New Robes and Old Feelings
The days following the meeting with Voldemort had been among the worst since Alice had left Saint Mungo's. Neville had been rather upset with her because she hadn't returned straight away after the Death Eater meeting. His anger had quickly evaporated when he had noticed how bad she was feeling but she still knew that her bad state bothered the entire family including the children. Alice would have liked nothing better than managing to pull herself together and get on with it but it was impossible. It was like a physical illness she couldn't control. There was physical pain as well. Headaches, pain in other body parts and situations when her feet suddenly felt as if she had shards of glass stuck in them again.
Those things had constantly accompanied her through the last years but they had never been as strong and frequent as they were this week. She barely managed to teach the children properly and couldn't keep the fact that something was wrong hidden from them. She told them she was ill without any further explanations but it did worry them of course.
On Friday morning, Alice's breakfast consisted of a cup of Goldberry Leaf Potion and nothing else. Her throat felt constricted and she was nauseous. Even swallowing the potion was hard. She had spent the night as well as the ones before having various nightmares of awful things Rodolphus forced her to do while threatening that he'd betray Neville to Voldemort if she didn't comply. Alice knew that there was much she would do to avoid this, especially if it harmed no one but herself as had been true for the things in her nightmares.
Normally, the potion helped against the memories of the nightmares at least somewhat but this time there was no effect whatsoever. Her headache and nausea didn't get better either. That was probably because the symptoms weren't directly related to the Cruciatus curse but that didn't make Alice any less disappointed in the lack of effect. So far, the potion had been something she could trust in to find relief. She wasn't supposed to take it too often because it did have some side effects but if she did, it usually helped. One of the reasons why she shouldn't take it too often was the fact that the effects were supposed to decrease because the body became accustomed to it. Maybe that had happened to her.
Hannah and Neville finally gave up their attempts to get Alice to eat. Instead, Neville tried to counter her headache with his healing magic but that didn't work either. He tried not to show it but Alice still noticed that he was quite worried by this. He gave her a cup of the Draught of Peace and Alice hoped that this would have some sort of effect.
Neville didn't seem to want to leave her like that but he had to and so had Hannah.
"I have the afternoon off today," she announced. "If you want to, we can go to Diagon Alley so you can finally get your new robes."
"That's a good idea," Neville said.
Alice didn't really feel like buying robes today. She didn't want to dress up for her meeting with Rodolphus and maybe even have him notice it. Still, every distraction was welcome. Resting and thinking wouldn't help her either. Therefore, she agreed.
Alice told the children that there wouldn't be any lessons today. She would teach Francis and Roderic on Saturday if she felt better till then. She had to get better, Roderic needed her help. He had no one else he could safely talk to about his feelings concerning Voldemort.
Deborah spent the morning packing and seemed rather happy about the prospect of meeting her friend. Alice didn't want to imagine what the Lestranges would do to her when she was there alone but she still did of course. If something happened to her, Hannah would have to eat her words but that wouldn't' help Deborah. Alice took a deep breath. Her little granddaughter shouldn't have to suffer like she did. There was nothing she could to prevent it though. She couldn't even protect herself.
Slowly, the potion started to show an effect but it wasn't what they had hoped though. Like some of the potions she had received at Saint Mungo's it simply weakened her resistance and made her headache even worse. The pain spread from her head through her neck and to other parts of her body. It caused cramps similar to those from Rodolphus' first magic attempt that evening. She tried to breathe calmly and force it away. The children shouldn't see her like this. As soon as she could, she got up and drank another cup of Goldberry Leaf potion barely hoping that it would help. It didn't.
The pain didn't want to go away. Alice was so tired of it all. They would never let her be free. Now they said one year working with Rodolphus for "probation". This one year seemed unbearably long for Alice but she didn't even believe that anything would change when it was over. If she made it through. Voldemort would find something which made her still look "untrustworthy" and she'd be forced into the next sick game. They would never let her be free. She didn't want to drag herself along like this any longer, dependent on people who wanted nothing but so see her suffer for their own sick enjoyment.
Neville had quite a few deadly plants in the garden but all of them were warded with spells that didn't only keep the children away but her as well. There was nothing she could do and she didn't want to run away like a coward. She had to endure the things that were happening to her until one day there would be relief of some sort. On this Friday morning, Alice didn't know how she was supposed to make it till then. She cried once more until Francis came in and she forced herself to stop.
