A/N

I apologize for the delay. I have been working on some other projects, but I haven't lost interest in this story. I wasn't going to publish this chapter until I had the 'talk' polished and ready to go, but people are starting to wonder if I'm still alive. I really want the next dialogue sequence to be big and emotional, so it's taking a while to put together in my head.

Anyway, I am publishing this chapter and we can expect the chat hopefully sometime this weekend, and then it's on to more big adventures. Thanks!

Chapter 44: Back to the grindstone

-Normandy, Commander Jane Shepard's quarters

Commander Jane Shepard made her way back through the citadel docking level to her vessel, thinking in earnest about getting back to the task at hand. It had been nice to take a break and train the crew, but it was always in the back of her mind that sooner or later she was going to have to get back to work, and it looked like that time was now. The Alliance may not have been particularly fond of Salarians, but it was only a matter of time before Anderson would be getting on her back about why she hadn't yet looked into the AWOL reconnaissance team on Virmire. It was time to get moving.

Jane punched her access code into the airlock console, and stepped into the decontamination chamber. She closed her eyes as the beam cleansed her, and waited patiently as it moved back and forth across her body. She really hated that thing, but it was far better than what some of her crew had to endure. She was reminded in a way of Tali and her situation. The young quarian went through the equivalent of this decontamination step every second of her existence. Jane wished there was something she could do, but there wasn't a soul in the universe that could help the quarians now. It was too late. She shook her head and straightened her uniform shirt.

She stepped onto the vessel, and nodded to Joker as she strode past. She needed a shower and time to think about things, and some much-needed rest. She would seek out the gunnery chief the next morning and prep the team, but now, she just wanted some alone time to sort through her thoughts. During the events of the last few weeks, there hadn't been much time to really examine her dreams, and something was nagging at the back of her mind. There was something she was supposed to learn from these visions; something she was supposed to 'get'. It couldn't be just stress-induced nightmares. There had to be more to it, some sort of hidden depth that she was missing.

I need to get a handle on these dreams and what they mean. Are they really over now that I have… I guess… made it to the end? Is that it? Will I visit the Platinum Wonderland again, or am I just out here on my own now? What is with the swords, anyway? I don't think I have ever even seen a real sword, not even back on Earth. Damn. It's all so… medieval. Is there time to go back and talk to Sha'ira again? She might know whether there is any significance.

She thought about it as she opened the airlock to her quarters and stepped inside, moving toward the trunk that housed her things. The elder asari was wise and powerful and surely would have invaluable insight about the matter, but Jane hesitated. Maybe going back to Sha'ira wasn't such a good idea. It might hurt Liara again, and at some point, she was going to have to start trusting the young woman with more than just glib comments about missions while running behind her back to confide in someone else. Trust didn't come easily to Jane Shepard, but if there was any hope of this relationship lasting, she was going to have to try. There were things that Liara deserved to know, and there were things that Jane deserved to be able to tell her. No, her time with Sha'ira, at least for now, had to come to a close.

What I should do is take the next few nights while we are getting to Virmire to practice the hiding techniques, and then talk to Liara about these dreams. She will want to see them, and I should let her. She trusted me with stories of her past, and she risked her life to come after me on that pirate ship. It's time I showed her she's important enough to me to know who I am as well… even if it eventually causes her to walk away.

Jane opened the trunk and pulled out some casualwear, quickly removing her current uniform and slipping into the more comfortable attire. She took her seat at the console, and tapped her fingers lightly on the table, considering, as the reflection of her dark eyes stared back at her out of pale skin on the monitor.

It's interesting, isn't it, how I have spent my entire life locking my emotions away; smoothing them over so that no one would ever see a crack of weakness, and now I want to spill it all out at the worst possible time. I should be focusing on being prepared for whatever awaits on Virmire, not how to tell Liara I'm going nuts.

She smiled to herself, and switched on the console. She wasn't going nuts, but sometimes it sure felt like it.

"What the hell?" Jane shook her head in annoyance as the screen flickered to life and a rather distasteful scene unfolded involving what looked like two asari maidens… doing… things with some… unrecognizable substance…

Darla, I'm going to kill you. No, like for real this time. This is just disgusting beyond words.

She reached up and switched the console off just as the title appeared: Two maidens, one chalice.

