Chapter 47: Comforts, wherever they are found

-Halls of Platinum, Courtyard

"Athame, you know I don't normally meddle in your affairs but…"

The two most powerful gods of the pantheon stood in the courtyard, one leaning forward onto his well-muscled forearms, gazing out across the levels below, and the other leaning lazily against the wall with her back to the universe.

"I know. Palladium, I know. I told you she was too young. It wasn't supposed to be her, not her… not her. But what can be done?"

He lowered his head slightly and let out a rumbling sigh. She was right, of course. They had long ago agreed not to force their will upon their creations, but right now he really felt like rewriting a few directives.

"Is there anyone else? Anyone at all who can stand by her when the end comes? Anyone at all she can confide in?"

Athame pushed away from the wall and crossed all six of her arms, turning away from him. She thought for a moment, and then shook her head. "You know there is only one other left alive, but it doesn't matter anyway. Our original plan didn't work out, and we don't have time to waste trying to force it. There is no other among my souls, and we agreed never again to turn to necromancy millennia ago. Well, what of your kind? Have you no other souls that can bond to her? Is there no one else close enough in the trials?"

"Athame, we've been through that. It has to be one of each, or we will not be able to maintain our control."

She turned around again and shook her head at him. "We can't be concerned with that now. You are looking too far ahead. If this fails, it won't matter who controls the pantheon. We will be back to where we started and the others will very likely band together and mutiny. Keelah in particular has been restless of late, and I expect that should we fail, she will be the one to rally the others. Remember what happened last time? I'm still finding flesh-machina parts in my halls and it's been five million years. We can't afford to let that happen again just because we decided to share power and then refused to make the correct choices when the need arose. Keelah in particular is the reason we have to exhaust every possible option to keep the machine-gods from succeeding again. I don't care if it puts your humans above my asari in the short term."

He lifted himself slightly and gripped the edge of the wall, slowly swinging himself back and forth. "Why did we decide on pairs at all to begin with? We should never have split our souls the way we did. If the others knew…"

"The others don't know, and what they don't know can't hurt them. Besides, it was a harmless little game until the machine-gods decided to make their entrance a little earlier than anticipated. None of us could have foreseen them finding a willing assistant so soon, and I never imagined it would be one of Valluvian's leading the charge…" She paused, contemplating. "Maybe it's not so unimaginable. I had always wondered whether he was smitten with Keelah…"

Palladium glanced at her sharply, fear in his eyes. "You don't think they are actually considering helping the machine-gods?"

Athame shrugged and shook her head. "I don't know. You know how much Keelah likes machina. I thought for sure she was going to splinter from us five million years back when she started all those horrible experiments. But, she didn't, and I consider us lucky. She's always been fascinated by the machine-gods. If Valluvian has some personal interest in her, I wouldn't put it past him to try to broker a deal with them to spare their children when the end comes."

"Don't forget your daughter's part in this, Athame…"

"I haven't," she snapped back at him. More softly, "I haven't, but you can bet I am not brokering any 'deals' with these monsters. Valluvian is a fool to trust them." She waved a hand dismissively. "Besides, I rather like the way civilization has formed this time around, and there's no guarantee things will progress in quite the same way again. You have to admit, we managed to put together quite the pairing potential this age, my old friend."

He merely nodded. It might not have been ideal due to his own design choices, but that was nothing that couldn't be rectified given another few million years of evolution… of course… they had to ensure there would be another few million years of evolution first.

"So back to my original question, Palladium. Is there no one else?"

He closed his eyes and shook his head. "You already know the answer to that. The same reason your first choice failed is the reason any of my choices would too. She is already soulbound, and there is nothing, short of breaking every founding law you and I ever wrote, that we can do about it."

Athame turned toward the vast expanse and gazed into the twilight. She always appreciated coming here. It was high above everything in the known universe and from this perch; they could look upon life and civilization and watch it grow. She linked one of her arms through his and laid her head on his shoulder. "I will have to find a way to accelerate her maturity then."

"My Chosen seems to think it is over. You might be too late."

"Yes well, if there is one thing you and I have learned over the long millennia together, it is that over doesn't always mean finished."

He nodded, and almost smiled. Athame was up to something, and that always meant things were about to get very interesting.

