Chapter 46: Trust, or something nothing like it.

-Normandy, Sickbay storage rooms

Jane opened her eyes again and looked across the room at Liara. The young asari looked confused, but she was just leaning against the table quietly, waiting for whatever was to come. Jane tried to open her thoughts, but she couldn't feel anything in the void. Liara was unresponsive.

Jane was alone.

But then again, she was starting to get used to it.

I don't blame her, really. She's so sweet – there isn't a cruel or malicious bone in her body. I'm turning this into such a complicated mess, and I don't deserve her telepathic comfort. I need to just tell her what is going on and get this over with. The longer I delay, the harder it will be. I've delayed enough.

"I have these… nightmares I guess you would call them." She said the words slowly, watching Liara's face for her reaction. There was no change in her expression, so Jane continued.

"I don't know if I really should be sharing these burdens with you, I mean, we haven't really defined what this thing is…" The last words were hard to say and she choked slightly as she spoke them, but forced herself to recover. Now was not the time for weakness. "That's irrelevant. I think that you should know exactly what you are dealing with before this gets any more complicated than it already is. We've kind of gotten swept away into something without really taking the time to know one another, and there is a lot more to my past than a few heroic deeds on a datapad."

Liara gave the slightest of nods, and tried not to let the sharp pain that had flickered through her chest show on her face. She didn't have much experience with interpersonal relationships, but even she could tell where this conversation was ultimately going to go… where it would have to go.

Jane took a breath and continued. "I have these nightmares, but they feel like real places. It's been happening for years now, but only recently they have become insistent. I grew up on the streets of Earth, and most of my life was spent either starving or fighting for what little there was. I don't think that the horrors of what I saw, or what I did, in those young years ever really left me. Whenever I closed my eyes, I would see them again and again, and sometimes I was mercifully taken to a place where I could allow my rage to flow forth. It's hard to explain."

Jane shook her head a little, hoping to clear it, but it just seemed to make the fog worse. Liara's face was as impassive as the steel desk she leaned upon, though Jane told herself she expected nothing more from the young woman. What could she expect? Liara was barely an adult, and she had never been exposed to the sorts of things that Jane was. It was madness to even think she might understand. Still, this discussion was needed and she couldn't back out of it now. It was too late the moment she opened her mouth. Jane set her jaw and continued.

"These dreams feel like real tests, and I am not sure what to think of them. I've had these nightmares all of my life, but now they are something that I can't escape. They are becoming progressively more painful, and bloody, and each time I have one I feel myself coming a little closer to losing myself in them. Each time I go, I feel like I am inching toward losing my grip on reality. I'm afraid to close my eyes, because I don't know what I will see next. I don't know what I will do next…" Jane flinched visibly at the memory of being so out of control Liara had to restrain her with biotics. "I don't know what they are, and it's just making everything so much more complicated."

Liara nodded again, this time visibly. She pushed herself onto the table behind her and sat quietly, looking down on the despairing human. Jane looked older, somehow, and she looked weary. Her uniform, which was always so carefully pressed, was crumpled and seemed somehow dimmer. One of her boots was coming untied. Her belt was clasped at the wrong length and was hanging somewhat loosely about her. The powerful and steady commander who led the team into the Prothean ruins on Therum to rescue her just a few short months ago was aging before her eyes. Even Jane's hair, which was always combed neatly and tucked behind her ears, was a mess.

What is happening to her? How can I make this better? Can I make this better? I wish Benezia were here… She would know what to do. She always knew just what to do.

The thought sent an involuntary shudder of anger through her body. She bit her lip, trying to suppress the feeling, but it was too late. It was there, and she wondered if she would ever get over it. She didn't really blame Jane for what happened, not really… but every now and again when she thought about it… she got upset. It was something that was always going to be there at the back of her mind.

