~ Reiner Braun ~

The very little air that is in Reiner's constricted lungs is squeezed out of him as four bodies shove him against the outside wall of the mess hall. "The hell?!" he gasps. "Com'on, guys… *huff*… this is going too far…"

"See?" Sasha says excitedly. "See?"

"Not too firm," Marco observes, pinching firmly. "But not too squishy either."

Connie slurps up his slobber. "Uh, Sasha… can I also compare…?"

Sasha punches his face so hard into Reiner's cleavage that he bounces off on impact. Marco catches him before he falls to the ground.

Reiner almost sighs in relief when Eren steps up and sweeps the tangle of grabbing hands away—until he slaps Reiner's chest, hard.

A beat of silence.

Then, in awestruck admiration, Eren whispers, "They jiggle."

"That is fine."

"Dayum."

~ Jean Kircshtein ~

Jean's in the middle of recounting to the quiet giant Bertolt a particularly clamorous argument that he had won against Eren when a familiar voice calls his name; the rest of this sentence is drowned out by an excited mix of shouted words and… moans?

Jean pauses. "Hey, Bertl… Who was that?"

A bead of sweat that's been stubbornly clinging to Bertolt's forehead for the past ten minutes finally breaks free and runs its way down his large nose. "Uh… I think it was Marco."

Sure enough, Marco's voice rings into Jean's ears seconds later; the boy himself, however, remains unseen. "Jean! Com'ere! You have to check this out!"

Jean follows the noises around the corner of the mess hall and just barely manages to keep his cool face on when he spots Connie, Sasha, Eren, and Marco pressing the hulking Reiner tightly up against the wall.

"This meat has bounce to it," Connie says eagerly.

"N-n-no… Bertl…" Reiner's chest heaves as he pants heavily. Seriously, is he blushing?

Sasha's eyes shine as she interrogates, "Is the reason why you let him wear your clothes because you're the one tearing his off in—?"

Marco uses a single finger to gently push Sasha's chin up in order to shut her mouth. "What she means to say is… uh… Bertl?"

Marco, Sasha, and Connie are staring—not at him, but behind him… at Bertolt. Jean turns around and immediately notices the dark, violent aura suddenly surrounding the quiet giant. His head is bowed towards the ground as if he has been betrayed.

Eren, who is as oblivious as usual, distracts Jean from the horror that he is feeling when he insists, "Jean, I know that you immediately disagree with anything I have to say, but I swear that you have to feel this."

Jean rolls his eyes but approaches Marco. "Whatever. Fondling another man's cleavage is nothing to get excited—HOLY #$&% REINER WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN HIDING FROM US."

Even through the tight, binding cloth, there's definitely something squishy underneath there. Squishy and spongy and bouncy and…

"St…st-st-stop… ugh… I…"

A ring of black flames suddenly explode to life at Bertolt's feet, swarming around his body as he lifts his head jerkily like a broken robot. His eyes appear to be glowing red. "Reiner…"

Jean finally comprehends that Reiner's wearing Bertolt's shirt, which is probably like three sizes too small; plus it probably doesn't help that the bulky blonde has four hands shoving his chest in. He's literally gasping for breath and his cheeks are red because he's suffocating. "Hey, hands off the man, pee-wee pee-pee," he growls, slapping Connie's hand down while shoving Eren away with a little more force than is necessary.

"The hell was that for, Jean?" Eren barks.

"I swear there's something in the water," grumbles Connie. "It's not me, Sasha. It's the water."

Jean turns his attention to Bertolt in an effort to cover Reiner's ass, only to discover that Bertolt's vanished without a trace.

Marco pulls Sasha off as well, and Reiner slides down onto his butt, holding his sides and gasping for air. "Ah… Uh… thanks, Jean."

Jean doesn't hear this, however, because his attention has been captured by another spectacle much more valuable than Reiner's surprisingly soft and large cleavage: Mikasa Ackerman, wearing next to nothing.

Well, she has a towel wrapped tightly around her chest that falls all the way to just above her knees, but every once in a while, a slit on the side opens and reveals a lot more leg and hip than Jean has ever seen before in his life and it is fantastic.

