***** This chapter contains a brief reference to SEAL's Steve has served with (in MY 5-0 alternate universe) - you don't need to have read my other stories to understand that these are men he loved, his 'brother's in arms' *****
After dinner they all sat on the deck visiting. Steve grew quiet and he excused himself fairly early to go to bed.
After showering he went to his room and lying on the bed, he dialed Cath's number.
She answered quickly, "Steve?"
"Hi Cath, how are you doing?"
"How am I doing? I'm fine...my God how are you?"
"I'm good. I'm still a little tired but the recovery is going well"
"I'm so happy to hear that, I've been so worried about you"
"You don't have to worry about me, you know that"
She paused slightly "Steve...I feel so terrible about what I've done"
"Cath please... I meant everything I said to you. I love both of you very much... and I want you to be happy. Billy is a great man, he's my brother and my love for the two of you will never change"
"Steve...oh God dear sweet Steve..."
They were both crying as Steve said softly, "Catherine..."
"It would be so much easier if you hated me. You don't deserve to be hurt like this, especially by two people who love you..." Through her sobs she continued, "You're the greatest man I've ever known and I'm so ashamed of myself"
"Catherine, don't do this...please. You have no reason to be ashamed or sorry. You followed your heart and that's all anyone can do. God Cath, I'm so proud of you for doing what was right for you...for having the strength to do it. I'm not going to lie to you, it hurts, but Catherine I can't go on if I think you're miserable. All I've ever wanted was for you to be happy, please believe that"
Her voice choked with emotion as she said, "I do believe you….thank you"
They talked for almost an hour ending by agreeing to contact each other at least every other week.
Steve struggled with his emotions throughout the call, not wanting to break down, wanting to be strong for her. He kept the conversation upbeat talking about their Ohana and reminiscing on good times.
When he hung up the phone he set it onto the nightstand and hugging a pillow tightly to his body he curled up into a fetal position and burying his face into another pillow. His still bruised body ached as he sobbed uncontrollably. He cried for a long time finally glancing at his watch noting it was after eleven o'clock. His head hurt and he decided at that moment that he needed a beer…..or maybe a few…
He made his way quietly down the stairs seeing the glow of the television which was turned down low as to not disturb him, as Danny would tell him, McGarrett house rule 120 or something like that. He smiled softly at his friend who had a blanket pulled up over his head and moving into the kitchen he opened the fridge and grabbing three beers he exited the house and made his way down to the water's edge.
Danny heard the fridge open and pulling the blanket down he waited a moment, expecting Gracie to re-emerge from the kitchen. Once he heard the sliding glass door open and close he made his way into the room. He went to the door and watched as Steve walked across the darkened lawn. He decided it was best to give him some time alone so after waiting about half an hour he made his way towards the water.
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As he sat in the chair next to his partner Steve asked, "Do you want a beer?"
Holding out his hand Danny replied, "Sure….thanks. You probably shouldn't be drinking you know"
"I haven't taken any pain meds in more than a week Danny"
"Yeah, but you're still recovering internally"
"I appreciate the concern partner. I've only had a couple"
"So are you alright?"
"I called Cath….."
"Oh. So I ask again, are you alright?"
"No Danny, I'm not" His voice cracked with emotion and said softly, "Damnit I love her so much…."
Danny replied quietly, "I know and you still do. Do you want to talk about it?"
"I don't really know what there is to say. I thought we had something really special Danny"
"You did Steve. My God you two were together for more than ten years…that is special"
"If I had asked her to marry me sooner...…if I had been able to get over these damn commitment issues I have…..everything could have been so different"
"You know more than most people that you can't live on 'what if's' Steve. I mean really? What if your Mom hadn't disappeared when you were sixteen? What if you hadn't been sent to live with relatives? What if you hadn't become a SEAL? What if you hadn't served with Freddy and Chris and Aaron and Tony? What if you had never served with Billy or met Cath? ..."
Steve lifted his hand, "Enough Danny okay...what's your point here?"
Danny sighed, "My point Steve is that everything you've gone through, every death you've suffered through, every hardship you've endured has made you the man you are"
Steve dropped his beer bottle onto the sand and as he sat forward in his chair placing his hands over his face. In the moonlight Danny saw his friend's shoulder's heave as he sobbed. He waited a few minutes allowing Steve time to compose himself before he again spoke, "Steve I know this hurts like hell and I'm so sorry you're going through this. Right now you don't think you'll ever get over this, but you will"
Steve was staring straight ahead at the dark Ocean as he said, "Does it ever get easier?"
