Chapter 32: What's in your head

-Heavens, undisclosed location

"I told you before, you cannot force this, Athame."

She shook her head at him and continued moving pieces on the board. "It is almost complete. I have gotten rid of the mechanic, and now I just need to make sure she is finished off. Then I will have nothing but time to get your Champion where she needs to be."

He leaned forward and thought about how to approach this with her. She was in one of her moods, and this was often the most dangerous time to be around her.

"My friend, you must let it go. Your little ploy did not work, and my Champion is not going to abandon the young one because of her lineage. Can you not just let them be happy? We have bigger threats to worry about than a mechanic courting one of your daughters..."

Her head snapped up and her eyes flashed. "I will not allow this to happen, Palladium. That bloodline cannot be tainted. If we make it through this, the progeny of that union will usher in a new era to my children."

"You are being ridiculous." He sat back again and crossed his arms. She truly was being ridiculous, and he didn't know how to get through to her. He looked at the piece of his champion, which was now fully covered in platinum. She had passed all of the trials, and now all that was left was for her to come to him and accept the gifts he had for her. She had to accept her Platinum Sword. She would ascend to the ranks of his Silver Hand, and take her place among her peers. There were only five hundred souls that had completed his trials over the millions of years he had ruled in the heavens, and he was impressed that this one had done it so quickly. She truly was special, and he had forged a unique blade for her. It would stay here in his Platinum Halls, but she would be able to draw upon its power when the time came. She would be able to draw from his own power, when she needed it most.

He turned his gaze to the image of the daughter she wanted his Champion paired with. The figurine wasn't facing his Chosen, and was instead fixated on a position just to his left. He knew why, but didn't bring that piece out of his queue. That would infuriate Athame, and there was no telling what she would do. He had fought with her enough times over the millenia to know that the outcome was unpredictable, and right now he couldn't afford to let her emotions start a war in the heavens. There was too much at stake, and he had to ensure that this time the machine-gods lost the battle. He had to do this for her, even if she didn't realize it. He knew this was killing her, and every civilization that fell cut another piece of her heart away. He could bear to watch it no longer.

He looked back at his Chosen, and smiled to himself as he took note of the direction she was facing. She was facing the young figurine Athame had placed so many moons ago; the one that bore the mark of the demon. He wasn't sure exactly what she had done to create that bloodline, but he knew that it was to play a major role in the final confrontation. He was actually glad that his Champion had fallen in love with this creature. If she had taken the path Athame wanted her to, she might not have passed through the trials and all of his preparation would have been for nothing.

He reached over and grasped the hand she was using to move pieces around the board. "You must let this go." His platinum eyes pierced her black ones, and she sighed and rubbed her temple with one of her free hands.

"One last try. I need to make one last attempt to set this pairing in motion."

He reversed the direction of his hand and stood, lifting her to her feet. He moved around the table and placed his other hand gently on her cheek, tilting her face up to look at him.

"Very well, Athame. One last attempt, but if this fails, will you promise me you will let this go?"

She considered him for a moment, searching his platinum eyes, but eventually she acquiesced. She nodded and gripped his hand tightly.

"I will let this go. I need one last try though, and then I will let this go."

He smiled at her and then pivoted slightly to stand beside her. "Come with me, my friend. I have something to show you. I have finished forging the blade my Champion will attune herself to. It is my finest work, and I would like you to see it."

She looked one last time at the board, and then smiled at him. Her plans were in motion, and soon the mechanic would be out of the picture. Then the humans would have no choice but to send his Champion to attend to her selected daughter, and everything would fall into place. She could afford a little relaxation time to let Palladium show off his talent. He did make very beautiful blades, after all, and he did so love showing them to rest of the Pantheon.

"I would love to see your latest work, Palladium."

-Citadel, Danger's Safe House, Later

Jane Shepard was jolted out of her dream by a loud knock at the door. It took her a few minutes to remember where she was. She half expected Liara to be lying next to her, naked and wrapped neatly in her arms, deep in slumber and exhausted from their lovemaking.

Who could that possibly be? No one knows I'm here but Danger, and she wouldn't knock on her own door. This is ridiculous. I can't even finish a dream about her. This is so unfair.

Jane got out of bed and turned on a light. She rubbed her eyes a bit to try to adjust to the change in ambiance. She checked herself, but thankfully she wasn't covered in sweat this time. Looking at her omni-tool to check the time, she found she had been asleep for…

An hour? That can't be right. Damn it. That was a weird dream. It felt... Gosh yea I should just stop thinking about it. I guess dreams just aren't supposed to make any sense. It's got to have something to do with all these other things that are going on in my head. I need to get a grip on things.