What in the hell is wrong with her? And she says that 'I' need to get laid? That is just so far beyond disgusting I can't even describe it. There should be a law against even filming something like that. Darla has too much free time on her hands. I'll have to see if Tali can… unhook… whatever it is Darla did to patch that in. How embarrassing… Gosh…

She swiveled around in the chair and looked at her bed. It was a welcoming sight, if an empty one. Jane closed her eyes and smiled, thinking about the few nights she had been lucky enough to wake up next to Liara. Those were the happiest mornings she could remember, and she wanted that feeling for the rest of her life.

I want every single day to be like that. It's so unfair that we have this distance getting forced between us all the time. I just want to… to go home and forget about all of this shit that's going on. Everyone else in the world gets to have a happy and peaceful life with a mate of their choosing, but not me. No, I have to save the fucking universe. No happiness for Jane Shepard, only work, work, work.

Jane laughed out loud at her self-pity, and stood up from the chair. She stretched to the ceiling, and nearly fell forward on her tip toes, smiling as her injured ankle actually locked down and stopped her from hitting the floor. Ironic. She laid down on the bed and put her hands behind her head. It was time for a little rest, and even though it felt empty without Liara beside her, she still felt the asari's presence on the ship. The medbay wasn't far from her quarters, and she could almost see the young woman sitting at her console, burying herself in visions from the past. It would have to be enough, for now. She had to focus on getting her thoughts under control, and then she could move forward with Liara.

So, how should I approach this? How do you tell someone you think you are going crazy?

She laid there and thought about it for a long time, just staring quietly at the ceiling. There was no sound other than the whirring of the engines as they idled, no doubt being serviced by Adams and the rest of the crew while they were docked. She heard no hint of activity, and there was no indication that anyone was walking around the hallways outside. All was still, as if the universe were waiting on her to make a move or some kind of decision. She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply; enjoying the clean air and thanking whatever gods might be listening for her friends, who came through and rescued her when she needed them the most.

They all came for me. They all banded together under Ash's leadership and made it happen. I guess I understand why fate chose us for this task. Surely there has never been a crew like this before. The talents that these individuals possess are remarkable, and even though we are almost all completely different, hailing from different worlds and different backgrounds, we are a family. I'm glad to count them among my friends. We're chasing the end of the world, and the end of the world is starting to let us catch up. There's no better bunch to be facing down fate with.

Jane rolled over and exhaled a large breath. Her thoughts were turning morbid again, and she couldn't afford to keep getting distracted. It was time to get some sleep, and tomorrow she would get the crew prepped for the next mission. She would talk to Ash, and then maybe have a short chat with Liara. She didn't want to get into the whole thing regarding her dreams right away, but it probably wouldn't be a good idea to delay or try to avoid the issue again. The last time she did that, the results were catastrophic. She had been so focused on keeping secrets from the young scientist that she stopped being aware of what was happening around them, and it nearly got her killed.

Liara deserved better than that, and it was time Jane started acting like the highly trained operative she was. It was her duty to protect Liara, and not just because of her personal interest in the matter. It was her responsibility to protect them all, and she couldn't do that unless she could sort through the fog that was currently clouding her judgment. But, that didn't mean she couldn't reach out a little bit and draw some comfort from the one she was in love with…

This is my job. I'm here to protect this crew, and to stop Saren from finding this conduit he wants. Tomorrow I will talk with Liara. We'll have dinner in here and I'll find some way to talk to her about all of this. I won't let her in my head just yet, but I have to tell her what's going on. She deserves to have all the facts so she can make a decision whether or not to… continue… with me.

The thought hurt her a little, but she knew in her heart it was the right thing to do. It was the only thing to do, and maybe, Liara would have some insight into the matter of these dreams. The worst that could happen was she would walk away and not want to deal with any of it, and to Jane, that just might be the worst thing that could happen… but if she did, at least Jane would know that she had been completely honest and had done everything the right way.

Commander Jane Shepard wrapped herself around her pillow, sighed one last time, and allowed the night to take her.

-Nightmares

So, she was here again. Interesting. It wasn't to end with her ascension of the silver stair.

