My gaze rested on the grave in front of me.
It was made of white marble, decorated with golden letters. It was in a shape of rectangle, about two meters long and half meter wide. Even though it seemed it was only few centimetres high, I knew it was about a meter deep. I had watched as Jonathan had been put in it. I didn't want to imagine how dark it had to be down there now when the grave was closed.
I had tried very hard to find a proper place for Jonathan's final resting place. I had decided it had to be in London the second I had left the trial. London was the only place Jonathan had ever felt accepted. It was the place where our friendship had become real. So, his grave had to be in London. I had just needed to find the right one. And I had chosen Brookwood Cemetery.
I stood there, as calm as statues that surrounded me. I wore white short-sleeved dress that covered half of my calves. It was decorated with few runes, embroidered in silver colour, so people wouldn't notice them if they weren't looking for them. White sandals were on my feet, but I ignored pinching of wind. Mundanes which occasionally passed next to me looked at me with surprise and doubts in their eyes, but I didn't care. I didn't bother with putting the glamour on myself. I wanted everyone to know this was funeral of a Shadowhunter.
If a Shadowhunter passes by, he will know it. To us, white is the colour of death. Only a Shadowhunter would wear white in graveyard. I knew. As for the mundanes, they will know that this man didn't die alone, that somebody came to say farewell to him. Even if that person is crazy for wearing white in a funeral.
I stared at the tombstone. Words written in golden letters, which seemed almost silver in the gray light of London's day, were saying his name.
Jonathan Morgenstern.
And under his name was a quote.
The valiant never taste of death but once.
It seemed perfect for Jonathan, who was the bravest person I had ever met. He had never allowed fear to overwhelm him, to direct his actions. And I knew he would never die in my memories. There would always be a place for him in my heart, where I would remember everything we had gone through.
I had to admit I had expected somebody else to show up here today, although I didn't really know who I had expected. Maybe Jonathan's mother or his sister and her company, but nobody was there but me. I knew they could have come, could have found me if they had wanted to. The Clave knew everything I had done about Jonathan's funeral. They could have come.
But, they didn't. There had been just Jonathan and I. Now Jonathan was buried and I was alone.
Cool wind of London was blowing around me and gave me goose bumps. Except for it, I heard nothing else. I couldn't even hear footsteps or voices of mundanes. It seemed like I was standing alone at the end of the world, trying to hold back the tears. Even though I knew where Jonathan was now and that he was happy, it was still hard to say goodbye.
"Ave atque vale, Jonathan Morgenstern." I whispered, repeating the words he had said to me in my dream before he had gone away with Raziel. Translation echoed in my mind. Hail and farewell, Jonathan Morgenstern. Hail and farewell, my parabatai. Hail and farewell, my friend.
I let few tears to fall down my cheeks. The farewell seemed so final, like I hadn't been aware of it in my dream. Jonathan was now both spiritually and physically separated from me. I couldn't even touch his hand, like I had done when I had come to the Bone City to take his body with me. The Silent Brothers had kept it safe and with help of their runes, Jonathan had looked like he had been sleeping. His body hadn't been ruined by passage of time. Picture of his peaceful face had given me strength to go through his funeral.
May I join you? a voice that wasn't mine echoed in my mind.
I turned around and saw a person standing few steps behind me.
I held my breath. If it had been somebody else, it could have killed me in a second. I had been too reckless. But, it was only a Silent Brother, easily recognized by his almost soundless steps and a hood that covered his face.
Their steps are almost soundless, Sam Carstairs. I rebuked myself. I should have noticed him before. Luckily, he's not a demon.
I nodded in his direction. He moved few steps forward and stood next to me. For few moments we stood in silence, but then he interrupted it – if I could say so – since I was the only one who could hear his words.
It is hard to lose a parabatai. his voice was neutral, as were voices of all Silent Brothers.
I smirked, not able to stop myself. I hadn't asked him to be here nor to comfort me especially not in that indifferent tone. I wasn't in the mood to listen to anybody, not even those who communicated with thoughts.
"How would you know? You're a Silent Brother. You don't have a parabatai." I didn't even look at him while speaking, my eyes still fixed on Jonathan's grave.
He ignored my rudeness.
I wasn't always a Silent Brother. he answered calmly. I was a Shadowhunter once, just like you.
Eagerness in me was replaced with shame. He had just been polite, which was a lot to expect from a Silent Brother, and in return I could have hurt him, although I knew he would never show it.
My silence lasted, so he interrupted it again.
In my time, though, having a parabatai wasn't an obligation. It was a choice.
"You were Shadowhunter a long time ago, then." I found my voice again, remembering what Jonathan had told me. "This law is nearly two hundred years old."
Yes. he nodded and said nothing more.
Almost against my will, curiosity rose in me. Silent Brothers never talked about their lives, neither about the one in the Brotherhood nor the one before it. They were always very secretive, their lives hidden within the darkness of the Bone City. I had a unique opportunity to find out more about this Brother.
