I think back to that night a couple of months ago. What did I say? Oh, that's right: "maybe we should be afraid". And I was right, wasn't I? There are plenty of things to be afraid of and what just happened to be proves my point. This type of thing happens all too often to us; Jean Luc is captured and held hostage by hostile aliens, or he's assimilated by the Borg, or I almost die under and mound of rubble. You would think that at this stage in history, things would finally be settled. You would think that with all of our technology and all of our advances in science and politics that things would finally be right in the universe; everyone would be at peace, and it would all by daisies and buttercups. But it's not – if anything things are more precarious than they've ever been.

I told myself before that I didn't want to get involved with Jean Luc because I didn't want to be a Starfleet wife again. And that's true. It's true that I don't want to have to compete with work for my husband's affections. I don't want it to be like it was with Jack where he'd try to squeeze in time with Wesley and me between assignments. It was horrible! For 6 years I dealt with it because it was all that I knew. Also, I didn't mind at that stage of my career; I was just getting started with my residency and I was busy all the time as well. But now, I'm in my 40s. My son is grown up and living a life of his own. At this point I want a little consistency. I love being on the Enterprise, I love travelling through space, and I love my job. But there is this part of me that wants something more.

I usually don't let myself dwell on it because there's really no point. But what the hell, I'm laying in a hospital bed and thinking is really my only diversion. Sometimes I imagine just settling down. I have this crazy dream where Jean Luc and I get married and buy a house together somewhere in the country. The house is perfect. It's old – it has a history. Its walls tell stories and hold memories. Fields and a lovely garden surround it, and on my days off in the summer and the spring I like to tend to the grass and flowers. When winter is shrugged off and makes room for spring, the flowers in the garden blossom and let off the most wonderful odour. Jean Luc gets angry because I like to open all the windows in the house at that time and it's still quite chilly outside.

"Put a sweater on," I tell him laughingly as a poke his chest. I can see him smiling back at me as he pulls me against his body, "why put on a sweater, when I have you?" he'll whisper seductively. Then he whisks me up the stairs to our bedroom. It's a beautiful room. I have every detail of it memorized. But, the best part is our bed. It's Jean Luc's parents' bed. The solid oak frame is hundred of years old. We'll stumble into the room, laughing and kissing and shedding our clothes and then he'll shove me down on the bed. He'll cover my body with his own and whisper something in my ear, making me laugh. And then just as I catch my breath, he'll kiss me and take it away again. I know what Jean Luc's body looks like in a physician's sense and I'd be lying if I denied perversely I using that knowledge to fuel my fantasies, but sometimes I can't help it. Sometimes I want it – all of it – so badly that I ache.

I don't allow myself to dream that because I know it won't happen. Jean Luc has expressed to me in the past that he feels guilty that he'll never personally carry on the Picard family name. He tells me that he's happy that Robert has Renee. But, I think that secretly he wants his own family. The problem with Jean Luc is that I don't think he'll ever be willing to sacrifice his blossoming career for it.