Author's Note:I'm sorry it took so long for me to update this..I've been getting ideas for other stories,and I lost creativity for this one for a while...I hope that this is ,I know there are grammar errors-I don't want to be a copy editor,so please do not tell me about that.

So quite obviously I was not pregnant. I had never had anything like that happen to me before though,let me tell you that. I decided then and there that if I was going to have sex with Drake I had to be so careful. I couldn't get pregnant. I mean,Drake's child could not pass for Josh's,I wouldn't even let that happen.

But would I?I mean,I had already let so much happen so far. I mean,marrying the love of your life's brother is pretty much shooting yourself in the this time is when I really started to question it all. Question life, love, meaning. I could never be with Drake;we were star-crossed lovers,Romeo and Juliet had it easier than we they had to do was down some poison and stab the aorta and all their troubles were renowned and made William Shakespeare a popular fiction icon in the nineties. Marrying your lover's brother who you used to love would only get you on Jerry Springer.

So you see the a solution?

I was beginning to think there was none.

That corny commercial is true,depression hurts everyone. Not just you. It's superficial at first,you think "tomorrow will be better." But when tomorrow is only worse yet you start to question things. Things that you had never thought about are brought to the forefront and you have to confront them; you don't want to-but if you don't you'll drown. So, you have to make the choice. Sink or swim? Confrontation and Drama or Robotics and Depression?

I chose the latter for obvious reasons.

It was on April Sixteenth that I finally reached my breaking point. I was sitting in front of the mirror brushing my hair while staring absently at the reflection in front of me. It then occurred to me that I had no idea who Holly Nichols was,who she had been,why she was in front of the mirror. I snapped out of it and looked at my startled reaction in the mirror,like I'd been thrown in a tank of freezing water when I'd been accustomed to was no warmth here,there was no life.

The next thing I knew I was on my feet and pacing. My heart was beating very loudly in my ears and I couldn't breathe. I was dying,for Chrissakes! Why was I dying? Why? I was so young! I had so much life! I began shaking and balling my eyes out.A shaky hand wiped the tears away,and I noticed that this hand;too was foreign. What was going on?Why did everything look as if it had changed so much?How long had I been in this fog?How much had changed?I ran to my mirror and looked at my face. Touching my eyelids,my cheeks,my lips...Everything was the the hands that had comitted such crimes..

I ran a hand through my hair as a method to relax,but it did not work. I realized then that my hair was so greasy,and embarassingly enough;I could not remember when the last time was that I had actually had a shower.I pulled my shirt off as if in a rush,because I was.I did not know then what I would do,but I remember that I wanted my hair had to be just had to,that was all that dirty everything was...But hair contains so much oil,that's why it was the dirtiest..

"I love your 's so 're beautiful.",Josh had said the first time that we'd made love.

"Holly,you are without a doubt the most beautiful blonde I've ever slept with..The only one I actually ever cared about.",Drake had commented.

It was so dirty,dirty,filthy...I lifted up the razor and began cutting,clawing,knawing at my hair.I watched it fall down into the drain,other strands sticking to my wet flesh. I looked down and noticed I had not taken off my underwear. Oh well,no time for thoughts are stupid when such an important thing is to be done!

I have hair on my arms,and when the razor grazed my arm the first time instead of getting the hair on my head,I hardly noticed. Nothing is real,you can only feel pain if you want to feel it-there's a trick to fooling your brain into not feeling it. It's a scientific fact,I'm not making it it.

I don't know what happened,but suddenly it wasn't enough to cut my hair,I had to get my arm hair,my pubic hair...I was being so sloppy by this point that I had so many cuts and knicks all over my body. I was having some kind of depression fueled panic attack and I couldn't keep my hands from why would I?I couldn't feel it anyway..And there's only a problem if you feel the pain..

The water became very warm suddenly,and my vision was becoming so screwed up;the water had turned red!I thought I was seeing hot,red water coming out of the faucet..Then I realized the water was coming from everywhere on my body..Everything hurt,why had I done all that?I was becoming so weak,my knees buckled and I fell down in the shower on my stomach.. Something was wrong,I needed help.I knew it,but I didn't want is something very serene about dying a slow death;if I do say so myself.

It's one of those things that I'm not telling you to do by any means at all;if I could I would put a sticker on this story saying DO NOT TRY AT I am not a manufacturer of any kind,and these are just words,just a story. But I am saying that if you ever find yourself dying a sort of slow death,do notice how the feeling is remarkably similar to that of taking sleeping pills..So sleepy I was...I closed my eyes and woke up in another one was too bright and it hurt very much.

"Will she make it?Of course she 's a young and otherwise healthy woman..There's no need to think that she won' not worry about your wife,.If you would only let me do my job."

It was a foreign voice saying these words. A stiff,unloving voice,I had gone to hell.I guess adultery really is a sin.

"Then why isn't she waking up?Why did she do all of this,doctor?!My wife is not crazy!"

