The morning is passing by slowly. To tell you the truth, I am getting bored and I'm frustrated. Sadly, it's not like I can do anything about the boredom. I still can't believe that Kathryn is married. I'm so, so happy for her, but I would be lying if I said that I'm not a little bit jealous. In some ways, I wish that it was me: married with a baby on the way. I never thought about having another child. I am truly satisfied with the son that I raised. To be asking for more would almost be selfish. But sometimes, when I let myself drift off into my forbidden fantasy world, I can't help but imagine what it would be like to have a child – or children- with Jean Luc.

He's always been hesitant around children. We have a school on the Enterprise and I remember a while back they held "Captain Picard Day". I remember taking a break from work to run down to the classroom to watch his talk with the children. He was so nervous at first! I don't think I've ever seen Jean Luc that nervous – and that's saying something considering all the situations we've encountered during the past seven years. But there he was, all fidgety in front of a group of 20 1st – 12th graders. But you know what? He might have started out a little shaky, but by the time he was done, he looked like he was actually enjoying himself. And then there was the time that he was stuck in the lift with three children. He never told me what happened that day. I never even thought to ask. But he still has the honourary plaque that they gave him on display in his quarters.

Truth be told, I think that Jean Luc would be a wonderful father. I just wish that circumstances were different and we could be free to explore that option. I can just see them now. In my mind, we have twins, one boy and one girl. Wesley didn't inherit my red hair. In fact, he's almost the spitting image of Jack. But perhaps our children would have red curly hair. They'd certainly be smart and inquisitive with Jean Luc as their father. He'd teach them all about space. He'd teach them about making wine. He'd explain what goes into making a good vintage and when they were old enough, he'd teach them how to properly taste the wine and choose a good bottle. He'd teach them how to ride and take care of horses. At night, he'd tuck them in and read Shakespeare to them until their eyelids became heavy and they drifted off to sleep. I'd stand in the doorway, watching him as he kissed their foreheads and quietly turn out the lights. He'd walk out into the corridor and find me there. I'd move into his arms and he'd kiss me, "I love you," he'd whisper. I'd kiss him in response and lead him to bed. It is all such a lovely, glorious notion. Stop it, Beverly.

"Good afternoon!" I hear Deanna's dulcet tone ring through my room.

I look up at her and smile, "is it afternoon already?"

"1300 hours!" Where has the time gone? "Sorry I didn't come sooner, I had appointments all morning."

"With the crew?"

"Yes. Ever since we left the planet the people who beamed down are having a tough time coping with that they saw."

"Oh," I nod my head, "I can believe it."

"Oh, Beverly." She affectionately rubs my arm to comfort me, "Do you need to talk?"

I smile at her, "no. You know what, Deanna? Jean Luc said something to me the other night. He told me that she would have died regardless of whether or not I had been there. I've thought a lot about it, and he's right. I'm not saying that my feelings of guilt are gone, but I don't feel as awful as I did when I first heard."

"Well," Deanna is clearly astonished, "I have to say – I'm a little frightened for my job!"

"Deanna, don't be silly." I grin. "On another note, did you hear?" This is the age-old prelude to gossip, a feminine pastime that Deanna can't resist.

Her eyes widen, "no what?!"

I angle my body so that I am facing her fully, "well you probably already know…"

"Out with it, carrot top!"

"Hey!" I laugh, "calling me names will get you nowhere."

"No so really, what?"

"Kathryn Janeway is married!"

"I know! And to Chakotay no less!"

This piece of gossip takes up the better part of 20 minutes as Deanna takes out her padd and shows me his Starfleet personnel photo. Yes, that photo brought on a lot of conversation.

"So who told you about Kathryn and Chakotay?"

"Jean Luc."

Deanna's face dropped, "No."

"Yes."

"I can't believe it."

"Neither could I."

"So, you and Jean Luc…"

"Deanna"

"No really, Beverly. It's been a while since you two have talked about anything other than work. It was getting downright frigid between you two."

I let out a sigh, "I know."

"What's going on?"

"Nothing, Deanna. Really, it's nothing."

"It's not nothing so spill."

I toy with the blanket covering my lap. This is going to get interesting. "Really it is nothing. He fed me dinner last night – before I could really move my arms and then he came in for breakfast and he's coming tonight for dinner. It's nothing new – we've been doing this for years!"

