I was awake.

It was one of those moments when one woke up and knew was awake, but one's eyelids remain closed. That was the way I felt. But, I knew I was awake.

It seemed so hard to open my eyes. I still felt so tired. But, I could feel that behind my eyelids there wasn't utter darkness. There was also light. The sun must have come out already. It was a new day; there were new demons to kill. And I had to get up. I had to wake up Jonathan. He loved to oversleep breakfast and make Amelia mutter. Sometimes I thought none of our fighting skills would be enough to prevent Amelia from banishing us from London for all the time she would remain leader of the London Institute. We could at least come to breakfast in time, she always pointed out.

I sighed, hating to leave the bed so soon, and finally opened my eyes.

I was alone in my room. It was so silent and peaceful. I glanced around, enjoying myself. It wasn't usual for the Institute to be so quiet, even in the morning. There were always footsteps, talks, laugh that could be heard even from the other floors. But, now it was completely silent, like somebody had died and everyone were in grief.

Somebody did die. it suddenly occurred to me.

I remembered the pain, the sorrow, the desire for revenge. And there was only one person I would have wanted to avenge.

I jumped out of the bed like a bullet fired out from a gun. I could feel my breath stuck in my throat. I could feel every bruise, every unhealed injury on my body hurting with full strength again. But, I didn't care.

I opened the door of my room and hurried to the one to my right. I pushed it and found an empty room behind it. There was no sign that room had ever belonged to someone. There were no private things, just a bed, a cabinet, a desk and a chair. It looked like any of the empty rooms of the Institute.

I leaned on the doorpost, not able to stand straight under the burden of memories. I breathed heavily, like I had just run a marathon.

Jonathan didn't come back. He didn't because he's dead. my thoughts managed to concentrate as much. My parabatai is dead.

Everything started to come back. I remembered that the Waylands were responsible for this, that they wanted to have revenge on Valentine so much that they wanted to kill his children, just to make him feel the pain he couldn't and, from what I knew about him, he wouldn't feel. I remembered that I had almost killed Amelia in my pain and that Jace had stopped me. I remembered the moment of Jonathan's death. I remembered his last words.

You shouldn't have thanked me! I wanted to scream, although the person who should hear that scream couldn't do it. I didn't save you! I wasn't there when I should have been! I should have protected you! You're dead because I wasn't good enough!

I ran back to my bedroom, tears falling on my face as I ran. My body refused to follow my mind's orders, so I limped, but I wanted every step to hurt. It was my punishment for not having done what parabatai should do.

I fell onto my bed, grabbed the pillow and put it on my head. I didn't want even the walls around me to see me crying. I hadn't cried for years, just like I hadn't been scared for years, but my friendship with Jonathan had changed that. Even though he had demons' blood in his veins, he made me more human than I had ever been.

I gasped under the pillow, wondering if I was actually trying to strangle myself.

I could never do that. irony streamed through me. I'm too weak, just like I was too weak to save Jonathan. Clarissa must have survived. They protected her. And I, so-called Idris' best Shadowhunter, couldn't have protected my parabatai. The Angel should curse me right now. I don't deserve any better.

While I was lying on the bed, nothing hurt me anymore. And I wanted pain to be there.

Physical pain could clear that in my heart. I needed it right now if I wanted to survive. If I had ever been anything in my life, I was survivor. I had escaped death so many times I couldn't give myself to it. It was in my blood to run from it. But, I was on the edge right now and I had to clear my head. I needed to focus and there was no better aim than physical pain.

I got up and went to the desk in my room. There was only a book there, Pride and prejudice.

I didn't want to see it. It reminded me that few days ago, when I had been reading it, Jonathan had been alive. I grabbed it and hurled it across the room. It hit the wall and fell on the floor. I felt dark satisfaction when I saw it there, knowing I could have damaged it.

But, now was the time to damage myself. I punched the desk as strongly as I could. The pain streamed through my hand, but I was calm about it. I thought only about how my hand hurt. There was no space for any other thought. That was the point of the punch.

But, then the pain faded and I was facing Jonathan's death in my mind again.

I punched the desk again. And again. And again. And again. My knuckles were burning at first, making me cry again, but then they became numb. I punched the wood with the other hand, but I didn't stop crying. I punched again. And again. And again.

Suddenly, somebody grabbed my hand and stopped me. I screamed and started rousing, trying to free myself. I needed my focus back, I needed the pain. I wanted to be alone.

I was alone. A weird Shadowhunter girl with no friends; that was who I was now.

"Sam!" somebody shouted behind me. "Sam, stop it!"

"No!" I screamed, hitting the person behind me with my elbow.

He sighed, but his abdominal muscles absorbed my hit, so he didn't let me go. His other hand grabbed my waist, trying to stop my rousing.

"Sam!" I finally recognized Jace's voice.

I fought and fought, but he was stronger and my strength melted away fast. Soon I was leaning on him, unable to stand on my own. He didn't hold my previous behaviour against me, but held me in his arms like I was made of glass. My head was leaned on his chest, right under his chin. His body was warm, even through his gear.

"Won't your girlfriend be jealous if she finds you here in this compromising position?" I had no idea where that came from, but I had to say it, despite myself.

After few moments of silence, like he couldn't believe I had just joked, Jace laughed.

"If you're trying to separate me and Clary to get me for yourself, you'll have to try harder."

I tried to smile, but my lips remained still. Jonathan was dead. It was my fault. No joke could change that.

I wasn't rousing anymore. I almost lay in Jace's arms. My limbs were numb, just like my mind. There was no strength left in me.

He turned me around slowly and gently, making me face him. His golden eyes were calm and sympathetic.

"I'm sorry, Sam." he was sorry for me, not for Jonathan, I knew it.

But, that wasn't enough to comfort me.

"I should have protected him!" tears burst from my eyes again. "It's my fault he's dead! If I had been faster, if I had been stronger, he'd still be alive!"

"No, Sam ..." Jace started.

But, I already used his relaxation. I set myself free from his arms, looking at him through mist of tears now. My legs found strength to hold me up straight.

"It's my fault! You did well when you refused to be my parabatai! If you'd accepted me, you'd be the one dead now!" I screamed at him, just wanting that he would go away. "I'm the worst parabatai that has ever existed! Or I should say, I was!"

"There were many Shadowhunters whose parabatai were killed ..." Jace tried again, but I didn't want to listen.

"But, they did everything they could to prevent it!" I interrupted him. "And if this was what so-called Idris' best Shadowhunter could do, I was never worthy of being one! I was never worthy of being someone's parabatai and this is the proof!"

Jace looked at me in silence for few moments, his eyes full of pity.

"His death wasn't your fault ..."

"Don't bother." suddenly, my voice was cold as ice. "Just leave me alone. You'd do well for yourself to do so. And so would everyone else. Just stay away from me."

He didn't move for few moments, looking like he was going to say something, but then he turned around and walked towards the door.

I was satisfied and sad at the same time. I had proved my point, but it had cost me much. Maybe more than I could afford myself to lose so quickly after I had lost Jonathan.

"We're leaving for Alicante tomorrow in the morning." my gaze went towards the door, where he still stood. "For Amelia's and Thomas's trial. You have been out for day and a half, but now you're awake. If you want to come with us, you can."

After that, he went out and closed the door. I stood in the middle of my room, feeling lonelier than ever in my life. I went back to bed and curled up into blankets, praying that sleep would soon come down on me again and take me back to blissful state of oblivion.