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"Well I suppose we should just get the ugly bits out of the way first. Why Vash?" I go right for the jugular.

His eyes almost bug out of his head at my directness, "Honestly? She was attractive and she wanted me. I met Vash while I was on shore leave. I found her intriguing and mysterious. She was like a puzzle that I wanted to solve."

"Did you sleep with her?"

"Yes." I knew that was going to be the answer, but I needed to hear him say it.

"Your relationship with her made me doubt you."

"Why?"

"Because Jean Luc! She is a conniving vulture of a woman."

"I know that, Beverly."

"It made me think of you as a man only after one thing."

"You know that I'm not. I was just swept up in the moment. Beverly, at that point it had been years since a woman showed any interest in me."

"What about Janice?"

"That's not fair, Beverly. I was with her when you were with Jack."

"Fair enough."

"It didn't last anyway. And now she's happily married."

"Were you in love with Janice?"

"At the time I thought I was."

I looked down at my hands, "And Kamala?"

"A fleeting crush."

"Were there others, Jean Luc?"

"No. Truthfully, no." he looked right at me. "Odan." There was a heavy bitterness in the way he said the name.

My head shot up, "yes?"

"It hurt me when you were with him."

Hurt him? "What do you mean Jean Luc?"

"Were you in love with him?"

"Yes. I thought that I was at least."

"Did you make love with Will Riker that night?"

"No. No, that I couldn't do. I knew that it was Odan inside of him, but no – I didn't. It would have been too much even for me."

"I was so, so jealous of Odan. I was so jealous I couldn't see straight. He came into my office and spoke with me about you. Throughout whole conversation all I could think about was how much I wanted to airlock him," he smirked.

I smiled, but only for a moment, "I knew I was hurting you. I could see it all over you. But I did it anyway. I'm sorry Jean Luc."

"You have nothing to be sorry for, Beverly... Was there anyone else after Jack died – before you came on the Enterprise?"

"No. Truthfully, Jean Luc, the only man that I ever wanted was you and I knew that everyone else – that every other relationship - wasn't going to last or be worth it in the long run because I always held out this fantasy that one day we'd be together."

"I've always held out that hope as well, Beverly."

"But, Jean Luc I don't really think that I'm the reason that you've never seriously gotten involved with someone. I think you're too in love with your career and the image of who you are to be with anyone."

"Do you really think that I'm that shallow, Beverly?" he is really and truly offended. It's all over his face.

"I… I don't know, Jean Luc. I feel that with you work always comes first."

"I've thought the same about you. I mean, Beverly, you left your son for a year to take a prestigious position on Earth!"

"That's not fair, Jean Luc!"

"But it's true, Beverly."

"Wesley was old enough to make the decision for himself. He wanted to stay aboard the ship – with you."

"I know, but… I know that it was his decision. But if he was my son, I don't know if I could have left him like that."

I'm incredibly offended, but I am also touched. It's a strange set of emotions to be had at the same time. All I can say is: "I know. And I think I'm angry with you because I regret that year so much. I was so hurt when Wes wanted to stay on board to Enterprise rather than come with me. But the truth of the matter is that I was running away from you."

"Running?"

"I came on board the ship with these wild expectations that you and I would see each other, sparks would fly, you'd break down tell me that you missed me and you loved me, I'd do the same and we'd live happily ever after. But, it didn't work that way. You were cold, almost hostile towards Wes and me. And it hurt."

"I'm so sorry, Beverly. I was overcompensating a bit back then. I thought that if I kept you at arms length for some more time then I could convince myself that I didn't love you anymore. But the truth is that when I saw you come off that turbo lift that first day, I knew that I still had those feelings. Years of separation hadn't dulled them in the least. And then," he cleared his throat of the emotion, "when I first saw Wesley, I was suddenly so overcome with jealousy. He looked just like Jack. And for a moment, I was so envious that he didn't look like me…"

I moved myself closer to him on the sofa. At this point there were tears coming from both our eyes, "Oh Jean Luc," was all that I could say as my tears came. We stayed silent for a time and let the air clear. But then I had to know: "When did you fall in love with me?" My voice is softer than a whisper.

He takes a sip of his wine and once again clears this throat; "I fell in love with you, honestly, when Jack introduced us."

"Oh Jean Luc, that's so cliché!" I reach up and wipe my eyes as a smile creeps over my face.

He chortles, "I know. But you took my breath away. I can still see you in my mind's eye. Everything about you was, is, intoxicating. And from then on I just kept on falling for you. Do you remember all those excuses I used to make – the ones where I told you and Jack almost every time that we were scheduled to go out that I couldn't meet you because I had a tutoring appointment for temporal mechanics?"

