Thanks for revewing you guys! :D
Chapter Three – Happy Hiking
~THAT BIT OF NON-MOUNTAIN BEFORE THE MOUNTAIN~
"So what does a hiking trip actually entail then?" Spy asked with over-nonchalance, "I only ask for the benefit of the less educated of us, of course…" And that is how you act like you've been on hiking trips before.
Skating over the obvious insult to ideally everyone, Sniper answered in laymen's terms;
"Y'go hikin'. Up the mountain." He pointed it out, just in case someone missed it.
"Thank you," Spy responded slowly, drowning the team with sarcasm. "I'll do that."
"YAY LET'S GO!" Scout cartwheeled, remembered he actually couldn't, and got stuck halfway in an awkward almost-handstand.
The REDs sighed and walked on past, until Heavy gave in to temptation and pushed him over. Fun fact; nothing on this Earth looks more ridiculous than a Heavy giggling and running ahead of the mercs with both arms in the air.
Well, the part where he fell on his face came a close second.
They moseyed along, content enough to pretend that never happened (like most of the things they do) and found there was a wee trail leading to the mountain. Aw, how nice! Now they were guaranteed to meet someone else going for a walk today.
Wait.
They were guaranteed to meet other people.
Oh. Crap.
"Ah was feelin' happier until the narrative pointed that out," Engy commented wistfully. He tried to think through some practical problems to take his mind off it. At that point the Scout, having been left on the ground for a while, caught up and yelled;
"GUYS. This purple monkey just talked to me!"
"Silly Scout," Demo said in a particularly weird voice, "You must've hit your head on the ground is all. Carry on walking because I'm so drunk I'm gonna fall over argh."
Medic facepalmed.
~ABOUT FIFTY FEET FURTHER ALONG THE TRAIL~
"Hudda?" Pyro offered, holding out a bunch of flowers for the team to take. When no one reacted it pulled a flare gun on them until the threatened and highly uncomfortable mercs all had a little flower to look after.
They didn't fail to notice the flare gun wasn't put away either.
"SO THIS IS NICE," Soldier exclaimed loudly, as if that would make it true."Kinda wish something entertaining would happen." Just then a gorge with a rather precarious rope bridge appeared ahead of them. "…Yeah that oughta do it."
"I think we established this before in a window-escape situation, but just in case; Heavy goes last," Spy said, minutely concerned at how this was gonna go down.
"Ja, ve just need an organised, safe vay of getting across." Medic had his leadership voice on, so everyone leaned in to hear his suggestion. "Like zhis. SCREW YOU ALL I'M GOING FIRST!"
The doctor took off, Archimedes flipping the others the bird (Ha haaa) as they raced for the bridge.
"OH HELL NAH." Engy shouted, suddenly out of his mental trauma and giving chase. Naturally Scout got involved within a moment;
"FORCE 'A NATURE JOINS THE RACE!"
Just like that the nine of them were at it, hitting each other with branches and rocks from the side of the path and sprinting frantically for the bridge. Medic and Engy were trying to strangle each other at the head of the pack, as was to be expected, Teddy and Archie brawling it out too.
Maybe this would be a nicer sort of event through Pyro's eyes.
~PYROLAND~
Pyro's teammates laughed loudly as they were washed in the bright glow of the rainblower, running around in glee. It smiled when someone jumped on its back and wrapped both arms around its neck; wee kid wanted a piggy back! How cute!
~REALITY~
The Demoman, still partially on fire, screamed incoherently as he attempted to throttle Pyro.
~PYROLAND~
Wow-ee, there were balloons and sparkles everywhere! Balloonicorn floated overhead, watching the mercs play like the excellent friends they were. It was almost like…
"Pyro!" the squishy unicorn whinnied, "It's a PARTY!"
Ooh, Pyro knew what that meant. Party poppers! Still dashing around with the Demoman on its back, the merc selected a party popper from its belt.
~CRUEL REALITY~
Just so damn close to the rope bridge, Engy and Medic continued to fight when suddenly a napalm grenade flew over their heads and promptly burned the bridge down to nothing.
The REDs abruptly froze like that was a signal. Now they were merely fighting for no reason. That, though the norm, simply wouldn't do. The nine severely battered and mostly incinerated mercs slowly congregated at the gorge for another quick healing session.
Pyro pouted because the party ended, but immediately perked up because it instantaneously forgets anything remotely sad. It figured it should pay attention to the conversation.
"… so we'll need to build a new bridge," the Engineer was saying, quite happy now they were building things. "Pyro, Ah don't suppose...?" Pyro gave him a skipping rope from its bag. "…Close enough." He turned to the forth wall. "PLANNIN' TIME, KIDS!"
Plan One;
First, get your biggest mercenary (we'll be using a Heavy Weapons Guy) to throw your lightest merc (Scout, for example) across the gorge/river/giant toilet/etcetera. Get them to hang over the edge.