Why would the fates kill Josh and bring him to hell?He had done nothing wrong,he could do no wrong..Why,he was even sticking up for me in this perfect black pit of hell. Why couldn't I stick up for myself?I opened my eyes and went to speak,but I found no words,my throat felt as if someone had taken sand paper and rubbed it repeatedly on my vocal chords.

"Holly!"

I smiled mildly,weakly.

"Holly, gave us quite a scare there..You almost weren't found in were almost gone...Oh my gosh,I haven't even introduced myself..I'm Doctor Leaman,I am a psychiatrist here at UCLA Medical were brought in yesterday midday by you tell me why?"

"No."

"Surely you know what happened,have some recollection?",I did not like this man. He wanted answers and I had none,but he looked at me expectantly.

"I was in the shower.I fell I hit my head?" Yes,it was head did hurt. I must've hit it when I fell. I remembered falling,crawling,then...Nothing.

"Yes,as a matter of fact you did. But it's actually what you did before you hit your head that is a cause for concern. You fell because you had significant blood loss and losing that amount of blood will kill you..There is no question then,that these wounds were self-inflicted?"I nodded point arguing,even though HE was wrong.I wasn't trying to kill myself. I wasn't some kind of psycho. I was shaving.

"You will be staying here for some time,to make sure that for whatever reasons you inflicted these wounds on yourself that you better learn how to cope with 're dehydrated because of the blood 've given you a transfusion;but I imagine your throat is very dry after going through such radical change..I'll have the nurse send in some water with ice chips.I'll leave you two alone for a bit,and then Josh will have to leave."

Why?The question showed the first signs of life that I had possessed in quite some time,I imagine.

"It is important for you to rest in such a you become annoyed." The doctor smiled before walking out the door. I followed him with my eyes, looked at the door and listened to the lock snap in place from the other side. I guessed I really was crazy if I was locked in..I wondered then if Josh knew some kind of knock so they would let him he wouldn't have to stay in with Crazy.

"Drake called me at work..Told me it was bad...He was so torn up Holly..I feel so bad that he had to find you like that..But even more,that you did that in the first place...Why?Are you unhappy?With me?",Josh looked at me with his pleading eyes and in that moment I remembered it all. I closed my eyes in a knowing way as though I was a soothsayer and was about to relay a very important message to a King or a Queen.

"All I knew when I was doing these."I raised my arms,and sure enough there the ugly white gauze was along with needles in my arm."Was that I wanted no hair..Head hair wasn't enough..I don't know,Josh.I can't give you answers,I can't make things up and say that I was happy.I don't remember alot of things..I don't know what day it is,I don't know who I am..I have these basic memories,but they have no feeling behind them."I throat felt like a Sahara drought times a million.

"I'm not going to press you for answers..But I'm pretty sure the doctors don't understand why a drop dead gorgeous blonde model would try and kill herself..And quite honestly,neither do I..I thought things were going great..Gahh.I work too 's why.I knew it.I-"

"Don't do not blame has nothing to do with your work. I have no reason for doing this,so how could it be you?If anything it was ,I have something to tell you...I haven't wanted to tell you this,but I think that it is time to finally tell you th-"Knock,Knock.

"Can I come in?I bring water." A nurse. Of course,just when I was finally going to tell him everything. Tell him everything that made me want to do this to myself,why I was being studied like a rat in a cage.

"Yes,please."Josh's eyes were troubled,like he was unsure of something,whatever it was he did not speak of it while the nurse was in the room.

"The doctor said no more visitors is time to go .Nichols needs her rest.",the nurse smiled at me kindly. I had to give her credit for that,I mean I probably looked like a freaking razors their whole body?

"I love you so much,Holly Nichols.I always have and I forever will." Josh bent down and kissed me on the lips;briefly but firm. Cold. I felt no electricity as when Drake touched me. Did he feel something? Is that why he was so endeared to me? It couldn't be because I was so perfect,I mean look at me..

"I love you too,Josh."Just not in the way you love me..I haven't for some time.

The nurse escorted Josh out of the room and soon all I heard was the clicking of her heels as they walked down the hall-then I heard nothing. The utter silence of the place really frightened me;I mean I'm a city girl,I need my sound.I found that I was very tired,and sleep did come,but only after waiting an entire century or two for it to ask me to come..

But only after I heard my beloved arguing with someone.

"I'm the one that found her!I need to see that she's alright.." It was Drake. And how my heart skipped so many beats when it thought of seeing him. How much it hurt to think that he was the one to find me..What would I have done,were I in the situation he was in?Well,I'd probably do what I did..

"Yes,I know sir.I've been well I'm under strict orders from the doctor that she is to have no more visitors today,only one a day-and her husband takes first priority you realize."

"Of course." I could practically see the sneer on his face. I smiled in my REM state of mind,and then I fell asleep.

