"Should we get started?" he asked and I pulled up my shirt.
Jacob sat down on my other side and held my hand. Carlisle placed the cold gel on my stomach and I felt a light pain when I flinched.
"Ah," I whispered and looked down at my stomach.
There is your sign, my inner voice said, smug.
Both Carlisle and Jacob looked at me with concerned eyes. I can't tell them. It might just be stress related pain.
"Just cold," I lied and laid back down. Carlisle knew it was something more. I saw it in his eyes like he saw it in mine. I shook my head to him and he went on with the process.
Chapter inspired by the song : GONE TOO SOON by DAUGHTRY
My heart was racing as Carlisle moved the wand over my stomach. Carlisle moved the wand a bit, trying to find the right place. He seemed a bit frustrated while he did it, judging from the frown on his face.
"Is something wrong?" Jacob finally asked Carlisle.
Carlisle abruptly put the wand back in the little loop on the machine, handing me a small towel in the same move. I immediately wiped the gel away.
"She's not pregnant," he said and placed his hands on top of each other on my stomach, gently pressing down two fingers. "Does it hurt here?"
"No," I mumbled and he kept moving his hands.
"How do you know that so quickly?" Jacob stood up and let go of my hand, almost challenging Carlisle.
"Jacob," I mumbled and took his hand again.
Not now, I mouthed to him. He sighed.
"Here?" he asked. I shook my hand and he moved them again.
This time I flinched in pain by the pressure. My upper body curled up and he moved his hand away. It was like someone flitched a switch, I relaxed and before my body hit the table Carlisle caught me.
"Are you okay?" Carlisle gently held me up and I exhaled in relief. It had felt like someone pushed down on a scar inside my body.
"What did you do?" Jacob almost growled and pulled me out of Carlisle's arms. "..are you okay?"
"I'm fine," I whispered and Carlisle scooped me out of Jacob's arms again.
"She has to lay straight," he explained and slowly put me down on the table.
"I don't think a hug will kill her," Jacob hissed and began to grab me again.
"STOP!" I yelled and held my hands up to them. "You are making me feel like a ragdoll for Gods sake!"
They both went quiet and I kept scowling at them. I could finally take a deep breath and calmed down.
"Now what was that?" I asked Carlisle.
"I'm not sure but I think you were right before," Carlisle said. "..about the damage inside."
"Damage inside? W-w-hat damage inside?" he burst out.
"She said it feels like there is damage after the kids," Carlisle said.
"Damage? Where?" Jacob raised his eyebrows. "..down there?"
"NO!" I sighed and held my hands over my stomach. "..in here."
"Is that even possible?" Jacob asked confused.
"It's very possible. And seems to be so," he said and pointed to where he had pressed down.
"Yeah, I remember. No need to do it again," I mumbled and moved away.
"We might need to check up on it further. To get a certain answer," he said and began to have a conversation with Jacob.
I felt like I drowned away. I needed time to take it all in. Everything had happened to quickly. A pounding headache errupted in my head and I clasped my hand over my forehead. It shot out to my eyes, making me squeeze them shut.
In a matter of about thirty minutes I had gone from normal life, devestated and frustrated to relieved. And a huge cloud of guilt was hovering over my for actually feeling relief.
But it wasn't like I was happy about not having another baby. I was happy about not having to go through the possible process of dying, having to leave my kids or Jacob.
But.. I had fought for Anthony and Sarah.. maybe I could fight again?
"..does that sound good Renesmee?" Carlisle snapped me out of the thought. I lowered my hand from my face.
"Uh," I mumbled and looked at Jacob. "..what?"
"He asked if we could come back again for some further tests," he almost whispered with sadness. "..and take care of the rest."
"We should just let this sink in before we take any further steps," Carlisle stroked my hand.
Take care of the rest? Need time to let it all sink in? What the heck had I missed..
"Sure," I finally got out. "That's fine."
"Then I will see you two tomorrow," Carlisle smiled and gave me a pat on the shoulder. "I will give you two some time before you leave. If you need anything just say so. I will be in the other study."
"Okay. Thank you," I smiled to him before he ran away. I looked at Jacob now that we were finally alone. He looked so.. broken.
"Well then," he mumbled and wandered along the big window, looking out.
"Is something wrong Jacob?" I asked and sat up on the table with my legs hanging down on the edge.
"I'm fine," he chuckled. But he did it in that way he does when he wants to hide something. "I should be asking YOU how YOU are."
"I'm fine as long as you are," I said calmly and he rolled his eyes with a smile. "..and you clearly aren't."
"No, no," he blurted out and held his hands up. "I'm great. I'M FINE."
"Then why are you acting like you belong in an insane asylum?" I chuckled before he errupted in anger.
"BECAUSE YOU AREN'T FINE!" he yelled with tears in his eyes. I pulled back on the table and clenched onto the sides of it to keep balance.
"Jacob," I whispered in shock.
"I can't believe I let myself do this AGAIN!" he hissed.
"You haven't done anything. I'm not pregnant," I said in confusion.
"Didn't you just hear what he said?" Jacob narrowed his eyes. He was inching towards me. "..did you just NOT listen at all?"