"The ones that you always seemed so eager to get to?" I smile, remembering how Jack and I thought he was really running off to meet a girl.

"Well there really was no tutor. In fact, I got an A in temporal mechanics."

"So why the excuse?"

"Because I was so jealous. I was just running away."

"And you. When did you fall in love with me?"

"Well like I said earlier, I knew that there was an attraction between us right from the start. But, I have to say that it was at the Christmas party that Walker threw – do you remember which one?"

He scratches his head and looks up at the ceiling, "was it the one where he hired the Orion Slave girls to jump out of a cake?"

"No, but what a night! Remember what a disaster that was?" I'm laughing just remembering how drunk Walker was: even when he found out that the Orion Slaves girls were really Orion Slave boys he still wanted to dance with all of them.

He chuckles at the memory, "Oh," realization dawns on him, "I remember, it was during the first year that we knew each other. I was set to go back to LaBarre the following day to spend the holiday with my family. The night before though, you, me, Jack, and Walker decided to meet at a restaurant and have dinner. You and I were the first ones to the restaurant. How long were we waiting for Jack and Walker?"

"2 hours!" I exclaim.

"And when they finally got there, they told us they had gotten lost!" He smiles, but then his expression becomes staid, "I remember how beautiful you looked. You were wearing a red dress that stopped just above your knees. It hugged you in all the right places and I couldn't stop starting. Your hair was really long then and it hung down over your shoulders like a wedding veil."

"I can't believe you remember all that," my voice is soft. When will I ever stop underestimating this man? "Yes. Well that was the night. We talked the whole time, and by the end, I didn't even want Jack and Walker to show up."

There is a sadness that's lingering between us. It's a sadness born of lost time and lost opportunities.

"Did you love Jack?" And there's the question.

"Yes. I did. But I didn't love him fully. I still feel like I was unfaithful to him."

"You weren't Beverly; we never shared anything more than a few looks."

"We might not have had sex, Jean Luc, but in my heart I was unfaithful."

"I used to love those times we spent together."

"Which ones?"

"The times when we were waiting for Jack to come home."

"You remember that?"

"I loved talking with you. You understood me and shared my passions. I loved listening to you talk about your patients and all the new things you were experiencing in the hospital. I knew that you were unattainable. I knew that you were Jack's. But I loved coming over to your little apartment to watch you cook or to play with Wesley. Sometimes I let myself think that you both were mine."

I am reminded, as tears once again come to my eyes, that this evening is an emotional rollercoaster. "Do you still want that, Jean Luc?"

He doesn't hesitate, "with all that I am."

And now comes the clincher, "but are you ready for it?"

"What do you mean?"

"Are you ready to be committed to me and our children – if we can have them – full time? Because I won't do it again, Jean Luc; I won't compete with your work. I won't get in the way of your career if that's what you want. I hate sounding like this. I hate making you choose. But for me – I can't marry you and have a baby with you knowing that the next assignment or the next away mission could cost you your life. I just don't think that I have it in me."

"I know."

"And I know that your first love has always been space-"

"That's not true, Beverly. Space was my first love. When I was a boy, all that I wanted to do was to be out among the stars. I made being a captain my goal. And, I've achieved it. I have everything that I originally set out to have. But, I feel empty. I've felt empty for a long time. Robert is a stodgy old soul, but he has a wife and a son. He's happy, in spite of his mildly depressive and contrary disposition. But, when I went to see him, I wanted what he had. I left my family home with an ache. I told myself, though, that I'd give all of this up if I ever had the chance to have a family. But, the truth is Beverly that I never thought I was going to be able to have a family. You've always been the only woman I've wanted. You've always been the only woman I want to bear my children. So, thinking that we never had a chance, I tried to find as much satisfaction as I could in my job. But, I'd give this up, Beverly. I'd give this up in an instant just for the possibility of us."

Deanna was right and she hasn't even known him as long as I have. I feel so ashamed at how completely I misjudged him. All I can say is, "I'm so sorry, Jean Luc. I am so, so sorry at how I judged you."

"It's alright, Beverly."

"No. It's certainly not all right. You're my best friend and the man I love and I completely misjudged you!"

"You couldn't have know, Beverly. I never told you. I didn't want to pressure you or make this awkward between us."

