~ Ymir ~

Induce the Big O Face in Krista as many times as possible in a single day? Krista's gotten better at swallowing her wonderfully loud cries, but the face is all that's required. Check.

Steal tiny amounts of food from Sasha's secret stash? Check.

Blame the missing food on some other poor sap (Reiner this time) and watch him suffer the consequences? Check.

Rib on Connie on his lack of height and brains? Check.

Embarrass Jean in front of Mikasa? Connie's already done that today, so check.

Reinforce the concept that Armin is indeed a trap? Check, made even better in the fact that, despite his brains, Armin doesn't know what the term means.

Rile Eren up into a seething rage and hopefully getting a rise out of Mikasa's usual poker face in the process? She's already set that plan into motion.

Taunt Marco on his ambiguous relationship with Jean? Gotta get on that; she's falling behind.

Stalk Annie during her midnight excursions? Ymir hasn't successfully ever figured out just what Annie does then, because she always manages to slip away… but one day, Ymir will find out.

Find another way to make Bertolt sweat more than usual? Not yet, but she has her ideas.

Ymir wipes her forehead of sweat as she completes her mental checklist. Whew. Being a troll is hard work.

Wait, what about Krista? She fetches the mental checklist again and sighs in relief upon spotting Krista at the top. Five Big O Faces so far. She's getting good, but her record is six; fortunately, she has another four hours till midnight, and nighttime is the perfect time for sneaking away. Despite Instructor Shadis' curfew at ten, Ymir has her ways.

Never mind that she discovered most of these techniques by tailing Annie. Damn, that witch be cray-cray, even if she's great at being sneakily secretive and mysterious. If Ymir wasn't so crazy about Krista, it might have been a major turn-on… but meh. Even making Bertolt sweat (though she seriously loves messing with that guy's head) pales in comparison to Krista—and hey, it's not like she's head over heels in love with that little blonde girl. It's not like she'd give up her life for Krista. She definitely wouldn't throw herself from a tower into a raging crowd of Titans to save that blonde's life, no way. It's just that their lives and their relationships with their families parallel each other so much that Ymir couldn't help but feel a certain companionship towards Krista Lenz, way back when she was just a name and not a face.

Now she's a face and Ymir thoroughly enjoys milking it for all she's worth. Two more Big O Faces in four hours. It shouldn't be too hard, especially since Krista's bright blonde hair stands out even in the darkness of night.

There, right there! That bright head of golden hair is barely visible through a man-shaped hole in the wall of the boys' bathroom. Ymir moves on autopilot, her footfalls landing almost silently upon the hard-packed dirt, her eyes scouting out the best way to slip through the splintered hole in the wall that looks suspiciously a lot like Jean with a bulge in his pants. Huh.

The target is facing away from her, which is the perfect position for a surprise strike. In a single practiced movement, Ymir dashes through Jean's man hole, shoves her tongue down the blonde's ear, and squeezes That Special Place for a guaranteed Sixth Big O Face of the Day.

"Waugh!"

Thump.

Ew. This doesn't taste like Krista at all.

"You!" Ymir shrieks in horror, scrambling away on her hands and feet like a terrified crab. "You… you trap! And I fell for it!"

Armin covers one ear with one hand; the other holds the back of his left knee. "What did you do to me?" he yells, also backing up until he trips over a limp body.

Marco gasps back to life as Armin lands on him. "Ah! Whassa going on?"

"The back of your head was so ridiculous," Ymir justifies, "That it couldn't be anyone other than—"

"The back of my head has cracks in it, thanks to you!" retorts Armin. "And why did you molest the back of my knee?"

Ymir growls, "That was supposed the back of Krista's knee!"

Marco's face dawns with comprehension as he tries to escape from underneath Armin. "But you… and Krista… that Big O Face… but I thought…" He mimes grabbing Armin's crotch.

"What are you doing?" Armin squeals, rocketing off Marco's body and sliding to the nearest wall. "Marco, what's come over you?"

"What kind of sick pervert are you?" Ymir cries from the other side of the bathroom. "Why would I do that to Krista?"

A long and awkward silence would have stretched between the three of them had not a very welcome voice cried, "Did somebody call for me?"

Ymir explodes through the thin walls of the bathroom (good thing they're built with only a single panel of wood) in her hurry to escape Marco's inappropriate questions and the trap's evil clutches. "Krista! Leave! Now!" she commands, grabbing Krista's hand and yanking her along.

"Ymir?" Krista yelps, stumbling slightly before regaining her balance and keeping pace. "Is there something so dangerous inside the boys' bathroom that you had to break through the wall right next to the door?"

Ymir glances back, confirming that, yes, there is now a Ymir-shaped hole in the wall directly next to the bathroom entrance. She also sees Armin framed in that open entrance, a conniving, calculating expression on his face. "Yes, we have to escape now! Before the trap activates again!"

