A/N: I realize this story is likely too ridiculous for words, but hey at least it's original.
Tatooine: Neva Kee and Zoda used ropes to hoist up a fallen vaporator that had fallen when Jabba's goons had wrecked the place, even after they'd delivered the barge safely to the Palace.
"Why can't I just use the Force?" Zoda complained as he continued tugging on a rope. "We'd be done by now if I had."
"Because we are merely two ordinary moisture farmers, not a psychotic Jedi and an esteemed diplomat," said Neva Kee also tugging on his own rope next to him.
"Bah," said Zoda waving a free hand and nearly getting yanked back by the rope. "Everyone who we might want to hide who we really are already knows we're here anyway."
"Once again our reputations have landed us in hot water," Neva Kee grumbled as the vaporator finally reached its full height.
"Well we could always journey through the fourth dimension again," Zoda suggested wistfully.
"For the last time I'm not taking you to when Ossus was destroyed just so you can fight Exar Kun," said Neva Kee rolling his eyes.
"No I meant we could stay here on Tatooine in the future when we'll have plenty of water to make a fortune and then pester Obi-Wan," said Zoda slicking the sweat on his forehead through his relatively few hairs atop his bald head.
"Zoda that's very mature of you," said Neva Kee impressed. Zoda looked at him confused.
"What?" he asked. Neva Kee shrugged lightly.
"Well for once you didn't say we should go bother Yoda," said Neva Kee before he began laughing to himself. Zoda growled as he rubbed his hand down his face annoyed.
"If I could actually find proof that he'd ever been on this planet I would exploit the opportunity!" Zoda swore as the two reached a watercooler sitting inexplicably in the middle of their farm.
"Which is a secret I'm sure he'll take to the grave," the diplomat pointed out as he took a funnel shaped paper cup and poured some water into it. Zoda followed suit and took a sip before both spit out the water.
"Well experiment one is an abysmal failure," said Neva Kee taking the clipboard off of the side of the watercooler, taking out a pen, and making a mark on it.
"I say just jack up the amount of that coolant you put in there," Zoda decided. Neva Kee shook his head.
"Anything in excess is bad for you," the diplomat quipped. Zoda buzzed his lips at him.
"How?" he demanded before he sneezed and two icicles shot out his nostrils.
"Whoa," said Zoda impressed as he snapped both of them off and twirled them around in his hands before assuming an attack posture. Neva Kee hastily jotted this turn of events down on the clipboard.
"Now you sneeze and we'll have a duel," said Zoda. The Xamster nearly gagged after hearing that.
"How about, no," Neva Kee said hanging the clipboard back on the cooler and headed for the homestead.
"Why not?" said Zoda disappointed. Neva Kee wondered whether or not to respond to that.
"You know very well why," the diplomat decided on, his ever reliable reply to that question.
"That's not my fault, you never said any thing about-," began the Jedi protesting.
"I didn't say anything because you said you'd read the manual I gave you earlier," Neva Kee shot back as the two walked down the steps to the underground courtyard.
"And I told you, that particular page was missing," Zoda continued. The two entered into the eating area and Neva Kee produced a chemistry set and began adding various chemicals to the various test tubes.
"I'll bet it was," the diplomat grumbled as he twisted a knob and a Bunsen burner activated heating up one of the tubes. Treadwell came to a halt at the end of the table and looked at the two quizzically. Zoda looked at him before looking at Neva.
"I thought you said it was a bad idea to mess with the laws of nature," said Zoda voicing his and Treadwell's concerns.
"No, it's a bad idea when you mess with nature," said Neva Kee. "But that's ultimately not what I'm doing here anyway."
"Could've fooled me," said Zoda as he twirled one of his icicles in his hand aimlessly. Neva Kee didn't respond to that but just remained deeply engrossed in his experiment as he performed more tests in silence.
"I'm bored!" shouted the Jedi finally.
"Then go find something to do but leave your lightsabers here," said Neva Kee not caring. Zoda was steamed at this but just got up, slammed his two dueling sabers on the table, and was headed out the door when Treadwell whirred its motor.