"What's wrong, Gran?" he asked. "Are you so worried because Debbie's going away alone? She'll be okay."
"I'm sure she will be," Alice lied. "It has nothing to do with you, really. I'm ill, that's all."
"This old injury from the war?" Francis asked.
So Neville or Hannah had told her something. "Yes, that. It starts to hurt again sometimes."
"I'm sorry," Francis said. "Dad will have something to give you when he comes back."
Alice didn't tell him that Neville had already tried that and failed.
"Do you want something for lunch?" the boy asked.
"No, thank you, I'm not hungry," Alice said. She didn't feel able to get anything down.
"Alright. We'll make lunch with Sandy alone then," Francis said.
He was soon joined by Deborah. Alice felt a hint of pride for her grandchildren. They had learned to help without being told and didn't expect the House Elf to do everything on her own.
Alice got up from the couch and left the living-room. The smell of food from the kitchen probably wouldn't help her nausea and she didn't want to bother the children while they were eating.
Alice lay down in her bed. She hadn't changed out of her pyjamas yet, only covered them with a dressing gown. Ever since that night, she had refused to wear a night shirt. Lying in bed she remembered the first time when she had felt so miserable. She had been sixteen and caught an extremely virulent strain of Dragon Pox.
Rodolphus Lestrange had looked after her and the other sick classmates. Back then, this had made her happy. As a young girl, she had dreamed of house unity and the idea that someone from one of the richest and "purest" magical families was prepared to serve others like this had strengthened her belief in the good in everybody. A belief that had strongly suffered every since she had left Hogwarts.
She hated to admit it, even to herself but she had been quite fond of Rodolphus back then even fancied herself in love with him for some time. Not that he or anyone else had really noticed. To him, there had never been anyone but Bellatrix. They had married right after school. Alice had always believed that Bellatrix was only using him to have someone who could take care of her when she was sick and to keep her parents satisfied while she went after Voldemort but she hadn't told him so. She wasn't the kind of woman who tried to get other people apart.
During Auror training, Alice had soon found out that Frank Longbottom had turned from a boy obsessed with Quidditch and house rivalry to a responsible young man. She had never given Bellatrix any thoughts beyond the professional after that while she and Rodolphus had remained something akin to friends. It had been nice to have someone to talk to who had a different perspective from time to time. She had actually tried to be scheduled for duty that involved visiting Saint Mungo's as often as possible. They had never met outside the hospital even though she had hoped he might join the Order soon. When he lost his job, Alice had tried her best to persuade him that not Crouch and Dumbledore but Voldemort were behind this. She had written him various letters and even scheduled a meeting at the Hogs Head where she tried to get him to accept a meeting with Dumbledore. When Rodolphus had realised that a group of other Order members was there as well to have an eye on the situation, he had started doubting her motives because of her lack of trust. To Alice, it had merely been the reasonable caution of an Auror. In the months before the attack, she had sometimes wondered if she might have been able to persuade him if she had trusted him...
There had been no more contact between them after this. She had written him one last letter that only consisted of the words "It's never too late." She hadn't been able to imagine what Rodolphus was going to do to her at this point.
Voldemort probably knew about her past attempts to get Rodolphus away from his side. The current situation between them had to be extremely satisfying for him. More proof of his total victory.
A knock on the door interrupted Alice's musings. It was Hannah. "Do you want to come to town with me?"
"Yes," Alice said. "Just wait a moment, I need to get dressed. For some reason, she felt better now. This often happened if she was able to think about something else.
Hannah told the children that they were going to town. She wasn't going to take them along, Watching Alice try on new robes wasn't very interesting for children and Hannah didn't want to buy anything for them. Their birthdays were approaching and she wanted them to wait until then. Alice had no objections.
It was quite warm so she wouldn't need a cloak. Alice still had to wear the Phoenix feather badge though. It showed her probation status.
The two witches apparated into Diagon Alley. The banners and posters were still there. This time, some of them advertised a big Midsummer celebration that was supposed to be held on the wizard fields around the old Black country home, the place where Bellatrix Lestrange and her sister had grown up. The Dark Lord would be there himself and make a speech.
