Darkness. Wherever I looked, it was there. It was black, black like Jonathan's eyes. I knew that because he was there with me. I could feel his presence, even though I couldn't see him. My palm and rune on it recognized him.

Jonathan? I asked, not sure if I had just thought of his name or whispered it. It didn't really matter. He knew I had said his name.

Yes, Sam? his words sounded playfully, like some childish Jonathan, whom I had never met, said them.

You seem happy. I commented.

I am happy. he replied calmly, like the happiness was the only thing he could feel.

I'm glad you are. I said, not even wondering why he was happy or where we were or any logical question. All that mattered was that Jonathan was happy.

He knew how I felt. I heard him laugh, sweetly and honestly like Jonathan who I knew never did. There was no sarcasm or mockery in that laugh.

I have you to thank for that, Sam. he said.

Well, thank me already or I will be insulted. I pretended arrogant, but he knew I wasn't serious.

I did that already. Don't you remember? his voice sounded honestly curious, like that memory was very important to him and he thought it would be important to me as well.

I tried to remember. I was sure he had said Thank you, Sam. to me. But, I couldn't remember when or why. But, it didn't matter.

I do. I confirmed.

Jonathan laughed again.

I told you so.

I stuck my tongue out, infected by Jonathan's childish behaviour. I could be whatever I wanted here and Jonathan would never hold it against me. And then I heard him laughing again and it made me laugh as well. To me, it sounded like the sweetest music ever. It was wonderful.

You're crazy. he said when we had finally stopped laughing. You're my crazy parabatai. The best parabatai ever.

At that moment I was glad there was darkness all around us because I was sure I was blushing. I wasn't used to be praised so much for my character. People praised my fighting skills often, but I knew that Jonathan wasn't talking about them.

You really think so? I asked, but then grinned, trying to make my question less serious than it was. Of course you do. I'm the only parabatai you've ever had, I have to be the best. Not that I wouldn't be the best anyway, though.

This time, Jonathan didn't laugh. I felt anxiety rose in me, destroying happiness and peace of our conversation.

And then, in those few moments of Jonathan's silence, everything came back to me. I remembered his lifeless body lying on the ground, horn piercing his chest. I remembered how much I blamed and hated myself for everything that had happened.

Jonathan, I'm so sorry. I knew it wasn't enough, but I had nothing else to say. I should have protected you. But I didn't. You're dead because I didn't save you.

There was no answer. I wondered if he had gone away, not able to stand near me anymore.

I wanted to cry again.

I'm dead because a demon killed me. I heard his voice again. You survived the fight, Sam. You were strong enough. I wasn't.

I felt relief because he hadn't left. But, his words made no sense. There was no accusation in them, no anger, no pain. They were just the fact as Jonathan saw them, completely opposite of my point of view.

But, I'm your parabatai. I couldn't make myself use the past tense. I should have protected you when you were in danger. That's what parabatai do during the fight, right?

Suddenly, there was a flash of white light. It almost blinded me, after my eyes had accustomed to darkness. But, after few seconds, I managed to look at it.

There was Jonathan, smiling at me. His blond hair looked even lighter than when he had been alive. There was brilliance in his eyes which could compare to any precious stone, making their blackness extraordinary beautiful. He had told me he was happy and I had heard it in his voice, but now I could see it, I completely believed him.

But, he wasn't alone. A silhouette walked next to him, or better said, flew. He was taller even than Jonathan. His face was young and beautiful, but I couldn't guess his age. He looked like a child and an old man in the same time, like his look wasn't affected by years that had passed, but his expression made it clear he was wise and very, very old. His eyes shone like a sun and were painful to look at.

Samantha Carstairs. his calm voice pronounced my name. Power in it made me shiver. My name seemed as meaningless as I felt.

Who are you? I wanted to ask, but decided I had no rights to ask questions this time. I didn't remember speaking out loud, but he laughed, like he had heard my question and understood my intention.

I am Raziel. he said, like that was nothing important.

Breath stuck in my throat. He was something like my ancestor, like ancestor of all Shadowhunters. And I was standing here, face to face with him.

I ... I ... I couldn't think of anything to say.

He laughed again and Jonathan joined him.

She's just surprised. I heard Jonathan's voice. She usually isn't so speechless.

I know. Raziel's eyes didn't leave my face. Your parabatai is special, Jonathan. More special than even she herself knows.

