Chapter 49 – No Regrets?

Citadel Docking Bay, Normandy Decontamination chamber

Commander Jane Shepard stood in the decontamination chamber, as she had so many times before, just staring at the doors between her and her duty. The beam was agonizingly slow, and she closed her eyes as it washed over her, imagining that all of her transgressions could be cleansed along with the microorganisms she had most assuredly picked up while ashore on the citadel.

So, now what? What do I do with all of this now?

She didn't know. When she had gone to the Consort's chambers the previous day she'd had little on her mind other than some sort of revenge on Liara for abandoning her, but now that her anger had washed away in a pool of Thessian wine circling the endless porcelain drain of desire, she wasn't so sure if that was the reason at all.

Maybe she was right in the end anyway. I needed someone to tell me that I am still ok and I wasn't losing my mind, and if it had to be Sha'ira, well... At least it was someone who can be trusted.

Jane bit her lower lip and closed her eyes. There was nothing she could do about it now. She had made her decision and accepted the offered comfort. There would be no point in feeling guilty over it now, and anyway, hadn't Liara told her to do it? Hadn't Liara adamantly refused to offer the same comfort? Not that Jane would have pushed for sex, specifically, although it would have been nice... But she could have done with even just a hug. Maybe a smile. Just a nod. Hell, at this point she probably would have even accepted a high-five from the asari. But, instead of that, the only woman she had ever loved had sent her into the arms of another.

And you fell into those arms - it's not just her fault, Jane. You drank half a bottle of Thessian wine and laid with her. You are just as much to blame.

"Maybe I am," she whispered to herself. "Maybe I am. But there is nothing I can do about it now."

She ran her fingers through her hair a couple times and adjusted her uniform shirt, then stepped through the doors smartly as the syrupy computerized voice announced her arrival back on the ship. She walked with purpose, and took her place at the galaxy map, charting a course for Virmire and sending the authorization code to Joker. When she was finished, she nodded to Pressly and turned on her heel, heading for the lower deck where Ashley Williams was. She could afford no further distractions or delays, and she was going to put it away now. There was a change in plans, and she needed to talk to her unofficial second in command.

Normandy, Cargo bay

"Ugh, hi Commander."

Jane barely suppressed a smile at the Gunnery Chief, who was on the ground leaning against her locker, holding her head in one hand and a thermal clip in the other. The commander crossed her arms and leaned against the wall, raising her eyebrows and waiting for an explanation.

This should be interesting.

Ashley tried to get to her feet, failed, and tried again. She grabbed onto the locker for support and very nearly clawed her way up the wall so she was eye to eye with the commander. Slowly, she looked up at the slightly taller woman and immediately regretted letting more light into her eyes. She closed them again, visibly winced, and Jane had to exercise considerable restraint not to burst into unbecoming giggles at the sight.

"Rough night, Ash?" Jane wasn't angry, after all, she'd had quite an indulgent night herself. It was just that now that she thought of it, she hadn't seen the Gunnery Chief hung over before... And it was decidedly amusing.

"Oi, you could say that, Commander. What did you need?" Ash was finally somewhat stable, somewhere between saluting and massaging her temple as she steadied herself against the wall.

"I'm changing the away team for Virmire. You're still going, but I think we will bring Tali after all. She's going to have to get back into the swing of things soon, and we might need her hacking expertise down there on the surface. The Salarians might be scrawny, but they are brilliant and if we lost contact with them, you can bet there's some superior technology at work."

Ash nodded, but got the feeling there was more to it than the commander was letting on. "Right. I'll talk to Tali in a little while and make sure she doesn't need anything. I'll also let T'Soni know about the change in roster."

"Good." Jane nodded curtly and stood at attention. "We will drop at 0600 tomorrow, so make sure that you both are well rested and... recovered."

"Aye, ma'am. We'll be ready." Ash closed her eyes again and swayed slightly on her feet. She seemed to be considering something, but Jane didn't really want to stick around to find out what it was. She turned on her heel and would have started for the door, but a hand on her arm stopped her.

Hung over my ass. You can barely stand but you're fast enough to grab my arm like that?

Jane didn't turn around.

"What happened with you and T'Soni?"

Quietly she said, "Ash, I don't want to talk about it."

"Ma'am, you aren't going to have a choice. Her powers are getting stronger and she's not doing a very good job of hiding her emotions." Ash thought about the destroyed cargo bay, but decided to keep the details to herself. She had a feeling the commander wasn't going to ask her to elaborate anyway. "She's been walking around in a daze, and her skin's been nearly black with biotics."

Jane didn't turn around, but she didn't respond, either.

"Commander, you need to talk to her. I don't know what happened, and I'm not going to pry, but whatever is between the two of you needs to get resolved and fast. If you need anything, anything at all, I'm here."

"Yea, thanks Ash."

Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams fell back and smiled sadly as the commander disappeared into the elevator, heading back to the upper decks. Jane Shepard wasn't going to open up to Ash, of that she was sure, but at least... At least she had tried.

