Unpleasant Conversations

"Actually, there is," Neville said, more nervously than he had thought. He didn't like to tell Lestrange but there was no choice. He had to make the necessary examinations, Neville couldn't do this himself and the others hadn't worked with the Memory Potion yet.

Lestrange gave him a questioning look. "What is it?"

"Now that I've seen how the Memory Potion works, I decided that I'd like to try it myself. I don't want to remain my forgetful self if I don't have to you see."

"That's understandable," Lestrange said. "Have you already decided which colleague you want to supervise it?"

Neville was startled. He didn't want to raise a fuss over it and he didn't want to share the things he'd remember with anyone else. Neville was afraid of the reactions and questions this would provoke.

"I thought I was going to take it at home," he said.

Lestrange gave him a doubtful look. "I don't think that's a very good idea. You won't be able to help yourself if there are any side effects you see."

"I'll be able to cope with the side effects," Neville said. He had gone through much worse than a slight headache and nausea on his own before.

"Neville, a lack of sleep definitely seems to strengthen your unreasonable Gryffindor side," Lestrange said. "I don't really have to tell you that the lack of severe side effects in one person doesn't mean that there will never be any, do I?"

"I don't see any reason why it should be different," Neville said stubbornly, annoyed by Lestrange's remark about his "unreasonable Gryffindor side". "I don't want to drag too many people into this."

"This Memory Charm has been cast on you long before your mind and magic were fully developed," Lestrange said ignoring Neville's remark. "This is very likely to make a difference as you should and probably do know. The same goes for your specific magic situation."

Neville sighed. This could be true of course but he didn't really care. He was sure he'd be able to cope.

"Will you get the signature of the spell for me?" he asked. "So I can make the potion."

He normally didn't want Lestrange to use Legilimency on him but if he was warned, he could hide the things he didn't want him to see more easily.

"Of course," Lestrange said. "And if you really want to take the Potion alone, it's your choice. I simply wanted to state that it's not a very reasonable one. I did test your magic once when I started to teach you but we probably should do so again."

The magic test wasn't very complicated if you knew what you were doing. Most people weren't able to feel it at all; Neville could due to his training and grew a bit tense. He couldn't see what Lestrange was seeing but he drew it onto a piece of parchment. Unlike last time Neville knew now how to read those symbols. There were more than there had been; they were intersecting in new ways as well. This was probably due to the new forms of magic he had learned as a Healer. He still noticed something distinctly odd about the pattern though. Right at the beginning, there was a blank part. All the strands of magic had grown around it as if it were an obstacle.

"It doesn't look quite right," he said.

"This is a symbol for the effects of the Memory Charm on your magic. I've told you what happened last time. The spell blocked the magic already there and when your magic developed further, it had to find a way around it. That's why it took so long for your magic to show. When the charm's removed, your magic has to readjust. There will probably be some accidental magic."

"Accidental magic?" Neville asked. He hadn't expected anything like that but it made sense.

"Yes. That's another reason why you should better do it here where all those protective charms against this kind of thing are active."

Neville didn't answer. He didn't like the idea of accidental magic. It happened to other people but it had only happened to him once and even though he had never admitted it, he had been quite glad about that.

"You'll have to take a few days at least off work," Lestrange told him.

"I see. It probably won't be as simple as I hoped," Neville said. It was a bit disappointing but there was nothing he could do about it. He had to do it.

"Alright, will you let me have a look at the effects of the charm on your mind now?"

Neville nodded and made sure to hide everything he needed to hide behind the necessary defence.

"Why am I not surprised that you're picturing your mind like a garden," Lestrange said, obviously not expecting an answer.

Neville was really imagining a garden. A garden with nice patches of flowers and vegetables as well as fruit trees but there were corners full of unchecked weeds and rotting plants as well. He wasn't sure what any of that hid himself, a good method he had learned from a book during his seventh year.

Lestrange didn't bother to look; he seemed to walk through the garden with a clear goal in mind, the Memory Charm. Neville felt as if he were following him. He had never been to this part.

Soon, they stood in front of a huge wall that seemed to rise up into the sky. There were cracks in the wall and some parts seemed to be made of a different material. Things were creeping through some of the cracks.

Neville stared at them in horror.

They looked like vines that had blackened under some sort of poison or disease but they weren't dead. These things had grown around other plants which came through the wall as well, green, flowering plants. The black ones almost throttled them.

The sight made panic course through Neville's body. He wanted to run away, hide from this. The black vines were creeping after him, following him. No matter how far he ran, he couldn't get away from them. He was running in circles, and they were always behind him, almost touching.

"Stop running. Turn around and face it," Lestrange said but Neville couldn't do so.

"You're a Gryffindor. You're brave enough for this."

Gryffindor? Yes, he was a Gryffindor. No matter what happened, he needed to do it. Neville turned around looking at the vine, his body frozen with fear. It crept over his body and seemingly into his head.

