Chapter 52: Revelations and Revulsions

-Normandy, Main Battery

The low humming sound of the Normandy's diagnostics systems surrounded him as his hands danced across the keypad. This place in the main battery was his solitary refuge, his… sanctuary… when he needed to be alone or needed time to think. He escaped here when the rest of the crew was occupied with other duties, when he was left behind, or when he just wanted to be alone. It was his asylum, when he was worried about things that were beyond his control and couldn't articulate his feelings to any of his new friends.

This was one of those times.

Garrus Vakarian punched the same numbers, in the same sequence, on the same cannon, for what was probably the fifteenth time, but his eyes stared unseeing at the output on the small screen. He could do these calibrations in his sleep, and as the commander often joked, he likely did. It was comforting to him to have something even marginally useful to work on since the commander took Tali down to Virmire. There wasn't much else he could do to help with the AA towers keeping the Normandy airborne, and he had to trust that Tali could handle the Mako. Oh, if they had been able to land he probably could have provided additional ground support, leading some of the other crewmembers and he would have jumped at the opportunity in a heartbeat… but since they only had one vehicle and no shuttles aboard the Normandy, he was stuck. All he could do was standby and wait for an update… and it was killing him.

He smiled to himself in his birdlike way, the slightest curve of his mandible being the only outward sign of his amusement.

I used to be afraid of leading. Now I'm getting cabin fever. Imagine that. Vakarian, you've changed. Commander Shepard is responsible for that.

She had believed in him and brought him along on her hunt for Saren, even when his superiors dismissed his gut feelings and tried to put him back in his place. She took the time to help him grow as a soldier and a leader, and to make him feel at home on this very alien ship. She saw something in him that no one ever had before, and he'd follow her to the ends of the universe just so he could try to capture for himself even a little bit of what made Jane Shepard so special. He'd of course crossed paths with humans before during his time at C-Sec, but none of them were quite like the commander. None of them had her charm, her integrity, her drive. None of them came close to the self-sacrificing and humble hero he'd gotten to know over the last few months.

He had faith inher, and for him, that didn't come easy.

He closed his eyes and leaned over the console, hanging his head just a little. The waiting was the worst. He trusted the commander to keep the team focused and safe, but every time they stepped out on a mission they came back with a few more scrapes, a few deeper wounds, and a much heavier burden. Each mission gave them another clue; brought them a little closer to Saren and this conduit that he was searching for. Sooner or later, they would catch up to him and all that they had accomplished so far could be vindicated or negated by his commanding officer's choices.

Shepard often chose the same team members when she went on an away mission, but this time it had been different. Before, she would always take Tali and Liara with her. Garrus was content with that. Sure, he wouldn't mind getting off the ship and stretching his legs a bit, but the commander needed the best hacker and that was Tali hands down. There was that smile again, when he thought of the quarian engineer. In a moment, however, it darkened into a frown as he was reminded that this time, at the very last minute, the commander replaced Liara with Chief Williams. He had a feeling he knew why; the scuttlebutt on the ship was beyond belief with information pertaining to the commander and the young asari doctor, but he didn't understand why she was letting her personal feelings get in the way of duty. It didn't make sense, and it wasn't the Jane Shepard he knew and looked up to. It wasn't the Jane Shepard he trusted to bring Tali back safe.

A scratch at the door startled him out of his thoughts.

Well, look who it is. I guess I'm not the only one worrying about what's going on down on the surface.

Doctor Liara T'Soni stood in the doorway, almost shyly looking at the much taller turian in the main battery. "Garrus, do you have a moment?"

Garrus nodded and motioned for the asari to come in. "I see misery loves company."

"Yes, you are correct. I am worried about… the team."

"Yea, me too." He thought about pressing the matter and forcing Liara to admit what, or more accurately, whom, she was really worried about, but thought better of it. Who was he to call her out anyway? She might storm out or snatch him up in a biotic field or something really... unpleasant. As it was, he had to admit a little company right now didn't sound like such a bad idea.

"I'm sorry that there is nowhere to sit in here, Liara. Turians don't mind standing for long periods, you know."