"Fine you can come too," said Zoda relenting. Treadwell rolled after him and the two left the Homestead headed for the outside. The diplomat watched them go before resuming his attention on his work. Up above, Zoda and Treadwell made their way towards the Chariot LAV, but Treadwell's treads briefly jolted and he hit the watercooler knocking the entire kit and caboodle into the open trunk of the LAV. Zoda was underneath the craft checking for womp rats before he popped back up and looked at the droid annoyed.
"If you want to ride in the trunk be my guest," he said waving inside but not looking into the trunk itself. Treadwell just shook its head and rolled off to the passenger seat as Zoda used the Force to close the trunk, still not knowing of the contents now inside it. He then hopped into the driver's seat as Treadwell rolled into position and both doors closed as the Jedi slammed on the gas and the craft took off into the distance.
Trial: "Now you swear you had no foreknowledge of that cooler being in your trunk?" stated IG-24.
"Absolutely," said Zoda nodding his head. IG-24 paced as he heard this.
"You understand if I am reluctant to take you at your word for this, or your explanation of the events," IG-24 felt the need to point out.
"Well we could ask Treadwell," Captain N surmised. Zoda shot up in his chair at that statement.
"Don't ask him, his mouth stings with the pain of a thousand white hot lies!" Zoda protested. Neva Kee smacked his head at that statement as he wondered if they should've been tried separately before letting the thought go.
"At any rate, he's back at the farm so he's indisposed to give a sworn statement," Enkidu chimed in while not remarking that Treadwell couldn't speak at all.
"Then I guess the witness will just have to continue with their story," said the Judge also feeling helpless. Zoda sat back down and continued his story.
Tosche Station: The Chariot LAV came to a halt outside the station as various others individuals moved about the supply depot. The two got out and headed for the entrance before Zoda stopped and faced Treadwell.
"If you break anything, I will shut you down and abandon you in the middle of the desert," Zoda warned. Treadwell backed up slightly before nodding and following him. The two entered into the shop and Zoda began browsing through the various pieces of merchandise aligning the shelves as Treadwell rumbled around other aisles looking at what they had. Picking up little odds and ends, he leapt up onto a stool and dumped them onto the counter.
"I have a tab," said Zoda to the cashier. The person looked at them doubtful before producing a thick bound book and opening it.
"Name?" the cashier asked doubtful.
"Neva Kee," responded Zoda not missing a beat. The cashier looked through the book. Sure enough, the diplomat's name was in there and the cashier whistled at the tab, which read that anything they wanted was free.
"So you're Neva Kee?" asked the cashier ringing up the items.
"No I'm actually the little green menace," explained Zoda. The cashier looked at a small subscript underneath Neva Kee's dependents that gave that description and a warning that the cashier should consider him a walking natural disaster.
"Okay," said the cashier hurriedly ringing up the sale before asking the obligatory. "Anything else for you today?"
"Yeah…I have an item that I dropped off here for repair and it should be done by now," said Zoda amicably. The cashier ran through the computer records but came up blank.
"I'm sorry sir but it's not showing in our database," explained the cashier.
"Well how far back do your records go?" asked Zoda trying to be helpful.
"Awhile," said the cashier a little bit defensive at being told how to do their job.
"I'm willing to bet that I dropped this item off a little more than 'awhile' ago," the Jedi continued. "Do you still have the ol' big book of stuff around here?"
"Yeah but…that thing's ancient," said the cashier. "We keep it in a display case as a reminder of the old times."
"Well I know it's in there," Zoda insisted. "I saw it being written down at the time."
"If this is a joke…," the cashier warned.
"No joke," the Jedi swore. The cashier eyed him doubtfully before calling the manager over.
"Sir, this person claims that they have an item that we were repairing that isn't in our computer records but is in the old ledger," said the cashier bewildered. The manager looked doubtful at the whole situation before something clicked in his head regarding Zoda's appearance.
"No…," said the manager in disbelief. He ran over to the ledger book that was open to a random page and hurriedly unlocked and opened the glass case and threw the book over to the cover as dust settled everywhere. On the cover was an embroidered Tosche Station logo and below it an extremely faded photo of the original team that had worked at the station and below all the humans and aliens, almost impossible to make out, were two short aliens, one completely blue and the other completely green.
