Author's Comments: This might be my favorite chapter. Almost had me in tears…
Too Close
Chapter Eighteen
Part 1.
The icy wall around Olivia's heart dripped away the slightest bit while Elliot was openly discussing his inner state of turmoil. She would have a hard time trusting him again after all the times he had brought her down, but his heartfelt talk was a start. When he got up to leave, panic set in, and she stood to follow him, but almost lost her balance from the damned cast.
George stopped her with his words. "Liv, I want to talk to you."
She stumbled back into the chair, hanging her head. "Olivia," he said. "What Elliot did was wrong. But I'm concerned that you're making bad decisions too."
Her face flushed, anger rising to the surface. "So I suppose you're going to tell me what I need to do now too?"
"No, not at all," he said. "But there's got to be a reason you've let Elliot treat you that way. What is it that you've gotten out of his warped sense of love?"
When she couldn't think of an answer, he said, "Plus, I am concerned about you still. If you don't work on the depression, and the things that led up to you choosing Elliot as a partner, you'll just repeat those same bad decisions."
"So what do I do?" she said, resigned to accept advice from the only mental health professional she trusted.
"Obviously you need to search out answers in counseling—maybe a domestic violence group would help—but you already know that. What I think would help you the most right now is if you take a step back from Elliot, like you started to do already. Learn to disengage from him, no matter how hard he tries to drag you into a fight. And get some space from him, so you can learn to recognize when he's being irrational."
She nodded, and said, "Okay."
"And take care of you," he said. "You are still in a fragile state. You have to nurture yourself, or you will end up in trouble again."
"Yeah," she said. "I can see that."
Part 2.
A wave of exhaustion washed over Olivia, and she was all too obliging when Amanda said to her, "Hey, wanna go home now?"
As they approached the elevators, however, Elliot stood waiting for the next one, still holding a bloody towel up to his nose. Olivia studied his banged-up face while he tried to avoid eye contact. She gulped, working up the courage to say, "Elliot, can I talk to you for a minute?"
She glanced at Amanda, who rolled her eyes and said, "You two go on down, I'll take the next one."
On the way down, Olivia looked into his swollen face, but he glanced everywhere except at her. "Elliot," she said, "I'm sorry for what Nick did."
"I'm not," he said. "I deserved it."
"No. Ya didn't," she said. After pausing, she said, "Well, maybe you did. But I'm still sorry it happened."
"Not your fault," he said. He hesitated a few seconds, and pushed the "close door" button to keep the elevator shut. Then he looked at her like he finally saw her, and said, "Liv, I don't deserve you."
"Elliot—"
"No. It's best for you if you just stay away from me. When I saw your eyes today while you were screaming at me, it reminded me of the way you looked when I hit you, and I don't ever want to see that hurt in your face again." He closed his eyes, and then blinked them open, saying, "You don't deserve a guy like me. You deserve someone who's going to see the angel inside you and treat you like a queen."
She sucked her lips in and said, "So be the man I deserve, Elliot. Be the man I know you can be."
"I'm trying," he said, the muscles in his face tightening. "But I don't know how. I chased Kathy away . . ."
She straightened herself like a column, even with the crutches, and said, "I saw the man I want, El. When you swooped in after I was raped, and took care of me, that was the Elliot I want. When you showed up at the psych ward and brought me a change of clothes, and helped me into bed so gently, that was the Elliot I needed." She emphasized her next words. "Just be that man, Elliot."
He stood there like an idiot, and she felt sorry for him. When she began to wonder if he would ever figure it out, he took his finger off the button and the elevator doors opened. Olivia watched as Elliot walked away, out of the elevator and past Amanda, who acted nonchalant, leaning against a wall.
She rushed over to help Olivia out of the elevator, saying, "Everything okay, Olivia?"
"Yeah," Olivia said softly, "let's go home."
Part 3.
Olivia lay on her back on Amanda's couch, pretending to be asleep. "Liv," Amanda whispered, tapping her on the arm, "Liv, wake up."
Olivia rubbed her eyes and mumbled, "What's up?"
Amanda squatted next to her, fully clothed. "I just thought maybe . . . you'd like to come to work with me again?"
"It's okay," said Olivia, comfortable lounging in her favorite cotton pajamas, "you go ahead without me."
It was Friday, but Olivia was barely aware of that fact, having been lost in a maze of hospitals and broken time for so long now. The corners of Amanda's lips curled under, and she said, "You sure? Because, I mean, we could go to lunch together and everything. I'm sure everyone would love to see you again. We've all missed you—"
"Amanda, just stop," said Olivia, struggling to sit upright. "I know what you're trying to do, but I'm not going to do anything—I promise."
Amanda tilted her head to the side, and Olivia said, "In fact, if you're worried, go ahead and take anything I might use, like medications, alcohol, razors—"
"Olivia," said Amanda, lowering her eyes at her. "I don't need to do that. If you say you'll be safe, I trust you."
"Good," said Olivia, "because I really don't want to see Elliot today."
"I understand completely," Amanda said, smirking.
Olivia spent the day alternating between resting, to resupply the energy that was sucked out of her from her stay at the psych ward, and calling around to find a domestic violence group. That evening, she and Amanda ate dinner together, and though Olivia appreciated the company, staying in someone else's home was awkward to her, even if she was completely welcome.
Late at night, she lay awake in bed, anxious thoughts pelting her, preventing her from sleeping. For the third night in a row, she awoke sweaty and restless from nightmares, after only a couple of hours of rest. Saturday, she slept in late to wake up to the smell of bacon. Amanda brought her a tray with a full breakfast, complete with orange juice, and Olivia smiled when she had a thought that maybe she should just marry Amanda.
"You're a good wifey," Olivia joked, and Amanda spit out crumbs from her toast as she laughed. They giggled for a while, and then Olivia said, "Hey, would you mind to do me a favor?"
"What is it you want, dear?" chuckled Amanda.
"I need to pick up some more clothes. Can you take me by Elliot's place?"
Amanda spilled out a few leftover laughs, and then abruptly got silent. Trying to hide her reluctance, she said, "Sure, Liv. No problem."