. Time lost meaning.

Benezia is with me here, waiting on news. She awoke shortly after I plucked the information from her mind, and now she waits with me to find out one way or the other, if she is responsible for the death of her lover. The message comes through on my datapad, and I know that my face betrays the truth even as I consider how to approach it to her.

Do you see her face, Shepard? She cannot understand how she could have done this, how she could have abandoned her love in this way. The voice in her mind has receded; its mission was accomplished, for now. Liari N'Vara was no longer a threat. Now all that was left was Benezia, lost and alone and aching for the touch of her mate, whose eyes were now darkened forever.

It was a horrible night for the both of us, Shepard. Do you see what is happening? She has gone into labor. It is almost as if her daughter has realized her parent has been ripped from her prematurely and is attempting to escape from the monster that caused her such pain. The child wants out. Benezia is sobbing, and I carry the miserable woman to my bed. I have had no children of my own, Shepard, but this is one of those things that you just instinctively know how to handle. You will see, someday I am sure.

It lasted for hours, and I sense that Benezia embraced the pain. She wanted to punish herself for what she had done. I allowed her to. It may have been slightly vindictive of me, but Benezia broke one of the most basic of our laws. It doesn't matter whether Liari was a demon, or an Ardat-Yakshi, or some other monstrous deformity. Liari had done nothing but contribute great works of art to our culture, and right wrongs as she saw them. She isolated herself, to protect us from the beast within, and instead of holding Liari's heart and protecting it; Benezia threw her away as if she were a monster.

After an eternity, the child is born. Do you see her, Shepard? Is she not the very image of Liari herself? Benezia will not let me take the child even to clean her. She holds her close, and whispers, "My Liari, my Liari, what have I done?"

I leave them alone. There will be no talking to her this night, and I am weary and need to rest.