Chapter 2

Shay couldn't handle the dreams anymore, but there was no way she could talk to Kelly about them. Dawson was her closest female friend that wasn't an ex-lover and she had certainly seen Dawson through enough emotional turmoil with Matt Casey to have banked up a few lifetimes of reciprocal girlfriend talk. At least Dawson looked radiant instead of exhausted at six months pregnant with triplets.

"You look tired," Dawson said.

"I've been having trouble sleeping,' Shay said.

"So when are you seeing a doctor?" Dawson asked.

Shay knew it was a valid question. Sleep deprivation jeopardized her competency on the job. However she hadn't wanted to admit to anybody what she had been going through, least of all some anonymous bitch with a God complex because she sure as hell wasn't going to Kendra or her regular M.D. Dawson would be a good trial run. If she could explain it to her, she could face the shrinks. "Last week during the ice storm we lost power. Kelly and I slept spoon style to stay warm. He got a hard on that could have been used for pounding nails."

Dawson acted nonchalant. "He probably just needed to go to the bathroom. It's natural with guys, but I can see how it would make you nervous."

"It didn't make me nervous. It made me wet. And since then I keep having these dreams and they are not me! I could understand it maybe if I was riding his face but it's always more than that, either I'm jockeying him or he's on top me and the sex is always so good when I wake up it feels like the sheets are moist." She noticed Dawson's stunned expression and stopped. That had been way too much information. "Sorry," she muttered. "It's just been driving me crazy. Being around him has been driving me crazy. I may have to move out and I don't want to do that because we have always been each other's best friends."

"You're attracted to Severide. Most of the woman in Chicago are." Dawson said quickly.

"I am a lesbian!" Shay said.

"Maybe your bisexual? Plenty of people are. It's no different from being exclusively straight or exclusively gay. Kelly Severide is very, very sexy, plus the two of you have been close for the past eight months and you had a lot of history before." Dawson said. "Of course, the real question is not whether or not you are bisexual, but are you going to do anything about?"

"So I should move out," Shay said.

"Why would you want to move out of a great apartment that you share with your best friend?" Dawson objected.

"Because he is my best friend. I'm not going to risk ruining that because I am having wet dreams about him." Shay said.

"Maybe that isn't going to ruin your friendship. Maybe it's going to change everything into something even better. Kelly and you have the rhythm of lovers, long time, very passionate, utterly adoring lovers. People who don't know you guys well assume you're a couple. And sometimes when I see the way Kelly looks at you." Dawson said.

"What do you mean the way he looks at me?" Shay felt suddenly apprehensive that the mess she was in had been obvious to everyone around her.

"When he thinks no one can see him looking Kelly looks at you like I hope Matt does when I am not able to see his expression. If you're attracted to him, and you know he's attracted to you, maybe it's because there is something there." Dawson said.

The pregnancy hormones had definitely fried Dawson's brain. "It'll all be over by next Monday," Shay said.

"You're going to talk with him?" Dawson's expression indicated she doubted Shay was capable of confronting Kelly on this issue.

"We're taking a long-day weekend and going to this cabin his family owns on the Lake. It supposed to be because I've been under too much stress and need to relax." Shay explained.

"That sounds so romantic. Matt and I didn't even have a real honeymoon. We spent the weekend eating leftovers from the reception while he wallpapered the nursery." Dawson said.

Shay gave up trying to get good advice out of Dawson. Whatever happened this weekend, she was going to have to navigate through it mostly blind. And that scared her almost as much as the possibility of losing Kelly forever.

The cabin was beautiful; no overdone gingerbread decorations just clean straight lines of solid wood with blue and gray trim. It wasn't gigantic either, but just enough to be an escape by the Lake with room for people to relax without it being a hassle to keep clean. "How long has your family had this place?" Shay asked.

"Two decades. Come summer it's a madhouse with all the kids," Kelly said grabbing their bags out of the trunk.

"And this weekend?" she asked.

"Just us," he said.

A weekend in a secluded cabin with a man she was struggling not to be attracted to. Yeah, this was really going to be relaxing. When they got inside, it was worse than she expected. The interior of the cabin was plain browns and greens, but it had a weathered quality she found very appealing, not to mention the mention the furniture looked very, very comfortable. Three large deer heads had been mounted over the fireplace and there were stuffed ducks along the walls. It reminded her of Uncle Etienne's place. That was probably the only house in Louisiana she actually missed.

"I put your bag in the first bedroom. It's the largest." Kelly said.

"How many bedrooms are there?" There better be more than one.

"There's four downstairs though that last one's barely bigger than a closet. The upstairs is all one big loft with about six beds. It's where all the kids get exiled." He explained.

"Not bad," she admitted trying to imagine Severide cousins with kids and Kelly playing with them. He was probably their favorite uncle.

"You look tired. Why don't you go lay down and I'll fix lunch." He suggested.

The bed was an oasis of cool, white sheets. Maybe all she needed was real sleep to get images of Kelly out of her head. It was probably too much to ask for the small town they had passed through to have a dyke bar, but a girl could dream. She woke up when Kelly knocked on her door. At least he hadn't come into the room to wake her up.

