CoCo
Chapter 23
The wedding was just around the corner. All the Squirrels and Tediz were very excited. It was gonna be huge! Kriplespac even made arrangements for all the silly stuff that CoCo wanted at her wedding. Yes, there was opera singers, sky-diving chipmunks, a jazz band, a circus, and even the pool of beer she wanted. CoCo wasn't going to be the DJ at this party. But she taught Scott how to DJ so that she could enjoy her wedding. A beautiful maternity wedding dress was made for her. The ceremony was about to start. Conker stood at the podium with a bottle of beer in his hand. His role was to be the priest. The Squirrels and the Tediz sat down in their seats. Simon was all dressed up in a cute little tux. There were tears in his eyes. Sneeker was CoCo's only bridesmaid. She was also crying. Even CoCo's parents were there! They could not believe that their daughter had actually accomplished something. They were so proud of her. A small Tediz Grunt named, Chad, sat at the organ. He popped his knuckles and commenced to play the familiar "Here Comes the Bride" tune. CoCo entered the room. All eyes turned towards her. A Tediz and a Squirrel accompanied her, throwing empty bullet shells instead of flowers. Hey, it was all they had. CoCo walked down the aisle with her head held high. She saw her groom waiting for her at the front of the aisle. He looked so handsome in that tux. She walked up beside him and he held her hand. Conker cleared his throat.
"We are all gathered here today for the matrimony of this Squirrel and this warlord." Conker hiccuped, half-drunk. He had trouble saying the word 'matrimony.' He blinked twice and continued, "You, Professor von Kriplespac, and you, CoCo, have come here to me signifying your desire to be formally united in marriage. Right?"
Both nodded.
Conker belched loudly. "Okay, good." He turns to Kriplespac. "Now do you, von Kriplespac, take this Squirrel as your lawfully wedded wife? Do you promise to love and cherish her, to honor and sustain her, in..in.." Conker scratches his head, thinking. "What's the line again?" He takes out a piece of paper and looks it over. "In sickness and in health," he continues, reading directly from his script. "In poverty as in wealth, in bad that may darken your days, in the good that may lighten your ways, and to be true to her in all things until death alone shall part you. Do you so promise?"
"I do," Kriplespac says with a nod."
"Kay," Conker hiccups. He turns to CoCo. He is still reading from his script. "And do you, CoCo, take this Weasel as your lawfully wedded husband? Do you promise to love and cherish him, to honor and sustain him, in sickness and in health, ya dee ya dee da, blah, blah, blah, and be true to him in all things until death shall you part. Do you promise all that?"
"I most certainly do!" CoCo shouted with glee.
Conker hiccups. "Okay. I think it's time for the rings. It is time for the rings, isn't it? Hey, who's got the rings? Ring-bearer! Hey, you're missing your cue!"
"Oh shit! That's me!" Simon said, quickly getting up. He ran up to the make-shift altar and held up the box of rings. Kriplespac grabbed one and put it on CoCo's finger. CoCo did likewise.
"I now pronounce you man and wife," burped Conker. "Now kiss."
CoCo and Kriplespac pressed their lips together. The whole audience sighed, "awwww".
"All right!" Conker shouted. "Let's partay!"
At that moment, disco balls dangled from the ceilings followed by flashing neon lights and loud music. Everybody whooped and started dancing, raising all sorts of hell. They were having a good time. Conker was the first to take a dive in the pool of beer. He enjoyed it. The whole party was just completely nuts.
The party had finally ended after what seemed like long hours of enthusiastic chaos. Conker was drunk off his ass. He sat by the door, wishing everybody a good night. Kriplespac and CoCo were plum tuckered out too. They started to head towards to door to leave.
"Hey, you two!" Conker said to them. "Congratulations! I had a really good time tonight."
"Thanks!" CoCo and Krip said in unison. "We're glad. Thank you for marrying us."
Conker raised his beer bottle at them and took a swig. "No problem."
"Well, good night," CoCo said to Conker.
"Y'all are so lucky," Conker said, making them stop in their tracks. "I wish I had what you two had. I could have, too. But I fucked it all up. God, I wish there was someway to get Berri back. I deserve something like this, too."
"Well, of course you do!" CoCo said. "Don't feel bad, Conker."
A tear rolled down his cheek. "Easy for you to say, you got what you wanted. Dammit, why did Berri have to die?" He cried and CoCo tried to comfort him.
Kriplespac was deep in thought. "Maybe zere is a vay to get her back..."
"How?" Conker asked.
"Vell, maybe I could try to reanimate her body?" Kriplespac suggested.
"Impossible," Conker said. "Her body is lost in space. And besides, I don't want her to be a zombie. It's useless. I appreciate your help. But the only guy who can bring people back from the dead is Gregg the Grim Reaper. And he's an asshole."
"Wait, did you say that the Grim Reaper's name is Gregg?" CoCo asked.
