Jamie POV
Emily can't have kids. And I want kids. But I want Emily. Maybe I could change her mind? That wouldn't be fair to her though. She'd only raise a child she didn't want, and she knew what that felt like. I thought about how badly I wanted kids. I knew it was expected of me to have kids; that's just how it was in our family. We were so big that it was never considered we wouldn't get bigger. But did I really want kids? Could I give them up for Emily? Could I give Emily up to have kids sometime in the future? I could hardly go a day without seeing her now, and I slept over at her apartment more often than not. The only reason we hadn't had sex before now was because Emily had been exhausted from working so many hours at the department, or Julia had been over. I was fine with that, as long as Emily was comfortable.
But this was a different issue entirely. How could I decide in one night if I wanted kids or not? I mean, I had never fully pictured it, but I had always liked the possibility. But then I never thought I'd be dating someone who was almost seven years older than me. I was fine with her age, it wasn't even that big of a difference if you thought about it, so could I get over this? I could never have kids.
I sat and thought about it for a few minutes, and then realized I wasn't as devastated about the news as I should be. I was already really close to Julia, and was incredibly close with Nikki and Danny's kids. They were enough for now, weren't they?
I tried to picture my future. I could see Julia and Emily sitting next to me at one of the Sunday family dinners. I could see us happy. But could I see us with a baby? Was Emily the type of person to carry a child for nine months?
I thought about and realized the answer. Emily already gave up so much of herself to others, and even more in the fire department, that she wouldn't have much left to give a child. It was amazing that she had survived this far with her demons. Even if Emily could have a child, she was the type of person who never would. And I realized that with her, I was that type of person too.
I got up and went to her room. I opened the door and saw she had fallen asleep with her head on her knees, leaning against the headboard. I could tell she had just stopped crying. I climbed across to her, and rubbed her arm to wake her up. She had told me that sometimes when Nate did this she jerked away in fright, but she had yet to do so to me. She lifted her head and looked at me. I needed to see her smile; I needed to feel her laughter, I needed to feel her. I knew tonight was the night. After a conversation like this we needed to feel each other on a deeper level.
"I guess this means I can throw away all those condoms I bought awhile ago huh?" She just smiled and leaned in to kiss me. I was so glad I had only given her back her shirt; it made everything easier.