"Yes it does...but it takes time babe. All I can tell you is I love you, Chin and Kono love you and Gracie, man you're her world and you need to never forget that"
Steve voice shook as he turned to his partner, "Thank you Danno, I love you too"
After a few minutes of silence Steve said, "I've been trying to reach Doris all week"
"You've left messages for her?"
"Yeah at least a dozen, but she hasn't called me back"
"I'm sure she's okay Steve"
Steve chuckled, "Oh I'm sure she is Danny...but I need to find her. She killed an agent and she needs to pay for that"
"What are you saying?"
"You heard me right. Doris did the unthinkable and I don't care if she my Mother...no one is above the law Danny"
"Okay Steve, that's honorable and I guess it doesn't surprise me to hear you say it but I don't think you should move so quickly"
"What do you mean?"
"Think about buddy. As long as Wo-Fat is free Doris is in danger. Right now she's the safest if she's on the run. What she did is horrible and you're right, she should pay for that but it happened twenty years ago and I think you need to slow down. If you tell her what you know now...hell Steve, you might never see her again, she's pretty damn good at hiding"
"I love her and yet when I do see her again, I'll be turning her in"
"Steve, you're going to do what you need to do. I know I sound kind of hypocritical since I let Matty walk like I did"
"Matt didn't kill anyone...let alone his partner. I couldn't live with myself if I let her walk knowing what I know"
"I understand... but we need to do this right babe"
"I hear you Danno and you're right" His voice cracked with emotion, "Damn it buddy, she's my Mom and I love her"
Danny said softly, "I know"
The two men sat and talked until the sun began to rise.
Steve looked to his friend, "Danny…..thank you brother"
"You bet. I told you that I'm here for you and I meant it. You're the best friend I've ever had Steve and you mean the world to me"
Steve sighed softly, "I know I've told you this before but you saved me Danny. After my Dad was killed I was devastated and...…I don't think I would have got through that time without you...and then you risked everything by coming into North Korea for me. I expected that type of action from Joe and the other SEAL's because that's what we're trained to do and any one of us would lay down our lives for each other. It's not that I ever thought that you wouldn't act in the same way, but when you did, it spoke volumes because of what you risked. Coming after me could have landed you in prison or worse. Danny, you risked your life with Gracie, your future with her...how could you do that for me? I've never in my life felt such deep love. You are the brother I never had, and Gracie...I don't even have words to describe how I feel about that little angel" Steve's eyes welled with tears, "I was still reeling from North Korea when Doris reappeared...God Danny what she did to me and Mary... and my Dad...it's horrible but none of that can compare to what she did when she murdered that agent. She served her country and then in a split second she destroyed everything"
Danny then said, "Take things one day at a time Steve and I'm going to say it again...I'm here for you and I always will be"
Steve replied, "Thank You brother"
The men stood and embraced warmly before heading into the house hoping to get a little sleep before Gracie woke.
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They had a quiet day around the house and when Gracie returned from school the three of them went out for burgers and then they rented a couple of movies for the night.
As they were entering the house at a about seven thirty Danny's phone rang.
Steve listened intently as Danny spoke, "Well that's not going to work...is he saying what it's about?...Yeah, okay I'll be there at nine"
As he hung up, Steve asked "What's that about?"
"That was Warden Gibson at Halawa, apparently Ricky Norman is insisting on talking to me. I need to meet with him tomorrow morning"
Gracie gasped, "Danno no…our hike is tomorrow"
"Gracie, I'm sorry but I have to work…..we'll have to postpone"
Steve looked at them both and then said, "We could go by ourselves Gracie"
The men's eyes connected and Danny grinned softly. Steve knew how much he HATED hiking and he was giving him an out. He said, "Are you sure you're up to this Steve?"
"Yes Danny. I feel great, I promise you. Both Gracie and I are looking forward to this. Chin could use some help following up with Romono's family anyway. This is Gracie buddy, if I couldn't handle it I wouldn't be doing it"
Danny turned to Gracie, "So what do you think? Can you take care of Superman all by yourself?"
The little girl smiled broadly, "Uh huh, I'll make sure he behaves himself"
Steve chuckled, "Oh you will, will you?"
His response prompted laughter from the child as she replied, "Yup"
Danny then stated, "Okay, but I'm serious here…..Gracie he CANNOT CARRY YOU. You have to walk and it's two miles each way, that means you'll be WALKING for about three hours so are you sure you can do that?"
"Yes, I can do that…I love to walk. I'm sorry you'll miss the fun though Daddy"
Danny smiled, "I'm sorry I'm going to miss out too baby but I'm sure you two will have fun"
***** This chapter ended up being longer than I thought, so sorry but the hike IS coming up next ! Hope you're enjoying and please let me know what you think ! Hope you all watch tonight's episode, it looks awesome ! *****