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Chapter Two – Bye, Base
~OUTSIDE RED BASE~
As usual, there was a lot of stuff happening at once in and around the RED base.
For example, a bed frame flew from one of the second storey windows and exploded quite dramatically into several firewood-like pieces when it hit the ground.
Engy sighed as he watched said spectacle from the kitchen window. Darn teammates. Couldn't they be average for once, he thought sadly, casually placing another chunk of solid metal into a sandwich.
The Spy, also, seemed to be in quite the pissy mood. He had nothing to contribute to this whole packing fiasco and- Fiasco. Spy decided he liked the word fiasco. It- it didn't even sound like a real word! Ha ha! Hours of entertainment!
At that moment Heavy and Sasha came barrelling through the rec room and accidently nudged the Spy. With the force of a speeding train. The two (well, three with the minigun) of them zoomed unnecessarily past the nearest door just in time to intercept a sprinting-at-light-speed Scout and make one Helluva mess of most of their organs in the fray.
Pyro flounced into the room after that, merrily waving to the pile of partially-dead mercs rather than doing anything constructive. Instead it pulled a fully-assembled tea set out its rainbow, glowing rucksack and exchanged a little banter with the Balloon family, making just enough noise to block out their teammates' groaning.
Appropriately Medic chose then to walk in. He wearily took in the sight of half a Spy crawling across the room, and a twitchy Scout still attempting to run despite the fact he was pinned under an unconscious Heavy Weapons Guy.
"I should really get paid for zhis," the doctor muttered, stowing the Thing From the Drawer in his pocket and grabbing the Quick Fix.
Insert healing montage here.
Sniper appeared next, dragging a pile of wooden planks and the Demoman holding onto them like a man lost at sea. In fairness he was drunk enough the world was swaying, so the scenario kind of worked out in his noggin.
That left just Engy and Soldier to conveniently enter the rec room just after everybody else magically figured out that's where they were meeting. Maybe the pocket buddies told them.
Soon enough an awfully anxious-looking Engineer hurried to the party and seemed unwilling to explain what the matter was. Eventually he raised a shaky arm to point out the garage and numbly followed as the REDs went to check it out.
~BASE GARAGE~
"SOLDIER." Scout's sugar rush abruptly crashed in shock. "THE HELL?"
Dear old Solly didn't see what the problem was;
"What? It's just my car." He saluted proudly, standing beside it. Heavy had a reasonable point to make though,
"Is not car." Soldier stared blankly at him. "Is tank."
Soldier barely reacted; "Well, yeah. What the Hell else would it be?" Spy marvelled in the fact that the offense class genuinely saw no problems with this whatsoever. Then he thought for just a second about their tiny garage and asked;
"Where exactly have you been keeping it this entire time?"
All of a sudden the speakers that had remained completely inactive for Gaben knows how long crackled to life and the Administrator yelled how it wasn't their job to be applying logic to any given situation ever. The Engineer had crept into the room for hardly a second before she anticipated his objection and screamed 'DO NOT QUESTION US' before all the speakers exploded into shards of uselessness.
…
"So we drivin' to the mountains or what?" Sniper questioned boredly, gesturing loosely toward the tank. Demo sprung off the floor with a cry of 'HECK YEAH' and made a couple of air guitar motions for emphasis. That put Pyro on board, who took a driving scarf from its bag, and for some reason a portable fan so the scarf would be fun and billow twenty-four-seven.
"Wait, does this mean…?" Scout turned to Soldier, and through some weird-ass telepathic link they both knew to simultaneously shout, "ROAD TRIP!" The pair of them high fived and leapt somewhat gracefully (except not) into the tank.
Medic and Archimedes swapped solemn expressions of farewell then clambered in too, figuring they hadn't much choice in the matter. Plus they could finally test the ÜberTank trick they'd been working on.
His generally pseudo-wise influence is probably what made Heavy struggle headfirst into Soldier's so-called car, with a little help from the Demoman and Pyro jumping impatiently on top of him. Sniper impassively waited until that business was outta the way then followed, shoving the scarred Engineer ahead of him.
Spy eventually succumbed to peer pressure and so began the ultimate Road Trip Before The Hiking Trip Trip. We'll call it RTBTHTT, not to be confused with GFDGOTGS. (See Shopping Trip, folks)
For some reason a modern day dashboard was in the tank, complete with a steering wheel actually shaped like America. Soldier dug out his key-with-fluffy-raccoon-key-ring and started her up.
"Hm, nearly outta fuel. We've got to stop at the city first!" he announced, humming loudly as he drove off to cover Engy's plea of;
"NO! THE CIVVIES!" He hugged Teddy Roosebelt in the back corner of the tank, practically crying, "Think of the civviiiies…" By this point he became pretty glad it was too dark for anyone to see him, when with a little click a lamp from Pyro's bag illuminated the interior in faintly pink light. "Dammit."