Conker nodded.
"Vell, zhen you know him?!" Krip asked.
"Yeah," Conker said. "I almost died once and he offered me the deal of a lifetime. If I collected Squirrel tails, then I would get an extra chance for each tale I collected, should I die again."
"Conker! That's brilliant!" CoCo exclaimed. "The answer had been right in front of you! Why don't you ask him to give Berri the same deal? Or maybe you can trade your tails in for Berri's life!"
Conker stopped crying and grinned big. "Hey, that is a great idea!" Conker squealed. "And I know how to get to the underworld without dying! Follow me, guys!"
Conker got up and started running. CoCo and Krip struggled to keep up. Conker led them into Windy. He went over to the cave where he had found the underworld when he went for a barrel ride. But to his dismay, the cave was sealed. Conker stood there in disbelief.
"I don't understand," he said. "There was a cave here, I swear. And it was not sealed like this. I opened it up somehow. Maybe I should retrace my steps. Don't go anywhere, I'll be back. I just gotta run up this hill by the windmill and-"
He stopped.
"Oh yeah, that's right," Conker said. "The windmill's gone...Damnit! Now how am I gonna get to the underworld. I'm just gonna kill myself!"
Conker started to head towards the river to drown himself, but CoCo stopped him.
"No, don't do that!" CoCo shrieked. "You need to save all your tails! There must be another way!"
"Oh, there is!" said a mysterious voice.
"Who said that," Conker asked, suddenly spooked.
"I did," said the voice. A figure stepped out of the shadows. It was the Birdy the Scarecrow..
"Birdy! Please tell me! What is the other way?" Conker asked, eager to know.
"The portal to the underworld will open 3 years from now. On June 6th, 3006."
"What? Why wait three years? Why won't it open now? What's so special about that date?"
"Because," boomed Birdy. "That is the next date of the Devil or something like that. You now, 666? The sixth day of the sixth month on a year that ends with 6. During the witching hour, too. That is when it opens."
"Well that's stupid!" Conker huffed. "I have to wait 3 years to revive Berri."
"Yeah, sorry about that, Conker," Birdy said with a hiccup. "I don't make the rules, I just enforce them. Well, see ya later."
Birdy disappears.
Conker frowned and crossed his arms. "Well that's just dumb!" he huffed. "I have to wait 3 cunting years! 3 years! I've been alone too long. I don't wanna wait anymore!"
"But there is nothing we can do about that," CoCo said. "I know how much you want this, but we can't get through. We're just gonna hafta wait."
Conker groaned. "I guess...Or...the authour of this stupid fan-fiction could just timelaspe this story 3 years into the future!"
"Good point!" said a disembodied voice. "Your wish is my command!"
And with that, I did as Conker requested. Three years had gone by. CoCo had her baby during this duration. He was a hybrid baby since his daddy was a weasel and his momma a squirrel. A "squeasel", if you will. Conker actually coined that term. CoCo named him Heinrich, in honor of Kriplespac's long-lost pet Xenomorph. He was a tan colour with a creamy belly stripe, just like his daddy. He had an overbite and a long bushy tail. He had jet-black hair. He was possibly the cutest little hybrid baby ever born.
On the night of June 6th, 3006, Conker knocked on the door of the von Kriplespac residence. Ze Professor answered it.
"Are you guys coming with me?" Conker asked. "It is almost 12."
"Ja, ve are joining you." Kriplespac noddd. "Lemme go get CoCo."
"Hurry!" Conker shouted as Kriplespac walked away to find CoCo. She was in the bathroom. He opened the door and entered.
"CoCo, darling," He said sweetly. "Are you ready to go? And- vas is zat in your hand?"
CoCo smiled and a tear ran down her cheek. "It's a pregnancy test. I'm pregnant again."
Kriplespac froze in shock. He was speechless. He walked over to CoCo and hugged her. "Zat's brilliant, CoCo."
CoCo smiled. She rubbed her fingers up and down his spine.
"Hello?!" Conker yelled. "Did you die or something? Come on guys, lets' go! Time is wasting away!"
The tender moment between CoCo and Krip ended. They left into the night with Conker. The cave by the Windy River was open again, just like Beardy said.
"This is it!" Conker said. "Let's do this!"
The three of them entered the cave. The entrance to the cave was actually a portal to the Underworld. The portal took them to a mysterious hallway. Conker remembered this hallway from the first time he came here. They walked straight ahead. But something was wrong. They had been walking for a very long time.
"I don't remember this hall being this long," Conker said concerned.
"How are ve gonna get outta here? Zis hallway never ends!"
"It has to end sometime," Conker reassured him. "I got to the end of it somehow."
Then, there was an eerie noise coming from behind them. They turned around and stared into the darkness. But there was nothing there. They heard the noise again.
"What is that?" CoCo whispered, scared.
