~ Connie Springer ~
If one was to enter a room filled with the members of the 104th Trainees' Squad, one would notice a few people straight away. If there was a table with snacks to the side, then one would immediately notice Sasha vacuuming up the food there. If Marco and Armin had not succeeded in keeping Eren and Jean apart, then one would probably walk in on Erejean rolling about on the floor, punching and scratching and biting each other. If Ymir had not gotten any last night, then the freckled monster would be teasingly touchy-feely with everybody until Krista arrived to pull her off of an awkward Armin, or a sweaty Bertolt, or a silently uncomfortable Annie.
All of the above are individual situations that only happen when certain conditions are met. However, there is one person that somebody will always notice no matter the situation, because of his booming laughter and friendly attitude, the love that he shows for everybody (even people like Dazz) and the ways he shows it through a high five, a clap on the back, a sideways one-arm hug.
That person is Reiner Braun.
And by extension, Bertolt Hoover.
It's not because Bertolt is particularly talkative or outgoing. It's just that the quiet giant is always hiding in Reiner's shadow; everywhere Reiner is, Bertolt is also. Reiner lives and loves as loudly and proudly as possible and Bertolt… he's just there, sweating more than he talks.
Except for today.
Today, Bertolt is actually talking. Instead of sitting at his usual table, he moves around from table to table, asking people questions. Well, actually, just one question.
Have you seen Reiner?
Nobody has the guts to tell him that everybody thinks that Reiner is dead.
Jean reports that Bertolt left before Mikannie (Sasha's terminology, not Connie's) booted Reiner into outer space. And while some have been waiting in suspense for the hulking blonde to tumble back out of the sky, many have suggested that the foot up the ass from the combined forces of the two most dangerous people in the camp was so powerful that Reiner's head exploded. Others say that, while it's possible that Reiner survived the kick itself, it was enough to launch him straight into heaven (which is great, because he's a great guy). Finally, most say that Reiner has landed already, only he's landed outside the walls and was instantly devoured by Titans.
This last theory makes Eren shed tears of rage and swear to kill every Titan all over again.
In Connie's opinion, though, Reiner's alive and well. Reiner's too awesome to die! He's seriously like everybody's big brother, he can't die. He's… he's like an armored tank. Wide and heavyset and can take a serious beating—that's Reiner. He can survive getting his ass kicked, even if it was by two very powerful ladies. He can survive rocketing all the way up to the pearly gates, whereupon he'll decide that he misses his friends and turn around and come right back. He'll survive the landing too. And then he'll just walk right back into the mess hall and grab his lunch and everything will be all normal again.
"Where's Reiner?" Eren yelps indignantly when Bertolt stops at their table. "Tell me where Armin is first and I'll tell you about Reiner."
A drop of nervous sweat trickles down the side of Bertolt's face. "I… I haven't seen Armin all day."
"Well that makes two of us," says Eren grumpily, turning his back on Bertolt.
Connie grins apologetically at Bertolt. "Sorry, man."
Mikasa doesn't say anything—she's too busy staring… not at Eren, actually. That's weird. She's sitting next to Eren, yeah, and while that usually bugs Eren because Mikasa acts like she needs to protect him all the time, he isn't bothered now because Mikasa is too busy staring at someone else.
Connie leans backwards, following Mikasa's line of vision… right to Annie.
Annie stares right back at her. Even though she's obviously not looking at Connie, her piercing ice blue eyes seem to stare straight into his soul, picking out every single one of his insecurities so quickly that he reflexively flinches away. The sudden, violent movement doesn't distract Mikasa in the slightest; her face, as usual, maintains its expressionless gaze as impenetrable as a block of concrete.
Connie observes them for another full minute. Ignoring their staring contest, the two girls act completely normal in spooning food up to their mouths, tearing into bread loaves with their teeth, and wiping up spills with napkins. However, the entire time, they never blink, never break contact, never back down.
Huh.