Neville was walking through a forest, his mother beside him. He was either very small or the trees very large. The leaves were showing first signs of red and yellow, it must be early autumn. It was raining slightly. Neville walked towards a large white mushroom standing there alone.

"Look Mum, a cham-"he wasn't able to pronounce the world but wanted to grab the mushroom.

"No Neville, that's not a champignon. This mushroom is poisonous, very poisonous. Don't touch it," his mother said.

Neville cried in disappointment. He was a bit scared too.

"Don't cry. There are many others. Look here, many champignons. These should be enough for dinner."

Neville looked at the mushrooms and smiled. "Many cham, many cham," he said eagerly.

His mother took out a knife and cut the mushrooms off before putting them into her basket. Then she stared at one of the trees, her body tense. Neville looked there too but he didn't see anything interesting.

"Neville, we need to go home," his mother said.

Neville was sitting on his chair in Lestrange's office at 's once again. At first, he was completely perplexed, then he felt like a complete idiot. Why the hell had he been so scared of this memory? Why was he acting like a fool anyway, trying to run away from his own memories? That wasn't like him at all. He didn't quite know what to say so he stayed silent.

"There's room for improvement as far as your Occlumency skills are concerned," Lestrange said. "It's rather unhelpful if you hide your memories so well you don't recognise them yourself anymore."

Neville saw no reason to mention that he had never remembered this mushroom excursion before.

"Anyway, the Memory Charm has indeed erased your complete memory at that time as I had suspected. Way too strong for the desired purpose. The person who did it obviously wasn't a trained Obliviator. The spell's not completely intact anymore though. Probably due to the magic you've been in contact with, especially during your last Hogwarts year."

There was no need to mention that the "magic Neville had been in contact with" had been the Cruciatus curse which had been used on him by the Carrows frequently. Neville knew it anyway and he was familiar with this side effect thereof.

"There's one problem though," Lestrange continued. You seem to have attempted to rebuild the damaged Memory Charm with your own magic. The patched parts you've visualised. This probably means that you will fight the effects of the potion as well. This can lead to unpredictable reactions. You should have an emergency Portkey to 's ready and you have to inform your family beforehand. They might have to tell your colleagues what's going on if you aren't able to do so yourself."

"Yes, I'm going to do that," Neville said.

He didn't really want to involve either Hannah or his mother into this but not doing so really seemed foolish now. Even the short Legilimentic check had clearly shown that there might be situations he couldn't control. He wasn't sure how he would have handled the panic this memory had brought him for no real reason if Lestrange hadn't told him what to do. It was quite embarrassing but there was nothing he could do about it. He almost regretted his decision by now but he had to do it. Some things had to be faced no matter how hard they were.

"Well," Lestrange said, handing him the charts he had drawn. "You know how to make the potion. Good luck."

When Neville arrived at home, his mother was in the garden, planting cucumber and tomato plants. She was wearing plain robes but Neville noticed that they fit her properly. She must have been out shopping.

Neville was glad to see her spend the warm spring day outside. He regretted that he would have to spend it asleep but anything else would be foolish. He wouldn't keep himself up with potions so he could sit in the sun. The warm time of the years was only about to begin.

"Good morning, Mum," he said.

"Good morning Neville. Shouldn't you have been home earlier? Where have you been?"

Neville felt slightly annoyed by those questions. He was 26 years old, not 16. It was none of her business when he came home and where he went. If the situation between them had been normal, he would have said so, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. He didn't want to argue with her.

"I had a meeting," he said instead.

"A meeting? With him?"

Neville looked up in exasperation. Why did she ask this kind of question? She knew that she wouldn't like the answer. He would have preferred not to answer at all but his mother would probably guess the truth in this case.

"Yes. We were discussing a new healing potion. Snape and Lestrange have developed it together."

"A new healing potion you say? That can't have been all, can it? You don't look well at all."

Neville sighed. Why did it have to be so easy to guess how he was feeling?

"There's nothing wrong. I'm simply tired. I have spent the last night working as you know." He had to tell her about the Memory Potion at some point but he didn't think this was the right moment. The discussion with Lestrange had left him exhausted. He didn't feel up to having a serious conversation with his mother as well now. It was too easy to say something wrong when he was so tired.

"He told you that I'm supposed to apply for citizenship, hasn't he?"

Neville starred at her. How had she been able to guess that? They had never talked about the subject matter at all. There was no point in denying it though Neville didn't want to talk about anything further so far.

"He mentioned this, yes," he said slowly. "How do you know?"

"Well, Theodore Nott asked me if I was going to do it when we met on the playground last time," Alice responded. "He informed me about the necessary steps and everything. I don't think he meant to threaten me. He probably really thinks it would be better for me."

Neville was surprised that she seemed to be taking this so well. So she already knew more about this than he had before Lestrange had told him.

"What do you think?" he wanted to know.

His mother hesitated for a moment. "It's really hard to say. We need to make the right decision for the specific situation at hand. When I'm sitting in this house on my own, I'm definitely not helping anyone. It feels like betrayal, like giving up."

