You wake up feeling detached- your limbs heavy, your head throbbing, gravity seemingly non-existent. You doze off easily- you can't even force yourself to open your eyes, and before you know it, you are asleep again.
The next time you reach consciousness, your limbs are still heavy, and your head is still throbbing, but now you also feel a pain in your ankle and a burning in your throat and every movement hurts and there is something you should be remembering-

Oh.

You sit up so fast you almost black out again, but you shove your nails into your palms and that keeps you awake. Groaning, you force the tiny dots swimming in your vision away, and take a better look around.

A white room- too white- air heavy with antiseptics- an IV stuck to your forearm, and, last but not least, cuffs attached to both of your wrists and ankles (one of which is wrapped in white gauze- no wonder it hurts). There's a glass of water on your right, in a little cup holder attached to the bed, just close enough so your cuffed arm can reach it, yet far enough to not be accidentally knocked over. You down it in a second, and now that your throat is no longer on fire, try to will away fog clouding your latest, direly important memories.

You remember taking a blow to the back of your head- and then Gamzee's teeth on your lip- you prod at it with a finger, but the swelling is already gone, so you must've been out of it for a while- and then, Dave-

Dave.

Sollux.

AradiaTerezi-

You suddenly don't remember how to breathe. Your heartbeat grows frantic, and suddenly, there are people in the room, skin unnaturally pale, faces covered in surgical masks, and you scream at them, fighting against your restraints, and then there's a needle piercing through your flesh, and everything goes black again.

The third time you wake up, your ankle no longer hurts- Capitol medical procedures, no surprise there- but your throat still burns, and the restrains are now heavier, pinning you to a bed, one strap even holding your head in place- are they really so scared of you, for fuck's sake, you didn't even make a single kill through the entire games what are they scared of-

Oh my god.

You won.

A sob escapes your lips, and then there are fingers cupping your face, and you force your eyelids open, coming face to face with Kankri's pale, thinned, sleep-deprived face. His eyes are red and puffy, and his smile is a weird mixture of desperation, pity and relief.

"Karkat." He whispers. "Karkat, you came back."

Breathing is difficult- but Kankri is here, Kankri is happy, at least you didn't screw that up- so you try to will some air into your lugs, and to remember how talking works.

"Throat-" Your voice is quiet and raspy from misuse. You flinch. "Dry."

"Yes. Understandable." He fumbles around, hopefully for a glass.

"Straps." Speaking hurts, but bondage is not really your thing. "Off."

"Oh. Yes. Yes. Sorry." The strap holding your head down is gone, but he hesitates before continuing. "I am putting my faith in you remaining calm-"

"Kankri." Your voice is desperate and in such a sad state that he releases you without a complaint. You need help sitting up, and then he gives you more pillows to lean against, and then, bless him, a glass of cold water. You tip it back, letting out a pleased hum as the fire in your throat goes out. It's only then that you meet Kankri's eyes, and oh god, he looks so nervous, he's actually quiet-

"I won." You whisper. Your voice is still a bit raspy. He nods.

"How long have I been out?" You force yourself to go on. The conversation seems to calm him down.

"A week." He says. "Well, eight days to be precise-" He watches your reaction. You merely blink back. "You- you have lost a lot of blood, and your ankle was badly damaged, but it is alright now, thanks to the supreme medical experts the Capitol supplied-"

"Yeah, make sure I thank them." You interrupt. "What- what- they're all dead."

Kankri looks different- besides the obvious matter of losing unhealthy amount of weight and gaining a permanently sleep-deprived look- but that's when you realise it isn't him that has changed, it's you.

"I am so sorry, Karkat."

"Shut up." You mumble. He nods, pulling away- you grab him by the front of his sweater and pull him into a hug. He's taken aback for a second, but then you start crying, and he wraps his arms around you, running his fingers through your hair, making silent, shooshing noises.

"You're acting like a moirail." You mutter, because you feel the need to say something.
"Not a moirail." He hums into your ear. "A brother."

***ooo***

The doctor comes in to check up on you in an hour, and he deems you both physically and mentally okay, and you are good to go. Your quarters are the same they were when you were here with Aradia, that tiny infinity ago, and Kankri doesn't seem surprised when your legs give away and you crumble to the floor- he gets you to your bed and shoves a tiny pill into your mouth, and it makes you feel like you're floating, and you can breathe again, and you fall asleep in an instant.

Morning comes to soon, and Kankri tries to talk you into eating, which you refuse. Finally, Damara gestures an avox over, and after one strict look from her and a resigned nod from Kankri, he is forcing food down your throat while Damara holds you down.

She is much stronger than she looks.

You throw up immidiately after, and she is forced to apologise. Kankri promises avox no one will know what they made him do, but the poor man doesn't seem relieved.