-Citadel, Corridors leading to the Consort's Chambers

Commander Jane Shepard walked slowly through the corridors on the Citadel, wondering what on earth had gone wrong. Less than twenty-four hours ago she had been pouring her heart and soul out to the woman she loved… and now she was on her way to once again see Sha'ira, the asari consort.

I wonder if anyone would notice me just circling the building. I don't even want to go in there.

Jane had no particular interest in seeing the consort at the moment, or at any further moments in her lifetime. The only reason she had met with the woman in the first place was to help shield Liara from pain, and now that Jane had what she thought were enough tools and enough knowledge to do that, her time with Sha'ira was at an end. Or at least… it should have been.

But it wasn't at an end. Liara abandoned her, and instead suggested that she find comfort in another's arms. It was a nice way of saying she was no longer interested, and while Jane had never had a serious relationship before, she had seen enough romance vids to know exactly what the young asari meant. It was going to be too rough a ride to be with Jane, and she was bailing out early.

I should have expected it. In fact, I think I did expect it, and maybe that's why it hurts so much. There was no way that she was going to accept everything I had to say, and then fall into my arms and assure me it would all be ok, that we would face it together. This was doomed the second I walked up to that airlock, and now my worst fears have been realized. She doesn't care about me, at all.

Jane looked at the sky overhead and exhaled. The Citadel really was a breathtaking sight. She could almost forget that it was actually a massive space station. It looked so much like some of the recreational parks back on earth. She wished Liara were here with her to enjoy what little time there was left before they headed out to Virmire, but the asari had made it plain that the relationship was pretty much over.

Jane was on her own.

She circled the building twice more before stopping in front of the reception area. She stood there for a long time, reaching out into the void, looking for any sign of her chosen mate. She hoped beyond hope that Liara would feel her there and rescue her from this nightmare… but either there was too much distance, Jane's mind wasn't strong enough while under this level of stress, or more likely, Liara simply wasn't there.

She's probably sitting at her terminal, looking up some schematics on ruins or something. She isn't thinking about me. She'll study a bit, take some notes, maybe work on an outline for one of her research papers, and then lie down to sleep. She doesn't know where I am, and she doesn't care.

Jane closed her eyes and shook her head sadly. She wanted to cry. She wanted to scream. She wanted to rip her rank insignia off her uniform and toss it out the nearest airlock. She wanted to toss herself out the nearest airlock… But instead, she walked up to the receptionist ready to give her name.

Nelyna smiled at the commander, but held up a hand before she could say a word. She pressed a few buttons on her console, cocked her head to the side and nodded to no one in particular as she received a response, and waved the Jane through.

"Please, the consort would be delighted to see you now."

Jane nodded curtly and strode through the common area. Hmm. I wonder what that was all about. Is there a special signal for me now? I shouldn't have spent so much time here...

She walked up the stairway and entered the consort's chambers, barely aware of her surroundings. Sha'ira was lounging lazily on a plush couch facing the door, and the asari gestured to the empty place beside her as she lifted a glass of Thessian wine.

"Commander Shepard. It's a pleasure to see you again."

"It's good to see you too, Sha'ira," Jane replied as she sat down, as far away as she deemed courteous.

Sha'ira studied the human woman's face as she sipped her wine, and then leaned forward to pour Jane a glass. "Here. This is the finest wine that can be found anywhere in the galaxy, and something tells me you could certainly use a drink."

Jane accepted the glass and leaned back, relaxing somewhat. She felt her anxiety dissipating despite her earlier reservations about coming to see the consort again. This was just a talk, after all, and Sha'ira was right; Jane did need a drink and a break from reality for a while.

This is probably part of what makes her so good at what she does. She has this way of making you feel at ease, even when the entire universe has gone mad. And, this actually is very good wine…

Jane absently traced a finger around the rim of the glass, and stared off through a window. Now that she was here, she wasn't even sure what she was supposed to say. She wasn't even sure why she had come, except maybe for some sort of twisted revenge against Liara for suggesting it.

That's ridiculous though. You are taking revenge on her by doing something she told you to do? No wonder this never got off the ground. You should have just called Darla. She would have known how to handle it. Instead, here you are, drinking expensive alcohol with the most desired woman in the galaxy… and you can't even enjoy it.