"Holy sithspit," said the cashier as their jaw dropped.
"You think that's something, wait'll you see this," said the manager as he flipped the book open to page one and there at the top was a nearly vanished entry reading: 'Little Green Menace' and the item he was having repaired.
"You've finally come for it after all of these years?" said the manager utterly confused.
"I've been busy," said Zoda shrugging. "Now do you have it or not?"
"Yeah we have it alright," said the manager quickly moving to the back as Zoda followed. The cashier wanted to see what it was so badly that they looked around for a replacement.
"You!" said the cashier pointing at Treadwell who had rolled behind the counter to follow Zoda. The droid looked at the cashier confused but could not speak to defend itself.
"Man the register," said the cashier assuming that the droid was a store worker. Treadwell rolled to the register, looked at it bewildered, and then up at the line beginning to form in despair because as Zoda was so apt to point out, it didn't have arms.
Farm: Neva Kee stepped outside for some fresh air as he drank his usual coffee even though it was blistering hot outside. As he did, he noticed that the watercooler was missing. This caused him to narrow his eyes as he knew that Zoda wouldn't have taken it without leaving a note taunting him to stop his plans. It was when he saw the treads leading to the cooler that he realized what must have happened. Shrugging, he wandered out amongst the vaporators before noticing several blurs race across the desert. Taking out his macrobinoculars he saw a herd of banthas capped by Tusken Raiders. Putting down the binoculars he held his thumb up to the lowest sun, Tatoo 2, and then moved it across the horizon at the point where the Tuskens were heading.
"Tosche Station," thought the diplomat apprehensively before he pulled out a large radio and held it to his head.
"Z? Z?" he asked into it. But there was no response.
"Terrific," said Neva Kee debating what to do.
Tosche Station: Deep inside a steel vault, where radio signals could not penetrate, Zoda, the manager, and the cashier sat looking at a lone dust covered box in the center of the vault.
"Is that it?" said the cashier disappointed. Zoda nodded happily as he ran to the thing.
"Oh baby how I've missed you!" he said hugging the thing before coughing heavily on the dust.
"What is it?" asked the manager as he hovered over the box. Zoda blew on it revealing a black box with a speaker embedded in the side with several knobs on top.
"It's my amp!" said Zoda still hugging the thing tightly.
"What happened to it?" asked the manager not entirely clear as to what an 'amp' was. But the speaker was identifiable enough.
"I got a little overzealous at the opening night concert we had for this place and blew the thing. So Mr. Tosche said he'd fix it," explained Zoda as he grabbed the straps on the other end and threw them over his shoulders as he began carrying the thing like a backpack.
"So why have Mr. Tosche fix it, why not buy a new one?" asked the cashier as they exited the vault.
"It's because this is no ordinary amp," said Zoda appalled at their suggestion. "It goes up to 11."
Silence filled the room at that.
"What?" asked the cashier finally.
"Well just about every other amp goes to 10," explained Zoda. "So what happens if you want to go louder? You can't. Hence 11."
The cashier and the manager both considered this.
"Why don't you just make ten louder, and make ten be the top... number, and make that a little louder?" asked the cashier.
"You'll never understand," said Zoda shaking his head slightly as he entered into the main area. "10 will never be louder than 11. It's a scientific impossibility."
"It makes sense to me," said the manager frankly, agreeing with Zoda. Zoda nodded approvingly and they approached the counter as in the shopping area the throng of angry customers were chasing the beleaguered Treadwell up and down the aisles.
"Was there anything else you needed?" asked the cashier trying to figure out how they were going to explain this to their friends. Zoda nodded.
"You see that mantelpiece up there covered in canvas paper?" asked Zoda. "That's mine too. I left it here for safekeeping."
The manager looked up at the wrapped object hanging high above and grabbed a hook to remove it.
"Careful it's one in a million," said Zoda anxious to get it back. The manager carefully lowered the object to the table and Zoda picked it up as he stood on the stool and took the strap on it and threw it over his neck.