The knock grew louder and more insistent, so Jane grabbed her pistol, and went to see who was there.

Whoever it is, I hope you give me a reason to use this. That's one vision I wouldn't have minded spending some more time in…

Jane opened the door, and leveled her pistol at the intruder.

"Jane!"

Liara T'Soni instinctively put up a barrier, and took a step back.

"Wow, Liara, what the heck are you doing here? How did you find me?"

Ok, that's really not fair…

"Danger, of course."

Jane lowered the pistol and rolled her eyes. Of course it would have been Danger. No one else in the universe had timing like her mercenary friend…

"She told you where I was?" Jane put the gun down on a table and waited for the explanation.

"Well, not voluntarily." Liara dismissed her barrier and turned slightly. Jane noticed that her skin was glowing blue with the power of her biotics. Slowly, Danger floated into sight, caught in a stasis field.

"Jane, I'll have you know I've decided I don't like your girlfriend anymore."

"Whoa, Liara. That's… That's hysterical." Jane couldn't help herself. She fell to the floor with laughter, her anger forgotten.

And it was hysterical. Danger was upside-down and had her arms and legs akimbo, as if she was doing some sort of inverted meditation.

"This isn't funny, Jane. I'm starting to get a headache here!"

"Well no one told you to turn upside down, Danger. I didn't put you in there that way."

"Oh Liara, I can't stand it. I need a picture of this, hold on." Jane picked herself up from the floor and turned her arm slightly.

"Don't you dare! Or I swear to you I will track down every last bit of those scrawny images of you, reconstruct them and blow them up into holiday cards."

"Danger, you know what? This is so worth it."

Danger just grinned and then turned herself right-side up again. "Ok, I got you here. You can put me down now."

Liara smiled and lowered the human to the ground next to her. "Thank you Danger," she whispered so Jane couldn't hear.

Danger whispered back and winked, "Anytime, Liara."

The mercenary made a big show of dusting herself off and looking miffed. Shaking a finger vaguely in the general direction of nothing, she stated, "Jane if your girlfriend ever puts me in that bubble again I'm going to have to get rough with her."

Jane looked at Danger, and started laughing again. "Ok, ok, Liara, no more biotics on Danger, please. We'll never hear the end of it."

"Hmph. That's better. Well Ned is here with the ship so I am going to grab this transmission and go load it up. I'll be back in a little while, and then you and me are going out for drinks, Jane. So you um… Better get dressed. How do you do that to clothes, anyway? On anyone else in the universe those would look different." Danger shook her head.

"Hey, it's not my fault they don't fit right. Of course I'm not going to look right in clothes designed for elcor."

"Elcor! Oh that's it Jane, you are gonna pay for that one!" Danger tackled her friend and the two of them rolled across the floor, laughing hysterically, stopping only when they heard the door slam. Slowly, the two looked up to find a very stern looking Liara gazing down at them.

"She started it!" said Danger.

"I, what? I did not. You started it!" Jane kicked at the mercenary and caught her in her bruised eye.

"Ouch, damn it. Ow. Oh yea! That felt good. Here, kick it again, while I'm still down!" Danger leaned forward and presented the side of her face, motioning for Jane to continue.

Jane pulled back her foot, but then thought better of it. "Danger… Are you ok?"

"Yea, of course. I'm fine Jane. Listen I'm going to get this thing out of here and onto the ship." Danger stood up, walked over to the corner of the room, and started pushing the cart out the door. "I'll see you in a bit."

Liara closed the door after Danger left, and leaned up against it. Jane stood and adjusted her clothing in an effort to look presentable.

"What are you doing here, Liara?"

"I wanted to see you. You have not contacted me, at all and I was a little… bothered by it. I really, needed to see you tonight, for some reason." She looked the commander over, and decided that Danger was probably right. The human hadn't been spending her time here in the consort's arms. What her purpose with the asari was, Liara couldn't guess, but at least her mind was at ease that Jane hadn't been seeking satisfaction elsewhere for things she wasn't getting from their relationship.

Yet, things she is not getting yet… It is starting to become… urgent. The fantasies are getting too realistic, and they are even invading my waking hours now.

Truthfully, Jane looked a little goofy. She was wearing a scrappy shirt and shorts that were a bit too big on her. She certainly wasn't dressed how Liara was accustomed to seeing her. Jane Shepard was always so polished and together, and her uniforms always fit her form perfectly. The sight of her relaxed, just lounging around, was sort of peaceful. It was a side of Jane that Liara decided she liked.