The beauty team chats away as they scrub you clean, and then they fix up your face so you don't look like a trauma-ridden teenager that just watched his friends die and can't keep any food down. One of them opens the built-in closet to fetch your crowning outfit, and you catch a glimpse of a dress- black corset covered in rubies, long, flowing skirts in different shades of crimson, sleeves made of rich black lace- a dress that was meant to be worn by Aradia, in case she won- and you reel over and throw up. The guy you almost throw up over makes a surprised yelp, mutters something about 'the Vantas thing', and tells them to fetch an avox. You feel guilty as you watch the slave mop up the reddish liquid- it's almost pure water, because that's all you have in your stomach right now- but then there are people dabbing at your face, showing peppermints into your mouth, and by the time they distance yourself, the avox is gone.

Your own victor outfit is much simpler- fitting black pants, tight black shirt, a silver tie, loosely tied- your hair styled into your signature mess, face covered in powder, eyes framed in silver and black- and as you stare at your reflection, your only thought is how non-human you look.

Then you realise that's the point. You aren't human any more.

Kankri comes in to check on you, and you give him a small nod, and then you're led out, towards the stage. Ampora announces you with all the pomp one can own, and then some more- the crowd cheers, what for, you have no idea- you take your seat and try to be the person you used to be, but give up soon enough.

Karkat Vantas came in crimson red, bled for the Capitol, and left it in a flash of silver.

Damara doesn't just pick out pretty colours.

Damara might get in a lot of trouble if she doesn't watch what she's doing.

Ampora grins at you as you sit down. "Karkat Vantas."

"My name, the last time I checked." The words roll of your tongue without conversing with your brain. It seems to work, though.

"Well, better make sure." Cronus winks at the audience. "Also, what happened to the red? Seemed keen on it before the games."

"Makara drained me of it." You blink at the reflectors. They are way too bright. "Thought you watched the broadcast."

He leans forward. "You do look a little drained. Sure you're alright?"

Now he's just being an ass. "I'm better than Makara, that's for sure."

The audience laughs. You frown.

"Speaking of Makara," Cronus catches on. "How do you feel about him?"

You stare at the man for a second. "I made it clear, the last time we talked: I don't appreciate being molested."

"Didn't seem to mind it when it was Dave Strider." Cronus smirks at you. You feel a spark of anger, deep in your being, too deep to actually reach the surface.

"That-" You bite your lip, and force yourself to maintain eye contact. "That wasn't molestation."

Cronus has to stop asking question then- thank god- and you watch the recap of the games. You get the most of the screen time- no surprise there- and Dave comes as a close second. Sollux, Terezi and Aradia have an impressive amount of footage too, but Gamzee is the one that really concerns you- apparently, there is no such thing as censorships in Capitol, because you get to watch every of his kills in excruciating detail. No, screw that, every death is portrayed in a way that is way too insightful to be anywhere near okay, and if your stomach wasn't as completely empty as it was, you'd probably have thrown up all over Cronus Ampora. As if the scenes you've already witnessed weren't enough, you know get to remember the expression on Aradia's face as her flesh melted off, Jane Crocker screaming for death as she burned, Terezi's corpse hitting the ground as Vriska Serket pulls her axe free, life disappearing from Dave's eyes- the detail you were really glad you missed- the poor district four boy begging, not for his life, but for a quick death, Vriska Serket's (actually quick) death, Sollux's little smile as he cuts his throat, and yourself, screaming at him, screaming at Dave, screaming such incoherent bullshit that you're sure could get you publically whipped but is mercifully not understandable.

The kiss is shown, too. It's long, edited to be heartbreaking even to the people that did not participate in the kiss- and you are overwhelmed with relief when you realise the cameras didn't pick up what you had whispered to him.

You don't need the Capitol to know you compared yourself to Peeta Mellark.

Once the recap is over, the Condense enters the stage- god save the queen, send her victorious, happy and glorious, send her back to hell please- and she gives you a small smirk as she places the heavy crown on your head- you imagine that, had Gamzee Makara been able to win, this would be the moment where the horrible accident takes place and he is left dying in agony.

You didn't kill Feferi Peixes, though. You didn't kill anyone.

You just had them die for you.
Doesn't feel like much of a difference.

***ooo***

You are tired- so tired- and Kankri seems to understand, because he places a firm hand on your shoulder once the ceremony is over, and starts leading you away from the crowd. The crowd is not happy about getting their fresh new victor stolen, but they seem to like Kankri well enough, because he gets them to back off with a smile and a few words- well, a short lecture, but it's really short, and you're already zoning out so you don't particularly mind.

Kankri is, after all, the only one you have left.

You are halfway to the elevator when somebody grabs your shoulder and tugs you back in place, and Kankri's hold of your shoulder stiffens, and your head flies up, and you come to face Dirk Strider, eyes boring holes in your soul, the anger in them obvious even through the ridiculous shades.