Sha'ira just quietly sipped her wine, studying the commander's face. Shepard would start talking eventually, and the consort was in no rush. In fact, she was pleased at the unexpected visit and had immediately instructed her receptionist to clear the rest of her appointments as soon as it was apparent the human soldier was coming inside. She had met many different individuals of all different species in the hundreds of years she had lived, but none were quite as intriguing as the dark-eyed human female sitting across from her tonight.

Jane didn't even notice the consort's attention. She was too busy with her own internal discussion.

Do I want to share these things with Sha'ira? Gosh, does she already know? She's already been in my mind, and there's no way for me to really know whether or not she was poking around at my old memories. She might know all about the dreams, and I wouldn't be telling her anything revolutionary.
I wonder if she would be that insensitive… I wonder what she looked at…

"I'm worried I'm being indoctrinated."

If Sha'ira was surprised, she didn't show it. Instead, she reached for the bottle, topped off her glass and then leaned back again, crossing one leg over the other and smiling at the human. "Now, why is it you think that?"

The truth was, Jane didn't know. It had just come out.

I don't have a clue, Sha'ira! How am I supposed to know anything, everything? How did all of this get dumped on me? All I wanted was to serve the Alliance and help make humanity's mark on the universe. All I wanted was to make a difference, and then retire somewhere quiet where I could live the rest of my days peacefully. Instead, everyone is poking around in my head. Ancient obelisks, otherworldly spirits, asari empaths, mysterious indoctrinating invisible monsters... Where does it end? When did it begin? Why did it happen to me...?

Jane spent a long time in silence, just contemplating, but Sha'ira made no move to press her. There were no other matters she needed to attend to at the moment. This could receive her full attention, and it probably would need it. She didn't think that the commander was being indoctrinated, but there was something weighing heavily on the woman's mind, and that would mean disaster if left to fester. Just because she wasn't in danger of mind control now, didn't mean later on she would continue to be immune to the influence of whatever was controlling Saren and had killed Benezia. The human was strong, but not that strong, and she would need help. She would need all the help she could get, and Sha'ira had already failed once to protect someone with the power to change the future from the mad whisperings of beyond. She couldn't afford to fail again. Not again. She would do better this time, for Benezia, and Liari's daughter.

"It's hard to explain, Sha'ira." It seemed an eternity before Jane spoke again, and after she said the words, she sat there in silence once more, slowly draining her glass of the blood red liquid fire that warmed her insides and relaxed her muscles. It truly was hard to explain, and Jane wasn't sure she would be able to articulate what she was feeling.

Sha'ira took Jane's glass and refilled it, moving closer as she handed it back.

"Commander, you would be surprised how insightful I can be on many matters. Perhaps you should start with why you came here to talk with me instead of someone closer to you. Benezia's daughter, perhaps? Have you been practicing the techniques I showed you? Surely you should be able to hide the memories of Liari from her by now…"

Jane's eyes flashed, and Sha'ira knew she had made a mistake. The commander was good at hiding her emotions, but the tiniest trace of pain distorted her features for half a second and it was just enough to give the asari an idea as to what was really going on. This was more than just the commander worrying her mind was being controlled. Something happened between her and Liara that prompted this visit.

Oh dear, Benezia. What am I supposed to do with this, now?

"Liara is busy. I didn't come here to talk about her." Jane drained her glass swiftly, and the consort refilled it once more before pressing a few buttons on a nearby console. A young asari maiden who couldn't have been more than eighty brought in a fresh bottle and removed the empty one.

Sha'ira decided to try another approach. "I understand. Tell me about why you feel you might be getting indoctrinated."

Jane, grateful that the consort had the grace to leave the Liara situation at rest, leaned back and looked at the ceiling. "I don't know. It's hard to explain. I have visions, and nightmares, and thoughts, and well… I mean you saw some of them. I'm afraid to touch anything because I don't know what it's going to transfer into me. It's getting worse, Sha'ira. Every day it gets a little bit worse, and there is no one in the world that I can talk to about it."

"There is one person you can talk to, Shepard. My door is always open to you."

Jane smiled sadly, and drained her glass once more. The wine was starting to affect her, but she didn't really care. Sha'ira was understanding, and kind, and right now Commander Jane Shepard could use a little comfort. She held out her glass to be refilled, and her asari companion smiled mischievously as she poured the liquid.