"What is it?" asked the cashier in slight awe. Zoda grabbed the piece of string holding the canvas paper onto the object and pulled on it as the paper fell off.
"She's the stuff dreams are made of, the mouthpiece that transforms thought into substance, she's meanness put to music and the bith was born to play," said Zoda mystically as the object was revealed to be a red embossed electric guitar. "She's my axe."
Through the windows, the herd of banthas became visible as alarms began to blare.
Farm: Neva Kee was hanging onto the top of Old Faithful as he tried to position an antenna to try and better pick up radio transmissions.
"Come on, come on," he said as he twisted the radio length dial. He was getting nothing but static until he picked up the sounds of the alarms resonating from Tosche Station.
"Great," said Neva Kee taking down the antenna and pulling out a remote and driving the landspeeder directly below him at the base of Old Faithful. Judging the jump, he stepped off of the giant vaporator and landed in the craft before slamming on the accelerator as the craft took off.
Tosche Station: Laser blasts and gaffi sticks flew through the air at the building as the remaining customers who had not had time to evacuate were cowering behind whatever they could to avoid being injured or killed.
"Great, first shot at the Sand People and I don't have a weapon!" Zoda complained.
"Then take mine," said the manager brandishing his weapon.
"No thanks," said Zoda shaking his head. "I'm trying to wean myself off of blasters. Generally I like to keep my destruction to a nice limited 100 miles radius."
"So what do you suggest we do, die?" asked the cashier as more laser blasts flew around them before a gaffi stick embedded itself in the overturned table they were using to protect themselves.
"Yikes!" said Zoda cowering even more.
"Some hero you are," said the cashier annoyed. Zoda shot up.
"Fine, you want a hero? Try this!" shouted the Jedi as he plugged his guitar into his powered up amp and speaker and strummed the guitar and was thrown off of his feet as the resulting soundwave threw everything behind him into the far wall.
"What the hell was that?" demanded the manager as he held his ears after that loud blast of music. Zoda stood up and stumbled around in shock from hitting the far wall.
"That…was a riff!" he said triumphantly, bobbing up and down as he shook his head. "You did it Tosche I am impressed. Now I've got my weapon!"
"What kind of a hero are you?" demanded the manager as the others looked at the alien beyond words at the whole situation.
"Oh come on," said Zoda disappointed at them as a few more laser blasts flew around him that he ignored. "You've just heard one guitar that blew me away, I've got stars in my eyes, this one guitar feels good in my hands, and I've got keep on rockin, I'm never going to stop because I'm a…"
No one had any clue what he was talking about.
"I'm a Jukebox Hero!" shouted Zoda. "Do none of you listen to music?"
"What's a jukebox?" inquired one of the patrons confused. Zoda sighed and dropped his head in shame.
"Hopeless!" he said waving them off disgusted before heading for the door.
"Any requests?" he inquired at the last moment.
"Free Bird!" somebody shouted. Zoda's head slumped against the shattered glass door defeated.
"I'm not even going to ask," was all he said as he opened the door.
"Wait one last thing!" shouted the cashier. Zoda turned to face him, his guitar glinting the in the sunlight, making it seem as if it were on fire.
"That wasn't your fabled eleven was it?" said the cashier mockingly. "Because if it was…"
"That was three," answered Zoda with a grin. "You all had better run out of here as quickly as you can because when this baby hits eleven, well let's just say you'll be lucky if any part of this building will be left standing."
The others looked at each other in silence as Zoda left the building and produced his ever trusty pair of sunglasses as he faced the Sand People. The Tuskens all aimed their weapons at him, either atop banthas or not, as Zoda reached behind him and twisted the dial to eleven on his amplifier.
"Gentlemen," said Zoda amicably. "This would probably be the first time I've ever said this in context but… let's rock!"
Zoda threw his right hand up into the air as his pick shown glinted in the air and threw it down as a massive explosion tore through the air throwing a sand shaped mushroom cloud into the air and tearing Tosche Station to pieces as the resulting musical note left a shockwave that went rippling outwards through the air tossing sand people, banthas, and hovercars everywhere as the trunk hatch was ripped open on the Chariot LAV and the watercooler got swept up with the ensuing sandstorm.