"Yes, I know. It is fine, Garrus. I just wanted, I guess, not to be alone."

"I'm glad you came." He turned around and leaned back on the console, staring at the ceiling. "Just between you and me, I think she should have taken you with her."

Liara looked at him quizzically. "Why do you say that?"

"The range of skills on the team is limited with the current setup. Taking the chief may give her more firepower, but I worry that one of these times the commander is going to get herself into a situation she can't bully her way out of, and someone is going to get seriously hurt." He studied the asari for a moment, wondering just how far he could push before her skin would start glowing. "Do you know why she made that last minute roster change?"

It was Liara's turn to lean back and stare at the ceiling. Quietly she replied, "Yes."

"Care to share?"

"Not particularly."

"I expected as much. It's ok, Liara, we all have our secrets."

They stood that way in silence for some time, just listening to the comforting hum and hoping against hope to hear the familiar chirp of the comm system signaling that they were picking up the away team. It was too soon… but there was still always hope. Liara decided to try to change the subject.

"Have you heard from Danger at all, Garrus?"

He shook his head. "Nah, not since she's been gone anyway. She mostly talks to Tali and I get all the dirt secondhand. From what I understand she is well, though, if that's what you were asking."

"Good."

They lapsed into silence once more, and Garrus turned back to his console and started pressing the same buttons yet again.

"How long does it usually take to calibrate that?" Liara gestured to the console.

He made a big show of tapping his head thoughtfully and nodding sagely, "Oh, about five minutes or so."

Liara grinned and moved to look over his shoulder. "Why do you spend so much time in here then?" She couldn't make sense of the formulas he was entering so she stepped back and hoisted herself onto the edge of a nearby table.

"I just need to do something, you know? I don't expect the commander to take me on missions and I think you know the reason behind that, but I still need to feel like I'm doing something to help them; to keep them safe."

Liara opened her mind to the void and lazily looked around. There was the usual chatter, mundane musings that were little more than white noise from the crewmembers aboard the ship, but there was also something else. Turians in general had strong minds that were hard to read and Garrus was no exception, but Liara thought she sensed a deeper worry than just a crewmember's concern for an away team.

I wonder if he is in love with Jane too.

"I know just what you mean, Garrus, but the commander can take care of herself. She is quite an experienced soldier."

"Yea, she is, but Tali isn't."

Ah, so we get to the heart of it. Liara was more than a little relieved that the impressive turian wasn't interested in Jane Shepard. She had enough problems as it was with asari. No need to invite turians into her personal hell to boot.

"Chief Williams is also there," Liara pointed out.

"Chief Williams should be here and you should be there. Why didn't you argue about the roster change?"

"It… it is… complicated."

"Liara," Garrus lowered his voice and she closed her eyes allowing its comforting resonance to wash over her. "What hasn't been since we joined this crew?"

He is right. I should have argued instead of just taking the easy way out and letting Jane make the decision. This mission is too dangerous for us to allow our personal feelings get in the way. I am the strongest biotic here and Tali is the best hacker, with Jane leading us as the best soldier. Those missions we did do were perfect, in every way.

"Garrus, do you ever worry that you are just losing control over everything?"

He studied her for a moment, and then narrowed his eyes. "What do you mean?"

What do I mean?

She took a steadying breath before continuing.

"Sometimes I feel strong. I feel like I know exactly what is going on, exactly who I am, exactly where I came from and what I need to do. I am in complete control and there is nothing that my wit and my biotics cannot handle." She leaned back on her hands and looked across the room at her companion. "Then there are other times where I am just so uncertain. There are so many things going on and it is hard to keep track of them all. More than once I have wished that I had never gotten tangled up in all of this. It is just too hard to keep up with it all. Life was so much easier when it was just me, alone, with my ruins."

"We all wish that sometimes, Liara. But think of the alternative – you could still be in that biotic field on Therum. You might not even be here if you weren't 'tangled up' in all of this."

She waved it off and closed her eyes for a moment. "I know. I am grateful to the commander for rescuing me and keeping me on board as a member of the crew. I just mean that, sometimes it is overwhelming."