The throne stood before her, but it was empty. The winged being she had seen before was nowhere to be found, and neither were the swords that welcomed her to this place. There was no sound, and it seemed that even the gentle silver tint that covered everything fell flat this night. It was the same place she had been before, but it wasn't the same as it was before. Something was changing; tarnishing the polished metals of which this miraculous place was constructed. Something was… causing the place to… age. Something was not right.

She turned around, but the stairway was gone. She was alone on the platform, except for the swirling glass souls that she stood upon. They offered her no insight, however, instead spinning over one another in an effort to escape their prison. Jane wondered what it was they had done to deserve such a fate, but understanding the mind of a god was an exercise in futility.

A god?

Yes, she supposed. There was no other explanation, really. Either she truly was going mad, or she had been touched by something that wasn't of this world…

Or maybe, it's more of this world than any of us realizes….

It was possible. Only a god would have access to souls, and only a god could bring her to this place and ask of her the things he did. She thought back as hard as she could to her days in Alliance training, grasping for any small tendril of knowledge that would help to explain what she was seeing and experiencing. She sifted through the vague memories and tried to sort through them in an intelligent way. There were all manner of tales, ranging from reasonable to ridiculous, but none of them quite sounded like what she was seeing now.

I don't know who he is. And now that I have done what he wanted, now that I have arrived, I don't know what to do. Maybe… Maybe I should seek someone out who knows about these things… Who do I know that could possibly understand?

She thought about it for a while, and suddenly nodded her head. There was one person who might have an idea who the mysterious god was. There was one person she had come across in her travels that wasn't afraid to give a name to the one she believed in. There was one person who might have valuable insight into the dreams and what was going on.

Doctor Warren. I wonder where she ended up. Did she stay on Eden Prime? I will have to contact Anderson and find out, if I ever return to my world.

That decided, Jane sat down in front of the throne and just stared at it. The chair was massive, and she thought she could almost see what it had been like when it was first constructed. How it must have shone! What a sight it must have been, to see the platinum winged creature sit upon it, and look down on the universe as its inhabitants slowly ascended to kneel before him. She could almost hear the wailing souls pleading their cases before the mighty Platinum god, all begging for mercy or forgiveness. She could almost see him waving a hand, moving most of them to a table behind him, but some of them into the glass floor. She could almost see it all, his might and majesty, his pain and turmoil, his fury and vengeance. She could almost see the dawn of time.

But now… now something was missing. The chair wasn't in as good repair as she had thought it was when last she was here. Slivers of silver were chipping off, and the metal was dulled and tarnished. Ages had passed, and its luster waned. The once brightly polished silver seemed to weep with regret, and it vibrated lightly with remembered reverberations of the song of the swords. She didn't know why, but… it made her sad.

Jane removed her shirt and tore it down the front and back, splitting it in two. It was perhaps a foolish gesture, and there was no way that she could restore the chair to the beauty and majesty it once was, but she could think of nothing else to do, here on this silent platform. She took one half of the shirt, lifted herself to her knees before the structure, and started to polish. She could feel the pain of all the ages beneath her hand, and she closed her eyes. She allowed it to channel through her, almost as if she were a conduit. Tears fell freely, and she made no move to wipe them from her cheek. Instead, she picked up the other half of her shirt and stood before the throne.

I have arrived, and I will restore you to your former glory.

It seemed to her almost as though the throne… acknowledged her. It almost seemed a little brighter… a little more… hopeful. It was hard to tell whether it was just an imagining in her fevered mind or if it was truly imbued with some sort of mysterious life force, so she just leaned forward and resumed polishing, carefully running both hands across the surface. Pieces of silver poked through the cloth and bit at her skin, but it was a minor nuisance and she had already shed much blood on the journey here. A little more wouldn't make much of a difference. Her tears fell and her hands bled, and the sweat on her brow salted the mixture lightly as she cleaned away the tarnish of the ages.

Hours, she spent, lovingly polishing every curve, every crevasse, and every abnormality in the silver surface. Hours, she cried, and bled on the platinum structure, without even fully understanding from whence the anguish came. Hours, she sang, and filled the silent air with her own version of the song of the swords.

Hours, she spent, preparing her destiny.