This time when I awoke it was not Josh that was there,or the doctor or nurse.

Drake was smiling down on me,but there was a certain sadness to his eyes that I knew I was the definte cause of. I had made my angel sad..And how he did look like an angel,sitting so pefectly on the edge of my bed, his right hand linked with my fingers,his left hand absently resting on the bed.

I opened my mouth to speak,to appologize,but Drake pressed his mouth against mine,and not finding any reason to reject this I went along with it.I loved him.I knew I loved him when I went to bed at night,when I woke up,when I was with Josh,when I wasn't,all the time,but mostly when he touched sat there for some time;two lovers kissing,nothing wrong with that. He took the right hand;the one that was joined with mine and smoothed some of my hair out of my face. He lay his head on top of mine and kissed it. In silence we sat;we had no need for words,that's how it is when you find your true love you know. You needn't speak-everything is just spelled out right in front of you,even if you don't understand it,it can be hieroglyphics,but the key is to solve it.

"I was so scared,Holl.I thought you were dead..My first thought was that someone had broken in and raped you,then knifed you...But when I got closer,I saw a blood trail after...There was so much blood..I would've given some of mine,but we're not the same ..And then,on top of it all the jackasses here wouldn't let me see you.I thought I was going to die...I really think I would've blown my brains out if you didn't make it..I can not live in a world without you, even if for obvious reasons I can't claim you as a wife, I need you to live. I need you to be happy." It sounded like he was weeping,and to be honest,I wasn't too far from it myself.

"It sounds like a goodbye."My voice was thick with sorrow when I spoke,and when he didn't immediately reply my heart beat frantically. Panic sets in,and its a shock to a long absent system of emotions.

"I wonder if a goodbye would be the right thing..What would the right thing be,Holly?We both are under alot of stress,and it only gets worse the more this goes on.." Drake sighed,he sounded tired.

"Don't do this..Don't say goodbye to me. Don't try and convince me,convince yourself that this is what is right.I FUCKING LOVE YOU!I will die without you,I need you like I needed that blood.I need you like a soul needs a body.I need you,do not leave 't leave me in my darkest hour..I don't know what I will do without you..If you don't love me,if you don't want me,I-"

"I do want could I not but be completely in love with you?But I don't think its healthy for you,for us to be like this..You're married to my brother,and we both love him. On some really fucked up level,I guess we both have our ways. You tried killing yourself as a result,and I can't have this..I can't have the woman I love killing herself because of me..I can't have it..I can't stand for it..So I've come to the decision that we need to end if its the worst thing that ever happens in the world;I'll know that you're alive and happy."

"There is no happiness without you, have it completely wrong.I'm stressed because I am married to and I are obviously not lovers..I love you,I want to spend the rest of my life with you..NOT 't do this."But one look at his face told me he already had."So is that it,then?You leave me?You can't stand a crazy bitch that is in love with you?Why do you do this to me?To punish me or yourself?You love me,I know you do..You just told me..So it makes no sense.." Drake stood up and gently unlinked our hands.I felt no heat,my sunshine was going to warm up another planet,another universe.

"I told you why...I have to do you have to know that I love you,that I always will. No matter what,and that I do this so you'll be happy." Drake tried a smile on,but it didn't reach his eyes. He was still sad;and if this truly was going to be the last time I saw him,I didn't want to remember it like this..I'd rather remember his warm chocolate brown eyes melting on his face as his head was tilted back in laughter..

"You're leaving me for me?I can't do this..Drake,no."I began weeping heavilly by this point,uncontrollable sobs,and I did not care if I looked like a crazy psycopath in the psyche ward..I was dying from the inside chest was on fire,and that fire's name was love. Love for Drake was killing for Josh tried to kill me before,but it would ultimately be me who killed me;I decided. If Drake won't have me even though he loves me,I won't have me either.

"I have to,Holly." He bent down to kiss my cheek,and I don't know if that was intended torture,or what,but I broke into more crying at the scent of his breath. He abruptly turned to leave,and I snapped. Rip it! I dug at the bandages,clawed at old wounds,they hurt;yes,but I did not care.I bled. Drake stared at me in awe as I derailed right in front of him. I don't know who was more shocked;Drake or I. I surprised myself even further by ripping the needles that were giving me the nutrients that I so needed out of my arm in one fluid movement. My face was contorted in pain; physical-that was nothing.

"DON'T!!" Drake ran to my aid,but I just stood there,seeing his face only seconds ago in my face was twisted in pain and silent rage.I really could do nothing right.."Nurse!" A nurse ran into the room;was startled by the blood and called for more assistance. I watched on in silence as Drake cried,openly upset. I had done this to him,but he thinks he is the cause of it. Could he not see that I was the one that should be sorry?I should worry for him,why was I doing this?

The hospital staff strapped me to a handy dandy gurney and off I was, my sunshine left behind, and I- like Antarctica was left in the cold,I doubted I would ever feel warmth again.