Neville couldn't deny this. He had felt the same way about it.

"But still, I'd only sign that our side has lost the war so far which is an obvious truth. And it would secure my position here. I'd have more freedom. I agree with you in a way, you can achieve more when you pretend to take part in a way that isn't immoral than when you hide away. Remus and the others have no choice of course, but if you're given one... It's really hard to make the right decision."

"Of course. You don't have to decide this today," Neville said. He was pleasantly surprised about the way his mother had thought this through. Theodore Nott had obviously been quite sensitive when talking to her about it. Neville was grateful for that. It was good that she didn't connect it with Lestrange.

"No, but I shouldn't wait too long, I think. Did Lestrange threaten you in any way?"

Neville didn't know what to say and finally decided to tell the truth before she imagined something worse. "I know this sounds stupid but I'm not quite sure."

Whenever their discussions turned to anything personal Neville wasn't certain if he tried to actually give him sound advice or if he wanted to manipulate him in some way. Maybe it was a little bit of both.

"That doesn't sound stupid at all," Alice said.

He'd probably be glad that they were discussing the subject matter right away, Neville thought. It definitely seemed to be a good moment for his mother even though it wasn't really for him.

"You never know if he spends all this time with you because he actually wants to discuss your work or if he rather tries to keep a constant eye on you," she said.

That was a very accurate description of the situation, Neville thought.

"You're right," he said.

"I'm sure it's not easy for you," his mother said. "Being forced to play a role and hide what you really think and feel. But it's probably the only chance to get along in this Slytherin world."

"Probably," Neville said.

It was the first time he could remember that he and his mother were actually able to discuss the problems at hand. He always tended to get the feeling that she couldn't cope with it and that he had to protect her. Maybe he hadn't been entirely right about this.

"I'm trying my best as well now," she said. "And I'm not quite sure what I'm supposed to believe. Sometimes I think that people like Dylan Mulciber or Lisa Turpin are really doing nothing but protect us from criminals like we used to in the past. Then I'm starting to see them as Death Eaters again. It keeps changing."

"I'm feeling the same way," Neville said. "And I'm really glad that I have this neutrality as a Healer. I'm obliged to help everyone who needs it, that's making many decisions easier."

"I'm quite surprised that they kept the Healing Oath," Alice said. "It doesn't fit Voldemort. He wants to control everything."

"Lestrange says he wouldn't care about the healthcare system enough to get involved there personally," Neville said. "He thinks that Voldemort believes healing magic is for the weak."

"A wizard of Voldemort's skill and learning wouldn't believe anything as foolish as that," Alice said. "Healing magic is dangerous to him for two reasons. It can undo much of the damage he does which is quite inconvenient to a wizard like Voldemort. It can also be used as a weapon and offers ways to harm others that aren't available to people without this gift."

The very idea of using his healing magic as a weapon disgusted Neville. It went against everything he had sworn.

"Mum, I would never use my gift to-"

"I never said that you would do this. The possibility exists however and I'm quite certain that Voldemort is aware of this."

"I don't really know," Neville said. "But why are you telling me this? Do you think Voldemort sees me as a threat and has Lestrange watch me for this reason?"

"I assume that he doesn't fully trust you at least," his mother told him. "I also don't believe that he trusts Lestrange. Actually, I even suspect that he wants you to watch him as well. He probably expects that you wouldn't protect him."

Neville was too tired to really grasp all those theories.

"I've talked to Remus and Andromeda on Monday when Hannah had the children," Alice explained. "I've been asking myself what my part in this entire game is supposed to be for a very long time, you know. Did Voldemort order Lestrange to give me the potion so you would side with them? Was it Lestrange's own idea and did Voldemort accept it or did he do it on his own? If that's true, how did Voldemort react?"

"I can understand that you'd like to know this," Neville said. "I don't really know either though. Voldemort didn't seem to mind it though."

He shivered slightly as he remembered his one meeting with Voldemort. The discussion with the Order members explained why his mother was suddenly thinking about all those things.

"I didn't expect you to know," Alice said. "I don't really like being some part in their game, maybe even in some test of power between those two. I'm not sure what's going to happen when I actually do sign this declaration. There might be some sort of hidden trap. Another reason for me to keep up the status quo."

"You don't have to decide this right away," Neville said. He believed that it was time to end this conversation for now. It was bad luck that he was so tired when his mother felt able to talk but he couldn't change it. He wasn't able to say many sensible things now.

"Maybe we'll get information that makes it easier," he added. "I'm really tired now though and I think I should go to bed. Let's continue talking about this some other time."

"Alright. I need to finish the planting anyway."

No matter how tired he was, Neville wasn't sure how quickly he'd be able to fall asleep. He had heard so many things this morning. The idea that there might be some sort of trouble between Lestrange and Voldemort was unexpected and Neville didn't really believe it.

He was glad that his mother had such a good day however and that she was able to think about their present situation after all. Maybe she would finally get better if no one caused new trouble.