Those clothes are obviously Danger's. She probably borrowed them so she did not have to come back to the Normandy.

"Yea, I'm sorry about that Liara. I didn't mean to worry you. I did send Danger, though I see maybe that hasn't gone so well."

"It is fine. I just had to persuade her to give me this location. I probably should not have come here, but I missed you, Jane."

The commander smiled and held her arms open. Liara smiled back and locked her own around the human's neck. "Liara, I just had to come here to deal with some stuff regarding… visions. That was all. I didn't go to her for… that."

"I know, Jane."

"Here, have a seat." Jane led Liara to a couch and then sat down next to her. "So why did you come all the way out here, and why does Danger think she's dragging me out for drinks?"

"Well, part of that was my suggestion." Liara leaned back on the couch, and noticed something on the table. Picking it up, her eyes narrowed and she looked at Jane. "I did not know you were so interested in asari culture." She tossed the datapad at the commander.

"It's just something I was given to look at. Why, you don't like it?"

Liara looked thoughtful for a moment. "I suppose I do. I mean, I never really understood what the fascination was, but I suppose she was a decent writer. I am named after her, you know."

Jane felt her heart stop, and tried her best to look disinterested.

She knows she is named after Liari? How did she find out? What else does she know?

"Oh?" Jane replied, trying to appear nonchalant and being painfully aware of another who had responded to a very different question, long ago, in much the same way.

"Yes. Everybody was it seemed. She died the year I was born, and there must have been twenty five Liaris and nearly as many Liaras in my class alone. Benezia was interested in her writings, and I guess was interested enough that she named me after the poet. Everybody was interested in her, though. Words and phrases from that publication," she indicated the datapad Jane now held, "became common expressions."

Jane let out her breath as softly as she could. "So, what else do you know about her?"

Liara waved a hand. "Not much. Her writings never really interested me. I read all her journals in school of course, but she wrote more about the habitability of planets and things like that, with vague references to their effect on some medical condition she had and notes that seemed to be meant for a love interest. She found the occasional ruin here and there and apparently brought pieces back to Thessia, but she did not seem particularly interested in the origins of the objects she found. I found it somewhat dry, but it was part of the curriculum."

"This was part of the curriculum?" Jane held up the datapad.

"No, that was not part of it. The journals were. However, everyone on Thessia has read that book. Liari is some sort of icon."

Jane put the datapad back on the table. "I only read a few pages in it. Some of it scared me."

Liara nodded. "There is not too much information about her medical condition, but some thought that she was some sort of a demigod. I am not really sure though, given the way that she died. It just does not seem very, mystical or what you would expect. It was very sad, but there was nothing particularly otherworldly about it."

"So your mother was a fan?"

"Everyone was, especially among those her age." Liara looked a little exasperated. "You couldn't walk five steps without hearing someone talking about the book, the author, or the tragedy for at least half a century. I guess it was different for them than it was for me. I mean, they had spent their entire lives reading those journals and had more or less grown up with her. To me, it was just another book, and it wasn't about history."

Jane nodded slowly and thought about how to approach her next question.

"You don't really talk about Benezia much."

"And what would I say? I prefer to remember her the way she was, before…"

"I understand that, but I mean you never talk about the way she was. You never really talk about her at all."

"I do not really want to bore you, Jane."

Jane cocked her head quizzically at the asari. "Liara, why on earth would you think that would bore me?"

"Well I… I uh… I am not really sure. I just, I have already said so many embarrassing things."

"Liara, we are way past that awkward stage now, right? I want to know about you. Why wouldn't I want you to talk to me about things that are important to you?"

"Well, I am not sure how to answer that. This is all, so new. What do you wish to know?"

"Everything."

Liara just shook her head and smiled. "That is quite a lot, Commander."

"Oh, we're back to 'Commander' now, huh?" Jane nudged the asari playfully. "How about just telling me about Benezia?"

Liara leaned back on the couch and looked up toward the ceiling. "You know, no one has ever really asked me about that before? It is almost like, no one ever really cared, not even the others around who helped to take care of me. I always felt like they, I… am not sure how to explain it. It is almost as if they respected her, but never trusted her, or they were frightened. They treated me… differently. I guess it is because she was such a spiritual leader." Liara shook her head and looked back at Jane.

"My mother taught religion and philosophy, but I do not think she always did that. She was always closed about personal things and kept herself locked away. I do not know much about her past at all. But despite her secrecy about it, she was always very kind to me. I remember one day I was trying to get into a cupboard that I knew she kept sweets in, and I climbed on a counter. It was a silly thing to do, but I was a child and I just wanted the sweets. I lost my balance, and grabbed the cupboard door to try to regain it, but I fell off the counter and sliced open both of my hands on a sharp fastener on the way down."

