Chapter 5

Kelly parked the car in front of the fire station then leaned over to her, but she dodged him. "One kiss before we have to spend the next forty-eight hours not touching each other," he said.

"If I do that everyone will know," she said.

"Everyone is going to know the minute I take my pants off," he reminded her. "Mistress please," he whispered.

"Stop that." She pushed on his shoulder. Ever since they had visited that sex shop bondage terms had been slipping into his vocabulary. It was getting irritating. "Everyone is going to think we're freaks."

"So," he responded, then he leaned in close again. "I got news for you, they already think we're freaks."

His eyes were more beautiful than a man's should be. She felt herself melting. He was wearing that thing. She couldn't believe he had even bought it, let alone that he would wear it. She could handle a kiss as long as he didn't put his tongue in her mouth. If he did that, she would have a meltdown and they would possibly end up having sex on the front seat of the car. "No tongue?"

He nodded solemnly and she pressed her lips against his. Sweet bliss! She felt his fingers sliding between her shirt buttons and was about the scream at him to stop, but he only pulled his Saint Florian medal out and laid it out in the open against her shirt. Still the touch left her wired. This was going to be the longest forty-eight hours of her life. She got out of the car before Kelly could try to open the door for her or do something else equally stupid. People always did stupid things right after they started having sex. She always hated that. Her phone rang. Dawson, again! She shut it off and trudged into the firehouse. She couldn't deal with all this right now.

The kiss in the car left his lips stinging in an all too good way, but was more important than that. He knew the guys at the table had watched. Acclimating them to the new reality with the least amount of trouble was his morning priority. Judging from the whispers and the hanging lips when he reached the table he was off to a slightly better than he had hoped for start.

Capp spoke first. "Did I just see what I thought I saw?"

This was no time for attitude. Kelly kept his expression neutral. "Yeah, Shay and I sorted out some stuff this weekend.."

A chorus of woes went around the table. Capp raised his hand in half of a high five. "If anyone can turn a lesbian . . ." Capp's comment died on his lips and he put his arm down quickly.

"Actually, she turned me," Kelly said.

"Into what?" Capp asked.

"A monogamist. Shay's going to be my wife." Kelly announced.

The silence was absolute. There were rules at the table. Fireflies, one-nights, and even girlfriends were fair game for just about anything anyone wanted to suggest, but wives were off-limits. Heads started to nod. Congratulations were forth coming because Shay was smoking hot and low-maintenance. After that it was life as usual. Sometimes his gaze strayed to Shay when she walked across the fire station, but he knew they weren't in high school, so making out in storage rooms and closets weren't options. Still he thought about it, among other things, such as how lonely sleeping alone that night was going to be. Then there was that moment when she passed by a little too close and his urges for touching her were almost too great to resist. But he did resist though that would have made for a great and perfect morning, Shay in his arms, surrounded by his squad, life couldn't have got any better for Kelly Severide. He got called into Chief Boden's office mid afternoon.

"Both you and Shay have been at this fire station a long time, so I am going to assume that you can both conduct yourself in professional manner despite any changes that occur outside of work," Boden said.

"Absolutely, sir," he said.

"Now about the unusual device you and Shay have chosen to symbolize your relationship," Boden said.

"It's not going to create a safety issue with any of our equipment, if that's what you are thinking?" Kelly said.

"What I am thinking is that if you were a woman, I would be dragging you to a domestic violence counselor right now. But since you're about twice Shay's weight, so I'm going to assume you can look after yourself." Boden said.

"I appreciate that, Chief," Kelly said.

"You couldn't have just bought her a ring?" Boden asked.

"I'm trying," Kelly admitted.

"What?" Boden asked.

Okay, maybe he shouldn't have shared that with Chief Boden. "She won't marry me because she thinks it wouldn't mean anything and that I would eventually cheat on her. I got to convince her I won't stray."

Boden nodded. "You may be wearing that thing for a long time."

Casey cornered her at the kitchen table.

"Gaby's bringing me some extra shirts," he said.

"You have a very caring and devoted wife." Shay tried to appear engrossed in her paperwork.

A hand came down in the middle of her pages. "Will you please go talk to her when she gets here, so my six-months pregnant with triplets wife doesn't have to make up excuses to waddle down here to check on you."

Dawson still had her luminous pregnancy glow. It was beginning to freak Shay out. No woman should look so happy when she obviously had to be so uncomfortable. "What happened? Tell me everything. Matt won't tell me anything. He says you've got to be the one to tell me."

It was wrong and she knew it was wrong, but Shay prayed for a run. "Let's go outside."

They went to the car. "You're coming to work together now?" Dawson exclaimed.

"We live together. We've always carpooled." Except for the nights when at least one of use wanted to chase women. Dawson had to be starved for excitement.

"What happened?" Dawson demanded.

"We went to the cabin. He asked me to marry him. We fought. I almost froze to death. We screwed like crazed weasels in heat." Shay said.

"Wait! Wait, you got a marriage proposal from a man, from Kelly Severide, the first time you had sex with him?" Dawson was too enthusiastic.

