Alice's War

Neville opened his eyes. His room was quite bright even though the curtains were closed. He must have slept far into the morning. The dreams or rather memories were still vivid in his mind. Neville understood why the mushroom memory had frightened him so much now. They had already been threatened back then and his mother had known it. She had known that she was being followed but no one had believed her.

If they had believed her, they might have never been attacked. If the Ministry had believed Alice about the Lestranges and put them into Azkaban they would have been safe. If Frank had not insisted on trying to hunt down the remnants of Voldemort, they wouldn't have had a reason to go after them.

Neville knew that these thoughts were futile but he couldn't chase them away completely. Thinking of the life he could have had, if he had remained with his parents, brought him close to tears.

He was angry at this Auror Dawlish who had made him forget it all. Why had he done this? The other Auror had been right; it had done far more harm than good. Neville didn't remember much about the attack anyway. He could still see clearly what he had just seen while asleep but the other memories were different. He didn't remember anything distinct, only random words and images. Lestrange speaking the curse, "Crucio", Bellatrix' shrill voice, she spoke very differently now, at least most of the time and his mother, telling Neville's father not to say anything for her sake.

Never before had Neville longed to see his father again so much. He had fled from Saint Mungo's and no one knew what had become of him. Neville had assumed that he must have died but he knew that the family tree painted on the wall of the hall didn't show his death date.

There was still a flicker of hope but Neville wasn't quite sure if it was really hope. How much must his father have changed to leave his wife alone like that? They had seemed so very close. Neville's mother had changed a lot as well. She used to be so vibrant and strong-willed, so full of life. Alice in his memories had smiled and laughed so much, he hardly ever saw her do this anymore. Comparing his mother back then and his mother now made it quite clear that she had never really recovered. Her memory had returned, her magic been mended but that wasn't enough.

Neville swallowed. The worst thing was that he didn't know how to help her.

His mother had never gotten the complete therapy the other Cruciatus curse patients received, he was aware of that. They were given the potion specifically made to counter the curses used on them first. Afterwards, Neville would monitor them to see if the potion did its work. Sometimes, one dose was enough, in other cases many were needed and sometimes, as with Ginny Weasley even that yielded no result. When the patient started to regain his or her memory, Neville would use Legilimency to make sure that they remembered something positive first, something which strengthened their will to live and fight off the curse. Even that hadn't been done for Alice because Neville hadn't learned it yet at this point and the only other people who were able to do it had been Lestrange and Healer Derwent in the USA. Hestia had accompanied her but she couldn't use Legilimency. Alice had managed it without this help though.

Normally, the patients' therapy wasn't finished at this point though. They received physical and magical training which Alice had gotten as well and Neville spend time talking to them. There were three stages of this. During the first stage, the patient had to learn to feel safe again. He needed positive contact with other people, techniques to deal with fear and he also had to learn to accept his body again. Many of the patients didn't take care of themselves, refused to eat or suffered from inexplicable symptoms because of the hatred for themselves they had developed. When these things had been taken care of, stage two could begin.

Neville believed that his mother had managed stage one somehow but he didn't really see how stage two was supposed to be done.

It was about dealing with the memories. The patient told Neville about his memories in detail and they talked about them until they became bearable. This would help the patient to deal with them like he did with other ordinary memories rather than having uncontrollable flashbacks.

Neville found this extremely hard even with patients he didn't know. He had managed to stay strong for them most of the time but the things he had seen and heard from them had haunted him for quite a while afterwards.

He didn't know if he could do this with his own mother. Neville actually made an active attempt to suppress any connections between his patients' stories and what his mother must have gone through herself. Still, he knew that someone probably had to do it for her, maybe his trainee when she had learned enough.

The third stage was about helping the patient to find a perspective for his future, something Alice still didn't seem to have.

Neville sighed. He probably wouldn't be able to solve this problem now even though he needed to do something about it. If he wanted the help of young Miss Prewett, he had to start her training soon and for this, he needed to make sure he didn't waste any time before he returned to work.

The first thing he needed now was a shower. He hadn't washed for a few days and it was really necessary. While standing under the shower, another thought came to his mind. Could it be that his lack of memories about the actual attack wasn't a coincidence? He had been sure he would remember everything he had witnessed back then but he had not done so. Had Lestrange influenced which memories he was going to see in some way? Neville knew that he was able to do that. Well, there was nothing Neville could do about it if he had done so. Neville hadn't been able to do it without his help and he had to be grateful that Lestrange had agreed to visit them in the middle of the night. Had he met Neville's mother? Neville wasn't quite sure anymore but he believed that they had all been in his room at one point. He hoped she hadn't taken this too badly.

Before he went downstairs to meet his family, Neville went back to his room and changed his bed sheets. They really needed it and he didn't want to leave too much work to their elderly House Elf.