Miles Away: Neva Kee saw the sand filled mushroom cloud rise high into the sky with slight apprehension.
"Now what could that have been?" the diplomat pondered. He was still wondering when a massive wall of sand materialized rushing straight at him. The diplomat stopped the craft and stood up looking at the wall as he drummed his fingers on the top of the windshield.
"It just doesn't make any…," began Neva Kee when the sensors on the speeder began beeping. Plopping back down the diplomat flipped on the tiny viewscreen on the dash as it began flashing the number 11 multiple times.
"Oh hell," said the diplomat annoyed. "Zoda, not again!"
The sandstorm plowed into the speeder sucking it and the diplomat up along with it.
Bestine: Kandor Ito was just returning home from another day of despair at having to compile yet another report on why Tatooine was suitable for entry into the Galactic Republic while still performing his job as the Republic's only real presence on the planet. It was getting to be a hassle and Neva Kee Zoda's presence on this world wasn't making it any easier. But as he opened the door, the entire area began shaking and he looked up at the sandstorm that was coming pouring over the lip of the crater and straight towards the city below.
"Zoda!!!" shouted Kandor as the soundwave echoed in his ears before the sand hit the city. At the moment it did this, the watercooler ruptured turning the sand to ice and soon the entire city was left as a gigantic frozen ice cube.
Tosche Station: A hand plunged deep into the dirt with a hook attached to it. Then the line began retracting as two objects were pulled from the ground below. Zoda and Treadwell lay side by side when a shadow fell over both and Zoda began coughing up sand.
"Welcome back to the land of the living Cheech," said Neva Kee who was still covered in pieces sand.
"Oh shut up Chong," said Zoda bringing his knees to his chest as he puked more and more sand while still attached to his guitar and amp.
"Well when you eventually get back on your feet I'll need your help digging up the farm again," the diplomat stated as he helped Treadwell to his feet.
"I was so close…," Zoda lamented still lying on the ground.
"To what?" asked Neva Kee, as Treadwell made its way into his battered speeder.
"To hitting a second note at 11," said Zoda slowly getting up. "I know I can do it and I swore I did this time! I know I hit the second note at the beginning of Fight for your Right."
"Well thankfully you didn't," said Neva Kee hovering over him. "But here it looks like your cord came loose in the ensuing blast."
Neva Kee plugged the guitar cord back into the amp and headed for the speeder when suddenly the ground started rumbling.
"Zoda!" Neva Kee accused.
"It wasn't me!" the Jedi protested weakly as he was still in severe pain from the amount of sand he had swallowed.
"Then…," began Neva Kee as the speaker began building up to a climax. Neva Kee and Zoda both reached the conclusion at the same time.
"No, this isn't possible!" shouted Neva furious.
"I did hit the second note!" said Zoda triumphantly before he hacked up more sand. The speaker exploded with the second note.
"Oh shi-," began Neva Kee when a second explosion tore through the air launching another mushroom shaped cloud as the trio was battered once again by a wall of sand.
"Zoda!!!" shouted the Xamster but the sound was lost to the howling wind.
Trial: The Judge's jaw dropped at that sequence of events.
"That was you two?!?!" shouted the Judge. Neva Kee shook his head.
"No, that was him entirely!" shouted the diplomat pointing at Zoda.
"You told me to go find something do!" he protested.
"Not that!" responded Captain N. "Did you seriously forget how it was you blew your amp in the first place?"
"Well Tosche said he would fix it so it would never happen again and I had to know if he kept his word," said Zoda innocently. Neva Kee groaned but otherwise said nothing.
"Well it's not like anyone died or was seriously injured besides us!" said Zoda in his defense.
"Just continue prosecutor," said the Judge not wanting to revisit what he had found at his home in Bestine when he had returned from a long vacation.
"Very well," said the officer. "Next…we come to…golf."
"Alright!" said Zoda excited. "My favorite subject. Boy did we have a good time with that game."
Neva Kee's head slumped down.