Make sure you have an adult nearby for supervision.
Next, throw across another merc. It doesn't matter if they don't get all the way; just as long as they grab the first merc's feet. Repeat until your all out of mercs.
If you lost one or two, don't panic! You WILL need a good lawyer though. Seriously.
Oh man we should have mentioned this first- the last merc you throw across should have had the rope, and your biggest merc should have the other end. Hopefully you read this part in time, otherwise you're royally screwed.
Finally, your biggest merc should use the rope to raise your chain of mercs into a brand new bridge!
(Warning, very temporary and damn stupid solution)
"… There's a plan two, hopefully." Spy said, beginning to think he'd much rather have stayed in bed today.
Plan Two;
To be brutally honest, this plan pretty much gives the exact same result as the first one. What matters is, you all tried. Gold stars. Remember your responsible adult and safety equipment.
Y'know, funky glow in the dark stuff.
First of all, get your strongest mercenary (we're using Heavy again because he's about nine feet tall what do you expect.)
Referring to the TF2 height chart, make a tower of your mercs in size order. We have Engy at the top because he's short in a way that just makes you want to hug him.
Here's the tricky bit; there's about a fifty-fifty chance of less than ten percent of you making it out alive. Secure the rope at your side of whatever you're building a bridge over and give one end to the littlest merc. Now, get the strong merc to walk to the very edge.
BRAVERY TEST. Fall forward.
If all's gone well (which, frankly, we doubt) you should again have a bridge of mercs across the thing. The littlest merc, should they be breathing and conscious, can now fix the end of the rope to the far side.
You, friend, have just made a bridge. Take a moment to bask in your achievement.
We don't claim responsibility for any casualties, injuries, or miscellaneous bad things.
"… I like THIS plan!" Soldier exclaimed, "Foolproof! Let's go, men!"
Sniper, being the second tallest, was a tad more unhappy with the plan.
"Er, I've actually… got an appointment… right now." He sneakily started backing away. "Demo, mate, y'll cover for me okay byeee!" The marksman turned to run a second too late as Heavy grabbed him and placed him on his head.
Demo sticky jumped up next, landing surprising neatly with a dainty wee bow on Sniper's head. Medic awkwardly climbed up after him, followed by Spy who 'accidently' kicked everyone in the face on the way.
However Soldier rocket jumped, missed his mark and tackled the Frenchman to the ground again, where they both had the tedious task of scaling the merc tower once more.
Scout clambered after them in series of double jumps, then haxy airblast jumping Pyro and finally Engy (with the rope) hauled himself up too.
See, hauled. That was wordplay. Because he hauls buildings. That's the term. Ahem.
"Um, ready?" Heavy checked, suddenly uncertain as he shuffled toward the edge.
"BRAVERY TEST!" Demo yelled, which probably meant yes.
The second Heavy tipped forward and they started falling, Engy made a point;
"We did secure the other end of this here rope, right?"
…
"OH CRAP. OH CRAP."
"OHMYGODOHMYGOD!"
"LEAN BACK! LEAN THE HELL BACK!"
This was all quickly lost under a bout of high pitched screaming.
~ONE FRIGHTFULLY LARGE CRASH LATER~
Spy put on an impression of Wheatley's accent, "We are… not dead. We're not dead! Ha!"
"No, but ve are suspended over a seemingly bottomless gorge," Medic mused, debating which was worse.
"Right, uh, I would like ta point out that Engy's unconscious," Scout helpfully called back. "And we are… yeah we're now slipping."
Now, here there were two further plans put into motion at the same time which likely hindered their progress ever further, as half the mercs attempted to crawl backward and the others clawed themselves forward. Spy, pretty much in the middle, felt himself gradually become taller as the sub teams fought it out. He wondered if he should switch places with Medic now.
"Does this make any sense?" he asked no one in particular. "I mean really."
That led to the moment of anticipation- The Part Where the Gorge Kills You.
Engy chose said moment to wake up.
"Aw, what the heck's goin' on nowww?" Although it wasn't too difficult to work it out. Then he realised he was still in possession of the skipping rope. He could be a hero. Magically wearing a ten gallon hat, he somehow got the rope around the base of a nearby tree trunk and tied it in place.
Conveniently, Heavy fell the heartbeat he'd finished.
The Indiana Jones theme started playing as the merc-chain flopped into the gorge and swung across, smashing quite painfully into the far wall. Sadly nobody even had time to say 'Well at least we're safe' before a huge, splintering crack sounded above them as the tree toppled over…
And landed neatly across the gorge, just like a bridge.
"… HELL YEAH!" the team cried, pulling off some highfive manoeuvres.
Maybe that was the real plan the whole time.
Plans, many plans and references :p
Oh hey I did the Steam trading card thing, and if anybody wants a Heavy profile background let me know ;)
Thanks for reading! :D