Even better, she's currently in the midst of a fight with Annie Leonhart, who is also wearing her towel as a sleeveless dress. Annie has a lot more blonde hair than he expected, and though it's stuck together in wet clumps, it still swings around violently as she attacks Mikasa with fast and fierce kicks (that also reveal surprisingly long legs). Mikasa, on the other hand, nimbly leaps about, light on her feet, her body flowing along with her arms like a continuous flow of air and water before putting her all into forceful punches.

The two toweled girls are so focused on each other that they seem to barely notice their fellow trainees' reactions… like the glob of saliva trying to drip its way out of Jean's mouth. He self-consciously tries to slurp it up, only to realize that Eren has already noticed. Actually, why isn't Eren paying any attention to the half-naked battle of women happening right in front of him (what is wrong with this kid)—

"That's my sister you're drooling over," Eren says pointedly.

Oh.

Oh yeah.

"And I see that you're still trying to cop a feel of Reiner's boobs," Jean counters, "But you're not even going to spare a glance at Annie's? At this rate, Sasha's going to ship you with everybody."

Eren snatches away the hand that had, up until Jean's mention, been discreetly pinching Reiner's right nipple—but not quick enough to avoid Sasha's eyes. Unexpectedly, though, Sasha doesn't tease Eren; instead, she turns to Jean solemnly. "There's only one OTP for Eren," she says with absolute certainty. "Regardless of who's feeling who up."

(Uhhhh okay is OTP some secret code for something and do I want to know what it means)

(No probably not)

Reiner gasps as the last hand inflicting pain upon him is removed. "Hey, that's not fair," he chuckles lightly, using his large hands to both massage all parts of his violated chest and to protect from any other possible investigating hands. "I just have more cleavage than Annie and Mikasa combined. Erm, though I'm not saying that I have big man tits or anything. Mine are completely normal! It's just… well, it's not Annie's or Mikasa's fault that they were born with pathetically small chests."

Said girls suddenly freeze in their epic battle. As one, they turn to face Reiner, moving jerkily like broken robots, their eyes hidden by deep shadow.

Jean, Marco, Eren, Connie, and Sasha quickly vacate the area, leaving Reiner exposed.

"I… uh… Annie, I didn't… and Mikasa, don't—AAAIIIEEEEEEeeeeee…"

Moving as a single unit, the combined forces of Annie and Misaka's high kick is just enough to launch Reiner's body all the way up into space.

Neither girl misses a beat after that though; Mikasa throws a right hook at Annie while her long leg is still in the air, and Annie swivels around and brings her leg straight down towards Mikasa's head in an axe kick.

They make contact at the exact same time: Annie's heel on Mikasa's shoulder and neck as the black-haired girl tilts her head at the last second, and Mikasa's fist straight into Annie's boob (which is indeed much smaller than Reiner's). Mikasa falls to her knees as Annie loses her balance and stumbles back a meter or two. However, though Mikasa's entire body seems to curl around her injured shoulder, Annie appears to be worse for the wear when, as she stands, her towel shifts.

Mikasa's forceful punch has apparently loosened the knot holding Annie's towel to her body. In front of the entire 104th trainees' squad, Annie's white towel drifts downwards as if in slow motion, revealing the entirety of her back and just a little bit of her—

A tiny blonde bomb explodes into action, halting the descent of Annie's towel just in time. With desperate tears in her eyes, Krista looks around at all her male squadmates and begs, "Look away, please!"

Jean doesn't avert his gaze; after all, he isn't even looking at Annie! He only has eyes for Mikasa—namely, how her towel is just parted enough to show up outer thigh, and how the lack of sports bra allows her to fully display the glory of her chest…

"Ah!"

"Waugh!"

"Ow, my spleen!"

Jean is too late to notice the bodies flying into the air before the monster has twisted his arm behind his back and forced him to his knees in submission. The muscled and freckled beast shoves him over and pins his torso to the ground by straddling his hips, holding his head in place by weaving a hand through his hair.

(Marco?)

(wow why is it so hot suddenly)

Unfortunately, to his horror and fear, it's Ymir and not Marco who growls, "Didn't you hear what Krista said?"

"I was looking at Mikasaaaa—" is all he manages to get out before Ymir makes him eat dirt.

Next time: when nobody seems to care about how Connie was just violated, he seeks revenge.

"Okay, Mikasa, just watch me. Tell me this isn't erotic!"