It's not until Ymir has practically thrown Krista into a stall in the girls' restroom and latched the door shut behind them that she deems them safe. After all, this is a military training camp for prepubescent trainees, and so the girls' bathroom is the most fortified building on campus in order to keep the minds of its young men on track.

Hopefully the two-panel walls of the girls' bathrooms will be enough to keep Armin and Marco out.

Krista remains seated on the toilet in the dim lighting of the tiny bathroom stall. "Are we safe from prying eyes now?" she questions, the slightly inviting smile on her lips amplified by her skin-revealing outfit of a tight black tank top and red hot pants.

Ymir drags her eyes away from Krista and scouts out the area first, getting on her tiptoes to peer over the top of the stall door. The several candles positioned strategically around the room cast flickering lights and shadows onto the wooden walls, but other than that, there appears to be no other forms of movement within the bathroom commons. "We're alone," she proclaims, facing Krista again. "Just in case, though, we should probably hide out here for a while, until they stop looking for me." She smirks, reaching for Krista in the tiny, confined space. "And I was hoping that you'd keep me company…"

Krista's face lights up enthusiastically. "Perfect! Ymir, I wanted to show you this." Her arms cross as she stands up, her fingertips gripping the bottom hem of her tank top. Slowly and seductively, she begins to pull her that skimpy black tank top upwards.

Ymir's eyes bulge and her jaw falls to the floor and there's only one word whirring around in tiny circles in her mind: BOOBS BOOBS EEEHEEHEE YESH BOOBS.

"Ta-da!" the blonde cries joyfully as a cloud of glimmering sparkles and beautiful rose petals descends upon her heavenly form, surrounding Ymir as she stares in amazement at…

"Uh… aren't you going to pull up your tank top up a couple more centimeters?" Ymir suggests with all the graceful subtlety of a rampaging rhino.

Krista shakes her head slowly, tossing her gorgeous golden locks about. "You can see them just fine! My abs!"

Flashback – Six months ago

"Ymir! I listened to what you said about me totally being able to make it into the Military Police! I'm going to do it! I'm going to make it into Top Ten!"

Ymir smiled triumphantly. "You're already there," she said.

Krista looked doubtful. "I'm not so sure… but I'm going to work out with Mikasa every day until I'm just as confident in myself as you are in me!"

Mikasa… that freakish oriental girl with the rippling muscles and hardcore abdominals? Lightning and thunder and detonating fireballs shattered Ymir's mind, making her unable to talk for several seconds. Then she exploded, grasping Krista's wrists with both of her hands and pulling her so close that their noses were touching. "If you're going to work on making anything bigger, make sure the boobs come first, okay? Promise me!"

"But Ymir—"

"Boobs first! Abs later."

Return to present

Krista has a six-pack.

A very nice six-pack. It's not as good as Eren's or Jean's, but it's there and in her face and they're nothing like boobs.

"I've been working out with Mikasa every day for the past six months," boasts Krista proudly. "There are days when she's pushed me so hard that my ovaries hurt, but it's really paid off!" She drops the hem of her tank top and flexes her biceps. "Check these out! I lifted more kilograms than Dazz and Nack combined today!"

"Noooo!" Ymir screams, falling to her knees. "Kristaaaa…"

"And it's all thanks to Mikasa," Krista concludes, before noticing her friend's pity party puddle on the floor. "…Ymir?"

"No… why?"

"You were supposed to be happy for me," Krista pouts, folding her arms and cocking one hip to the side and all Ymir can do is wonder why those movements make her deltoids and calf muscles bulge so much because it's not sexy at all…

Someone knocks loudly on their bathroom stall—not on the door, though, but on the wall to the side, coming from somebody in the stall next to them. "Krista, it's Mikasa. Jean could not tell me how to make my abdominals smaller."

Ymir reacts first, putting her fist easily through the wall separating their stalls. On the other side, Mikasa simply moves her head three centimeters to the side so that Ymir's fist only just brushes her hair. Roaring in fury, Ymir punches with her other fist—and when that misses too, she pummels the wall until she completely smashes it down. "Mikasa!" she thunders, panting heavily.

Mikasa only stands there quietly with her poker face concealing all emotion. A tiny part of Ymir's mind notes that she won't be able to get a rise out of this girl unless she messes directly with Eren or Armin. Cogs in her mind start whirring with possible, mostly-harmless pranks…

"Ymir, you're hurt!" Krista cries, grabbing one of Ymir's wrists and attempting to pull it down to her level. When Ymir tries to hotly deny this by pulling her fist back up, pain lances down her arm. It's only then that she notices the hundreds of splinters in her hands and arms, all with little trickles of blood streaming from them. She needs a blunt weapon that isn't her hands…

Snarling, Ymir pushes Krista to the side and grabs a roll of toilet paper. She throws her new weapon at Mikasa, whereupon it bops harmlessly off her enemy's head.