"You don't intend to go there, do you?" Alice asked Hannah who had stopped in front of one of the placards for a while.
"Why not?" Hannah asked. "It can't hurt to show ourselves on such an occasion."
Alice definitely wouldn't attend this event but if Hannah wanted to do so... She knew by now that she wasn't going to change her mind about these things.
"Did you eat anything for lunch?" Hannah asked.
Alice shook her head. "Didn't feel like it."
"You didn't have breakfast either," Hannah said. "And yesterday, you hardly ate anything. What do you think you're doing? Trying to starve yourself?"
"I'm just not hungry, okay," Alice said. The thought of food didn't make her feel sick anymore at least.
"Fortescue's is offering really nice sandwiches now," Hannah said. "You can have one and I'll take an ice cream."
Alice sighed. She didn't want to disappoint Hannah and maybe she would manage to get the sandwich down. "Alright."
They sat down on the terrace. Alice wasn't sure but she felt as if there were people whispering and looking at her badge, some of them even moving a bit further away. She couldn't tell if it was from fear of being seen in the vicinity of an enemy or because of fear of her. Maybe the Death Eater propaganda had already worked so well. Alice swallowed hard. These were the very people she had once sworn to protect, the people for whose peaceful existence she and Frank had endured the torture. She was glad that they sat in a corner a good deal away from the others.
The arrival of the waitress broke this train of thoughts. She didn't seem to mind the presence of the two Longbottom women at all. Alice reluctantly ordered a sandwich with cottage cheese and vegetables. She didn't want anything too stodgy. Hannah meanwhile ate a fruit sundae. To Alice's surprise, eating wasn't as hard as she had feared. The fresh air and sunlight made it a bit easier.
Florean Fortescue himself walked past their table and asked if everything was alright. Fortescue was a rather worn-looking elderly man who still managed a smile for Hannah and Alice and kept his place in order.
"Did you know that Mr Fortescue used to be one of Neville's patients after the war?" Hannah asked when he was out of earshot again, chatting with some of his younger customers.
"No, he didn't tell me that," Alice said. "What happened to him? What would the Death Eaters want from the owner of an ice-cream parlour?"
"Someone obviously thought he had important information," Hannah explained which allowed Alice to guess what had happened to him. "Everyone thought he was dead but he obviously wasn't and ended up in Neville's ward instead."
"Neville did a good job there," Alice said. She realised that she still had trouble seeing an accomplished Healer for Cruciatus curse patients in Neville. To her, he still seemed like a boy who needed to be sheltered from unpleasant memories, maybe because she only knew him for about as long as it took for a child to be old enough to go to Hogwarts. Maybe she should stop trying to protect him and tell him how she really felt.
"Yes. He went home from the hospital and started to build his shop up again right away," Hannah said. "He refused to hide and let it define everything he is, kept himself busy instead."
Alice thought she could guess where the conversation would be heading now. She felt anger rise inside her. What did make Hannah think she had the right to tell her how she was supposed to deal with that?
"And you think I should do the same?"
Hannah blushed. She obviously hadn't expected Alice to catch up so quickly. "You think I'm choosing to feel as bad as I did this morning? You think I want to be ill?"
Hannah hesitated. "Please don't take this badly," she said slowly and very quietly. "I don't think you want to be ill or anything but I do think that, well I don't know, maybe that you think you aren't allowed to move on. That you're betraying something if you allow yourself to feel even slightly happy. You feel guilty when you think you might be able to accept it and live here happily, don't you?"
If Alice was honest with herself, she had to admit that Hannah wasn't completely wrong. She didn't tell the younger woman that though. Hannah would never be able to understand why she was feeling this way. She hadn't seen the first war and she tried her best to deny the truth about her mother's death.
"I've tried my best. I wanted to move on and be accepted as an ordinary citizen. I wanted to work as a herbologist. You see how it went. They didn't let me. I'm on probation now, with Lestrange of all people."
Hannah sighed. "I hoped they might skip it because of your time with Neville but he's no Death Eater of course. Probation really isn't that bad though. I had to do it in my first year after Hogwarts as well. They didn't let me help run the Leakey Cauldron as I had wanted to because they wanted someone more loyal to the regime there. I was quite disappointed about that at first."