"Just sometimes?"

She heard the grin in his voice and couldn't help herself. She grinned back.

"Ok, more than sometimes. How do you cope with it?"

"Well," he thought about it for a moment. "You know, I just think about what is important to me. I have friends now, comrades that I can count on. There's a lot of danger and at any moment it could all be over, but what really keeps me on my feet is engine oil."

Liara scrunched up her face, trying to figure out what he was talking about. "Engine oil? That does not make any sense."

"It will. You're pretty close with Danger, right? Shepard's mechanic friend?"

"You could say that."

"She told me something once that stuck with me and I've applied it to every situation ever since. She said, 'Garrus, relationships are just like machines. There's two ways to handle them. You can perform routine maintenance and keep them running for a really long time even though sometimes it's a royal pain the ass and you mostly end up burned… or you can just say fuck it and watch them rot from the inside out until they fall apart and you have to move onto something new and do it all over again. It's really that simple.' What she really meant was that all of this," he gestured to the weapons systems and the rest of the ship, "doesn't mean anything if we don't nurture the interpersonal relationships that make all of is special; that make all of it real. You can always find another body to satisfy the moment, but the real reason any of us is doing this is because there's so much more to hold on to."

Silence washed over them once more, but Liara wasn't sure about Danger's meaning.

"How do you know she was not encouraging you to jump from person to person? It sounds an awful lot like the former was a lot of work for little reward in the end."

Garrus opened his mouth to reply, and then shut it again. He thought about it for a few moments. Maybe Liara had a point. Or maybe she was just trying to talk herself out of something.

"No, she definitely meant that the long term stuff was worthwhile. Remember, the last time I talked to her she was still getting over that whole matriarch thing so maybe there was a little more vitriol than there needed to be… "

Liara laid her hand on his mouth, stopping the rest of his response. "I know, Garrus. You are right about Danger's meaning. So what do you think I should do?"

"Well, Liara, I'm not one to put much stock in scuttlebutt, generally speaking, but there's always some truth to the rumors so I'm going to go ahead and assume the real reason you are here is concern over Shepard. Personally, I think it's foolish and distracting to both of you to not be on away missions together."

"Yes, I agree." She could only imagine what was going through the commander's mind right now. After the debriefing when she was given the cold shoulder, she thought she sensed something in the void that felt a lot like despair and loneliness, but it was covered up almost as soon as she felt it, and then the commander had left the ship before she could get a moment alone with her.

"I think you need to talk to her and get it worked out. She needs you out there in the field with her, and frankly, I'd feel better with you out there as well. I respect the chief and all, but she doesn't have the talents you do."

"I know, Garrus." She eyed him speculatively, sizing him up and wondering if she should ask this next question. Eventually she decided it would be worth it to know the answer. "Can I ask you a question?"

He hesitated. "I suppose…"

"When Danger was giving you that advice about relationships, what had you asked her about?"

Garrus smiled sadly and looked back at the ceiling. He didn't really want to get into this, but it was only fair after he'd given her the business regarding Shepard. "You got me. There was someone specific in mind, but if it's all the same to you, I'd like to keep it to myself for now."

Liara nodded. "I understand, Garrus. It is not easy with the whole crew in your business." She pushed herself off the table and put her arms around his neck. "Thank you Garrus. I think I am going to lie down for a bit and think about what you said."

"Ok. You're welcome to stop back here any time, Liara."

"Thank you." She turned and waved to him before closing the airlock and leaving the large turian once again alone with his thoughts. He looked back down at the calibrations he was doing, and smiled.

Thanks for stopping by, Liara. It was nice to tell someone… even if I didn't really 'tell' you.

-Normandy, Sickbay Storage room

Liara laid down on the small cot and put her hands behind her head. The ceiling didn't hold any answers for her, but she asked the questions anyway.

What do I do? How do I do it? What will happen to us?

Her talk with Garrus had mostly put her mind at ease and she thought she knew what she had to do, but there was still that gnawing self-doubt.

I have already rejected her so many times. Over and over again, she has come to me and I have not been prepared to handle it. What can I do? I wish you were here, Benezia. I wish I had not left so abruptly. I wish I had not… done many things.