She couldn't hear him, and she couldn't see him, but somehow, she sensed that he was watching her, and he was pleased. After an age, she closed her eyes, stood up, and turned to face the universe. She lifted her bloodied rags to the heavens, presenting her gift, and it seemed to her that the scene shimmered before her vision; a ripple in the darkness, and then a mighty breath forced her back, pinning her to the seat. She struggled frantically to get loose, fearing his wrath should he see her trespass, but a silver hand descended upon her and stilled her movements. It had been his breath that had forced her into the seat, but she was not afforded time to contemplate its meaning. Not here.

A wave of silver ice shattered the crystalline universe, and carried Jane away into the darkness…

-Normandy, Commander Jane Shepard's quarters

It was morning, and for once, Commander Jane Shepard awoke refreshed. She was on the right track, and something about the dream the previous night had set her mind at ease. She wasn't going crazy; there was something else at work here. She didn't really understand the full significance of being set on his platinum throne, but she was sure that he was on her side and that was a comforting thought. Even if his power was waning, he was offering what assistance he could to her; letting her know that all of his resources and power were at her disposal.

She didn't think that Liara would believe it, as she remembered the young asari's comments regarding her own peoples' deity, Athame, but at least now Jane would be able to articulate what she thought was happening. At least now, she understood that there was a point to all of it, and she wasn't just getting toyed with by the powers that be for 'kicks'. Liara might think she was going mad, but Jane would have to deal with that eventuality when, if, it came. She could keep her secrets no longer.

Jane stood up and undressed, leaving her clothes in an unceremonious heap on the floor. She would worry about cleaning the living space up later. Right now, she had to get a quick shower and get ready to go talk to the gunnery chief. Then, she would get Liara and have a long talk with her about… everything.

She quickly washed up, and then put on her started to reach for the small table where she always kept her weapons, but remembered that her pistol was gone. Her assault and sniper rifle were alone on the table. Red's crew had taken her small firearm when they had captured her, and she hadn't found it among the weapons she had discovered in their armory.

Red probably kept it as a trophy or something. The pistol of Jane Shepard. He might actually get a fair bit of creds for it. Low life.

She drew her hand back and adjusted her shirt. She would get a new gun from Ash hopefully today. Jane exited her quarters and made her way down to the garages, thinking about what she was going to say to the gunnery chief. Now that she'd had some time to really reflect on the previous missions, it seemed foolish to replace an experienced soldier like Ash with an asari scientist. It was disrespectful, and if Jane had been thinking with her head instead of her heart, she would have never made that decision. She felt especially bad about it now, after seeing the way that the chief really stepped up to the plate to get the crew mobilized to take on Red.

Well, at least I got that report to Alliance Command. I do have your back, gunny, even if I've been mostly an ass lately.

Jane nodded curtly at the various officers as she strode through the command deck, smiling at an obviously hung over Pressly rubbing his temple. Satisfied that the navigator had things under control despite his discomfort, she continued down the hall to the lower deck, and boarded the elevator to the garage level.

I wonder if she remembered to get me a new pistol. I'm feeling kind of naked.

The elevator opened, allowing her to exit, and Jane smiled to herself as she approached the gunnery chief. Williams was at her usual station, polishing and cleaning weapons. The woman would never change. She was always in the same place, and she was always performing the same tasks. Jane inwardly thanked any gods that might be listening for putting Chief Williams on Eden Prime. The quality of their weapons and armor had increased tenfold since the chief had come aboard, and Jane was grateful for having one less thing to worry about.

"How is everything looking, Ash?" Jane nodded towards the boxes of thermal clips and various weapons surrounding the chief and tried not to grin too obviously at the sight.

"Well Commander, we are in better shape than we were a couple weeks ago, that's for sure. I got rid of the duds, and Garrus and I spent the entire day yesterday testing each and every clip. We have some new upgrades as well." She lifted a rifle and handed it to the commander. "New recoil damper and new heat sink. Really sharp stuff."

Jane accepted the weapon and sighted down the barrel, curling herself around the mid-sized machine of destruction. She could feel the change in the weight, and knew that the upgrades were well worth the creds. She handed the gun back and smiled. "Good job, Ash."

"That's not all." Ashley turned around and opened a locker. She removed a small pistol from a hidden compartment, and grinned mischievously at Jane. "I didn't forget your request, Commander. We got you a new pistol. Here, see how that one fits."