I wish I had not run off the way I did. I did not get nearly enough time with her before the end. It was foolish to think that she would live forever, and now look at everything. This is not what I was hoping for. None of this is. This should have been so very different. I should be happily digging up ruins on some uncharted planet and thinking about how to introduce Jane to my mother, not mourning her death at Jane's hands…

Liara took a breath and looked at the ceiling. This was not helping the situation, and she knew it. She was just letting her pain drive her thoughts, and right now it just wasn't about her.

I am not being fair. I should not blame her, and I should not be angry with her. This was not her fault, and she was just trying to protect me… to protect us all. And now, maybe I should protect her. This is not about me.

Liara forced a smile, and made a decision. She would give Jane what she needed, even if it broke her heart.

"Jane, I do not really understand what is going on with you, but I am glad that you came here to talk to me."

"I don't even know what I am talking about. It doesn't happen all the time, but when it does happen, it pulls me into a place that feels so real that I think if I failed a trial there, it would affect what happens here as well."

"What do you mean by trial, Jane?" Liara sensed something change in the human sitting before her. What was it? It was subtle, it was faint… but it was there.

Fear.

The commander took a breath and leaned back, crossing one leg over the other and trying to compose herself. "It's hard to explain. I hear music, and I see ancient weaponry, and sometimes there is a task for me to perform. Each one is more bizarre than the last. One time, I had to ingest water that was tainted with billions of glass shards that tore me open from the inside. Another time I had to dig my way out from a planet's core with nothing but a hand shovel." She watched Liara's face carefully for any reaction, but if the asari made the connection, she didn't let it show. Jane continued. "Another time, I was forced to kill some of my crewmates… I think that was the worst one." Jane bit her lower lip and waited.

This time Liara did react. "You had to kill… us? How many? Which ones?"

Do I really want to know?

Jane closed her eyes and nodded. "I know, it sounds psychotic, right? These are the dreams of a madwoman, not a starship commander with the fate of the universe in her hands. Liara, I just don't know what to do, and I feel like it's affecting every area of my life, especially my friendship with you."

Liara didn't know why, but the use of the word 'friendship' stung a little.

You should have expected that though. Neither of you have really made the move to define whatever this is, and every time you try to get closer, something comes between you. Besides, right now she needs so much more than you can possibly give her. She needs the kindness, wisdom, and comfort only someone much older and more experienced can give her. You need to let her go.

"There is so much you don't know about me, Liara. There is just so much…"

Jane closed her eyes and clenched her fists, reaching for something, anything, in the void that would help her through this.

"When I was fighting for those scraps, I would do anything, hurt anyone. They were dark days, and I was not the same as I am now. The dreams made it worse, I think. I'd go to sleep whenever I felt safe enough; hoping for some comfort, but there was no relief for me when I closed my eyes. Instead, it seemed that everything in the universe was out to get me. I'd enter a world that was determined to break me, and I'd awaken again even more exhausted than I was when I went to sleep. It feels like that now, but different. It feels like I'm coming to the end of whatever the point of it all was, and I'm afraid that it's turning me into a monster."

How can it not be? I have nightmares about murdering my friends. How can I be anything but a monster? How can I be anything else?

Jane rested her head in her hands, and let out a long breath. At this point she didn't even know what she was talking about, and all she wanted to do was run from the room and get some fresh air. The cabin was stifling, and Liara's silence was deafening. It was a lot for the young woman to handle, but some sort of acknowledgment would be better than the absolute nothing of the moment. Something, anything that indicated she wasn't completely overwhelmed by the discussion and was ready to support Jane... Anything at all…

Damn this all to hell. I should never have come. This is something I should have discussed with Darla, not with Liara. Why did I come here?

Jane lifted her head again, having regained control of her emotions somewhat. Liara still hadn't moved, but that was to be expected. The initial shock may have worn off, but it would be quite a while yet before things set in and the young scientist really understood what was going on… if she ever understood what was going on.

"Look, I don't expect you to understand any of this or even want you to respond. I just wanted to be clear from the start about who I am, because I don't think it's going to get any better and I can't face this alone. There are all these crazy, unexplainable things going on, and I think my dreams might have something to do with it all. Do you remember telling me those stories about Athame?"