Alice was surprised to hear Hannah talk about her own experience. She hardly ever did.
"Then I was sent on probation with the Head of the new Department for Family, Healthcare and Recreation, Medea Selwyn, a marked Death Eater. I was quite worried about that at first as well. When I got to know Madam Selwyn, I was really surprised though. She was a completely nice and normal person. The only Death Eaters I had met before were the Carrows, the Lestranges and Snape and, well..."
Hannah didn't need to finish her sentence. "Nice and normal" weren't adjectives anyone would use to describe these five people. The name Selwyn stirred something in her memory though. She couldn't have anything to do with that Selwyn now, could she? Maybe she was the wife of his brother, a well-known Death Eater.
"She showed me around, explained everything about the new departments to me and we got along quite well. She also told me about her husband."
Alice swallowed. Of course, the Death Eaters wouldn't pass by this opportunity.
"He died during questioning at the Ministry. They used the Cruciatus curse on him first and gave him Veritaserum afterwards. This causes dangerous side effects though and-"
"I know," Alice said more harshly than she had wanted to.
Hannah gave her a surprised look. "I thought you would tell me this was a lie."
Now it was Alice's turn to be startled. "Did you think it might be a lie?" She had thought Hannah was quite prepared to believe in the new systems positions. Did she really feel the need to have this confirmed by her? Too bad that in this case, she had to do so.
"Well, I've been wondering," Hannah said. "I had heard about the Aurors and I didn't think they'd do anything that cruel."
So Hannah was prepared to see the best in any current regime, Alice thought. She probably wasn't an exception there.
"Well, this has been an extremely stressful situation," she explained. "A wizard had vanished, the Ministry assumed that he was held somewhere alive and could be saved. That's why they tried everything to get the Death Eaters they captured to talk. The man's death was an accident. No one expected this to happen."
Alice remembered very well how the captured Death Eater called Oliver Selwyn had started to convulse as soon as he had swallowed the Veritaserum. She had tried all the counter spells she knew but they had made everything worse. After her own recent experience with Rodolphus' attempt to use the magic pattern spell on her, she was able to guess why. Realising that there was nothing she could do, she had informed Saint Mungo's right away. It had still been too late. Rodolphus hadn't been able to do anything but record the man's death. She shook her head. He really seemed to be present in any bad event during her life time. He had also informed her about interactions between the Cruciatus curse and Veritaserum. She had told him that she had done what Scrimgeour had asked her to without thinking much.
She still remembered Rodolphus' exact response: "There was a time when you weren't afraid of thinking for yourself, Alice."
It was really absurd, coming from a man who was going to pledge eternal loyalty to a murderous madman a few weeks later. He had only kept his job for another week after this.
Hannah sighed. "I'm sorry. I didn't want to upset you again. I know I shouldn't have mentioned this. It's just something I've been thinking about for quite a while. I wanted to know if it was true or not."
"It's alright. So you got along well with Madam Selwyn?"
"Yes, I did. During the course of the year, I found that I liked to work in the event-organisation-committee and I'm still there." She smiled. "By now, I don't mind that it wasn't the Leakey Cauldron anymore. Having to commute between there and our house would be quite bothersome and I have more regular working hours this way as well."
"I'm glad you're happy in your job," Alice said and continued eating her sandwich. She hadn't been able to while they were discussing the case of Oliver Selwyn.
"I'm sure your probation will go well too. It's a mere formality, I think," Hannah said.
Alice didn't believe that but she wasn't going to argue the point. The Selwyn and Wilkes-cases were another reason for Voldemort and the Death Eater to deny her any freedom. They'd want revenge for this.
"Listen, did you ever think of doing something about your hair?" Hannah asked. Alice was slightly startled. "You do know that there are spells and potions that can restore the original colour if it has been destroyed by magic, don't you?"
Alice had never given this matter any thought. "Why would I make such an effort to hide what has happened to me?"
Hannah sighed. "That's not what I'm talking about. Do you really think people know what's happened because you have white hair? The only person who is reminded of it every time she looks into the mirror is you. The same with the robes. To me, it seems as if you've stopped caring completely. You don't think it matters anymore because you think everything's over anyway. Isn't that how it is?"
