Chapter 31: History tends to repeat itself

-Citadel, Danger's Safe House

Jane sat on the edge of Danger's bed and practiced the techniques she had learned from Sha'ira. The asari had told her they were easy to learn, but hard to master, and Jane believed her. It was a strange thing, being so attuned to her mind. In the past, she had never really thought about memories or what they meant; they were just kind of there. All that had changed now, though. Now she had to be fully aware of her thoughts, and she had to control them around Liara. The last thing she wanted to do was hurt the young asari. Plenty of hurt had already cycled through the galaxy during the Liari N'Vara saga; there was no need to continue it now.

The guilt and pain Benezia must have been in over this… I just can't imagine abandoning someone I loved like that. How could she have done it? Even if something was controlling her mind, wasn't she this great mentalist? Shouldn't she have been able to find the inner strength to get past whatever was trying to block her?

Or maybe, deep down, she really was just too scared that she was in over her head with Liari. Maybe, deep down, she was grateful for the way out… What an awful thought, and an awful thing to have to live with and see every day, in her daughter's eyes…

Jane felt her throat constrict, and she tried to swallow the tears.

Why do these people who have these epic love stories always seem so quick to throw it away? It doesn't seem fair…

And it wasn't fair, but life wasn't being particularly fair to anyone lately, least of all Jane Shepard. Still, she needed to push forward, and get her mind under control if she had any hope of keeping her relationship with Liara, and doing all the other things that she needed to do.

She started practicing her isolation techniques, first seeking the memory, then visualizing the locking sequence, then stowing it in an area that was reserved for her secrets. One by one, she locked the memories and stowed them, locked them and stowed them, locked them and stowed them. After an hour of practice, she started working on the hiding techniques. This was more difficult, but vastly more important. She visualized air circulating through a vent, and focused on her grounding totem, which was, interestingly enough, Danger's greasy transmission. It was the first thing that Jane could think of when Sha'ira whispered in her mind to focus on an object, and so it became her grounding totem.

Danger will be so pleased. I'll never hear the end of it.

She spent the next several hours on hiding the memories behind a veil of air. It was slow work, but by the time evening fell, she felt they were secure enough that she could be around Liara without the asari getting any clues from accidental meldings or physical contact. She wasn't sure how it would hold up if they got more… intimate… but Jane felt that was still a ways off so she still had time to perfect the technique.

Her final task was to block any new memories coming in. Sha'ira was especially adamant about this, as Jane could easily get overwhelmed if the visions started to pile up. It was unknown how many of them Jane could handle or Liara could transmit, but she agreed with Sha'ira in that the ones she already had were more than enough. She was already starting to feel as though it was overwhelming, and she didn't want to start confusing those memories with her own.

She changed into a pair of shorts and a shirt she pulled out of one of Danger's drawers, and laid in bed to practice the final technique. For this one, she would have to visualize Liara. For this one, she would have to clearly picture the asari in her mind, and set up a wall that would remain in place at all times. It saddened her to have to build that wall, but it was for Liara's own protection.

I wonder if this is how Benezia felt, hiding her own memories and experiences from Liari. I wonder how much of herself she did show to the writer.

Jane closed her eyes and tried not to think about that. It was bad enough she was feeling guilty over hiding these pieces from the only person she wanted to share everything with; she didn't need to carry the weight of Benezia's choices as well. That era was over, and Jane had to make sure that she was ready for the next one, and to protect Liara, no matter what her personal feelings were on keeping secrets.

Jane visualized the asari in her mind, and felt at peace. There wasn't another soul in the universe that had made the commander feel this alive. There wasn't another soul anywhere that could understand who Jane was inside of the soldier exterior.

I don't really deserve her. She's so pure and untouched by the world. Everything about her is perfect.

Jane exhaled and tried to ignore the sensation that had started creeping across her skin.

Is this an ache I really want to lie here and chase tonight?