Liara nodded slightly, but her expression didn't change.

"Well I have been thinking a lot about that, and about your mother, and Saren, and all of these bizarre things that have happened to the people we have been chasing. What if this is all part of the indoctrination process? What if part of the process is to weaken someone's mind to the point that they break, and then they can be controlled? What if all of these things are just leading up to me betraying everyone I love? Where else can these dreams be coming from?"

It was too much for her to handle. Her head fell forward into her hands again, and she tightened every muscle in her body trying to keep her emotions in check. Liara noticed, but then again, lately it seemed like she was noticing anything, but ignoring everything. She studied the miserable human sitting before her, and contemplated.

So, that is what this is all about then. She is afraid they are getting control of her too. And, maybe they are. How can I know? How could I have thought she had all the answers? Did I not see the turmoil and pain she is in? Was I so selfish, only thinking about my own problems and interests and how all of this affected me…? I guess I was. She's been crumbling and no one has done a thing to help her with it… not even me. But, what does she expect of me? How does she expect me to have the answers for her? By rights, I should not even be here. I should be on Thessia, seeing to my mother's estate and starting my training on the path to replace her. That is what I should be doing, not sitting in a storage room with this human...!

Liara closed her eyes and took a calming breath. Her thoughts were beginning to get away from her, and emotional responses always clouded judgment. The intellectual in her knew that all too well.

Stop thinking like that, Liara. You were never going to replace your mother anyway, and Jane has nothing at all to do with that. You have to let that go. Your grief cannot blind you.

Liara opened her eyes again and sat there, staring into nothingness for a long time. She had a million questions, but was too afraid to ask any of them. Every time she grasped one with the intention of voicing it, a pain shot through her chest and she swallowed it once more. After a time, when she felt that Jane would accept silence no longer, she pushed herself back down from her perch on the desk and slowly walked toward the human. Jane straightened at her approach and looked up, visibly relaxing and looking almost... hopeful. Liara raised a hand and pushed a lock of hair back behind Jane's ear, and felt a teardrop threaten to escape from her eye as the expression on Jane's face broke her heart. She was starting to feel older, too. The events were taking their toll on her, and everything about her world was different now. As much as she wanted to be a pillar of strength for the human, Jane was asking for help with something that she really wasn't qualified to help with. She wasn't a medical doctor, nor was she a psychiatrist. She was just a lonely archaeologist, whose life was turned upside down when her mother, and the universe, decided one day to go utterly mad.

No, I cannot help Jane... But there is someone who can, and I need to be strong enough and care about Jane enough to let her get the help and support she needs.

"Jane, I know this is hard for you, and I know that you carry many burdens. I am happy that you trusted me enough to share these things with me, but I do not know how to help you." She took a breath and continued, resolved on this course of action. "I think there is only one person in the world that can help you with this, Jane. I think that you need to see the consort. It was selfish of me to give you a hard time about it before, when you so clearly need her wisdom and guidance. I cannot give you the comfort you need, and I cannot help you sort through what might be happening to you. I do not even know where to begin, and I am sorry that I did not see your pain sooner."

Jane remained silent, and did her best to keep her face impassive. Liara drew her hand back and smiled sadly, her mind made up. She didn't have a choice, and though it would cause her more pain, she had to let Jane go. The things they were about to face were bigger than one asari's broken heart.

"Sha'ira is much better equipped to help you with all of your needs." Liara forced the last words out, and waited for Jane to protest, to argue, to tell her that she could never find comfort in the arms of another, to tell her she was insane for even suggesting such a thing. She waited for Jane's face to register shock just before standing to wrap around her, eagerly reassuring the frightened scientist that she was more than capable of helping sort through these troubles and they would get through all of it together. She waited for the soldier to get upset, to straighten to her full height and demand to know what would make her ever think that the consort could compete with her. She waited for Jane to close the distance between them, angrily kissing her with the force of a thousand lost souls and shearing her heart into pieces with the passion. She thought all of these things, and more, and as she continued to gaze down at the human before her, she felt a little guilty.