Alice swallowed. It was true in a way but she didn't want to say so. Her life was practically over, everything she had believed in gone. She was a toy for dark wizards. Why should she bother with her looks? She wasn't that person anymore. She didn't want to hide this and pretend that nothing had changed.
"In a way, yes," she said. "So much has changed and I think it's alright that people can see this."
"But don't you see that it's far from over?" Hannah asked. "You still have half of your life or more ahead of you."
Alice sighed. If she was going to live as long as witches normally did, this was true. She wasn't sure about this though. Either someone would kill her or her misery would do that eventually.
Hannah tried a different approach. "Look at people like Bellatrix Lestrange. Do you really think that they look the way they do after all those years in Azkaban because of the course of nature alone?"
"Seriously, if you understand it or not, I do not consider Bellatrix Lestrange a role model," Alice responded. Hannah really had no tact at all.
She more or less ignored Alice's anger. "She didn't choose to walk around in a way that showed everyone what Azkaban had done to her so she could prove how cruel the old regime was. She left this behind her because she knew she was one of the winners."
"In case you haven't noticed, I am not one of the winners," Alice told her.
"You might be one day," Hannah said as Alice shook her head. "If you believe it or not, everyone is given their chance. Either way, why do you want everyone to see that you consider yourself a loser? What do you think this makes better?"
As much as Alice disliked admitting it, her daughter-in-law did have a point there. Even children like Roderic looked at her with pity or asked what was wrong with her. Was this really necessary? Did it make anyone think about the crimes of the Death Eaters? She had never really believed it, but at the same time, she didn't want to see it hidden like they wanted to do with everything unpleasant. Something new was beginning today, no matter how unpleasant it was going to be. Wasn't this a fitting occasion to follow Hannah's proposition? Maybe it would make her a bit happier and it didn't really harm Alice herself now, did it? There had to be other ways of dealing with what had happened, more efficient and rewarding ways.
"Alright. Do you know of someone who can do this with my hair?"
Hannah gave her a happy smile.
A few minutes later, Alice sat on a chair at the Madam Margrave's hairdresser shop and had various spells cast on her hair before a potion-drenched towel was wrapped around it. After about an hour spent reading Witch Weekly, the towel was removed and the hairdresser washed and cut her hair. When it was dried, Alice was allowed to look into a mirror. The sight was astonishing. Her hair had returned to its brown colour and fell around her face in soft waves. Her forehead was covered by a fringe now and her hair was shiny and had completely lost the wispy look it had acquired during her stay at the hospital and retained ever since. She had always cut it with a cutting curse until now. An operation that often resulted in her cutting her skin as well but she hadn't really minded. Sometimes, realising that she was able to feel real pain from something happening right now was a relief.
"Do you like it?" the hairdresser asked.
"Ehm, yes. I just need to get used to it," Alice said. This would really take some time.
Hannah too was quite impressed when she returned. "You look great," she said as they waited at the counter to pay. Alice gave the woman who had done her hair a rather generous tip.
"Now we need to get suitable robes," Hannah said. "We have to hurry up a bit though or we'll be late."
Madam Malkin's shop was now run by her daughters but the elderly Madam Malkin was still there and chatted amiably with the customers. One of the younger shop owners greeted Hannah in a very friendly way. "Olivia's been in Hufflepuff two years above me," she told Alice.
"What are you looking for," Olivia Malkin asked. "Nice summer dress robes? Planning to attend the Midsummer Festival?"
"Another time maybe," Hannah said. "I'm not the customer today." She gestured towards Alice. "My mother-in-law is looking for new robes."
Olivia smiled at Alice. "Let me take your measurements."
"You probably need two sizes smaller at least," Olivia Malkin told her. "No offense but I think you shouldn't overdo it with trying to lose weight. Being extremely thin is really overrated. A Muggle idea we still haven't gotten rid of completely."
Alice tried not to be annoyed. Olivia Malkin was about Hannah's age. She had been too young to hear of the attack and it had never been mentioned later. People didn't tell their children about such things. It was only natural for her to assume that Alice had tried to lose weight for beauty reasons.
"I didn't lose weight on purpose she said. "I've been seriously ill." She wanted to state this clearly even though she wasn't going to tell this stranger what had caused her illness.