Probably not. It was getting worse, though. With every day that passed, Jane felt like more and more of her time was spent pushing back the wave of emotions that overcame her every time she thought of the young scientist and less of it was spent focusing on the tasks ahead. This sort of thing wasn't supposed to happen to soldiers. Soldiers were supposed to be strong, and powerful, and always in command of their minds and bodies. The last thing that Commander Jane Shepard felt like these days was that she was actually in command of anything.

How much longer can this go on? How much longer should I wait before saying something to her?

Jane had no of way of knowing. She had never been in this situation in her life before. She'd had minor relationships in the past, but nothing that brought her to the level of internal anguish she was feeling with the distance between her and Liara. Those had been just flings, or one night stands just looking for a little comfort in Jane's arms. They were nothing particularly special, and the one girl she might have been really interested in was part of a rival gang, and was killed in a firefight before Jane had an opportunity to talk with her.

No, there had been no one quite like Liara. There was no one who stirred fire in the commander's core, no one who could set her skin ablaze with a look. There was no one else, and Jane couldn't have her. For whatever reason, she had to pick the one asari in the universe who was still trying to figure herself out.

Hmm, I guess Danger and I aren't really all that different. We both picked impossible situations in the end.

But, at least Jane had contact with Liara, even if it did currently have boundaries. She could at least talk to her asari and enjoy a small amount of physical contact, even though Liara would stop just short of taking those next steps.

I wonder what goes through her mind when we are close like that. It's almost like she's arguing with someone, something, inside. I wonder if it has anything to do with this… thing… that was wrong with Liari…

Jane turned over on her side and tried to go to sleep. She didn't want to lie here in pain half the night, wishing for Liara's touch. It was too much, and she knew there would be no way to extinguish the flames. She needed to just push those thoughts right out of her mind... and focus on sleep…

-Dreams

The nights grow long, and I can wait for you no longer. It's a short walk to your room, but it feels like it's taking an eternity. One foot in front of the other, steeling my will and convincing myself that it is time. It's an agonizing procession, as the thoughts flicker through my mind of what I will say; how I will express my need for you. Standing in front of your door, I ponder whether to knock, or just open as I have done so many times before. Thankfully, the doctor is asleep, and so she cannot observe my indecision, my confusion, and my obvious conflict.

I decide to just open the door. We are beyond the need for formalities, and I do not wish to delay any longer. The quarters are small, but it was the best accommodation I could provide. This is not a passenger ship, and it is far better than what even my crew is accustomed to. At least it is private, a small, secluded place where you can pursue your research in quiet comfort. I wanted at least that for you.

I am immediately grateful that I did not make a big fuss at the entrance. You are already slumbering, soft, slow breaths causing the thin covers to rise and fall gently. You are lying on your side, as you had been that first night I came to your quarters, and I smile. It is almost as if you want to make sure there is room for me to slip in behind you, should the mood take me to visit. I stand here for a long time, just tracing every curve of your face with my eyes. You are perfect, and untouched, and somehow, I do not feel that I deserve you. I certainly do not deserve what I have come here for.

Still, my heart is on fire and lightning is racing through my core. I must be close to you, even if satisfaction is not to be mine this night. I slip out of my shoes, as I recall doing once before, and quietly slide in behind you, leaning slightly against the wall. Even this close, I can feel the electricity arc between us. I wonder if it is mutual; if the asari can even understand this current that runs through our human veins, the spark that boils our blood and sets our souls ablaze. Does it cause you the same pain that it causes me, to be so close, and so prepared to lay everything on the line, and yet have to hide it all inside, and stay within my boundaries? Are we in the same place, Liara, or am I here in the darkness, alone?

I want to pull you close to me, but I am fearful of disturbing you, and right now, the proximity is enough. I inhale deeply, and I am reminded of ancient things, ancient worlds, and the knowledge of ages long since passed. You are young, but in many ways, your mind encompasses truths far beyond what even the elders can contemplate. Your intellect is intoxicating, and I cannot imagine a time when I would not be captivated by the mere sound of your voice, articulating your deepest thoughts and observations.