I sit in silence for a few moments, soaking in what he told me. I don't even feel him slide close to me and take me in his arms. I look at him as he lifts my form into his lap. And at once, he surrounds me. There's that scent that is so completely and matchlessly Jean Luc. I bury my face in his neck and I start to sob. I sob for fools we've both been. I sob for all the lost time. I sob for Jack. I sob for the girl who died protecting me. I sob for all the frustration I've felt these past few days. And he just holds me, rocking me back and forth as he rubs my back.

"Jean Luc," my voice is scratchy.

"Mmmm?" He kisses my hair.

"I want it all."

"Me too."

"So what do you want to do about it?"

He turns me so that I'm looking at him, "what do you want to do?"

"No. I need to hear it from you."

"You sure?"

"Yes." What could he possibly think that I needed to be sure about?

"I want to marry you."

"Yes." He smiles. Wait, did this just happen?

"I want babies."

I smile, "yes".

"I finally want to settle down." And there it is.

I feel as if a leaden noose has been loosened from my neck and my newfound ability to breathe is almost too overwhelming. Is this really happening or is this a trick by yours truly?

"Really, Jean Luc? You'd really be willing to leave all of this and you wouldn't resent me for it?"

He chuckles and looks right at me, "it's my idea, remember?"

I hug him and bring him closer to me. This is the most physical contact that we've ever had. And then it hits me that we've gone through all of this – we've had this huge cathartic conversation and professed our love to one another, but we've never kissed. There have been so many fantasies: I've put a lot of thought into the way his lips felt and how they moved with mine. And now I-

"Beverly?"

"Hmmm?"

"You're a million miles away."

"I want to kiss y-" And before I can finish his lips cover mine. He catches my mouth when it's open and pushes his tongue past my lips immediately. He tastes just like I thought: red wine with a hint of licorice. It's wonderfully sweet and I can't get enough. I use my arms to bring him closer to me. I want to feel all of him. I want to taste as much as I can. We stay locked together until we run out of air. I pull away first, panting and trying to catch my breath. I don't think that I'll ever tire of kissing this man. For the first time, ever, it feels right. Nothing feels forced. Nothing is contrived. Our lips fit together like two stray pieces of a jigsaw. Over and over again, I'm struck with the rightness of this situation.

"Am I moving too fast?" He asks meekly.

"No. Why?" I lean back into him.

"Because in one night I've just asked you to marry me and bear my children after 25 years of successfully hiding my feelings towards you."

I laugh a little remembering what Deanna said earlier, "well, Jean Luc I hate to break it to you, but a little bird tells me that your feelings for me aren't so opaque to the outside world as you might think."

"Oh?" He's intrigued.

"Apparently so. This little black haired bird tells me that whole crew knows that you're in love with me."

"Huh," he shifts and redistributes my weight on his lap, "when did Deanna tell you this?"

I chuckle at how instinctively he knows it's Deanna, "yesterday when she told me that I was underestimating you."

"Hmm?" he cocks his eyebrows in question.

"Let's just say that Deanna helped me come to my senses and told me, basically, what I blind fool I am."

"Leave it to Deanna Troi… We can't live with her-"

"Because she'll read your thoughts!" I giggle. Then I fondly add, "but we certainly can't live without her."

I feel him nod his head in agreement. "So," he begins, but trails off.

"So?"

"So, I think we should settle down."

"Ok. Any ideas?"

"Yes. A couple of months ago, Alynna Nechayev asked me if I wanted to take over the operation of Starfleet Academy –"

"Oh Jean Luc! That's wonderful."

"So, I told her that I would think about it."

"Is that what you want to do?"

"I don't know. It's a lot of responsibility. It would be taking on more responsibility than what I currently have, and I'm not sure I want that."

"Well that do you want?"

"I want to teach archaeology and publish Professor Galen's research. What we found on that planet is extremely significant and I want to write about it."

"Is there a position open at the Academy?"

"Well, I was thinking that maybe the Academy isn't really where I want to be."

"Are you thinking of leaving Starfleet?"

"Maybe. I don't know. What about you?"

"Well, I'm still undecided. I want to be able to practice as well as do research. But like you, I don't know if I want to stay in Starfleet. There are a lot of good things other than Starfleet and its principles and I think I'd like to explore those options."

I feel him let out a yawn as a wave of hot air grazes my temple. We're tired. It's been a long day.

"Jean Luc, let's go to bed."

"Agreed."

"Will you carry me?"

His only response is to sweep me into his arms, carry me the short distance to my bed and lay me underneath the covers.

"Stay," I whisper. Not a second later I feel a warm body climb in behind me, a strong arm wrap possessively around my waist, and a warm kiss on my neck.

"Goodnight, Beverly. I love you."

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