Despite her earlier internal dialogue, she had somehow managed to make this about herself anyway.

I guess I… really… cannot… help her with this…

Commander Jane Shepard ceased reaching out into the void and closed her thoughts back down, as Sha'ira had taught her. She put her hands on her knees and pushed her chair back as she stood up. She straightened her shirt, tried to settle her belt on her waist, and saluted the young asari. "Doctor T'Soni, I understand. I appreciate you taking the time to speak with me, and I hope I haven't kept you from your duties. I will take my leave and let you get back to them. I will see you when we pick up again at the next debriefing. Please make sure you stop by the armory so Chief Williams can inspect your gear and apply any upgrades." Jane lowered her hand, nodded once curtly, and strode out the airlock door, leaving the asari alone.

After a few moments, Liara sank into the now empty chair and stared at the closed airlock, willing Jane to change her mind and walk back through it. But, Jane didn't walk back through. She had slipped into "Commander" mode, and dismissed the asari with barely a flicker of emotion. She had completely shut down.

Liara was devastated… but unsurprised.

She closed her eyes and reached out to the void, hoping to find Jane there somewhere, to find some reassurance that all was not lost… but the voice she heard wasn't quite the one she was hoping for…

-Meddlings

-Oh dear, you haven't listened to a word I've said, have you? I shouldn't be surprised. She was the same way… and to some degree still is. Pain in my ass, the both of you.

Liara sighed, and shook her head. This was why she couldn't help Jane. She had her own insanity to deal with.

I am not in the mood…

-Neither was Jane Shepard, but she came here and talked to you anyway. Congratulations on completely missing the point. You take misunderstanding and miscommunication to new heights!

I am not interested in your opinion.

-Perhaps not, but you are going to get it anyway. I think what you did was monumentally stupid, and more than just you will suffer for it. This is not the path you are supposed to take.

It does not matter what path I am supposed to take. Jane needs more than I can possibly give her.

-How do you know that? Because Sha'ira has circled the galaxy more times than even I approve of? What you did is folly, and you know it. Breaking Jane Shepard's heart is not going to save the world from Saren and… Well we will get to that. For now you need only know that you are an idiot.

Liara rested her head in her hands and inwardly screamed. This was absolutely insane. Surely she was too young to be going mad? Surely all of this was just… the result of something bad she ate at her last meal. Surely there was nothing more to it than that? Or maybe… Jane's fears were correct and both of them were being indoctrinated…

Who are you? Why won't you just leave me alone?

-Hmm. Now that is an interesting question, but now is not the time. Actually, there is no more time. Remember that. Time, is your gift, but it is also your curse, both bestowed upon your race long ago. None could have foreseen the shape you would take, but now, the seed is planted, and it will either flourish or perish. It's still up to you which. Take the path you are meant to take. Be not afraid of it. Jane Shepard will not betray you. Take that path.

Doctor Liara T'Soni leaned back in the chair and stared at the ceiling. She wondered what Jane had seen in the swirls of steel when she had been in this very spot not so long ago. Did she see echoes of the past, or did she see the promise of a future? Did she see hope? Or did she see despair?

Well Liara, you will not know now, because you just sent her to Sha'ira's bed. Whoever that is, she is right about one thing. You are an idiot.

Liara closed her eyes, hugged herself with her arms, and tried not to cry.

-Normandy, Commander Jane Shepard's Quarters

Commander Jane Shepard entered her quarters and sank down onto her bed. She shed no tears, but inside she felt as though she was breaking. This hadn't gone the way she had hoped, and in truth, she had barely even gotten to explain what was going on to the asari before she was rejected.

It didn't take her long at all to decide it was too much. I should have just left well enough alone. Some burdens we are meant to bear alone. I guess I should have expected it. When things get complicated, people bail. Nobody wants to deal with someone that has as much baggage as I do.