"You had a parabatai once? I mean, before you joined the Brotherhood?" I asked quietly, like somebody could hear us.
But, even if there was somebody, they would hear only me talking to myself. The Silent Brother had to have glamour on him, because sight on his face would probably give a heart attack to any mundane. They made even Shadowhunters nervous.
Now he was the one who stood in silence. Just when I thought he wouldn't answer, I heard his voice inside my head again.
I did. he said. And I had to watch him die. A part of me died with him.
"Is that why you joined the Brotherhood?" I wasn't pushed just by curiosity anymore, but by desire of finding an answer to the question what I should do with myself now.
This Brother was the first person I wanted to talk to about Jonathan, about pain I was feeling. We obviously had something in common. But, he was different than other people who had lost their parabatai. He could understand me better than anyone else, I could feel it. Maybe it was just because he was a Silent Brother, because he had lived so long that he could confirm the pain, but also memories, were still there, even after more than two hundred years.
His gaze didn't separate from Jonathan's grave, but he shook his head slightly.
No. he said. I had to leave him. I had only a choice how to do it. I could either die or join the Brotherhood. I have chosen to remain here as a Silent Brother. As a Silent Brother I remained in touch with everyone I knew, although only occasionally. It was the only choice I was ready to accept.
I had wanted to interrupt him, especially when he had said he had left his parabatai free-willingly, but I had remained silent and waited for him to finish. I was glad for doing so. He had chosen to stay, even though he had known he would eventually lose his parabatai when he died.
"So, you couldn't bear the thought of leaving him, even though you knew he would leave you one day?" compassion streamed through my voice.
It was my choice. he nodded. A hard one, but I made it.
"Do you miss him?" I asked, even though I already knew the answer.
I do. he said, confirming my guess. But, I'm a Silent Brother. The Brotherhood is my family now. Even now I'm learning its ways and I can't let memories of my previous life or events in today's world distract me.
His voice sounded so final and I knew he would no longer discuss this subject with me. I had already heard too much and he would say no more.
I stood silently next to him, wondering if he was going to speak again or leave. I still had no idea why he had come, so I might as well ask.
"Why did you come here?" I asked, trying to see if he was just checking on me. "Don't you know who my parabatai was?"
I know. he said after few moments of silence. Even we in the Bone City have heard about your case. After all, if your parabatai had been an ordinary Shadowhunter, his ashes would build our city, not lie wasted in the ground like a mundane's.
"Did the Brotherhood send you to check on me?" I had no will or strength to be evasive. "Because the Clave knows everything I have done about Jonathan's funeral. They had agreed to this. There's no need for you be here then."
The hood shook a bit, so lightly I barely noticed.
That is not why I am here. he said, but his voice seemed less indifferent now. I believe what you said about your parabatai. I believe he was not a monster. So I came, so other people would say that there was a Silent Brother on his funeral, that a Shadowhunter, not a demon, is buried here.
I looked at my white dress, knowing I was wearing it from the same reason he had come. We wanted to show that a Shadowhunter was lying here, someone who had died in fight against demons. This wasn't an ordinary grave. A hero lay in it.
"Thank you." I whispered.
He nodded.
Ave atque vale, Jonathan Morgenstern. I heard him saying the same words that I had. My parabatai was seen off with farewell of Shadowhunters. I could ask no more than that.
I turned around, ready to go home and think about what to do next. But, after I made only few steps, the Silent Brother caught up with me.
What are you going to do now? he asked, like he had read my mind, which he probably had.
But, I didn't mind. I needed somebody to talk to anyway.
"I have no idea." I shrugged my shoulders. "I used to think I could fight on my own, without a parabatai. I never wanted to have one. But, now ..."
Now you miss him. he understood. Like a part of your heart is gone.
I sighed.
"I got used to always have Jonathan by my side. I trusted him and he trusted me. I knew he was always there to protect me." I made effort to explain. "And now I'm afraid of going back to fight. Because there will be a moment when I'll expect him to protect me again and he ..."
He won't be there. he ended my sentence.
Even the thought hurt so much. All I could do was to nod.
You could leave Shadowhunters. he suggested. You could live as a mundane. I knew Shadowhunters who did so.
"I can't do that." I shook my head. "Being a Shadowhunter, that's all I know how to do. I would never fit in among mundanes, I know it."
We walked in silence for few more moments and then I spoke again.
"I thought about living in some of the Institutes. It would keep me away from battles and I could be of use."
I believe your abilities surpass that. he sounded convinced, like he had known me all my life, not just from gossips about the trial. You could join the Iron Sisters. You would remain among Shadowhunters, but away from the battles. You would learn how to make weapons, steles, witchlight.
I had thought about that option, too. I had tried to imagine myself forging weapons I could never use, being closed behind the walls when everyone were rushing into battle.