I reach out my hand, and without making contact, trace along your side, starting at the shoulder and holding at your waist. I want so badly to touch you, but you are so peaceful and so unsuspecting, that I do not wish to confuse you and take advantage of what would surely be a dazed and half-hearted acquiesce. Back and forth, just above your slumbering form, I move my hand, closing my eyes and imagining what your skin would feel like underneath my fingertips. The electricity grows insistent, but I fight it back down. I can feel it heating up my skin with desire, and I pray that it doesn't wake you.

It does wake you, though, or perhaps you were never really slumbering at all…

"Why do you not touch me, Jane?"

I hear your whispered words, but I do not know the answer. I do not know how to respond. I feel more than see you turn slightly towards me, and my hand freezes midway back to my own side. I am locked in this place, stuck behind an electrical barrier in the air between us, and the cold steel of the wall against my back. What is the term that we humans used in the old days, deer in the headlights? Perhaps it is much like that. The next moments will mean either my demise or a new chapter in my life, and right now it is impossible to say which.

I know you are waiting for my answer, but I cannot speak. My mind has gone completely blank, and my hand is still frozen where it hovers.

"Jane… Why do you not touch me? Is it because; you do not really want me?"

I hear a slight hint of pain in your voice, and it breaks my heart. How could you think such a thing? My hand is back under the control of my scattered brain, and I reach out to grasp your hip and turn you toward me. Even in the dark, your eyes are luminescent, and I see now that there is no sleep in them. You were waiting for me.

"I do want you," I whisper as I pull on your waist, encouraging you closer. "I am just not sure, whether we are in the same place."

Your mind is keen, and I sense that you immediately understand what I am talking about. I feel your arm snake around my ribs, and your body push closer, as you whisper back, "I am in the same place… please…"

My mind is racing with the revelation, and I feel that my skin must surely be burning through this ship casualwear. There is no denying my desire, and I feel my hand, acting of its own volition, pull your body against mine with more insistence, eliciting a sharp intake of breath from you. There is no time for that, however, and no time to ponder whether it was in desire or I was simply too rough. My passion is that of a woman, and it's reached the boiling point. I slightly prop myself up on my elbow, and use that hand to cradle your head as I descend upon you, finally tasting your lips and focusing all the electricity, all the passion, and all the fire that has been haunting me these long months into that one act. I pray that it's enough to shatter any resistance you might have had to my advances, and I pray that I have awakened enough of the flames in your own body, that you have no choice but to submit to my will or be burned alive. I pray that you do not ask me to stop. I am not sure whether or not at this point, I even could.

In this moment, I realize that our species are not so very different. I feel that your skin is on fire as well, and you push back against me with the same urgency, the same unconsciously controlled instinct. In fact, I am feeling slightly foolish now for my thoughts previously regarding your innocence. I can feel your passion is as deeply rooted as my own, and you are the first to start exploring the skin that lies beneath the physical barriers separating us. Your hand is lighting fires as it scrapes along my back, and I feel you pushing against my lips with bruising force. You are silently demanding it from me, demanding I lead you down this road of no return, and I am only too happy to comply.

Despite your passion, I do sense that your inexperience is giving you pause, and you are leaning on me to help you understand where to go with this new emotion, and how to ease the pain the electricity leaves in its wake. Your body is that of an adult, but it is frightening you and I know you want to be sure I'm here for the right reasons. I don't resist when I hear the almost audible click, and feel you push into my mind. There is no reason to, now, anyway. I have all the memories locked away and hidden, where you will not stray across them. I have taken great care to ensure that the knowledge I hold is kept to myself, until the time is right to share it with you. I know you are surprised at not needing to prepare my mind with the focusing words, but I have changed in these months and I am not the same as I was before. I am someone else now, Liara, and I am yours forever.