Jane leaned back and put her hands behind her head, staring at the ceiling. She felt like she should be crying, but the tears just wouldn't come. It was almost as though her own body was mocking her, denying her even the small release and comfort a good cry would provide to her.

So now what? If Liara has turned her back on me, what do I do now? Go back to Sha'ira? Do I even want to do that?

Jane laid there for a long time thinking about it. Going back to Sha'ira might have appealed to her several months ago, before she met Liara, but now… Now she wasn't sure she wanted more contact with the consort than was absolutely necessary. Something about it didn't feel right, and she wasn't particularly keen on letting the elder asari dig any further into her mind…

But, what else can I do? I guess this is necessary. I need to know more about what is going on in my head, and if Liara won't look at it, I don't have many more options. I could probably go back to Shiala, but she has her hands full with Zhu's Hope. The asari councilor would be a really bad idea – she might revoke my Spectre status. I suppose there is Terriana, but who knows what she and Danger are up to right now. I'm not sure I really want to open that can of worms… I have enough problems as it is.

Jane argued with herself for what seemed like forever, but the conclusion was always the same. There was only one asari in the galaxy who could keep a secret, and who was available to assist. It had to be Sha'ira.

Jane rolled onto her side and wrapped around a pillow, closing her eyes. She was exhausted. Her conversation with Liara had been more strenuous than she had expected.

But what did I expect? Her to fall into my arms, tell me it's all ok and she doesn't think I'm a monster?

Unbidden, words from Sha'ira spoken not so very long ago echoed in the back of her mind…

"Liari was not a monster, and one of us should have told her that. Benezia should have told her that…"

"Damn it!" Jane punched the pillow, and then wrapped around it more securely.

Why am I always given choices that aren't really choices at all? Why am I supposed to be deal with all the pain, and the loss, and the stress, and no one else has to do a thing but question me and try to bully me into giving them the answers they want? Why isn't there someone to stand by me through this? Why did everyone leave me here to do this on my own? Damn it… what was I even thinking, getting involved with Liara? I should have known that when it counted, she wouldn't be strong enough to handle it.

…

…

…

No one is.

Jane let out a long sigh, and relaxed her grip on the pillow. Getting angry wasn't going to help the situation. Tonight she would try to get some sleep, and tomorrow she would go see Sha'ira. Then she would take Ash and Tali with her to Virmire, and try to forget that she ever even considered a relationship with a young asari scientist. Putting some distance in between herself and Liara was for the best. She told herself it was for the best. She iterated over and again in her mind all the reasons it was for the best.

…

…

…

But… despite her efforts, even as slumber overtook her, she could not erase from her mind the image of Liara's face telling her goodbye.

-Nightmares

"Her eyes were liquid fire. Her hair, a blaze that could not be extinguished. Her skin… Ah her skin… that was a white-hot flame that burned me alive whenever she was near. I remember it all too well; when all I want to do is forget. I was blinded by desire and my mind was clouded and flailing, praying for deliverance. It was all things I could have wanted, and it was the only thing that had ever left me empty. I should have known better than to let it happen once, and I should know better than to allow it to happen once again".

She sat on the Platinum Throne, looking out over the expanse of the universe, somehow at peace. It felt right, and felt as if she belonged here. She did not fear him catching her, or scolding her. It felt like he was welcoming her, and acknowledging her rule over his dominion. He was there… somewhere… with her, and he was pleased that she had finally ascended to her rightful place. She sat and gazed into nothingness, remembering things from days long since passed, and as she remembered, her mind articulated her thoughts with such a clarity that she wondered if it was actually coming from her at all.

The phrases came so easily, and her companion was willing to let her speak her peace.

"I poured my heart and her soul into that one life, that one hope for salvation. I was young, and foolish, and now that I sit here, unsure how to proceed, all of these memories return to haunt my broken mind. What do you think?" She turned her head slightly, though there was no indication of his physical presence. She felt, more than heard, his response; a question.

"Was it love?"