"That's not for me either." I said. "I can't make weapons knowing I will never use them."
That is a bit selfish, don't you think?
Unintentionally, he woke up my pricks of conscience. And that wasn't good. I had had a hard time trying to recover from guilt because of Jonathan's death. Without the dream, I wasn't sure I would have made it. Now I had to avoid showing how much his words had affected me.
"I can't promise I would devote myself to the Sisters completely." I explained. "The Iron Sisters are your counterpart. What would you do if any of you left the Bone City to join the fight? Because I'd certainly do so whenever Shadowhunters would ask me to make a Seraph blade. I'd know a battle is out there and I couldn't remain behind. That's who I am. I wouldn't want to lie to them."
He didn't answer. We walked in silence almost to the entrance to the Cemetery. I still had no idea what to do with my life. Obviously, I was so complicated case that not even a Silent Brother could help me.
But, he didn't leave. While we were getting closer to the end of graveyard, he turned towards me. I could see only his pale chin now; the rest of his face was still hidden in shadows of his hood.
What would you want to do then, Samantha Carstairs?
My name sounded so weird spoken in his voice. I had a feeling I had done something wrong, that a place for me couldn't be found.
"I don't know!" I shouted so suddenly I even scared myself. "Everything I was familiar with disappeared with Jonathan! Now I have no bloody idea what to do! I can't be a Shadowhunter as I was when he was alive, I can't be an Iron Sister, I can't be a mundane! What can I be?!"
But, the Silent Brother remained calm, like he had known in advance what I would do.
Maybe you could join us. The Brotherhood.
I hardly held myself back not to laugh at him.
He must be crazy. I thought, almost amused. Almost. The Iron Sisters are their counterpart. Women join them.
"You know, there's a reason you're called the Brotherhood." I said, trying to avoid sneer in my voice. "Only men can join you. And I'm not a man."
I know you are not. he answered. But, if you were, would you join us?
"What difference does it make? I can't break that rule." words burst out of me in a second, but then I tried to imagine it.
It would be a life in silence, away from the battles. I would have to forget everything I was. It wouldn't be easy either, all those tests that Silent Brothers must pass. it seemed terrible, even as a thought, at first. But, then I saw the other side of the medal. I would learn secrets ordinary Shadowhunters never even hear about. I could heal others, but myself as well. I could carry my memories of Jonathan there, knowing he would never be forgotten, because I would live forever. I would live forever.
"Yes, I would." I heard myself saying the words, almost without being aware of doing it.
Then I heard a sound. An actual sound. It sounded almost like a laugh.
But, it can't be. Silent Brothers can't laugh. Their mouths are ... my though was left unfinished because he interrupted it.
You think it is a rule that Silent Brothers can't laugh. he said. But, I have just broken it. Why would it be impossible for you to join us then?
"I ... I ..." I was speechless. I didn't know what to say.
We share something else beside loss of parabatai, Samantha. he filled my silence with his words. We share many things you don't know of. Maybe we also share the ability to change the old ways, to change the rules. If you care enough to show if we do or not.
He was secretive as the rest of the Silent Brothers. But, his words intrigued me. And the answer wasn't away from me. I just had to ask the right question.
"Who are you?" I whispered.
Instead of answering, he removed his hood.
At first, it was shocking. His mouths weren't like those of other Silent Brothers I had met. He still could open his mouth and talk out loud if he wanted to. His eyes were strange gray colour, between silver and black.
But, I had seen that face before. Even if it was scarred by Marks of the Silent Brothers, I knew I had seen it.
I am brother Zachariah. he said, but I could feel 'but' that he wanted me to say out loud myself.
"But, you have another name." I said, looking at those familiar eyes. They looked exactly like the ones on the painting. "You are James Carstairs."
You know now. he covered his face with hood again. But, more important is your choice. You can remain here, believing you could do nothing to change the rules, or follow me, believing you can change them. You can become the first Silent Sister or let somebody else to do it. Your choice.
He turned around, but so did I. My gaze looked for Jonathan's grave and found it. I knew what he would say.
It's not fun if we can't break a rule or two. for the first time after the dream, I smiled. But, if they are unbreakable, let's make new ones. The ones we can break.
"I'm right behind you, cousin." I caught up with James.
I followed him through streets of London. Mundanes around us saw only a girl in white dress, wandering through the streets like a lost child. Maybe they felt pity for me, thinking I was alone, thinking I was lonely.
But, I wasn't. Jonathan still followed me, wherever I was going, in my memories. He would be present in the Bone City. James's words gave me courage to insist on changing the rules. I wanted to live with the Silent Brothers, I knew that now. I enjoyed mysteries, secrets. After I had spent part of my life destroying and killing, now I could help and heal.
Maybe one day some other Shadowhunter will curse me and my change of rules just as I did the law about having a parabatai. I smiled. Maybe. We'll see.
Thank you all for reading, I hope you enjoyed it :)