Liara turned over and pulled her legs up to her chest. Closing her eyes, she said a silent prayer, though she didn't really expect any gods existed much less were listening.

If you do nothing else for me in this lifetime, please, grant me this one request. Please give me the strength, courage, and knowledge I need to see myself, and the one I love, through this darkness.

It wasn't long after that, that Doctor Liara T'Soni fell asleep, with Jane Shepard's whispered name flitting softly across her lips.

-Nightmares

"Well hello, Child."

Liara was on the ground. How did she get on the ground? She didn't know, but here she was. She stared upward, looking for the source of the statement, looking for any clue as to what was happening to her. The figure floating above was oddly translucent, yet the voice resonated all around her and seemed to shake even the cold, hard marble-like surface she was resting on.

"Mother?"

"After a fashion…" The avatar gracefully descended into the throne directly opposite where Liara was sitting and shimmered into opacity. The young asari's eyes were transfixed by her beauty and dignity, and she couldn't wrest them away from the darkness that seemed to bubble just beneath the surface of the magnificent creature's otherworldly oculi.

"You may call me, 'My Goddess'."

"Athame…" Liara breathed, not believing.

The tall, asari-like being with the obsidian skin waved absently and stretched her wings out behind her. Leaning back casually and crossing one lengthy leg over the other, she turned her eyes on the miserable wretch who was causing her no end of grief.

"Yes… I see it now. You have the look of her, for sure. More's the pity." Athame sighed and motioned for Liara to move closer. "Come here then, Child. I need to have a proper look at you."

Liara scrambled to her hands and knees and stumbled forward, her eyes never leaving the goddess' face. She didn't dare speak. Athame leaned forward, took Liara's chin in one of her hands and jerked her face upward.

"You are a direct descendant of my line and frankly, Child; you have been mostly an embarrassment."

Liara had no idea what the goddess was talking about. Even if she did, she wasn't sure she would respond. Something about the ancient creature's voice was unnerving, like it was speaking through her rather than toward her; like it was originating from ages long ago instead of the present moment. It was similar to when Benezia would scold her, but somehow… more final. It… echoed… and fell dead, all somewhere inside her core.

Athame let go of Liara and the young doctor fell to the ground. It took a great effort to push herself up to the kneeling position.

"You children are so ungrateful. Always thinking you know better than we do. Always giving us no end of grief! You especially have been trouble. It's not like I haven't been telling you exactly what to do all this time. It's not like I haven't been boosting your power when you needed it, helping you along. Noooo, you make me bring you all the way here." She gestured wildly with her topmost hands for emphasis. "Now we're going to have to do things the hard way. Congratulations."

Liara still had no clue what this self-proclaimed goddess was talking about. Vaguely she remembered whisperings in her head… but that was just PTSD or something, right? It was just the loss of her mother hitting her especially hard, yes? It couldn't have been… not really been…. There was just no… way…

"This is a bad dream. I will wake up, and be on the Normandy, and all of this will be behind me. Just a dream." Liara held the sides of her head as if it would stop the thundering voice from entering her brain.

"Oh, you will wake up all right. But, whether you wake up on your ship or in your next lifetime is entirely up. to. you." With each word Athame tapped Liara's nose to drive home her point. Then she stood and extended her wings, darkening the already stormy sky, and raised her hands to the maelstrom.

"Behold! The Trials of Athame!"

Suddenly, the throne disappeared and the goddess along with it. The canopy Liara didn't even know was there dropped away, and the young asari's breath caught as she stared at the beauty… and the misery, of the vast expanse of nothingness before her.

"Wow. This… cannot be happening to me."

From somewhere in the distance, Liara could have sworn she heard the sound of a very large palm slapping against an equally large forehead.

A/N – Don't worry. It's probably not what you are expecting. Remember, Athame is a little… touched… And irritated. And most of all - bored. This isn't going to be Jane Trials Revisited. Athame has no clue what she is doing, to be quite honest.

I hope to be through the second half of Virmire this weekend and have our heroes back together and on new adventures again very soon!