Being crazy has some perks, I suppose. At first,they let you sleep all you want. The body can best repair itself when you're sleeping,you know.
But then,when they're done with letting you sleep,they try to resurrect you like the walking dead. I played along for awhile. Let them think I had some deep rooted mental problems.
The only mental problems I had were stress related. The man who thought he caused my depression was gone from my life. I was in the looney bin two months,and not once after I had gone suicide Barbie right in front of him had I seen him. I couldn't say that I blamed him,but to say that I missed him was an understatement.
Being the pampered blonde I am,my hairstylist had come to see me,and had transformed my unflattering and unbecoming razor cut into a razored bob. At least that way,I didn't look as crazy as I supposedly was. I was, in a way enjoying my time off. I'd lost the world and didn't care about much else. I didn't care about being released from my ford contract or agent. Id spent over a decade building myself up from foster child to ford model, but somehow it didn't matter any more. Nothing did but the guilt.
To see Josh's concerned face Everytime he looked at me only made it worse. I didn't want him to care,I didn't deserve it.
When I tried to sleep,I saw Drake's face as I had pulled the IV out of my arm. I'd done him wrong and there was nothing I could do to rectify the harm id caused him. He had no cell phone,and even if he did,"I'm sorry" wouldn't justify what id done.
I was sleepless and miserable and without appetite. When i had gone into the hospital,I had weighed 115 lbs,I weighed around 95 lbs when I discharged myself from the hospital against medical advice. I had waited until they were convinced I wouldn't try to off myself again. I wasn't as convinced,neither was josh. He had taken a leave of absence from work to nurse me back to health.. God bless his soul. There was no nursing this soul back to health..
"Baby,you've got to eat. You're so thin. I couldn't bear to see you lose any more weight.. Please? It's your favorite,spinach egg white omelette." Josh was adorable,but I just wasn't feeling up to pretending to be charming.. I just couldn't.
"Darling,just put the try down on the nightstand and cuddle me? I need arms around me." As much as he was a mere substitute,arms were arms. I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed. I had scars all over,scars that would heal. It wouldn't take long,they were barely there already. I was lucky,I never scarred. I'd had my appendix removed at eight and I had no scar from that,much less something I'd done intentionally.. To see what is done to my body was a constant reminder that it reall happened.
Josh wrapped his arms around me as he got into bed. I closed my eyes and smiled. It was nice to feel close to another human being.
"It's been awhile since we've had the day to just cuddle.", Josh whispered in my ear. I smiled reminiscently. When we had first gotten serious we had laid in bed all day frequently. We would eat, watch television,make love,talk-all day. It'd been nice. He was like my best friend. My goofy,lovable,silly,serious best friend. I'd told him my whole life story and he told me his. It was the first time I had ever felt so close to someone in my entire life. He had really understood me like no one else had.
I turned myself to face him and I looked deep into his grey eyes. I touched his cheek and I smiled as I kissed his little lips. I kissed him for many reasons,but mainly because I missed kissing him. love him and that is why I let myself have sex with h. Afterward I'd felt great until I remembered that I didn't love him like he loved me..
Before I knew it we were at it again and after that time,I felt so bad I had to leave the house. I had temporarily filled a void at the cost of my sanity. My mind swam with the guilt once more as I remembered how terrible a person I was.
I walked and walked until I reached the water. I sat down near the water just close enough that my feet were in the water. I looked up at the sky,it was nearing night fall. Something about nightfall at the beach filled me with joy. I'd always come here with drake at night when we needed anonymity.
I thought i was going crazy (more than I already was),hen I heard sand crunching underfoot behind me. Turns out,I had partial sanity left. I was right that someone was behind me,but I couldn't be right that it was drake behind me..
"Hey Holly." Drake had a smile on his face,almost the day at the hospital,but not quite. He was wearing jeans and a tshirt,the epitome of casual. He had let his facial hair grow out a little and he looked kind of scruffy. He stood behind,almost apprehensively. Like I would pull a gun or something.. I can't say I blamed him for his suspicions,last time he had seen me,I had pulled IVs out of my arm when he had gotten too close..
I turned around to face him.
"No IVs,razors or anything I could do damage with." I tested a feeble smile as I stood up. When I looked at him I saw that he had tears in his eyes. I rushed to wipe them away. My angel couldn't cry..
"I thought you were going to die. I don't know what I-" I interrupted his flow of speech with my lips.
Heaven. Pure ecstasy and adrenaline,nirvana. I was alive again. I felt blood in my veins,air in my lungs and love in my heart. Tears ran down my face by the time I broke away from the kiss.
"We have to do something,Drake. It's killing me,not telling him. I mean he's your brother,my husband. We have to. I can't be without you ever again. I WILL die." He pulled me into a hug. He let his hands wander a moment then stopped at my hair,which he stroked.
" I can't stand to be away from you,Hol. I thought I was going to die.. You don't even want to know the things I did.." He shook his head almost to clear it like an etchasketch. I pulled away horrified - what had he done?
"Wh-" He put a finger over my lips to silence me.
"You don't have to worry. I'm safe and with you now,no worries. I have an idea about josh.." He grinned devilishly,but that only made me furrow my brows in confusion. He silenced me again.
"Don't worry,I'll explain." He grabbed my hand and we started walking. I noticed he had brought Josh's car.
"I went to your house to see you and josh was convinced nothing was wrong. Said you'd even slept together for the first time in he hadn't remembered how long and then you had left to get se air. Shows how little he knows about you.. I knew where you would be. I have to tell you my plan,I hope you'll go along for the ride.. By the way, you do look sexy with short hair." As usual, Drake trailed off and derailed at the mention of sex. It was just one of his coping mechanisms to deal with a rather serious situation.
We had reached the car,and I walked to the passenger side to get in.
"Along for the ride? What do you mean? There's no way we could actually-"
" I found a way.",he said as he got into the car. I got in,confused as ever.
"So what exactly is your plan?", I asked tentatively, not knowing what to expect. As is my custom when I'm nervous,I twirled my hair,what was left of it at least.. Getting used to the events that had come before this particular moment was not an easy task. Even now I find myself zoning out and thinking of how things happened. How they unravelled,the disaster that would come to be my life,the chaos that would never be resolved-internally at least.