"I appreciate that, Sha'ira. I didn't want to come here, but I guess… Now I'm glad I did. I still don't know what to do though. How will I know if I am being indoctrinated?"

"It's impossible to tell, really. None of us saw it coming with Benezia until she had already run off to follow Saren." Sha'ira replaced the bottle on the table and shook her head. "For the record, I don't think you are being influenced, Commander. I think you are just under an enormous amount of pressure."

Jane leaned back again and rested her forearm across her eyes. "Yea, maybe. Whatever it is, I wish it would all just… get out of my head, you know?"

The asari nodded, thought Jane couldn't see it. "What is it you fear the most, Commander?"

She thought about it for several moments before gripping her glass with both hands and leaning forward. She drained it a fourth time and placed it on the table in front of them. "I can show you better than I can tell you, Sha'ira."

The consort nodded and put her own glass on the table as well. "Come closer, Commander. Embrace Eternity..."

-Monsters

The day is dark, and the night falls swiftly across this broken land. I walk a tightrope between slumber and the waking nightmares that plague my mind. Do you see it, Sha'ira? Do you see the desolation, the desperation, the desecration I leave in my wake? Do you see the death, and the despair, and the divinity and sanctity of what I do, of what I have become? The bodies are all there, mocking me, pleading with me, indifferent to me. I am alone, and…

I am a monster.

When I awaken in the morning I am thus, and when I bed down at night I am the same. My monstrous thoughts consume me, and there is no relief in sight. I see images, hideous images, and it is almost as if they are real. They permeate my psyche, and they consume my waking hours. When I sleep, I have no dreams, unless they are dreams of violence and carnage such that no human should ever witness. There is a lingering haunt in the farthest corners of my mind, and I know not how to draw it out. I know not from whence it came.

Get over it, they say.

They say that, and more, and nothing at all, and I am supposed to interpret from this, how to exist? How to thrive? How to end the madness that threatens to overtake everything I have ever held dear? From this, I am supposed to glean the wisdom of ages? It is trivial. It is trite. And all of it is a lie.

The illusion is not mine. It was never mine, and it was never in my mind. It was always hers, or it was his, or it was theirs, and the two of them together created this monster that has inherited the worst of both.

…

…

…

I don't even know what any of that means. It's not even me, and I don't know where it came from. It's like the words come from somewhere else, and they are forced on me, just like the visions. They come from somewhere else, and they are forced on me. Everything is forced on me, and I have never been given the choice of what to do, of where to go.

Do you see what I am seeing, Sha'ira? Do you see the broken bodies, as they piled up before me? Do you see the ones I sent to their doom; do you see their pleading eyes? Do you see the broken land, the blood and the silver, slicing my skin and holding me back? Can you understand what I am going through, every day, and why I want to just give up? Do you… even care?

- Citadel, Consort's Chambers

Abruptly Jane threw the asari out of the meld. She was angry, and hurt, and she didn't understand any of what was going on. Sha'ira just gracefully opened her eyes, and nodded at the commander.

"I do understand, Commander. I have seen such things before, and I can assure you, it isn't indoctrination."

"Then what in the hell is it?" Jane was getting desperate. She grabbed the bottle of Thessian wine and poured another glass herself, then downed it in one gulp. She sat there leaning forward, gripping the goblet tightly as if it could stabilize her swiftly deteriorating mind.

Sha'ira slid closer to the commander and took the glass out of her hands. She placed it on the table, and then secured the human's shaking arms with her own. "Commander, you are not a monster. You are burdened with making decisions that would cause a lesser woman to go mad, and you do it all with the grace and dignity of a goddess. You are not a monster, and you need to know that."

Jane closed her eyes and shook her head. "Then why was I left to face this alone? Why… was I abandoned?"

The consort reached up and tucked a stray lock of hair back behind the commander's ear. "You aren't alone, Shepard. You have friends in places you didn't even imagine existed, and everyone is behind you. My door is always open, and you know that. I see your suffering and if I can help with just a tiny bit of that, then I will have made up for my failure to act so many years ago. I will not make the same mistake twice…"

Jane opened her eyes again and looked sharply at the consort. Sha'ira's eyes had glazed over, and she seemed to be remembering a time long ago, when she had tried, and failed, to avert a similar disaster. "Sha'ira, I didn't mean to…"

The asari shook her head and returned to the present. "No, Commander this isn't about me. I have made my peace with the things I have done in my life, and none of us can afford to dwell on the past. All we have is the future, and we won't even have that, if you break under the pressure." Sha'ira's voice softened, almost seductively, and she leaned closer to the human. "Shepard, allow me to comfort you. I want to show you something."