(So Hannah's rumors might be true…)
(Not the Sasha eating Armin thing, that's just ridiculous)
(But Mikasa and Annie establishing dominance in a bathroom stall…)
This isn't a completely new concept either. It's not the first time that ladies have gotten it on by themselves. The camp is pretty strict about separation of sexes, but they don't bother within the genders themselves. Connie knows this because of loud nighttime activities between experimenting members of his cabin that have forced him to take long midnight walks... which coincidentally take him right past the girls' dormitories.
Most frequently underneath the window close to Krista's bed, because he can count on something happening there at least three times a week.
(Com'on, gimme a break)
While some people have no problem forming cuddle puddles (curse you, Eren/Armin and Bertolt/Reiner) or getting around (every single time, Marco's excuse for his late night excursions are, "Just listening to a friend"… Psh yeah right), Connie's still woefully single. He's got nobody.
Well, maybe Sasha, but sometimes it seems like she's more interested in bread. Once, she showed him how to skin and gut a rabbit. She even presented him with its bloody heart afterwards, a wide grin on her face. Combined with the blood that coated her arms and speckled her cheeks, she looked absolutely insane. He's still not sure what to think about her gift… or what she means to him. She just… she has this effect on him. Every time he thinks about her, his body just reacts a certain way.
Mostly, he gets hungry. Like, reaaaaally hungry.
Since Mikasa is too busy staring at Annie, maybe she won't notice if he steals her half-eaten loaf of bread…
The moment his fingers alight upon her bread, she slaps his wrist and he flinches backwards.
(Whoa how did she do that)
For a couple seconds, he doesn't move. Mikasa doesn't say a word, instead resuming her staring contest with Annie.
(Maybe that was just a fluke…)
Hesitantly, Connie reaches forward again—only for Mikasa to slap his wrist again, in the exact same place.
(Holy cows, it's like she has eyes in the back of her head)
(Probably from watching over the Boy-Who-Wants-To-Die for so long)
Well, his stomach is really grumbling now, and his single dinner roll isn't going to cut it. He clears his throat loudly to catch Mikasa's attention. "Uh, Mikasa… Are you done with tha—"
In one lightning-fast motion, Mikasa sweeps her bread loaf off the table without breaking eye contact with Annie and shoves it towards his mouth. However, she shows that she is an imperfect human when she misses his mouth and stabs him in the eye instead.
"Ouch!"
"Whoops," Mikasa murmurs quietly as she reaches over with her other hand to grab the front of Connie's shirt, reel him in, and hold him in a headlock while she stuffs her baguette in his mouth, all while maintaining eye contact with Annie.
There's too much bread in his mouth; he can't even chew it up before Mikasa's shoving even more in and
(I can't breathe)
The thing is that Mikasa does this to prevent conflict between Eren and Jean. Armin is a boy of words; Mikasa is a woman of action, and her mechanism of action is usually stuff a thin loaf of bread down Eren's throat to shut him up.
(but Eren's never showed any trouble breathing)
Mikasa shoves bread down Sasha's throat too whenever Sasha asks—which is quite often.
(but Sasha inhales food all the time)
His two friends have showed such aptitude… they've made it seem completely normal, but here Connie is, showing just how pathetic he is…
(Is this why I'm single)
Is the ability to deepthroat bread related to how relationship-prone somebody is?
(Is the lack of oxygen in my brain making me all smart and sciencey and stuff?)
(Huh I'm going to pass out soon)
Right before he slips into unconsciousness, Connie kicks at not Mikasa but at Eren as hard as he can. When Eren yelps in pain, Mikasa abandons everything—her staring contest with Annie, her bready violation of Connie—to focus on ensuring Eren's wellbeing, allowing Connie to cough up chunks of bread and gasp for air.
"Eren? Are you hurt? How bad does it hurt? Who did it? I'm gonna cut a bitch, tell me who did it."
"Quit it, Mikasa, I'm fine," Eren sighs, pushing Mikasa's caring hands away. "Put that razor blade back where you found it; I don't need it."
Mikasa obeys solemnly, ignoring Annie in favor of turning her eyes upon Connie. "Yes, you may have my bread."
"Who else have you experimented on?" barks Connie, almost unable to keep an accusing tone out of his voice.