"Oh, I'm sorry," Olivia Malkin said. "I hope you'll be better soon. We should probably should go for something only one size smaller. I'll show a few things."
"Alright."
Olivia Malkin bustled to the back of the shop and returned with various sets of robes a little while later. "This tone of blue really goes well with your eyes," she said showing Alice robes made of a very light blue fabric.
The robes looked really beautiful and both Hannah and Olivia Malkin believed that they suited Alice very well. When she looked into the mirror, she had to admit that she agreed. She y did look very different now. Her face was still thin and her eyes lined of course but without overly large robes and white hair, she didn't look quite so old and lost anymore.
She probably should try to eat more regularly as well. Maybe Hannah would have some tips on healthy nutrition. Her department at the Ministry was responsible for such things after all.
Alice bought two sets of the blue robes with a slightly different cut, a beige one and two in her favourite plant-like green. One of them had a pattern of leaves in a darker green. The two women thanked Olivia Malkin for the recommendations and paid, both of them were rather pleased with themselves. Alice kept the set of blue robes that covered her entirely on right away.
When they returned to the Longbottoms' house, it was quarter to five.
"Well, it's been narrow but we've made it in time," Hannah said as they sat down on the coach to wait for Neville. "I'd really like to see what the Lestranges' house looks like."
"I'm sure you can fetch Deborah after her visit," Alice said. She would gladly have passed this opportunity to Hannah but she was the one who was on probation with Rodolphus.
A little while later, Neville arrived. He seemed very worried as he looked for her until his frown was replaced by astonishment. "You're looking great Mum," he said.
"Thank you Neville."
He looked in Hannah's direction before talking to Alice once more: "How are you?"
"Much better, thank you," she said. It was true. The discussions and shopping with Hannah had made her almost forget about her appointment later this day. Now that the clock was ticking, her fear began to return however.
"I'll never understand women," Neville said, shaking his head but smiling at the same time. "A shopping tour achieves what all our healing magic and potions cannot."
Alice simply smiled back at him. She wasn't going to tell him that they had been doing than just shopping. She couldn't remember ever having had such long conversations with Hannah.
Neville asked Hannah to check if Deborah had packed everything she needed and sat down opposite his mother.
"I know this is extremely hard for you," he said quietly as soon as his wife had left the room. "I can understand that you're afraid but I'm sure that there's no need to be. I've been working with Lestrange for nine years now and he's never made as much as a disrespectful remark about you in front of me. I don't believe he has any interest in harming you anymore. I'm rather certain that he meant to leave you alone. This is You-Know-Who's idea."
"Maybe. We don't know what they've discussed among themselves beforehand though," Alice said. "I don't think I'm really afraid. It's all, I don't know. The meeting with You-Know-Who, all those memories; it has affected me like this."
"Yes, that's not surprising," Neville said. "Legilimency can be used as a form of therapy but one has to be extremely careful then or it does more harm than good. You-Know-Who doesn't know that and he doesn't care either I'm sure. It's not surprising that it has affected you that way."
So Neville knew that Voldemort had made her relive the attack, Alice thought. He probably had been able to guess, maybe from her reactions.
"I think it's better now," Alice said. "Going out really helps. If only it wouldn't be so hard to get myself to do it every time."
"I'm glad about that. Now try not to worry too much. Knowing Lestrange, he will probably act as if nothing had ever happened. I know that this isn't easy either. I hate it too but I think we can deal with it and do what is expected of us. We should be fine if you show a minimum of politeness. I don't think he wants you to do something that forces you to spend much time together either."
"Thank you Neville," Alice said. She appreciated that he tried to comfort her and make her worry less. The rational part of her mind knew that he was probably right. Each time she had met Rodolphus before, he had acted as if she wasn't there or tried to keep the interaction at a minimum if he couldn't avoid it completely. Alice didn't really understand why he did this but maybe she would now. Neville and Rodolphus were working together for years and it was rather important for the regime that they did. Snape had hinted at this as well. Rodolphus wouldn't threaten this by harming her just because.
Knowing this didn't lessen the mixture of anger, fear and disgust she felt at the idea of being close to him, listen to him speak as if they were normal acquaintances like Neville implied or being even forced to touch and if it was only in everyday situations like shaking hands. She didn't intend to do that if she could avoid it.