I throw the phone away and Sherlock looks at me. "I didn't expect that when I told you to answer the phone", he says on an ironic tone going to the kitchen and taking another cup of coffee. We stand there in silence for some moments and none of us dare to say anything. Sherlock goes to the window and stays there for some minutes as I look at him shocked.

"I've never thought Sherlock Holmes cares about someone." – I say and I know that, maybe, I was cheeky. Sherlock doesn't even turn to me and he just stays there, staring at the window. "I've never someone can become a detective just to look for the one he loves", he says with a grin that I don't see, but I know is there. I put the cup of tea he gave me on the glass-rounded table, making noise on purpose.

"What is your story, Merlin?" Sherlock asks, his eyes fixed on me. "I don't have one", I say quickly. He smiles. "Answering really quick, not even thinking on what you were about to say. Lie." I put my look down and look outside. "Look, I should probably go. It's late and I really need to get home." I turn my back and I go to take my coat from the hanger. "Do you have a reason to go home?" I stop, crippled. "Does John?" – I say and I feel Sherlock getting uncomfortable. I take my coat and drink the last drop of tea and I open the door. "Lestrade." – Sherlock says out of nowhere. I don't let a word come out of my throat, but Sherlock already knows what I am going to ask so he answers. "The man you talked to. His name is Lestrade." I smile and look him in the eyes. "No, his name is Arthur", I say and then I close the door behind me, going so fast downstairs that it feels like running.

I didn't want to answer Sherlock that question, but I know the answer. Everyone has a reason to go home. Some of them can't wait to go and eat with their families, hug their children, talk to them, kiss their wife after a long day of work. Me? I just want to go home for the memories, memories that I can't let go: of my life in Camelot, of my life here. I do have a life here. I look around and I ask myself what part of Camelot is this. I smile and I figure out this were probably Cendred's lands. I remember how me and Arthur used to run from his men, how we saved each other's lives, talking at the fire, trying to fall asleep while looking at each other. Those days were gone and I know that, but the memories are still alive and as long as I believe Arthur is there, somewhere in this enormous world, I know I can find him. He didn't recognize my voice today. He didn't ask me to talk more he was just doing his job. "But what was his job?" I ask myself repeatedly until I get home.

I enter my small apartment and I fling my coat somewhere on a chair. I sit on the coach and I put my hand through my hair, asking myself if that was Arthur or my desire to find him affects my mind. "No, it had to be him" – I say constantly to myself when the ringing phone distracted my attention. It is just a message. "I hope you will sleep well tonight, because you'll need energy tomorrow – MH." I throw the phone on the floor and I don't bother to see if it is broken. I sigh and get up, knowing that what I am going to do isn't the solution.

I go to the bathroom and from the cupboard where I keep my medicines I took my syringe. I try to think twice, but I can't. Coming back to London wasn't a wise choice. I feel like I am at the end of this endless road where I have been travelling more than ten centuries. "Maybe it's time to stop. Maybe I am not going to find him. Not know, not ever. I know it was his voice, I would never forget one of the only things that kept me alive", I say looking at the empty syringe. It is a new one. The needle is barely touched by someone and at the slowest touch, the blood will start flowing. I sit in the bathroom, underpinned on the cold, white sand stone. Without regretting, I let a tear fall on my cheek and I don't bother erase it. Others followed and I just stand here, crying, feeling like a coward because I am not able to control myself.

"This is why you became what you are now, Merlin. You have to stop. You don't want to back from where you left." – I say to myself, but it doesn't help.

I can't stand this situation anymore. I take the syringe, now plumped with a transparent liquid which is supposed to make me feel better. I take a deep breath, still feeling as a coward because I am not able to control my fears, my feelings, my desires; I am not capable of fulfilling my own wishes. The phone is ringing, but I don't want to answer. I raise my jeans and when I look, I see that if I look carefully the scars from last year are still there. I am thinking of what my life was when I was living like this: misery, pain, memories mixed with tears and shouts, swords clashing, deaths happening again and again. And I don't want this, not anymore. Even though I swore that I will not inject until I find Arthur, I fell I can't control myself. I am keeping this syringe in my hands and I can't let it down.

I try to drive away all the guilt I feel and after a few seconds, I put the needle on my skin, letting the liquid flow in my body. I haven't felt so good since ages and I admit I missed it, but I never had the courage to do it. And now, after I heard Arthur's voice on the phone, I felt like I fulfilled my task even though I haven't.

The liquid is flowing in my body, taking away all my thoughts and making me feel like I am free and I can be happy. I go to bed and when I put my head on the pillow, I fall asleep with Arthur's voice in my ear and his face in front of my eyes.