I was awake, sort of. I was in that land that's almost a perfect simulation of your mind. I was sat on a damp floor in the middle of nowhere, but in my head, I was laying in bed asleep. While a proud father was leaning against the open doorframe, watching over me with pride in his eyes, like a guardian angel. He wouldn't wake me, he always said that I looked too peaceful to wake up. Then I'd complain that I'd overslept and he'd just smile and say that he loved me. We lived it a normal house; three bedrooms, a kitchen, a living room. Normal. Every day I went to school, I had friends that would talk to me. I'd come home and dad would hug me, ask how my day went and kiss my forehead. He'd help me with homework and take me out to get ice cream whenever I got full marks. In a world where everything fell apart we had each other; because that was all we needed.
I moaned as the images became more and more vivid. His face was smudging and changing. His black hair became coated in a red bandana and just like that my world came crashing down. I had to open my eyes to save the memory. I didn't want it tainted like the rest. I kept my eyes cast down on my knees. My chin was so tight to my chest my neck was cricked but I didn't care. I tightened my arms around my legs but it didn't work. One of my arms wasn't there. It was in another hand, a warm hand. The hand squeezed back a thumb rubbed across my knuckles. Part of me went into panic. They'd found me, they'd take me back and It'd be worse than ever. Then I remembered I only had myself to blame. I was too cowardly to make sure it was over; too cowardly to end it all. I didn't care who'd found me, there was nothing left to break. My heart was in a million pieces and I knew they couldn't find every tattered shard. I left one where no one would think to look. I'd left one with Punk. A sour smile that was so bitter it hurt hit my lips. All along he'd only wanted to use me like everybody else. I shouldn't be surprised. I looked up to see who'd stolen my hand. I didn't know whether to be repulsed of overjoyed; He was a lot nicer than most users I'd experienced.
I groaned and curled inwards as much as I could while he still held my hand. Nothing happened. Couldn't he just get it over with? Rape me, hit me, kill me...Either way, why wouldn't he just hurry up?
"I don't know what to say..." He mumbled. His voice was strange, like he hadn't spoken in years and his throat was bone dry. He sounded warm, like summer. His thumb still grazed my knuckles. I hadn't really seen him. I'd seen the tattoo on his knuckles but I didn't see his face. Somehow my mind conjured up an image of him sitting in front of me. His knee's locking up due to being on the ground for too long, His eyes cast so low anyone would think they were closed, his jaw line set, showing he was really thinking about something that was bugging him. His jacket would be zipped up all the way and the sleeves being pulled over his free hand to shield it from the cold that was creeping its way through the cracks in the wooden walls. It was probably in a tight fist. He would be angry that I tried to run. And angry that I didn't take them all and end his problem.
"It's not what you think Zoe...Really," I scoffed, but it was so weak I wasn't sure if it happened, or if I imagined it all together. The line was merging between my dreams and reality; I know which I'd rather live in.
"I don't know what I can say to prove it to you, Zoe I care about you. If I didn't surely I would've used you already? I'm sorry Zoe, I'm so sorry for whatever I made you think," He sounded like he was crying now; his voice was wavering and cracking. Why is he trying to cover his tracks? He did it exactly like they all do...I make a mistake, I let myself go and become relaxed, I do something to upset or anger them and they make me pay for it. It's tradition. Honestly, he played the part of 'caring friend' a lot better than most. I had to give his acting skills credit, he can even cry on queue. I didn't budge from my spot, or attempt to untangle myself in the least.
"Scott's been looking for you since you left...So have I, we were so worried Z, I don't know what I'd do if you took them all, I just-" Hi's voice was still cracking, but it wasn't wavering anymore, he let out a small cough to hide any 'sobs' that escaped.
"You'd have to find yourself a new whore." I mumbled into myself, curled up so tight my lips grazed my thighs while my forehead rested on my knees.
"Did you say something? Zoe are you alright? Are you hurting?" He sounded panicked and gripped my hand a little tighter as he shuffled closer. I ripped my hand out of his and wrapped them around my head.
"I said," Rising my head, "You'd have to find yourself a new whore. Wouldn't you?" My voice was slow, steady and empty of any emotion. I didn't want to anger him more, but I couldn't play his sick little game, I can't let myself be stupid and actually believe that he cares. I smiled, kind of. It was the slighted of smiles, where all I did was raise one corner of my mouth not even an inch. I hoped it showed him I knew there was no way out. That I knew what was happening. For the first time I noticed the tear stains along his cheek. His eyes were rimmed with red that made him look like he hadn't blinked in years. He was still wearing what he was this morning, I guess he did leave pretty soon after I did.
"Zoe, I know past experiences is screaming at you not to believe me, but I'm gunna say it now as clear as possible okay?" I laughed on the inside, what could he do to magically make me believe him? "Zoe I want you to look at me when I say this," I was looking at the dirty floor, I knew if I looked at him I'd see every single thing I didn't have in life. Everything I thought he'd give me, snatched away like everything else. I didn't want to cry because it was some kind of game to him. "Zoe, look me in the eyes, see that I'm not lying to you!" He put his hands on my knees and shook me a little to get my attention. Not in a violent way, in a...a desperate way. I had no choice but to look at him and I was right in what I found there. Tears began to pool and I was too weak to stop them again.
"I don't want to rape you Zoe," He sobbed, I knew that was real. A tear crawled away from his eye and dripped onto his jacket. "I don't want to hurt you, scare you, upset you...hell I don't want you to feel anything remotely sad because of me," as he said this he was whipping his tears with his jacket sleeve. As he went to return his hand to my knee I snatched it. I gripped it tight, like a lifeline. Like that day at the shopping centre. He was right. His eyes told the truth. There wasn't a bone in his body that was out to hurt anyone...That meant me as well. I couldn't smile just yet, but I continued to cry anyway. I put my head on his hand; It was the closest I could do to apologize. He gripped my hand so tight, like he'd never have to let go. I didn't want him to.
"If I was out to get you, I never would've ended up in hospital that night, remember?" he was crying almost as much as me now. He brought my head up so I was looking at him. "I wouldn't have held your hand when we were shopping and you were scared of all the people. I never would've brought you with me. If I didn't care about you Zoe, I'd have left you on the floor in the bathroom where I found you." I nodded, but I was still crying like there was no tomorrow. I couldn't stop, I had no control over myself and I didn't care.
"I'm sorry, I just...the memories and, I couldn't...I just-"
"Stop, don't you dare apologize. Just remember to trust me okay?" He smiled, trying to make me stop crying. I took deep breaths to try and stop the tears, it sort of worked.
"Can I have a hug Z? I still need to know that this isn't some kind of dream," He smiled again, it was sort of helpless. Like he was scared of doing the wrong thing, He still had tears in his eyes. I leaped over and tangled my arms around his neck. I buried his head in his shoulder and let the smell of him calm me down. He held me just as tight, bushing my hair and whispering 'Shh' in my ear to sooth the tears.
"I was so scared I'd lost you Z, it would've been all my fault...It felt so cold, empty without you there...Zoe you can't leave again okay? You gotta stay with me, I can't let you go." He was crying still, but there was so much vulnerability in his voice it made my spin tingle. I thought about it, last night, sat with Phil and Scott, eating junk food and telling stories and jokes; laughing at each other, goofing around with no fear of rejection. It was home. It wasn't something I'd created n my mind to make surviving easier. It was real, it was here, now. It was ours.
"I don't wanna leave Phil...Take me home." I held his shoulders has he lifted me up, bridal style, just like Scott did when I met him. I kept my head in his shoulder and my arms around his neck. I didn't want to lose this connection just yet.