I feel you looking through my memories, and opening your own mind to my examination, should I wish to inspect. I am not interested in digging through your past at the moment, however, given that the present is far more insistent. I sense that you are losing interest in parsing my memories as well, and I feel you pushing against me again, forcing me against the wall and using it as leverage to keep yourself locked and aligned with my form. The innocent and frightened child of yesterday is quickly being eclipsed by the adult woman of today whose needs have drastically changed, and now instinct is taking over.

I feel your lips part slightly, your tongue at first tentatively seeking, but then more insistent as you feel the electrical reward that reverberates within your core every time it comes into contact with mine. It's a fascinating feeling, and though I try and try, I cannot stop myself from chasing it this night. It seems you cannot either; I feel you gripping my clothing as if it could save you from drowning as you whimper softly, letting me know that it is affecting you in the same way it is affecting me. The clothing you grasp is becoming too constricting, however, and I sense that tonight we require more than can be accomplished in this state. I gently push you away, and see the hurt in your eyes as I do. It is replaced quickly by a heightened desire, however, as you realize it was only to allow me the open space to relieve you of the burden of your coverings. I am sure that my own eyes reflect that same primal craving, as you nearly rip through the barriers I, myself, bear.

I am struck by a rather comical thought as I feel you move back against me, forcing me once again into our wall; passion and desire can be quantitatively measured by the time it takes to remove one another's clothing. An interesting thought, indeed.

I have had quite enough of this game, though. My arms tighten around you, and I use the wall as a counterweight to force you onto your back, covering your body with my own. My brain ceases to function, as a high voltage charge is sent through to it when you grip into my back, pulling me against you and settling yourself beneath me. I feel you shifting slightly, tugging on my body and trying to alter my leverage. I'm curious as to what you are after, and I don't resist as your hips pivot beneath me, seeking to mesh with the most secret and sensitive skin my body harbors. The electricity arcs between us, and I feel you biting into my shoulder and sinking your nails into the muscle on my back to leverage yourself against the movements. I am beginning to think that perhaps I did not seduce such an innocent maiden, after all.

The current flowing through me with each slight movement is too much to bear. I almost want to break the contact, but you are holding me in place, almost as if you knew that somehow it would overload my senses and I would try to move away. I feel you in my mind, and though I don't hear the words articulated, I know what you are trying to express. You want more, you want me closer, and you want me to use my considerable strength to bring you to the point of no return. I feel your free leg curl around my waist, fully exposing your own mysteries and silently demanding contact, so I reach down and grip your hips, pulling you firmly against me and melting at the sound of your sighs as our skin slides together.

I can't even explain why I need this so much, or how this even happened. I find myself sending an inarticulate mental message, requesting you to bite harder into my shoulder, so that I might have a grounding point to focus on; someplace to try to direct the lightning; anything at all to cut through this haze of uncontrolled passion, but you sense my thoughts, and shake your head. Instead, you release your hold on my back and secure your fingers in my hair, lifting my face out of its resting point just next to yours, and forcing your lips almost painfully against mine. All thoughts of a grounding totem forgotten, I grip more securely into your hips, surely drawing blood at this point, and I push myself down harder onto your burning skin. You are trying to keep me focused in you, and I sense that you want nothing to distract us from the quickly sharpening throb in the deep recesses of dormant passion.

It's going to happen soon, and I sense emotion rather than conscious thought in the most remote parts of my psyche that it's happening for you as well. Your hands are entwined in my hair painfully, but it's a magnificent contrast to the pleasures being felt elsewhere along my skin. I know that we are but seconds away from the moment our love and devotion will be cemented in eternity, and I seem to be able to form only one coherent thought….

"I will love you through every age, Liara."

I can neither speak nor think as I feel you accept my telepathically communicated vow and push your hips up against me one last time, quivering and blacking out at the compelling force of emotion my declaration and our lovemaking has thrust upon you. I am in love with you, and now I understand where those words come from. Now I understand, why she did what she did, and why she made the decisions that led to her eventual end.

I will love you through every age, Liara, and I sense that you too, will love me. We won't make the same mistakes they did.

This time, it will be different.