"I dunno," Conker said, straining his ears. "It kinda sounds like...flushing..."
When Conker said that, the flushing sound became very loud and they could hear the sound of liquid. And then they saw it. Blood was flooding the hallway. It splashed all over the walls and was heading towards them at a quickening pace.
"Run!" Kriplespac shrieked. The company of three sprinted as fast as they could, but the river of blood was advancing on them fast. Conker looked behind him and saw that the blood was hot on his tail. It rose up higher and higher as if it were a tide of blood.
"I don't think we're gonna make it!" Conker shouted. "Brace yourselves! Here it comes!"
The roaring wave of blood crashed down upon them. They swam head-over-heels along with the violent current. There was a fear of drowning. But soon the madness was all over. They found themselves washed up on the docks of a eerie little town. Conker coughed up blood and looked around. He made sure that CoCo and Krip were okay. He recognized the village. It was the same one he had been to the first time he visited the Underworld.
"Okay," Conker breathed. "That was really weird, but at least it's over. I recognize this village. Just up that hill is where my vampire ancestor, Count Conkula used to live. Maybe we could find Gregg up there." He let CoCo and Krip catch their breath and they all headed towards the huge wooden gate.
"Okay, now there may be zombies still running around, so if you encounter one, just press B."
"Zombies?!" CoCo squeaked. "I don't wanna go in there!"
"It's okay, they are slow. It'll be easier to kill them with all three of us. Just aim for the head!"
"Just remember your katana training, CoCo," Kriplespac whispered in her ear.
Conker pushed open the gate. Sure enough, some zombies emerged from their graves.
"Press B!" Conker shouted. They all did so. CoCo drew out her double-katanas, Krip whipped out an assault rifle, and Conker loaded his shotgun. Conker ran towards the zombies, shouting a war cry and firing at them. Krip and CoCo followed close behind. The zombies did not stand a chance. They were being annihilated. Heads rolled and exploded. Blood and guts rained in the skies. The trio fought their way up to the front door of Count Conkula's mansion. There were no zombies. Only silence. The three rested after that intense mini-war with the undead. Conker even shared his chocolate.
"Now, there must be a way to Hell from here..."
"Vas?" Kriplespac said. "I zought ve vere already in Hell. It gets vorse from here?"
"No, we are just in the Underworld. The actual Hell is where Gregg is."
"Damn," Kriplespac said. "Didn't know zat zings vere so complicated around here."
"C'mon, lemme show you two around." Conker said. He took them on a tour of Count Conkula's mansion. They visited the large spooky library and the maze hedges in the yard. The warmed up by the ever-glowing fire in the dining room. Conker even showed him the grinder where the Count would drop the villagers in to be ground up to a billion pieces and then drink their blood from a glass tube once he had killed enough to fill it up. It was kind of like making orange juice, complete with little chunks of meat as pulp.
"This place is giving me the heebie-jeebies!" CoCo said looking at the giant meat grinder. "But where do you suppose the Grim Reaper is? We still haven't found anything."
Conker thought for a moment. "Hmmm...Maybe we aren't looking hard enough. Let's keep looking."
The trio headed back to the dining room. There they saw a female villager standing there.
"Who is that?" CoCo asked, pointing the squirrel.
"Hey, I remember seeing her from the first time I visited."
"Do you zink zat she might know vhere to find Gregg?" Kriplespac asked.
"I'll ask," Conker said. "HEY! EXCUSE ME, MISS, BUT COULD YOU HELP US?"
The moment Conker spoke, the female squirrel started running.
"WAIT! COME BACK!" Conker shouted, running after her with his friends close behind. The mysterious squirrel kept running. They chased her all around the huge dinner table. She ran towards the exit on the left side of the room near its main entrance. This exit led outside. There was a small flight of stairs that led up to a narrow concrete pathway. The squirrel ran up these stairs and onto that narrow path. But, once she got on it, she jumped over the edge and into the dark abyss of the ghost-face river. Conker and his friends abruptly halted when they saw her jump over. They stood there looking over that narrow path. No one knew what to think.
Finally, Conker spoke. "She did that the first time I came here. I remember it well. It think she might be a ghost repeating her death. She probably was one of the villagers who came to this mansion to kill the Count. She escaped being thrown into the meat grinder, but probably had no way to defend herself against the mass hoard of zombies. And when I say mass hoard, I mean a massive hoard. You wouldn't believe how many of those undead bastards were here when I came here last. Anyway, I'm guessing she committed suicide before the zombies could get to her..."
"I vonder vhat is down in zat abyss?" Kriplespac said, staring at the sad faces of the ghosts in the river.
A silence fell among them.
"There's only one way to find out!" CoCo said, breaking the ice. Before the two boys had time to respond, she grabbed them by their hands and leaped over into the dark, mysterious river.
"YOLO!" CoCo exclaimed as they fell with Conker and Kriplespac screaming in terror.