"Hello Neville."

He turned around and saw his mother standing in the door.

"So you're better?"

"Yes, I'm fine," Neville said. "Only hungry. How long have I been ill?" He kept himself from asking how she was because he didn't want to remind her of something bad she wasn't thinking about at the moment.

"It's been five days since you've taken the potion," Alice told him. "You've been ill for three days and have slept for almost two. I'm glad you're hungry that probably means you're really better."

"Yes, I think I'm fine," Neville said.

"What are we supposed to eat?" his mother asked. "It's about ."

"What about pancakes?" Neville asked.

"Alright," Alice said. "Though Debbie will be upset when she hears that we've made them without her." She smiled slightly and Neville felt reminded of the younger Alice he had seen in his memories. Maybe she wasn't completely gone after all.

They went into the kitchen and Neville fetched a few apples which Alice peeled with her wand. He didn't dare to use his own yet, not after the magic problems he had suffered. Helping her like this, Neville felt reminded of the memory where had "helped" his father making dinner. Tears welled up in his eyes again.

His mother was quick to notice. "What's the matter, Neville?"

Neville sighed. "I've only remembered something. About how I've been cooking with, with Dad. We've made baked tomatoes."

"Oh yes, you loved them," Alice said. "But you never wanted to eat your bread."

Neville smiled sadly. He remembered that part as well.

"So you really can remember things from back then now?" she asked.

"Yes, I can," Neville said. "There are some things I've seen while I was asleep and they're very clear. I can't remember the rest very well though."

"That's normal I think," his mother said. "Children usually don't remember much from this age. Will you tell me about the things you've seen? I'd like to know if it's the same I'm remembering as well. If they're real memories and not only dreams."

She put the first round of pancakes into the pan.

Neville hesitated. He didn't know what those stories would do to her. Many of the memories had had to do with the attack and the events leading to it after all.

"Do you know where Hannah and the children are?" he asked instead. The house seemed really quite.

"Francis and Deborah are still at the Macmillans'," his mother said. "They've agreed to take them for the entire week. Their house is big and their children like company Susan told me. Hannah had to go back to work today. One of her colleagues is ill and she has to do the catering for some sort of Quidditch tournament."

"Alright," Neville said.

"She was quite upset because she had to leave you but I told her it's no problem. It might actually be better if she isn't here right away. These memories are about us and she doesn't know anything about it. Do you know who cast the Memory Charm on you?"

Neville sighed. She really wanted to know what he remembered. Normally, he would have been glad about her resolve but this time, he would rather have kept quiet.

"It's been Dawlish," he told her.

"Oh yes, I'm not surprised," Alice said, taking the cakes out of the pan and putting another round of dough in.

"Really? Did he do this kind of thing often?"

"John Dawlish used to be a very competent Auror," Alice explained. "That is, until he went looking for Voldemort in the Balkans region."

"Oh yes, he and his team didn't return," Neville said, remembering one of the conversations between his parents. "So Dad and his team were able to rescue them?"

"Yes. They could free the entire team with the exception of Peter Summers. He had been killed during their capture. A group of Serbian dark wizards and witches. They presumably abducted them because they had gotten too close to something important to them. Frank never found out anything more. It wasn't what they were there for."

"So they weren't involved with the Death Eaters?" Neville asked. His curiosity was stronger than his desire to keep troubling subjects away from his mother.

"Not that we know of. No Serbian Death Eaters have ever been captured," Alice said. "Dawlish and his team members were treated in the Serbian wizarding hospital. Their injuries were healed but Frank thought that Dawlish hasn't been the same ever since. He must have suffered some damage to his magic but refused to get it checked. Frank told me to persuade him to go to Saint Mungo's. I used to be quite good at this kind of thing you know. Hard to believe now, isn't it? Anyway, I never got the chance to do so and it doesn't seem as if Dawlish has ever done anything about it.

"You remember this well," Neville said. "It's so many years ago and you didn't take a potion to do so."

"To me, it feels as if it had been only yesterday," Alice said. "I was quite shocked when I heard how much time I had really spent at Saint Mungo's you know. I had lost track of time completely in there."

Neville quickly put the rest of the pancakes on the plate before they got burned. She hadn't looked at them anymore. He realised that it had been a stupid thing to say. He knew how much she lived in the past.

"Shall we eat now?" He tried to change the subject.

"Yes, I know you must be hungry. I'll eat one as well; I didn't have too much for breakfast. I never do, you know that."

Neville swallowed. The fact that she needed to be told to eat almost always made him wonder if she had even really completed stage one. Sometimes, feeling sad made Neville lose his appetite as well but not this time. He was too hungry.

"You always liked those pancakes as a child too," Alice said. "Do you remember them as well?"

Neville did but it was only one of those unclear memories. He hadn't seen them in the more distinct ones.