Your breathing stops. You wait for the punch.

It doesn't come, though. Dirk eventually shifts his glare, and you follow it, and you recognise Jake English as the guy who is holding Dirk's clenched fist back, expression pleading.

"Dirk." He whispers. "Remove yourself from the boy."

"He-" Dirk starts, but Jake cuts him off.

"He didn't kill your brother." His voice is silent but urgent. Dirk's fist starts unclenching. "And even if he did, you'd still have no right to seek personal revenge- it was the Games, okay. Vantas wouldn't be after Dave, if the positions were reversed."

"Exactly." Kankri snaps. Dirk's eyes fly to him, and he snarls.
"Shut it or I'll make you." He spits the words out, and anger fills Kankri's glare.

"Remove. Yourself. From. My. Brother."

Dirk's eyes fly down to you once again, and then he takes a step back, letting both of his hands drop to his sides.

"How-" He takes in a deep breath before continuing. "What did you do to Dave?"

"For god's sake, Dirk!" Jake sounds exasperated now. "He didn't throw a bloody love charm on your brother!"

"Dave would have won." He is still staring at you.
"But he didn't!" Jake cups Dirk's face and forces the taller man to meet his eyes. "Dave made his choice, and it came with a great cost, but Karkat Vantas had nothing to do with it-"

"But the kiss-"
"-that Dave initiated?"

Dirk's lips are pressed into a thin line. "I hate you."

"I'm right nevertheless."

Another moment of intense glaring, and then Dirk relaxes into the shorter boy's arms, and the latter pulls him into a hug. He gives you and Kankri a small nod, and then you're pulled away again, back to your quarters.

***ooo***

You spend the trip back home in your bed- Kankri seems reluctant to give you more pills at first, but puppy eyes do the trick, and from that point on, it's a never-ending haze of taking pills, passing out, waking up, taking more. Sometimes, you wake up to find Kankri sitting by your side, stroking your hair, but you're too drugged to really notice.

"You need to stop this, once we get back." He tells you, and you nod- you're a victor now, you can get your own, one way or another.

You are forced to stay sober for the first day back- the district is there to wish you a warm welcome- and you are dressed in your normal clothes again, an oversized black sweater and a pair of jeans. Kankri doesn't seem to particularly mind.

You attempt a smile when you get back, but it doesn't work out, so you just wave at the crowd and murmur a 'thank you' at the mayor's daughter- she's a small, pale thing dressed in a pretty, expensive-looking dress- and she stands on her tiptoes to give you a kiss on the cheek. You're not sure how to reply, so you just pat her head, and she gives you the brightest smile you've ever seen.

"I'm glad you didn't kill anyone." She whispers. "You are way too grouchy, but also very kind."

"Uh." Is your insightful reply.

The moment you enter the house you go to your room, fall to your bed, and stare at your computer. Seeing it, your first impulse is to turn it on and send Sollux a message about the creepy little girl- but Sollux is dead, and so is Terezi, and so is Aradia- and you don't have any other friends.

You curl up in a ball and cry. Kankri comes in, fifteen minutes later, with a plate of soup, and sits down next to you, pulling you into a hug.

"I hate Capitol." You mutter. He nods.

"So do I."

You sob quietly for a while. You feel pathetic, but are past the point of caring.

"Will Dirk Strider be after my blood every time we cross paths?" You ask after a while, and Kankri chuckles.

"I believe mister English will talk some sense into him by the next year." He assures you. You scowl.

"They're, like, a thing, right?"

"I don't believe I have the right to share information about other people's quadrants," He sighs. "But yes, they are."

You nod again. "They're not really hiding it."

"They are, actually." Kankri clears his throat. "Please, do contain from sharing this information. Capitol might decide to play with them, were the news to leak."

"Oh."

"Indeed."

You fall asleep curled against Kankri's sweater. The soup is long forgotten.

***ooo***

You turn off your computer the next morning- you can't help yourself- and as Kankri fumbles around the house, muttering about the urgent need of cleaning, you realise you have a new request.

You study the screen for a while- the name is EctoBiologist- and you are just about to block him and tell Kankri you want to throw the computer away, when he messages you.

EB: Karkat!

EB: Can I call you Karkat?

EB: Please don't block me

You stare at the screen- is this guy (girl?) real- before the curiosity gets the best of you, and you type up a reply.

CG: YOU JUST CALLED ME KARKAT

CG: YOU HAVE THIRTY SECONDS TO GIVE ME A MIND-BLOWINGLY GOOD REASON TO NOT BLOCK YOU

CG: COUNTING

You sit back and wait.

EB: Oh, wow, you're mad hehe! I guess that was to be expected, I did creep on you here

EB: Got your pesterchum from Kankri, so you don't have to worry about everyone contacting you all of the sudden

You stare at the screen in shock. Finally, you find your vocal chords. "Kankri?"