Jane raised an eyebrow, but accepted the gun. She considered its weight for a moment, and then turned it over to look at the bottom. Stamped on the base was the logo of Jormangund Technology, and she looked up at Ash in surprise. Immediately she reversed her hand and fell into a fighting stance, smiling in satisfaction at the feel of the weapon in her hand and the counterbalance it added to her form. It was slightly heavy for a pistol, but Jane Shepard was in excellent shape and if necessary, she could always draw on the platinum to help her along.

Hmm… I wonder if I really ought to be leaning on that so much. Could there be a price later on I will have to pay? After we sort out Virmire, we will have to make sure to go see Dr. Warren. I need to get her take on all of this.

There could very well be a price she would have to pay somewhere down the road, but she would have to cross that bridge when she came to it. For now, she needed all the help she could get, and a little extra oomph here and there to ease the burden of this magnificent weapon surely wouldn't inflate the cost dramatically. She really wanted to squeeze off a few rounds, but the Normandy garage was not the place to be firing a pistol. She would go ashore to the Allaince training area and play with her new weapon later.

"This is a great gun, Ash. Where did you guys get it?"

The gunnery chief shook her head. "You don't want to know, Commander. Let's just say that we all have gotten a little more familiar with the darker side of the universe over the last few weeks than we really should have. Enjoy the weapon, but don't ask too many questions about where it came from. Plausible deniability, and all that. You understand."

Jane attached the pistol to her armor and nodded. Ash was right, of course. A lot of the things they were doing were in the gray areas of Alliance law. But then again, she was a Spectre. If she wanted to carry a pistol that was only available through secret and… not so legal… channels, she was within her rights to. Still, she didn't want to make Ash uncomfortable with a lot of prying questions. As it was, the gunnery chief had done her job, and had even gone a little beyond what was required. She could find no fault with the woman and there was no reason to turn this into an interrogation.

"That's fine, Ash. We might have to break a few more eggs before this omelet is done. You did great. I actually came down here for a different reason, though."

"Oh?" Chief Williams leaned against the locker and crossed her arms, curious as to what the commander wanted.

Jane bit her lower lip and considered what to address first. After a few moments of internal debate, she settled on the least complicated issue. "How is Tali holding up?"

"Tali? Well, she hasn't come out of engineering all day, so I can't really say for sure. She's trying to drown herself in work. I think she misses your friend."

Jane nodded. That was what she had been afraid of. "Do you think we should keep her out of the field for a bit? Give her some time to... I guess get over it?"

Ashley narrowed her eyes. "Well, Commander, I suppose if you don't feel she can perform the job then yes, she should be left behind." Jane noticed the edge in the soldier's voice and mentally kicked herself for not foreseeing the direction this could take.

Well there's nothing for it now. I would have had to address this sooner or later. So much for dealing with the least complicated issue first, Jane. Good job. You managed to turn the least complicated question into the most complicated answer.

Jane took a deep breath. "Ash, that's not why I left you behind on those missions. I left you behind because I wasn't being a very good soldier, and let my emotions cloud my judgment. It's not easy for me to admit that to you, considering how far I outrank you, but I hope you realize by now that I have come to rely on you and your opinions. I don't think that your rank tells the whole story, and I can't imagine what this mission would be looking like today if I didn't have you to lean on."

Jane crossed her own arms and gave the gunnery chief her very best 'I'm completely sincere and don't want you to take that shit personally' face, and hoped that somehow the chief would understand.

Ash just leaned there against the locker, studying the commander. She wasn't really mad, and she actually secretly hoped that her superior officer's relationship with the asari worked out. It might have been a little vicarious living, but in her heart she believed in romance and if a small light could shine in the midst of all this madness, she would help it along any way she could. Yes, she was disappointed when Jane had left her behind, but that was mostly because she wanted to impress the commander and hoped that word would get back to Alliance Command, not because she really felt that the missions were doomed without her. The Alliance loved Jane Shepard, and Ash wanted to be remembered as a part of the Shepard team.

"It's fine, Commander. I don't really think that. I may have been a little miffed at the start, but I understand why you brought T'Soni with you and chose to replace me instead of Tali."