Actually girlfriend it was before we ever even had sex. But this wasn't a female pissing contest over who got her man fastest. She had never even wanted a man at all. This just happened and now she had to deal with it. Dawson was supposed to be her friend. She was supposed to be sympathetic listener when there were problems and God knows she had done a lot of listening with Dawson about Matthew Casey and Peter Mills. Shay's frustrations boiled over. "This isn't a soap opera for your amusement. It's my life and it's messy and it's hard. And he's getting weird."

Dawson returned to her adult face. "All relationships are hard. You think I don't clutch my pregnant belly every time Matt mentions Hallie? Sometime I lie awake at night wondering if I am going to watch my children's father stroll out the door one day to be with a woman he loves more."

So Dawson did still worry about Casey and Hallie. Or it could be pregnancy hormones creating paranoia. Either way she owed her friend some comfort. "Casey reminds me a lot of my Cajun uncles. Guys like that don't leave their children."

Dawson nodded then her expression changed back to perky, too perky. "What did you mean by he's getting weird?"

Some things she hadn't planned on telling anybody except Kelly was putting their business out there anyway. All she could really do was try for damage control and hope the worst rumors died before they made it too far out of the fire station. "We went to a sex shop. He bought this thing. It's supposed to a be a chastity belt for a man." Shay felt the heat rising in her face. She pulled her necklace out of her shirt and showed Dawson the key hanging behind the medal. "I don't think wearing it can hurt him. He said he's going wear it as long as it takes for me to believe he's faithful. And he's been using bondage terms. It's really annoying."

"Maybe he wants to be dominated. There's a very long line of women who would say he deserves it." Dawson said; then, burst out laughing. "Oh, my god! I just imagined Kelly Severide in slave gear. He would be so adorable with a ball gag and a few well-placed leather straps."

"I don't want that kind of relationship." Shay started to protest; then, she stopped cold. Relationship? Time to face facts, she and Kelly were in relationship territory and it was every bit as excruciatingly fucked up as her life ever could be.

"Then you've got to tell him what kind of relationship you do want." Dawson said. "Now about the proposal, tell me every detail."

"I don't want to talk about it," Shay said. She had too much to think over.

"Indulge me. All I got was Matt saying, well, I guess we ought to get married, after the pee stick turned blue. He was wearing paint covered sweatpants." Dawson said.

"It was just a marriage proposal," Shay said. At the moment it happened her emotions had been running high. Now that she had time to think it over, it occurred to her that the proposal, simple and sweet without any overblown romantic gestures, had been actually how she had always wanted a lover to ask that question. She gazed into Dawson's impatient, but excited eyes and then back at her belly. "He said I don't want a fling with you, I want to marry you."

Now Dawson's eyes sparkled. "That is so romantic."

Shay could hear the voices when she went back into the firestation. It wasn't like she thought it wouldn't happen. Until Peter Mills got caught screwing someone's daughter or Hermann's bar failed, she and Kelly would be the hottest gossip topic around.

"All I am saying is it's freaky." Okay that was Hermann, but Hermann probably thought anything other than the missionary position with the lights off was freaky.

Otis checked in. "It's not our place to judge."

"I could see how a guy would do a lot for the right woman." Peter Mills must still carry torch for Dawson.

Then Mouch made the comment that really shocked her. "If I was in Shay's place, I would do the same thing."

Judging from the chorus of whats that followed, her surprise had been merited.

"Get out of here. You're not that freaky." Hermann said that. Hermann and Mouch had enough years together that he could make that statement.

"All I am saying is if I was a woman involved with Severide, hell, yeah, I would make him lock it up. I would be looking for some way to police his mouth to." Mouch said.

The hell with it! She jerked open the door. Silence fell like a concrete block. Good, at least they still respected the fact that she could get angry. Then all the guys scattered. She knew that was at Mouch's orchestration. Might as well get it over it. She dropped down onto the chair opposite Mouch. "Say it."

"Have you had him tested?" Mouch asked.

Okay that was not what she had expected.

Mouch continued. "We both know lesbians have a much lower HIV rate than the general population and you aren't stupid. But you don't know all of where he's been and you know he has been stupid at least a few times."

She nodded and decided not to tell Mouch that after all the body fluids that had passed between them this weekend anything Kelly had she probably also had now. Besides the risk wasn't as great as Mouch imagined. She knew enough about Kelly's sex life to know he was more careful than most everyone else thought. In all these years, he had never been hit with a paternity suit or a positive STI test. "How should I handle the rest of the station?"

Mouch seemed unconcerned. "Don't handle them. They got over you dating women. They'll get over this. But you let him handle his squad."

"He told them we were engaged. I don't need him to protect me." Shay said.

"That wasn't about protecting you. That was about him not having to fight every asshole in the Chicago Fire Department. Now do your part and protect him by not saying anything to deny what he said." Mouch said.

"All right," she agreed. She felt cold, icy cold, and freezing inside.

Mouch laid a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "Are you okay?"

"Why do I feel so scared? It didn't feel this bad with Clarice." she said.

"You didn't love her as much," Mouch said. "He'll be a good man, if he can stay faithful."

"And if he doesn't?" Shay asked.