Mikasa only looks at him quizzically. "What are you talking about?"
Connie grabs Mikasa's baguette, which now has his saliva all over one end. "This. In my mouth. You wouldn't make me deepthroat this if you just wanted to feed me. I'm onto you, Mikasa. You have another purpose." His eyes widen in realization. "Armin set you up to this, didn't he?"
Mikasa doesn't reply, which, if anything, only confirms his suspicions. Just to make sure, he spells it out to her: "You're testing Eren and Sasha's relationship capabilities first, right? It's all coming together now—you're seeing how far they can take difficulties before they choke and die!"
"…Have you ever been in a relationship before?"
Connie falters. This… this is a low blow. "N-n-no, but I—"
"You're spouting nonsense, Connie."
That's another low blow. Yeah, he isn't very smart, but he tries his best! "Mikasa, why else would you do something so ridiculously suggestive in front of everybody? I know you're not doing it to humiliate them, so it's gotta be for scientific purposes!"
"I am giving them food so that they can live."
"Okay, Mikasa, just watch me. Tell me this isn't erotic!"
Connie swipes Mina's bread as he walks past her and Annie's table; it's not as plump and round as everybody else's, but looks a lot more like a fat breadstick, which is just perfect for what Connie's about to do. Mina yelps in protest, but Connie just winks at her as he carefully makes his way across the room. Jean's attention is currently focused solely on Eren, allowing Connie to gently slip into the adjacent seat, ensure that Mikasa is still watching him, and wait for just the perfect opportunity…
Jean's mouth is wide open when Connie grabs him by the hair and shoves the fat breadstick into his mouth. Jean is so shocked at this unexpected turn of events that his mouth hangs open for a couple seconds, allowing Connie to squeeze in a little rough-and-wild, back-and-forth pump action. And, since he's already being pretty outrageous, he tosses in a couple sound effects like "Yes!" and "Oh yes!" and a pretty good imitation of Krista's "OOOOOHHHH!"
The demonstration ends when Jean viciously bites down on Connie's baguette. They play tug of war with it for a couple seconds before Jean gives up on getting the bread out of his mouth and leaps for Connie instead. Connie halts Jean's forward progress by wrapping his fist around his end of the breadstick and shoving it as deep as he can into Jean's open mouth before quickly pulling it out again.
"Hck!"
With this distraction, Connie successfully escapes by jumping onto Krista and Ymir's table. Wheezing, Jean manages to yell, "Connie, what the hell?"
Connie inspects his slobbery bread. "I'd say about 12 cm," he guesses, using the tooth marks and gleaming saliva to guestimate just how far he managed to shove Mina's bread into Jean's mouth. "Not bad."
He dodges easily when Jean clambers onto the table and tries to grab him, dancing back over to Mina's and Annie's table; on a whim, he tries to force the breadstick into Annie's mouth. The blonde glares at him but keeps her mouth shut, so Connie playfully beats the wet loaf of bread around her face a couple times before dropping it in front of Mina again.
"Connie!" Jean thunders, his hands going straight for Connie's neck. Connie barely escapes again by somersaulting backwards onto the table, leaving Jean to crash messily into Annie instead.
What happens next, Connie would have missed had he blinked; Annie grabs Jean's shirt and, while remaining seated, does something fancy with her legs hooking around Jean's knees to send him face-first into the floor.
"Just eat your stupid lunch and leave me out of this," she says calmly.
Connie hopes that he won't ever get on her bad side.
Marco comes over then, helping a manly-tearful Jean off the floor and restraining him at the same time. Connie takes this as his chance to retreat, shooting Mikasa a look.
(See, doesn't that just scream super erotic)
Unfortunately, Mikasa seems to have lost interest—and she's back to her staring contest with Annie.
Well then. If Jean and Annie wasn't enough to convince Mikasa, then he'll just have to keep showing her some more examples.
Next time: Armin faces the consequences of his unwise actions...
"Give it up, Krista. I'm sorry, but he's gone."
"You're not sorry at all!"
"Whatever, the trap's dead."