The kitchen smelled of steaks and baked potatoes cooked over charcoal. Their table had a cloth and blue enamel dishes. No candles or flowers, but it was a seduction meal even if he had the sense to serve her beer rather than wine. She should be angry. On the other hand she knew that Kelly had never made so much effort with any woman before. But that shouldn't give any satisfaction. This was wrong. It was all really wrong. She brought the matter to a head. "What's this really about?"

He tried to deflect the question. "Eating a nutritionally balanced lunch."

"You know what I mean: this weekend, the cabin, you cooking for me. Kelly, I have always respected you, despite everything, because you never tried to hit on me." She said.

Her words hung in the air between them, but she could see the calculations going on behind his eyes. Obviously, he hadn't expected her to be so direct. His gaze met hers, soft and vulnerable, the way Kelly rarely was in life. The cocky hero had disappeared at least for awhile and he looked almost nervous. "That's not how I meant anything."

He started to reach for her hand over the table, but stopped. Smart move. At this point, she would have jabbed him with a fork.

"We've been friends for long time, but lately things have been strained," he said.

"We've both been too isolated from other people. In a few weeks things will be back to normal." She said.

"Or maybe we finally let our guards down long enough for our real emotions to surface," he said. "You're my best friend, but sometimes I think there's more. And don't say we're not right for each other because the way I see it we may not be right for anyone else. It can't be any harder to say together than it has been to stay apart."

"Smooth, but I liked it better in the Cutting Edge," she said.

"It's the most romantic movie I can remember lines from. It's probably one of the most romantic movies you remember. That's why were so good together, we have the same taste." He said.

"We did both sleep with Corrine," she reminded him.

That seemed to knock him off course for a few minutes. "Okay, not my finest moment, but it was just sex," he said.

"Same here. It was always just sex between her and me." Why had she admitted that? It shouldn't matter because Kelly was not a potential love interest or even a sex interest. She did not choose to think about him that way.

Unfortunately, he kept talking. "Truth is most of the appeal was that she had been with you. You can't say it would be that way if you and me get together. You're the only woman I've ever thought, yeah, I can spend the next fifty years living with her."

She channeled all the ice she could into her throat. "Aren't you forgetting something? I like women."

"I think you would like me that way too if we worked on it," he said.

"You're ego doesn't quit, does it? What is this? Let me guess, turning a lesbian is item one or two on Kelly Severide's all-time guy list? I can't believe you would try this macho bullshit on me." she said.

"It's not ego. You know things have changed. When I kissed you at Otis's wedding, the world burned to ash around me." He said.

She had tried to forget about that kiss. It had been too rich and too much of a rush like doing shots of crème de menthe topped with melted fudge.

He moved closer. At least he still wasn't trying to touch her. "After Otis' wedding I didn't go home with a bridesmaid. I drove around the city and wished I could go home to you. Really go home that is. I just wanted to get back to the apartment, climb into bed with you, and not leave until we had to get up for work."

"Should have gone home with a bridesmaid," Shay said.

His eyes burned. "It wasn't about sex and you know it."

"You're willing to throw away years of friendship for a fling?" She hoped he could feel the full the acid in her voice.

He shook his head. "No, you've got it all wrong. I don't want a fling with you. I want to marry you."

"You're out of your mind!" Kelly had finally crossed that line where his behavior went from erratic to absolutely crazy.

"No, I am thinking right for the first time in a long while. We're best friends. There's nobody I love more than you. We'll work on the sex until we get it right for both of us." He said. He finally made contact with her over the tabletop. Just their fingertips touched, but it felt more powerful, an electric current running from his body to hers, and she couldn't pull away. "It hurt when you lost Wesley. I know we can't just replace him, but if we had a baby together no one could take that child away from you."

A soft smile crossed his lips. She knew that smile. At least, it was genuine. "You wanted me to be your sperm donor, so I know you don't have objections to my DNA. This would be even better. Our kid would have a family; a mother and a father together."

She had wanted him as sperm donor, but what he was suggesting was too crazy, too dangerous. "You know what this is Kelly? All your friends are married, having families, and oh, my god, Matt Casey is about to be the father of triplets. You just can't stand not being part of the competition and I am the only woman still speaking to you who is not a straight up slut or somebody's wife." Why did her voice always go high when she got mad? Life would be so much easier if she got gravely with rage instead of this magpie screech. Hopefully, Kelly had known her long enough to know this was her angry voice.

"You know me better than that," he said.

"I don't know you at all! Not if you can say, seriously what you just said to me!" She got up from the table. She had to get away from Kelly because right now all she wanted to strangle him. Fury was a white, hot flame consuming her body. In her mind she could see her hands going around his throat, his face turning red, his eyes careening in spasms from the lack of oxygen. She knew it was impossible for her to physically overpower him though, but it didn't stop her from wanting to pummel him. Except she knew her hands would only hit hard muscle. It would probably hurt her fists more than it would hurt him, but she so wanted to pound him.

"Calm down," Kelly said.

"Fuck you!" She grabbed her jacket and headed for the door. She absolutely hated it when anyone tried to handle her, especially Kelly. How dare he? How dare he act like he was the rational one when he ready to throw away years of friendship for a roll in the sheets? She shouldn't be surprised. He always had been just walking gland. But she thought Kelly was different, the one man who understood her, respected her, cared about her. In the end they were all alike. Bastards!