What do you mean, ... I had no idea how to address him and I was questioning an angel again. I felt uncomfortable and feared I was making a mistake with every move I made.

I can feel your respect is beyond anything that could be described with words, Samantha, so you need not to think about a proper title. Raziel said, obviously familiar with my every thought. And you have accomplished a deed so great your name should be celebrated among those who carry my blood.

I was even more confused than before.

Why should I be celebrated among Shadowhunters? I have done nothing great. I kept secrets from them and almost killed one of them. It will be a miracle if they allow me to remain among them. I couldn't stop myself from thinking, not even knowing my thoughts werelike words said out loud to Raziel.

Your greatest deed stands right next to me, Samantha. his eyes, as well as mine, glanced at Jonathan, who nodded at me with smile still on his face.

Jonathan? I didn't know if I was asking him or Raziel to explain it to me.

My blood lost its power over me because of you. Jonathan said after a small nod from Raziel. My father taught me how to fight, how to kill. But, it was you who taught me what it means to be a Shadowhunter, what is our quest.

Our quest is to kill demons, you knew that. I thought I was given undeserving praises. You might have been bad once, but you had goodness in your heart all along. You could have turned out good even without me, and maybe live to a certain age, what you didn't make now.

For a moment, I looked back at Raziel. His lips shaped a smile.

Don't you see it, Samantha? he said. That is your greatest deed. You saw light where everyone else saw darkness. Even Jonathan saw darkness in himself. And you showed him there is good in him, you believed in him. Because of you he is not with demons now. He is with us.

I gasped in sudden wave of happiness. But, not because of Raziel's praise of my actions, but because of Jonathan.

You are in heaven? I asked, feeling the tears of joy falling on my cheeks.

Jonathan smiled and nodded.

Yes, I am.

How is it? I asked before I could stop myself.

More beautiful than I can describe. he said and I could see in his eyes that he meant it. I couldn't know how beautiful heaven was until one day I lay my own eyes on it.

Jonathan looked at Raziel again. They looked at each other for few moments, like they were talking without words. I couldn't hear them as they could hear me, but I didn't mind. There was hardly place for me in conversation between an angel and a person who lived in heaven. I was still human. It wasn't mine to interfere now, so I waited.

Suddenly, Jonathan turned around and came closer to me. Before I could say or do anything, his hand touched mine. His skin now seemed like a smoke, barely touchable.

But, I still felt his left hand on mine. Parts of rune that made us parabatai, though faded, still matched perfectly.

Sam, my death wasn't your fault. his black eyes captivate mine completely. But, my life was. Before you, I hadn't really been alive. I had been captivated in the trap of my blood. And our friendship set me free. Now it has to set you free from guilt. Promise me that it will.

I looked at him, wanting so badly he could come with me. He was the only one I wanted as my parabatai. He was my best friend. Before I met him, I hadn't known what that meant. But, now I knew. And I knew I had to let him go. He deserved to be happy, to be free from his blood. In heaven he could be. He asked only one thing of me. And I knew I would give my best to fulfil it.

It will, Jonathan. I said. I promise.

Smile that appeared on his face was the most beautiful smile I had ever seen. It made tears start falling from my eyes again. He raised his right hand and wiped them off.

I'll always be your parabatai. Remember that always. he said and let my hand go. Ave atque vale, Sam Carstairs.

I blinked and in a second both Jonathan and Raziel were gone.

I was awake. Tears were still on my cheeks. Sheets around me were wet.

I was happy and serene. I couldn't stop smiling.

Light of a newborn dawn was falling on me and I thought I was feeling glimpses of heaven that Jonathan had been talking about. I got up, music of our laughing still echoing in my mind, and went towards window. Usually I couldn't see stars on the sky above London, but now I could see one. Venus shone firmly, like it wanted stay on the sky even after the sun came out. I had never seen it before in the morning and it looked completely different than in the evening. It seemed to me that it wanted to make this day special, be the one who would help the sun to light the Earth.

Morning star. Morgenstern. my German was good enough to understand it. You're still here. Even though I can't see you, you're still here.

At that second, Venus was gone, replaced by golden rays of sun. But, it was still there on the sky. It still watched the Earth.

Morgenstern is still returning my gaze. I smiled and then went back towards my bed.

This day had started and I had few things to do. First of them was to prepare myself for journey to Idris. There were few things to be done there.