"Ouch," Mikasa says flatly. "My feelings."

Ymir needs more deadly weapons.

~ Connie Springer ~

Connie finally finds Mikasa when she runs out of the women's restroom with a long strip of toilet paper stuck to her shoe. "Hey, Mika—"

Mikasa is followed shortly by a manic Ymir, who chucks a toilet—an entire toilet, with water still sloshing out of its bowl—after her with a vengeance. A drenched Krista trails after Ymir, crying at her to stop, and that's when Connie realizes that he hasn't breaded Krista yet.

~ Ymir ~

Ymir doesn't care how the girls' bathroom is probably flooding with backflow; the toilets and the sinks were the only things that she could get her hands on that might put a dent in Mikasa's stupid head, so she'd gone for them. Krista's attempts to stop her were rewarded with sprays of harmless water that Ymir didn't heed—even now, she ignores Krista telling her to back down.

Until Krista goes mysteriously silent.

She whirls around, silently dreading the possibility that Mikasa might have teleported back to Krista and kidnapped her and is currently making her do more curl-ups or pull-ups or some other horrible form of exercise that slowly replaces Krista's soft femininity with pure man-muscle.

What she sees is even worse: Connie about to shove a loaf of bread down Krista's throat.

It's not something she ever would have done if the victim hadn't been Krista. Never in her entire life would Ymir take a man's bread into her mouth; she just doesn't swing that way. But for Krista… to spare Krista from that horrible fate, she would.

With her own teeth, she rips the bread from Connie's hand in a flying tackle reminiscent of Sasha's previous actions, complete with burning red eyes that simmer in the darkness. Just for good measure, she makes sure to chomp it into bits and pieces before spitting it all out in disgust. "Keep that away from Krista, ya dumb midget!" she booms threateningly. "Shove it down Reiner's throat. I swear, he'll actually like it."

Connie seems to take this into consideration—and in that moment in which he's distracted, Ymir sweeps Krista off her feet and carries her off, bridal-style, towards the second most fortified building of the camp: the girls' sleeping quarters.

There's an unconscious body slumped in front of the dorm. It looks like somebody pushed his face into the dirt for several meters before just leaving him there with his butt high in the air and his mouth full of soil. When Ymir slaps dat ass, he jerks back to life, brilliant green eyes blinking wearily.

Krista tries to hop out of Ymir's arms, but Ymir holds the little blonde fast. "Eren!" says Krista. "Are you okay?"

Eren leans to the side and hacks up earth. "Blegh. Bluh. Blondes."

"You haven't found the trap yet?" Ymir jeers.

"He's not a trap!" Eren protests angrily. "Armin didn't do this to me; it was Annie!" The anger suddenly evaporates, giving way to sincere worry. "Krista! You have a blonde-radar, don't you? Blondes! Tell me where they are!"

"Exhibit A," Ymir snickers, squeezing the back of Krista's knee.

"Oh! Ymir, don't!" She turns her full concentration to Eren. "Ah… Ah… Annie's snooping around in the forest… *pant* a-and Reiner's carrying Bertolt bridal-style back to bed, and *gasp* Ah… Oh! Armin was… Ymir, please stop! We saw him half an hour ago at the boys' bathroom!"

Eren nails Ymir with a very suspicious glare. "You didn't happen to molest Armin at first sight, did you?"

"What?" The laugh that comes out of her mouth is so weak that even Krista, in the middle of her throes of passion, takes a moment to look upon Ymir with skepticism. Ymir just squeezes Krista's Special Place harder while blurting, "No! Why would I do that?"

"Aaaahh!"

"Because every time you see Krista," explains Eren pointedly, "You do something perverted like grab her boobs or stick your tongue down her ear or do whatever you're doing now—"

Ymir furiously rips off Krista's knee-high boot and slaps Eren in the face with the floppy end. "Shut up we're going to bed goodnight and don't follow us in you creeper pervert!"

"Armin better not be emotionally scarred when I find him!" Eren shouts before Ymir slams the bedroom door shut on him.

Ymir doesn't even care that there are already tons of girls quietly getting ready for bed. Mina is stripping down to the bare minimums before she slips under the covers and Hannah's writing a stupid love letter to Franz by candlelight (or Erejean yaoi porn for Sasha), but Ymir ignores them in favor of throwing Krista onto her mattress and jumping her bones, right then and there.

She'll kill Mikasa when the girl gets back. For now, she's just going to relax by sticking her tongue down Krista's ear.

"Ah! Ymir! Gross!"

And she tastes like perfection.

Next time: Eren swears his revenge against an enemy of this world.

"Eren… What's in the bag?"

"It's Connie's bag, can't you tell? Just bread."

"Baguettes don't usually cry for help."