Normandy, Final Debriefing, Comm room

It was 0523 hours and Commander Jane Shepard looked around at the crew in the comm room. Garrus and Wrex sat together at attention, Kaidan and Ashley also sat together but were more relaxed, and Tali sat near Liara, stealing glances every now and again between the asari and the human leader when neither was looking. Jane's voice felt like it was coming from somewhere else, someONE else, as she boomed out instructions and mission orders to everyone. She, Tali and Ash were going to the surface, Wrex and Kaidan were to monitor the situation from the lower deck and be ready to join them on the surface if needed, and Liara was to stay in the comm room in case there were any diplomatic calls coming through or any communications that might offer any additional insight. Jane was secretly grateful for the Chief's tact in informing Liara she was being left behind. Garrus would stay at his normal post, monitoring the Mako's systems from his console, and it was back to business as usual.

Well, almost.

Jane pushed the ache that gripped her heart every time she looked at Liara down someplace it couldn't surface and affect her. Business as usual. That's all she could afford right now. Business as usual.

I wonder what she is thinking. Does she know what I did last night? If she does know, does she hate me? Is she disgusted? Disappointed? Delighted that I will no longer be bothering her?

She bit the inside of her cheek and crossed her arms, nodding to each of her crewmembers as they exited the room, headed to their battle stations. She kept her gaze solidly on the console across the room when Liara walked by, though she felt the young asari's eyes burn into her almost as surely as if she had taken a branding iron to her skin. When only Ashley remained, obviously lingering, she sank into a chair and put her head in her hands.

"So, you want to talk about it now?"

"No."

Ashley stood and crossed her arms. "Shepard, you aren't doing any better of a job at hiding your emotions than T'Soni is."

"Ash, I'm handling it."

Ashley decided to change the subject. "Tali is ready. She got some new technology programmed into her Omni-tool. I'm assuming she got it from your friend, Danger."

Jane nodded. "Do you know what it is?"

Ashley shrugged. "No idea. All I know is the she has been playing with that and the Mako's console for the last two days and it's apparently all hush-hush. Even Garrus has no idea what she is up to."

"Ok, well I'm sure she knows what she's doing. Danger wouldn't give her anything dangerous." Jane shook her head and Ashley smiled, the irony of the statement not lost on her.

"I might have phrased that differently, Skipper, but you're right. You know, I kind of miss having the big ape around. She knew her way around a starship, that's for sure. She could have used a little more training with firearms, though."

"She's had training, Ash. She never joined up with the Alliance but she's done a lot of merc work for us. Anderson took a special interest in her a few years back and he made sure to put her through every course he could swing without having to officially recruit her. She just could never quite... 'Get it', you know?"

Ashley nodded, and offered a grim smile as well as her hand. "You know, the day might come where we all have to be soldiers."

"Not if I can help it." Jane gripped Ash's offered arm and pulled herself up. She stretched to the ceiling, closing her eyes and letting out an audible sigh. "Let's get down to the lower deck and gear up. I want to have the Salarian team on board by 1100. We have a big day ahead of us."

Ashley stood at attention and saluted, before turning on her heel and leading the way out of the comm room. Jane Shepard took one more look around the now empty chairs, rolled her head around her shoulders a few times, and followed her unofficial second in command down to the Mako.

Normandy, Docking Bay, Preparation to leave

Commander Jane Shepard entered the docking level and looked around to see how the preparations were going. Tali and Garrus were busy poking at each others' omni-tools. Wrex and Kaidan were testing their weapons and other gear, and Ashley broke off to help them. Liara was in a far corner, her eyes on the door. Jane felt her heart constrict as the asari caught her gaze, but she clenched her jaw and turned her head quickly away.

"Is everyone set?" Jane switched to 'commander mode' and clasped her hands behind her back. She looked at each of her crewmembers as they nodded, Wrex pulling Kaidan's body armor taut across the man's back and giving her a thumbs up signal. She nodded and walked over to a table that held her own armor and weapons, brought here earlier by the gunnery chief for inspection and maintenance. She and Ashley quickly suited up and verified each other's equipment, and Jane checked the action on her new pistol before attaching it to her hip and turning toward the Mako.

"Wrex and Kaidan, stay sharp and be ready to drop at a moment's notice. We don't know what we are going to find down there, so just be ready for anything."

"You got it, Commander," the Lieutenant replied, pumping his fist. "We got your back."

Jane nodded and gestured for Tali and Ash to get into the Mako. Garrus closed his omni-tool and moved to a console nearby, his clawed hands dancing over the controls as he manipulated the complex sequences to re-activate the AI Danger had installed for them. "You're good to go, Commander. All systems check nominal."c He nodded to her, and she saluted him.

"Good work, Garrus. I can't wait to see what the Mako can do now."

Garrus just grinned and shook his head. The commander might not think that after she had actually seen what the Mako could… and would… do…

Jane caught the mischievous glint in his eyes, and had to conscientiously suppress a roll of her own. He was up to something, but it was too late now to deal with whatever he and Tali had packed into the small rover, almost assuredly under the guidance of her insane mercenary friend. Instead, she climbed into the car, studiously ignoring the piercing blue eyes that were still assaulting her from afar, and closed the door.

"Joker, bring us in, nice and easy." A simple order, a click of her assault rifle, and Jane could almost believe that nothing had changed.

Almost.