They cruised for the city teleporter leaning against the wall, quietly confident they would fit through it. Well, more not seeing any flaws in their plan and not really thinking through the concept of further destroying their base.
"Uh, possibly a stupid question, but, is zhis loaded?" Medic asked, noting how close the turret was to hitting the wall. Soldier only grinned manically in response, then they hit the teleporter.
~CITY ONE~
"Well that's a bloody miracle," Sniper observed, probably referring to the fact they hadn't all died in a tank crash. The slightly more intellectual REDs sighed in relief and left the excitable offense classes to their miniature party up front. Pyro had brought a cake and everything.
While Engy buried himself in fluffy pocket buddies the rest of the mercs waited for the inevitable things-being-crushed noises and screaming civilians.
Oh, there we go, that sounded like a dumpster being squished beyond recognition.
"OKAY, UM," Soldier briefly addressed the team over one shoulder, "It's been… some time… since I took out the tank. Aboutfouryears."
Awkward pause.
"You do have licence, though, da?" Heavy checked dubiously, regretting it immediately.
"The Hell's a licence?" Soldier finally got them off the pavement, turning to Heavy with a puzzled frown. In the end he didn't give anyone time to answer, "Ooh, we're here!" He popped out the top of the tank and didn't miss how every single person within about a mile was staring at him. "As you were, maggots!" He saluted, hopping out and sauntering to the nearest petrol pump.
Yeah. That's how tanks work.
Meanwhile, still inside the vehicle;
"Hey, hey guys. Guys. GUYS." Reluctantly, the team paid attention to Scout. "Can we get snacks?"
"NO." Spy said rather sternly, hiding his wallet.
"Aw, please? Imma bother you all 'til ya say yeah. I gotta song that'll get on yer nerves-"
"SOMEONE GIVE HIM MONEY AND THROW HIM OUT!" the Engineer cried, continuing his small mental breakdown.
Heavy obliged - quite literally - for two reasons; one, he always carried crazy amounts of money (remember on Halloween when he gave that kid seven thousand dollars) and two, he easily had the ability to throw Scout places.
The runner returned not two seconds later with a lot of Bonk and a microwave. Fortunately it made sense because Pyro had a power outlet, a very long extension lead, and some popcorn.
Soldier jumped back into the tank a little after and closed it in a hurry;
"HOO-AH! Let's go!" He quickly drove off, "And just for the record, we are now criminals. I didn't pay. TEN HUT."
"Oh." Medic went through the small series of twitches that accompanied his processing of unwelcome information. "Zhat's just perfect." Police sirens started their all-too-commonly-heard by these guys wail in the background. "…Right."
The doctor strode to the dashboard, finding a little gaming computer with a keyboard (the E key mostly worn off) and got to work.
The team watched in bewilderment as Medic proceeded to operate the tank's turret and blow up not only their pursuers but about eight buildings. Medic remained completely at some sort of distorted peace the whole time, smiling pleasantly.
Nine eyes, one pair of goggles, one of aviators and one of gasmask lenses stared blankly at him for a few moments, when a high-pitched ding shattered the silence and Pyro screamed 'POPCORN IS DONE!'
And like that the event was forgotten.
Then the Demoman, sitting in the middle of the floor, posed a conundrum of philosophy, "How do babies think?" Wait what. "They dunno any words yet so wha' d'they hear? I miss the days when Nessie and unicorns were friends. When the cats had pet dinosaurs. I like dinosaurs."
"Gentlemen, allow me." Spy used Wake-Up Slap! It's super effective!
"Ow," Demo said, more of a 'dude what the Hell' than an actual expression of pain, "Woah. Where are we?"
Pyro pulled out a full-colour diagram of the situation, drawing a crayon line from the little tank picture to a happy wee mountain topped with a rainbow. Demo nodded slowly with a critical gaze as though he was over viewing an extremely important document, then belched and contentedly sat still for a while.
So continued the RTBTHTT.
~FIFTEEN MINUTES LAYTURRR~
"Okay man, left, left… other left, OTHER LEFT OH CRAP-"
Scout's less-than-admiral sense of direction put another dent in the car they were trying to park beside. Soldier reversed the tank back again, yelling 'BEEP' like trucks do because that's cool, apparently. It proceeded to crush another car on the other side of the car park, then of all things the turret swung around and took out the roof of a minibus.
"… We're here!" Soldier announced brightly, stopping where they were, "Move out let's go go go!"
The team bustled out of the tank and powerwalked away, casting none-too-subtle glances either way to make sure no one saw them.
And there it was. The mountain. Heavy cracked his knuckles;
"LET HIKING TRIP BEGIN."
Once upon a time, in a story about emotion, misery, quarrels and bookstores, an author by the name of Maggot Magnet nicknamed the Engineer 'Enchilada'. I thought about that today and burst out laughing in dead silence ^^
Thanks for reading! :D