"Throw your little key in the Lake before you kick him to curb. You're strong enough." Mouch replied.

Back at their apartment everything was strained not like the cabin. Maybe what they had there couldn't be duplicated in the real world. After she unlocked him for the night and he said, thank you, Mistress, she exploded. "Stop it! Just stop it! You heard some new words at the sex shop. I get it. But it's not funny."

He looked almost hurt. "I was trying to come up with something other than honey or baby."

"I'm Shay. My name was Shay before. It's Shay now." Principle established, now carry on.

"Okay," he replied. Then, he turned up the charm. His gaze glided down her body. "I thought you might like dominating me."

"I don't want to dominate you, I just want to love you," Shay said.

He grabbed her up in his arms. "That's the first time you've said it since this weekend."

After dinner he carried her upstairs. "I think I could get use to this," she admitted crossing her legs behind his back. He didn't feel completely human right there more like a steel construction beam capable of locomotion.

"These arms were made to hold you," he said.

She giggled. "You didn't actually use that line on some woman?"

He laid her down on the bed. "No, but it's not a line if I really believe it."

They kissed soft and sweet at first then it grew deeper until flames lapped across her body. Luckily she had one of Chicago's best fireman on top of the matter. Afterwards Kelly wrapped his arms around her and wouldn't let her leave. "Uh, uh, we sleep in the same bed whenever possible."

His kisses were so rich and his arms so warm, she couldn't imagine replying any way other than, "Of course." Whenever he smiled her heart did a back flip, but she managed to wiggle out of his arms. "I just want to clean up a little. You left me really wet this time."

She couldn't believe it. He looked embarrassed. His arm moved under the sheet and that expression deepened "I'm sorry, Shay. My condom broke."

It didn't register at first. For so many years birth control had never been issue in her life. Then like a sledgehammer, it hit her. It was now and the only one of them that had been using anything had been Kelly. She should have got dressed immediately and gone to the ER for the morning after pill. It wouldn't have been an issue. Any doctor she knew would have written the prescription in the blink of an eye no explanations necessary. And this was Chicago, not Louisiana, finding a twenty-four hour pharmacy to fill it wouldn't have a problem either. But instead of doing exactly what she should do, she slumped down on the bed not wanting to think about the possibilities, but not able to stop. She touched her vagina and drew back sticky fingers. What did she expect? He had testicles worthy of an Angus bull.

His arms were warm around her again. He wiped off her fingers. "Hey, it's not like I haven't spent the last week proposing to you. If something happened, that's not a bad thing."

Her thoughts were not so romantic. "It's too soon. It would be a disaster in the making like Casey and Dawson."

He pressed his lips against her forehead. "No, it's not. I don't have a stick up my ass or a crush on my ex-girlfriend."

She could feel his lips working down to her neck. For what it was worth he could match any woman in tender foreplay, but she shouldn't let him use sex as a way to avoid talking. He picked her up from the bed. "Come on. I want to take a shower with you."

It was a mistake. They were dancing on the edge of the abyss. She should have stopped him and made him talk this out. But the water was so soothing and he was so soothing in the way he bathed her, dried her off, and slid her arms into one of his pajama tops. It was the plaid one, at least it didn't smell like him, but the fact that she was wearing that one, and she knew he hadn't picked it up by accident, screwed with her head. It was too neat and tidy like living in a Lifetime TV movie. There had been a time back when she thought it would be her and Clarice for life when she had planned to ask him to be their sperm donor. Kelly genes would definitely make a pretty baby. But having a child with him like this, as a heterosexual couple? It was a scenario she had never imagined let alone planned. The only thing she really knew for certain was that she had always intended to have kid someday. An arm went under her chest. They had slept this way at the cabin. Even now it was easy for her to fall asleep this way.

The sun was clear and golden the next morning. She was still terrified out of her mind, but at least it was a beautiful day. Kelly noticed her mood. His manner was subdued in the extreme. They said very few words over breakfast and after awhile he wouldn't look her in the eye. Finally a hand shot out and covered hers. She could feel him tremble. That was certainly new. "Should I take you to the ER?" he asked.

He had thrown the ball into her court without an argument. That was only right. Her body, her decision. Except that she knew by his stone set jaw and watery eyes that he had a lot of opinions on the subject. She had to make a decision. She had always intended to have kid. Kelly was her best friend. They had been the constants in each other's lives when everything else fell apart. It can't be any harder to stay together than it has been to stay apart. That was the most cliched line she had ever heard, but Kelly was right it was from the most romantic heterosexual movie she remembered. She remembered something else. The Kelly Severide she had always known didn't use lines. His body and those fabulous smiles of his were usually all it took to get women into his bed. "I like Darden," she said. Judging from his open mouth and confused gaze he couldn't connect the dots yet, so she continued. "Darden, it works for both genders, don't you think?"

He got her meaning. Tears ran down those chiseled cheeks. She grabbed some tissue and wiped his eyes. "Stop it. Stop it! This isn't us."

"You won't regret it. I promise." He said.

"I better not," Shay said. And suddenly she was crying. He started kissing her and they didn't make it in for their shifts that day.