Jane's heart screamed for her to stand up and leave the room, to get as far away from this place as possible before she did something she would regret… but her mind overpowered it this time with reason. She needed comfort, and the consort was the only one who understood, and quite possibly, the only one who cared. She nodded the briefest of nods, and Sha'ira smiled. Jane closed her eyes and heard the almost audible click as the asari's eyes turned to obsidian, and once again her thoughts were no longer private.

-Comfort

Jane opened her eyes and saw herself standing in what looked like a garden on Earth, but it was unlike any garden she had ever seen. The foliage was not quite right, and there were strange animals she didn't recognize. It was peaceful, and serene, and completely alien to her. Sha'ira was here, smiling and lazily looking around.

"What is this place?"

"This was once my home on Thessia. Do you not recognize it from the memories of Benezia and my sister?"

Jane looked around again, and nodded. It did look familiar.

"It's so peaceful here."

"Yes, that is why I wanted to bring you. I can't leave the citadel and join you in the fight, though I may want to, but I can offer you peace and comfort whenever you visit here. It is the least I can do, for you, for Benezia, and most of all, for Liari, who suffered the most of all of us."

Pain flickered across Jane's face as Sha'ira mentioned Liara's father, though she tried not to let it show.

"It is all right, Commander. You love her, and you do not have to explain to me what it feels like to watch someone you love walk away, for any reason. I have lived a long time, and I loved someone once too, but she was not meant to be mine, and my calling was different as well. We don't always get the happy ending we desire, Shepard. And knowing that, we have to take comfort in the brief moments we can steal from the universe as they appear…"

Sha'ira took Jane's hands in hers and smiled. Jane nodded, and closed her eyes as she breathed in the cool morning air. This place felt real, and it was hard to believe she was just within another woman's memory.

"Yes, I understand, Sha'ira. I appreciate all you have done for me, and I feel badly that I never properly thanked you for it. I'm not even sure how I could thank you for all you have done."

"You will thank me by saving the universe. Some of us understand what is coming, even if the powers that be wish to wear blinders. I know what you face." Sha'ira brushed her hand across Jane's cheek and rested her arm on the taller human's shoulder. "I know what you face, and I know you have the strength to win, no matter what the odds. You have to win, Shepard."

Jane nodded and looked down at the asari who was very nearly in her arms. "I will win, Sha'ira. I will beat him, and stop whatever he is planning."

Sha'ira moved closer and smiled. "I know you will, Commander. But now, is not the time for planning battle…"

Jane nodded, and pulled the asari into her arms. The woman felt good; soft and warm, and eager. Sha'ira offered no resistance as Jane closed the distance, and the last thought the commander had before losing herself in flame was of Palladium, nodding to her from somewhere far beyond and waving a hand above them. She got the feeling he was shrouding her from something… but she didn't know what. That didn't matter now, anyway. All that mattered was the woman in her arms, and the night ahead of her.

- Citadel, Consort's Chambers

Jane awakened sometime later, lying beside Sha'ira, who was still slumbering. She looked down at the asari in her arms, and shook her head sadly.

What have you done? For the love of soup, Jane, what have you done?

Commander Jane Shepard closed her eyes, and clenched a fist. This wasn't how she wanted the night to go, and this wasn't the woman who should have been in her arms. All of it was completely wrong.

What am I supposed to do now?

Jane shifted her weight slightly, adjusting Sha'ira's position to not be so… invasive of her personal space. The asari didn't stir, and she was grateful for that. After putting what she felt was a safe enough distance between them, she laid there staring at the ceiling. It was still several hours before dawn, and Jane took the opportunity to pray… not for the last time… for the night to be over.

…

…

…

The next morning, Sha'ira simply nodded to her and helped her dress. She did not ask any questions, nor did she indicate she expected the commander to stay. Instead, she brushed her hand across Jane's cheek, and whispered that her door was always open. Jane smiled back and pulled the asari into an embrace, and then turned and walked away.

…

Commander Jane Shepard never returned to the Consort's chambers.