She thought about it for a moment before replying. "I do not know. How do you know when it is?"

He answered with another question. "Is it the same as what you feel now?"

"No… and yes… and both. I do not know. She is the same, and she is different, and both are lost to me so I cannot differentiate which was reality and which is just my liberal interpretation of reality."

"You are taking far too analytical a view." He was unimpressed with her introspective attitude, and feared what might happen should she make that method of addressing issues a habit.

"Am I?" She turned her head back toward the expanse of space and gazed once more upon the universe. "A side effect of sitting on your throne, I imagine. I don't feel like myself here. I am just a soldier, with no particularly special powers or extraordinarily insightful knowledge. Yet here I am, discussing love, and life, and the realities of our fantasies as if I were a scholar. This place changes me. I am not myself, when I am here."

He smiled to himself. "Ah ha, well, it suits you better than you imagine."

"Does it now? That's interesting."

He reclined silently on his invisible perch beside her, wondering what his friend would think about this visit in particular. His Chosen almost sounded… like her, and he wondered not for the last time if the soul passing through these trials was one of the originals allocated to her so many millennia ago, before the sundering. "It's not nearly as far-fetched as you imagine. The warrior traits are strong in you, but there is a softer side; a gentler side… a much, much, older side. Maybe one day you will come to know it. In any event, you are not the first, nor will you be the last, to mourn a lost love."

She sensed the change in him. She had hit a nerve. She found it interesting, that she knew him so well, and interesting that she didn't find it in the least bit strange. "I apologize for upsetting you. It was not my intention…"

Her companion's eyes glazed over as he seemed to roll back time in his mind to another place, another age. She glanced once again to her side and thought she saw a slightly ethereal form taking shape, but it was gone again so quickly she questioned whether it was just her mind playing tricks on her. After all, her mind barely felt like her own these days. She turned back to the empty void, as if somewhere in its depths she could find answers.

"What am I to do?"

He smiled to himself, and stretched his wings behind him, enjoying the last few moments he had with his progeny. "I wish I could tell you. I wish many things that are not to be. Authority is not given to me to reveal all of the secrets of this world, though I suppose if it were given to anyone, it would be me. You must forge the way along this path on your own, and learn what you must do that way as well. We learned long ago that too much knowledge can be dangerous, and it is important to allow our children to ascend in their own time. Fear not, child. You will find your way, and she will be there beside you."

She gritted her teeth, but other than that made no move. His words rang hollow and she was getting a little irritated with hearing the same non-answers over and again.

"She will not."

He looked at her sharply, but didn't comment. He wasn't sure what she meant, but he would speak to his friend later about that. For now, he had lingered too long and there were other matters to attend to. He had to let his progeny go.

"That remains to be seen. Do not lose faith. Faith… is all any of us has now, child."

-Normandy, Commander Jane Shepard's Quarters

Jane opened her eyes slowly and gazed at the ceiling. She was grateful that no murderous thoughts had come, but she wasn't sure whether what had been in its place was much better. It left more unanswered questions, and she was getting a little weary of reliving old memories.

Or was that an old memory? Was that his memory? Was that some memory from some other age? I've never been in love… before Liara.

Jane pushed herself into a sitting position and scanned the room, almost hopeful. A few glances toward the shadows revealed nothing, however. She was alone in the darkness.

What did you expect? Did you expect her to sneak into your quarters, and crawl into bed with you? Jane, you are really losing your grip on reality. The reality is that she doesn't want to be burdened with your issues beyond stopping Saren, and you need to accept that. She's probably only staying to avenge her mother anyway, and once that is done, you'll never see her again.

She rubbed the sleep out of her eyes and pushed herself out of the bed. She kicked her trunk a couple times for good measure, and then headed to the bathroom to wash up. She had to pull herself together before going to the citadel. She leaned forward over the sink and looked at her reflection in the mirror.

You're getting old, Jane. Look at your face. What happened to you?

…

…

…

I don't know.

But I have to find out.