More noises from the kitchen. "Yes, Karkat?"

"Did you give some random kid my pesterchum address?"

He is in your room in no time. "I- uh-"

"Kankri."

"In my defence, he is no random kid-"

But before he can finish, a new message from EB flashes on your screen. You glance over to the chat window and-

"-what."

EB: Anyways, my name is John Egbert- you might know how I am?

"You gave John Egbert my pesterchum address." Kankri looks down under your gaze.

"Kankri, for the love of God-"

"You could use some friends." He mumbles. That stops your incoming rant.

You look back at the screen. "…thanks."

He gives you a small smile and a hair ruffle, and then he's back in the kitchen.

***ooo***

John and you keep on talking- he has also just lost his best friends, so he understands- and he understands the burning urge to never mention Dave's name. Ever.

He mostly ignores you attitude, and you ignore his incredible ability to be annoying in return. It's not all roses, though- at one point, when you're explaining how the quadrants work (god, district 13 people can be clueless) he mistakes your insulting as an attempt to form a blackrom, and it doesn't end well ("I'm flattered, but I'm not a homosexual-" "You think I'd be flirting with Dave's best friend?" "…no. sorry"), but you are both aware how extremely alone you are, and how much you need each other.

You don't leave the house much, and Kankri worries. You tell him to mind his own fucking business. The glimpse of the old Karkat calms him down enough to not bother you again.

You eventually tell him about Dave- you don't get very far before you can't breathe any more, and he doesn't push it- and in return, he tells you about what his life is like.

The year rolls around. You visit all the districts, and finally get to meet John face to face- Dave wasn't exaggerating, he really is all dorky and buck teeth- Dirk is currently in district four, doing a victory tour himself, so you can walk around without him breathing down your neck- and also, it gives John the opportunity to show you the Strider mansion.

You're not sure why you agreed to come, but you did- and you regret it the moment you enter Dave's room, and see a Katana leaning against the desk ("Dirk didn't touch a thing, but he doesn't mind if I do- would mind it if you did, but he doesn't need to know you were here, eh?") and your knees give out, and John sits down on the floor next to you, and you don't fight it when he hugs you- he starts crying, and if a couple of tears rolled down your cheek, you will deny them until the day you die.

"I wished, at first, that he didn't fall for you and that Gamzee killed you and that he killed Sollux and that he came back." John says, all of the sudden. "But now, as much as I wish he could get back, I'm also glad I got to meet you."

You sniff. "That was Cage worthy."

He elbows you, but manages to laugh, and you laugh with him, and then he gets up to his feet and leads the way out.

"Bye, Dave." He mutters to the closed doors. You scowl.
"You're an idiot." You mutter.

"You talked to his corpse." He snaps back.

He has a point.

***ooo***

Dirk Strider manages to return to his district before you get a chance to leave- he corners you in John's living room, where the two of you were hanging out, and makes him leave you alone.

"What did you feel for Dave?" He asks- no warning, no warm up, just plain old emotional question thrown in your face.

But that's when he takes his shades off, and you blink in surprise.

"I-" Your breathing hitches. His eyes are tangerine coloured- they are almost as beautiful as Dave's.

"And if you answer in quadrants, I swear to god, I will break your face."

That shuts you up. He cocks his head to the side, waiting.

"I knew him for a very short time." You finally say. The expression in his eyes says he expected this kind of answer. "And yet, I still miss him."

He didn't see that one coming, though.

"I might have-" You pause, take in a deep breath, and make yourself go on. "It was the closest thing to romantic love I hold myself capable of feeling."

You look up then, and he nods, biting his lip.

"Yeah." He nods. "Okay."

***ooo***

EB: Is it okay if I ask a thing?

CG: JOHN

CG: WHAT IS IT NOW

EB: When you were in the arena, you thought Sollux was going to kill you, right?

EB: Sorry

EB: This wasn't okay

CG: THAT WAS WHAT IT LOOKED LIKE

EB: Were you about to let him?

CG: …

CG: IF IT WAS DAVE

CG: STANDING OVER YOU

EB: Yeah

EB: Thanks for answering

CG: FUCK YOU

***ooo***

*A/N* Alright. What happens next is up to you

a) we leave it here- Kk won and is friends with John and DirkJake is cute and canon and mostly everyone is dead

b) you drop a review telling me you'd be interested in reading a sequel and I write a sequel (I'll probably write it anyways because my beta is perfect and wants it but I won't clog up the precious fanfiction space if you're not interested)

Please do tell me what to do life is hard choice is hard

STRONG thank-yous to Kawaii Youkai Hime, GrumpyGoldfish, FloatingKitties, StrongRed and especially TruDivination (reviewed every chapter bless your soul) and to anyone that has read and followed and I am really happy I got to write this and yeah. You're all cute as fuck. Hopefully we run into each other again, stay awesome