"He said 'She is not pregnant'!" I quoted Carlisle.
"At first he did. But you didn't hear the rest at all did you?" he shook his head.
"WHEN?" I yelled at him. I was so frustrated with everything today.
"BEFORE! When you covered your face with your hand!" he yelled back.
Oh, that was what I missed.
"..what did he say?" I whispered.
"You had a miscariage Renesmee," he mumbled softly, with compassion in his eyes.
My eyes went across the room, over to the machine where something was on the screen.
"Oh," I mumbled when it all clicked. The pounding headache came back, my palms became clammy and a huge feeling of wanting to vomit rushed over me. I wrapped one hand over my forehead and the other over my stomach in a need to feel if this was reality.
"Renesmee," Jacob whispered and slowly walked over to me. I pulled myself together and looked up at him. "I am so, so sorry."
"Mmhmm," I mumbled and let my hands fall down on the table in a sudden lack of energy to hold myself up. I wrapped my hands onto the sides of the table. "..could you.." I began to mumble but didn't have the strength to continue. My lip began to quiver.
"What?" Jacob rushed up to me but didn't hold me. He almost seemed to wait for my reaction, unsure if I still loved him.
"Could you just," I suddenly gasped for air and could no longer hold the tears back. "..just hold me?"
"Of course," he whispered intelligibly and wrapped his arms around me.
"Jacob," I whimpered with the tears gushing out of me. My hands were desperetly grabbing for him to pull me closer.
"I'm here," he kept repeating in a soothing voice that slowly drowned out as I looked at the screen over his shoulder. I squeezed my eyes shut, went into my mind, where there was no such thing as hurt. But not even there could I escape.
I had been wishing this child away. How could I have? Now I wanted to desperetly scream 'COME BACK' to something I never had. But I imagined another boy. The one I had expected Sarah to be. The one I had planned to name William after Jacob's father. I couldn't help but wonder how he would have been. All of him. Would he have my hair? Jacob's smile?
I guess its just another ray of sunlight I will never know. Because not a day goes by without me thinking about the children we have lost. The possible life we could have had.
"Do you know how much I love you?" Jacob's murmur brought me back to the horrible reality. When I opened my tear filled eyes I saw him looking right at me, cupping my face in his hands and his eyes filled with tears of his own. "..do you know how much?" His voice was desperate.
I silently nodded and tried to get closer but he held me still.
"I promise to never do this again. I won't put you through this," he said with anger I knew was directed towards himself. "..I will never put your life at risk."
"Jacob," I whimpered.
It's not your fault, I mouthed to him. He moved his thumb over to my lips to silence me.
"It is. But I won't ever be the cause of your hurt ever again," he mumbled and brought my limp hand to his mouth for a kiss. "..I love you."
I slowly moved my hand to cup his cheek and make him look at me.
"I love you," I whispered and he almost seemed ashamed over it. Like he didn't deserve my love. I moved the hand over to my stomach. "..and I loved him."
He began to slowly nod before he laid his head in my lap. I began to stroke his head as his body convulsed in tears. I had to sooth him, be there for him. Like he had been there for me. But how? He had never needed me like this.
"It's not your fault Jacob," I attempted to sooth him. "We still have each other and the kids."
"I'm sorry," he whispered and finally looked up at me. His hand went to caress my neck.
"It's not your fault," I desperetly sobbed. He needed to know! Before I could say anything else he took a deep breath and just like that he was composed again.
"We should get home and get some sleep honey," he whispered and kissed my cheek. He was right. We had two miracles waiting at home.
Pull yourself together, my inner voice echoed. But I won't give up. I can't take another life for granted.
Jacob POV
Renesmee stayed silent in my arms as I carried her home. But I could tell that nothing was silent inside that head of hers. And I can't believe I risked losing that wonderful head. Any part of her for that matter.
Sure another kid would be wonderful, hell a hundred of them would be great! But I can't risk her life. It's not mine to risk but its mine to protect. And my own selfish needs can't be more important. And I had my time to grieve before. Now I had to go and be a father.
"Almost home honey," I mumbled when I became unsure if she was still awake. She slowly nodded and I hugged her tighter. When I looked down at her she had her thumb almost hooked to her lower lip, slightly pulling it down, in deep deep thought. Her eyes were set straight ahead on absolutely nothing.
Over the years of bullshit I had indured I had developed an 'amazing' ability to push all crap aside and still smile. The only thing that could make me crumble to my knees was Renesmee.
She unfortunately hadn't developed that ability. She carried all the pain in her eyes. For the world to see. Wich is one of the things I love about her. She is never afraid to admit her (few) flaws or wrongs. She almost embraces them.
In that way she reminds me of my mother.
Expect when I was young I didn't have the ability to really take in everything that was going on. But boy was she perfect. Always smiling with kind eyes and a warmth about her. And I don't mean physically, I mean her aura brought with it a loving and happy feeling.
I remember one time when she was baking me my favorite pie. As she took it out of the oven to put it near the window for it to cool down she missed the windowsill and it landed face down on the floor.