Jane inwardly breathed a sigh of relief, and then uncrossed her arms. "Well, I'm taking you with me to Virmire. It will be you, me and Liara, so I want you to make sure that she is outfitted with the best of this." Jane indicated the weaponry Ash was working on. "I know that she isn't proficient in a lot of these, but do what you can with her. If there are any new amps on the market, go ahead and get her one of those as well."

"That's a good idea, Commander. Something has changed in her over the last few weeks. Her biotics have gotten stronger, somehow. I'll make sure she has the hardware to match her newfound confidence. I don't understand what it is exactly, but I sure as hell wouldn't want to be on her bad side these days."

Jane chuckled and clasped the gunnery chief on the shoulder. "Me either, Ash. Me either. Go ahead and make sure that everyone is fully armed and ready. It will take a day or two to get to Virmire, so you have some time to get the crew outfitted. Pull out all the stops. Everyone gets top of the line guns. Do me a favor as well, and make sure that Garrus has the Mako ready to go groundside. I know he's been fiddling with that stupid AI, so I want to make sure that we aren't going to have a Geth situation because he just couldn't leave well enough alone."

Chief Williams nodded and suppressed a smile. "Yes ma'am. I'll make sure that everything is ready before we drop. You can count on me, Commander."

Jane nodded and stepped back, saluting her officer. "I know I can gunny. I'll see you tomorrow."

She turned on her heel and left the garage, heading for sickbay.

-Normandy, Garages

Chief Ashley Williams returned to her work, gathering up some of the thermal clips that she and Garrus had tested. All of them had tested good, but she felt that a few were somehow, less sturdy than others. It was probably just her imagination, but after the horror she experienced on the Pitony III when all of her weapons had failed, she was taking no chances with equipment that felt even the slightest bit wrong. She closed a box that she had been tossing her rejects into, and slapped a label on it that said 'returns'. Garrus would pick it up later and take it back to the weapons store they had purchased the clips from.

She picked up the rifle she had been showing off to the commander, and laid it on the table next to her, where some other rifles were queued to be cleaned. She had already serviced all the weapons at least twice, but there was nothing wrong with being thorough. If they failed in this mission, it wouldn't be because Ashley Williams had been derelict in her duties. She turned back around, and nearly jumped out of her skin as she came face to face with a grinning Lieutenant Alenko.

"Damn, where did you learn to sneak up on people like that, LT?"

Lieutenant Alenko grinned and leaned against the table. "It's a talent. I have many, believe it or not."

Ash narrowed her eyes and turned her head slightly, almost daring him to finish that thought. "Well, stealth is definitely one of them. How are you feeling, anyway? Poor Pressly can barely stand up. I still can't believe you two played a drinking game with a hanar. That was just stupid. You had to have known you'd be feeling that for a solid week."

Kaidan rubbed his temple and winced, remembering the night. He wasn't in as bad of shape as Pressly was, but the amount of alcohol he had consumed still had taken its toll. Even two days later, he and the navigator were under the weather. Hanar certainly had an advantage over humans in the drinking department. "Yea well, boys will be boys, you know. Thanks for bailing me out of that, by the way. Liara was right; Pressly is definitely… not interested in women. He was getting pretty handsy before you showed up."

Ashley rolled her eyes. She knew Kaidan was trying to get some sympathy out of her, but she ignored it and didn't comment. Pressly may have been drinking, but he was behaving like an officer, at least when Ash had strolled up to the table. Whatever the man's personal preference might have been, he didn't step over the line with the younger soldier.

"So, what are you doing down here, anyway?"

Kaidan straightened up and nodded to the chief. "Well, I just came down here to see if you needed any help with getting these sorted out." He gestured to the table where the rifles were. "I saw the boxes being brought aboard, and well, there's a lot of weaponry to go through. I thought you could use a hand."

Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams considered for a moment. She didn't believe for a second that Kaidan was actually down here because he didn't have enough work to do, but something about the gesture struck her as… sweet.

"All right, LT. All these rifles are ready to be serviced, and I still have a box of clips to sort through."

Kaidan smiled warmly at her, and pulled up an ammunitions case to sit on. He reached for the first of the rifles, and skillfully disassembled it as Ash pulled up her own ammunitions case next to him and started rummaging through the box of clips.

The Normandy crews' weaponry had never been serviced so many times in one night.