Liara closed her eyes and smiled at the memory. "I remember being so scared that she was going to scold me for trying to get into the sweets, but she just… Dropped to her knees next to me, and took my hands in hers and cried. She tended to them so carefully, you see?" Liara showed her hands, palms out, to Shepard. "There are no scars. You cannot even tell, even though the cuts were extremely deep. She was so careful, and did her best to not cause me any pain. She never even said a word about the sweets or me climbing on the counter. Not one word, Jane. That is my favorite memory."

Liara's eyes took on a faraway look, and Jane just smiled. She loved hearing the asari talk.

"I had other injuries throughout my childhood, of course. Scraped knees, minor cuts, bruises, the typical things. But she never tended the others with such care as she did that injury to my hands." Liara curled her hands into fists and crossed her arms. "I never asked her why, and now I suppose I never will."

"Liara, I'm sorry…"

"No, Jane, I have to face it sooner or later. You keep trying to comfort me and I keep resisting, and it is not right. I trust you with this." She turned herself around and leaned against the commander, who settled into the couch and wrapped the asari in her arms. "I trust you with this, Jane. There is just so much that is unexplained, and I wish she were here. I should have asked her these questions instead of just disappearing to the stars. I should have done so many things, but I always thought… I just... I always thought I would have more time, Jane. When your life expectancy is a thousand years, you always think you have more time. But, time gets away from you, and now I will never be able to ask her the things I wanted to."

Jane closed her eyes and squeezed Liara. "It's ok. These things all happen for a reason. Maybe when we are done with the mission we can go back to Thessia and see if she left anything for you, like a message or something like that."

Liara twisted to look at the human. "Do you mean that?"

Jane looked a little confused. "Of course I mean that. Why wouldn't I mean that?"

Liara settled back against the human. "I do not know why I said that. Yes, that is a good idea. I will need to see to her estate anyway, at some point. Benezia did not have any other daughters."

"It's clear that she loved you very much. What was that nickname she used for you?"

Liara chuckled. "Little Wing, and it was not really that special. It was just another thing out of that ridiculous book that everyone decided was the new gospel. But you are right, she did love me and I do know that. She was always gentle with me, and listened to what I said. She was not even angry when I left. She just smiled and nodded, and told me that if I ever sent a call, this time she would respond. I am not quite sure what she meant by that, but it was comforting. And then, she just prepared a pack for me and let me go."

Jane smiled. Yes, surely Benezia would not have made the same mistake twice. If her daughter called, she would answer, this time.

"What was in the pack?"

"Not much. There were just some supplies, some datapads, and a few pens even though I never used them; and a small shovel."

"A shovel?" Jane thought about one of her dreams, and tried to keep her breathing even.

Is it possible that it's somehow linked? How could it be...? A shovel...

"Yes, I am not sure where she got it, but it is a very valuable artifact. It is made out of some sort of silver alloy, though I am not certain exactly what the material is. I never actually used it at a site. It is too small to be very useful anyway. I keep it with my things. It seemed important to her somehow."

Jane nodded. At least Benezia honored Liari's last wishes. She passed on the shovel. I wonder... I wonder what it looks like... No, stop thinking about that, Jane. They are just dreams and that's an end to it. Liara is all that is important, anyway. I need to put all this into a document and have Danger set it up to be delivered… Maybe Sha'ira will give me that last letter to put with my own letters. Someday, Liara deserves to know why that shovel was so special. The letter was painful, but it belongs in Liara's hands.

"I'm glad you told me these things, Liara. You can tell me anything, you know."

"I know Jane. This is not really the reason I came here, though."

"Hmm? Is something bothering you?"

"A little, yes, but it is bothering her far more."

"Her? Her who?"

"Danger. She has been here about a week now, right?"

Jane thought about it. There had been the war games, and then the bar night, and then the break to drill, and then they went to see Shiala, and now her visits to the Consort… "Yea it's probably been about that, sure. Why?"

"Well, do you not think it strange that the matriarch has not made any sort of contact?"

"I guess, but Danger hasn't exactly gone out of her way to contact Terriana, either. Maybe it's like she said and the matriarch hasn't even noticed she's gone."

"That is what worries me, Jane. Danger is taking this extremely hard. She is looking for trouble. Every time I see her, I can feel the despair just radiating out of her. It is getting worse."

"Ok, well there isn't much I can do about it, Liara."