Me, dad, Rebecca and Rachel looked at her and waited for a reaction. She burst out in laughter and we joined in.
She made mistakes but there was never a need to be angry.
And now I had to think like she did. A mistake had happened. But I would fix it by being safe in the future.
As we approached the house I could hear Sarah fuss. But before we walked inside I wanted a moment with Nessie, so I put her down but kept my arms around her as she curled up against my chest.
"You know that I love you right?" I whispered and kissed the top of her head.
"Like I love you," she whispered back and nuzzled her face into the curve of my neck.
"MINE!" I heard Sarah whimper from inside the house.
"Now let's go and put them to sleep. Then we can talk some more," I suggested and she nodded.
"You can share!" Seth suggested and I could hear the frustration in his voice.
"NO! ALL MINE!" Sarah insisted again as I walked up the steps of the house.
"What's going on?" I smiled to them.
"SETH MINE!" Sarah scowled at me and pulled his hand towards her as Anthony did the same with his other hand.
"Oh God," Renesmee muttered and buried her face against my arm as I chuckled.
"You go upstairs. I'll take care of them and join you in a bit," I whispered in her ear and she kissed my shoulder before she walked up to give the kids a good night kiss.
"Mommy is going to bed now," she murmured and kissed their cheeks. "See you in the morning."
"See mommy!" Anthony cheered.
"Night night," Sarah smiled but went back to her frowning, unpleased face when she was focused on Seth a second later.
"I'll be waiting up," she whispered to me and I nodded before she walked upstairs.
"Mine," Sarah almost whispered to Anthony and he pulled his hand.
"Mine!" he pleaded. "Boys should be with boys."
Both Seth and I chuckled.
"Seth is right, you guys can share his attention but not now. You two are going to bed," I pointed to them and they both pouted. "No sad puppy eyes."
"DEEEE!" Anthony pleaded. He knew that melted a part of me.
"No Dee tonight," I shook my head and scooped him up in my arms. Seth helped me by carrying Sarah and put them both to bed. Their little fight didn't last long. Right away when they were cuddled up in their beds Sarah whispered 'Love you' to Anthony and he replied with a very sweet 'I you'.
I felt bad sending Seth home at this hour since he had rushed over to help me and suggested he could sleep on the couch. Which he of course happily did. But I had a hurt woman waiting for me in the bedroom.
The tired Jacob was starting to kick in and I dragged my feet to the bedroom where Renesmee was sitting with something in her hands.
"The kids are asleep and Seth is downstairs on the couch," I filled her in as I threw myself down on the bed beside her. "What's that?"
"It's a picture of the night Anthony said his first words," she mumbled with a smile. I leaned up on my elbow to see the picture frame in her lap.
"Oh yeah," I smiled at the picture of me and Renesmee holding both Sarah and Anthony. "That was a great night."
"It sure was," she proudly smiled at me. But I could tell there was something more behind that smile. "I miss having a little baby," she smiled at the picture.
"They are still little," I mumbled and kissed her shoulder. What could I say in this situation?
"You know what I mean," she whispered and put the picture down. Her eyes moved to the window where the moonlight shined. "Do you remember the first baby we lost?"
It was like someone hit me with a rock over the head, stabbed me in the heart and drowned my body in acid. The memory of coming home that night with the smell of blood lingering in the house scared me.
"Yeah," I almost hissed.
"I looked at my calender before and it is about one year since that happened," she mumbled and looked at the picture in her hands again. "..we could have been celebrating a birthday party today."
"We still have the twins party soon," I tried to sooth her.
"Yeah but you won't be here to prepare. You will be in Forks," she sighed.
"Don't focus on the negative Nessie. I can even stay home if you want," I sat up beside her.
"No you should be at your sisters wedding," she sighed.
"Then what do you want me to do?" I whispered in frustration. "..this is hard for me too and I just want to be there for you."
"I'm sorry," she whispered and leaned her head against my shoulder. "I can't blame you for going and then say you should go."
"Thank you," I mumbled in disbelief. Did I just win an argument?
"We should go away," she mumbled and looked up at me. "We need some time away from this place."
"You serious?" I asked. I had been trying to get her to agree to this for a long time.
"Yeah," she smiled. "..let's pack them up and run away." She smiled in a silly way and sat in my lap.
"They are small enough to put in your purse," I grinned, happy to see her smile.
"They sure are," she chuckled and wrapped her arms around my neck. "..unlike their father," she raised an eyebrow and began to bring her lips to me. As they touched I drowned out all my sense of responsibility again and threw her down on the bed.
There is no chance lightning will strike twice.
A/N: So maybe this isn't the chapter you all wanted but if you still want kids just keep leaving it in the reviews and I might consider it. I recently lost someone close to me and have had a hard time writing and I found this as a way to get the grief out.
The votes/private messages leaned to not kids but if you are one of the people who do still really want kids then... Well I plan to write another story soon so keep leaving the reviews ;)
And I'm sorry that its a crappy chapter but I have just been so off lately and people were asking me to upload so here it is!
Please leave suggestions to where they should go for their weekend trip! And enjoy this last time of this story since its coming to an end.