"Yes, but that was before the Great Escape." Yes. That was before Kesprytt. "You never told me the whole truth about what happened down there, and neither did he."

"That's because there's nothing to tell."

"That's not how I see it." Damn Deanna's Betazoid heritage! I just stare at her. I know how this works – she'll start talking eventually. "I think something happened down there and you're going to tell me what."

"It's none of your business, Deanna." I desperately didn't want to get into this, but when she sits back and firmly anchors herself in her chair, crosses her arms, and stares I find no way out of it. "Fine. You know most of the story – how we were captured, escaped, were connected to each other by neural implants… but on the night that we spent on the planet, I found out that Jean Luc was in love with me."

"Oh. That's it?"

What? I just drop a bombshell and all that Deanna says is 'oh. That's it?'?! "What?"

"Beverly, I don't think that's any secret."

"It's not?"

"No. I'm 90% sure that the whole crew knows that the Captain is in love with you – has been for years."

I'm still stunned. "But, uh…"

"Beverly, I think you're possibly the only person who didn't know it."

I rub my face, "so the whole crew knows?"

Deanna nodded her head. I drop mine in response; "well it came as a shock to me."

"Beverly, I'm not surprised. You're always the 'last one to the party'. So, I'm guessing that based on the frigid, arctic air between you two that it wasn't a story book happy ending?"

"Well, he told me that he had been in love with me, but he no longer has those feelings".

"An obvious lie."

"Deanna! Well, then we just ended the conversation went to sleep."

"There's more. I can tell. Go on."

I lay back against the pillows, "The night that we came back, we had dinner. It was so ridiculous. I wore this whole ensemble, did my hair, fixated on my makeup for ages. And then we had dinner. It went fine. We talked about the Kes and the Prytt and what had happened, and we skillfully avoided talking about the elephant in the room. Then we finished supper and moved over to the couch. Jean Luc leaned into me and said something along the lines of 'we should not be afraid to explore our feelings' to which I then very skillfully replied, 'yes we should'. And then I left."

Deanna looked like she was about to cry, "oh Beverly, why?"

"Because, Deanna, I can't."

"And why not?"

"Because it's Jean Luc. Because I can't do it again: I can't do the competition with his work and his career - I can't play second best. I can't, Heaven forbid, go through losing him if it comes to that."

"Oh, Beverly – don't you see?"

"What Deanna?"

"With the Captain, with Jean Luc, it would never be that way. I shouldn't be saying this." She got up and closed the door, ensuring privacy for me and for what she was about to say, " but I feel that I should. I feel that you should know. It was not too long ago now that I was speaking with the Captain-"

"Deanna, are you sure you should be telling me this?" I know as well as anyone the importance of confidentiality.

She simply holds up her hand and waves me off as she continues, "he told me that he is willing to give it all up. He was speaking cryptically – it was around the time he got back from LaBarre after he spent time with his brother's family. We spoke for a long time about his trip. I asked him if he ever thought about having his own family. He told me that there was only one woman he would ever want to have one with, but he knew that it would never happen – that she'd never be with him. He cited her career and personal reasons. Of course I knew it was you – who else would it be?"

I'm shocked. I'm honestly shocked and I feel tears beginning to build. "But that doesn't mean anything Deanna. He's still Jean Luc. He'd still be married to his job. I can't do it again."

"You didn't let me finish Beverly. He went onto say that he would be willing to give it all up. When he told me that he pointed all around him and then to the pips on his collar."

"He really did?"

"Yes."

"But I can't ask that of him. Starfleet, the Enterprise – that's all part of who Jean Luc is."

"Are you sure, Beverly? Or is that just how you see him?"

"Deanna, come on! The man is married to his job."

"He was telling the truth. He's in love with you, Beverly. Apparently he has been for a long time. And I also happen to know that he'd give all of this up if it meant being with you. And, I'm going to hate myself for sounding like my mother, but I happen to know that you're in love with him too. "

I sigh and I feel my shoulders sag in defeat. I reach up and rub my eyes, unsure of what to do with this information, but trying not the cry nonetheless. "Beverly," Deanna rubs my arm, "I've got to go. I have more appointments. Think about what I've said. I'll come by later." And within seconds, she is gone.