"I think you can. I suggested the two of you go out tonight. She needs you, Jane." Liara sat up and turned to the human. "She needs you. I think you have been too worried about us to really see what your friend is going through. You and I, we are ok. Go out and have some fun with her tonight, and try to get through to her before she self-destructs."

Jane looked at Liara, and smiled. "How can I deny you anything? I'll go try to straighten Danger out tonight." She turned Liara around again and pulled her back where she was originally resting. "I'll get her sorted out. Maybe I'll get really lucky, and she'll get drunk enough that she has to spend the night in my bed again, freeing me to invade yours."

Liara wiggled against Jane, and the commander was reminded of another memory, of another time, in another woman's head, long ago.

"Maybe." Liara turned her head slightly to look at the human above her, and Jane's breath caught at the look in her eyes and the slight lowering of her voice as her playful wiggling turned suddenly serious. "Of course, even if Danger does not get too drunk, you could find a reason to suggest she returns to your cabin on the Normandy, instead of here..."

What is she suggesting? Dear lord, is she saying what I think she's saying?

Jane inhaled sharply, and tightened her grip around the asari. Liara bit her lower lip and glanced at Jane's mouth, then back to her eyes. The commander could feel the change in the asari's breathing, and it sent electricity through her veins straight to her fingertips.

Oh no, she is saying what I think she is saying… how am I going to get through this night, knowing she's here, waiting for me? Damn it Danger, why couldn't you have just gone to Omega?

Jane closed her eyes as she felt Liara's hand lightly touch her cheek and slide around to the back of her neck, pulling on her and silently begging her to close the distance. Jane lost all ability to think and will to resist as she felt Liara lift her head slightly and whisper, "I am in the same place… please…"

"Whoa, you guys will never believe what's going on in Chora's Den! They imported some fancy strippers from Omega and its drink specials all night! Holy shit… Damn it… Jane, I'm soooooo sorry!" Danger threw up her hands and started to back out the door. "I will totally come back… some other… century…" The embarrassed mercenary turned to run, but Liara got up and put her in another stasis field.

Did Liara see my dream? Oh hell… And of course, this is when Danger decides to walk in, fucking it all up like a boss, yet again. Jane closed her eyes and clenched a fist; clearly ready to decorate Danger's other eye. After a moment, she relaxed. Liara was right. They were ok, and Danger was not. It wasn't Danger's fault, and she could have Liara later.

Wow, that thought is going to follow me the entire night… I can have Liara later… Liara… wants me to come back here tonight… She's going to be here, waiting for me tonight… I'll come back here later, and… Did she see my vision? I guess I am doing a terrible job of keeping things hidden from her… I really should see Sha'ira again. There's clearly more to this than just… a few transferred memories. I haven't even kissed her yet and somehow she knows all my thoughts.

Jane shook her head to clear it, and stood up. "Liara, you had better let her out of that thing. She looks mortified enough as it is. Danger, don't worry about it. Let's go get some drinks, but are you sure you want to go to that hell hole?"

"You bet I do!"

"Jane, I cannot let her out. She has turned herself upside down again…"

"Just drop her. Maybe it will knock some sense into that pea brain of hers."

"Hey! Ouch, Liara! That's so not cool."

Liara just giggled. "I am sorry Danger, but I cannot disobey an order from the commander."

"Oh please, I really don't need to hear your bedroom talk! Gosh. Jane, let's go! Are you sure you aren't going to come, Liara?"

Liara waved a hand. "No, I am going to stay here and search your safe house. Who knows what interesting things could be hidden here!"

"Well ok, but just stay out of that wall." Danger leaned toward Liara conspiratorially and pointed to a seemingly benign location. "That's where I keep the good toys." With an exaggerated wink, she artfully dodged the datapad Jane threw at her and disappeared out the door. "See you at Chora's, Jane!"

Jane stood there and shrugged. "I don't know what you are talking about, Liara. She seems better than ever to me."

Liara stood looking at the door for a few minutes, and then turned to the commander. "She's not, and you know she is not. Go Jane, I am going to just order something to eat and relax. Maybe I will read some of that stupid book." She gestured to the datapad which was now on the floor.

"You don't want to read this trash, especially when Danger has this place outfitted with the finest in entertainment." Jane picked up the datapad and stowed it in her pocket. "Ok, well I will see you later on then." Jane embraced the asari, kissed her on the forehead, and started out the door.

"Jane?"

"Yea?"

"Not like that…" Liara gestured to Jane' outfit.

Jane looked down at her attire and grinned. "No, definitely not. What would I do without you?"

Liara smiled, curled up on the couch with her legs under her, and started punching things into her Omni-tool as Jane slipped into Danger's bedroom to change.