The Lack of Happiness and Hope

During dinner, Roderic remained very quite but he politely ate one small plate of food. When Francis managed to engage him in a conversation about Quidditch, he became somewhat livelier.

Alice had no trouble eating herself. She was relieved that the first meeting with Rodolphus had passed without any trouble though she knew that this didn't have to remain that way of course.

After dinner, the boys entertained each other with a copy of the Toadstool Tales Francis had been lent by the Macmillan children. Both were laughing loudly while making fun of the ridiculous stories in the book. Alice was pleasantly surprised to see Roderic laugh. So far he had seemed clever and curious but almost always serious, like his father. She wasn't sure if Rodolphus had something like a sense of humour at all.

Hannah offered to look after the boys in the evening which allowed Alice to go to bed early. The lack of sleep and the frequent nightmares had left her very tired. Any serious discussions with Roderic had to wait until tomorrow. As long as he was here, he was relatively safe anyway. This night, she slept much better than she had before. She had some weird dreams but they weren't related to the torture and no dreams were she was insane again or other nightmares either.

Alice woke up relatively early in the morning and went out into the garden right away. She wanted to plant Rodolphus' seeds before anyone else was around. The preparation of the soil alone almost bordered on making a solid potion but she had done this kind of thing before. Alice had to admit that he had chosen a task she would be comfortable with. At least the one with the plants. The Patronus Charm was a different matter. It brought back so many memories for her. All those messages by other Order members, spoken in their voices from silvery animals. Announcements for missions and meetings, warnings, news both good and bad though there had been more of the latter. The Death Eaters had never found out that it was possible to send messages with the help of a Patronus. Rodolphus couldn't know about any of that.

As if it had been yesterday, she saw their faces in front of her inner eye. She remembered one of the many times after a meeting where they had sat together to talk. Dorcas had suggested that they would tell each other what they thought was the worst thing that might happen to them so they could try to help each other stop it from coming true. They had had these rather morbid discussions rather frequently, maybe to make it seem a little bit more normal. At least as often, they had talked about their hopes and dreams for the future after Voldemort though. Most people had feared to lose someone close to them or make a grave mistake that led to the death of others. Alice had told them that her worst fear was being tortured and betraying something important to the Death Eaters.

She vividly remembered James Potter's reaction. "What? You really think you would betray something?" He had been outright shocked at the suggestion.

Marlene McKinnon had gently but firmly told him that no one who didn't experience it could claim that he would remain silent under torture and even if someone had done it once, he might not be able to do it another time because another torturer might think of something that affected the person more.

"No one knows what he would do and we should show somebody understanding rather than blame after he or she has been through something like that," she had said.

Oh, how much would Alice give to be able to speak to her now. With Marlene, she could talk about the things that had happened to her openly as she had done about all the worst aspects of Auror life back then. She could tell her about her helpless begging for mercy without fearing rejection. She hadn't betrayed anything but she knew that she probably would have done so if she had known anything. Knowing this was almost as bad. She knew that they would have carried her through this if they were still here. Marlene, Lily, Dorcas, the Prewetts, the Bones, Caradoc and Benjy, they had been like a net that would catch her whenever she fell.

In her current life, there was no such person. She had her young son who had enough trouble of his own and the children, that was all. There were surviving Order members but Alice wasn't close enough to any of them to really dare to talk to them about it. This was the reason why she had never gone there again even though she had been invited. She feared that they might ask questions she couldn't answer.

After the Potters' death everything had changed anyway. There had been no more Order meetings; Dumbledore had lost all interest in them now that Voldemort had been gone. Her close friends had gone and contact with the others had come to a halt. It had made Alice feel betrayed in a way, suddenly left alone with her little family and Frank's eccentric relatives. Some of the things she had felt back then weren't very different from what she was feeling now but everything had still been much better of course. Frank had been there, she had had her job and most of all and she hadn't been alone. They had still been rather close to their Auror colleagues like Moody but also those who hadn't been in the Order like Kingsley, Gary Williamson or Cordelia Savage. She had taken over Marlene's role in Alice's life in a way, the more experienced Auror who mentored her.

Cordelia had been through the Cruciatus curse-induced illness herself only four years previously. She however had recovered completely, not right away, but roughly a year later. She had worked once again and no one had noticed any changes safe for the shape of her Patronus.

Alice didn't understand why it was so different for her. Could it be that the potion she had been given hadn't quite worked the way it was supposed to? There were still instances, more frequently since the Death Eater meeting, when she lost her sense of smell or taste or seeing colours all of a sudden, dreams in which she seemed to drift back into insanity. Each time she had one of those, she was scared of falling asleep again because she faired that she wouldn't wake up properly again.

It was quite likely, wasn't it? A healing potion made by the person who had cast the curse in the first place wouldn't work properly. Maybe Neville could do something if she asked him.

As if he had heard her thoughts, Neville knocked on the door of the greenhouse a few moments later. He looked quite concerned when he saw Alice gazing into empty space, her plant pots long finished.

"Good morning Mum. How are you?"

"Good morning, Neville. I'm fine at the moment. There's something I'd like to ask you though."

"Of course," Neville sat. "What is it?"

"Do you think it's possible that the potion I got back then didn't work properly? I mean, when Lestrange has made it. It would make sense, wouldn't it?"

"I did the spells for the potion," Neville assured her. "We already knew that this might be a problem and I could do the counter spell well. He only did the more complicated brewing steps because I wasn't good enough with potions yet to do this."

Alice was relieved to hear this. She was far more comfortable with the idea that the counter spell had been Neville's.

"What makes you think so?" Neville asked.

Alice told him about the symptoms she had been experiencing.

"This must be very unpleasant," Neville said. "You don't have to worry about it though. It doesn't mean that you will be going insane again. There's no danger of that if you aren't exposed to the curse again. The dreams happen because you remember this time just like other parts of your life. The other things are normal as well though they should get better with time. This doesn't seem to happen for you though; you still have the headaches and stuff too. I don't really know why, I'm sorry."

"Probably, I'm just that weak," Alice said.

For some reason, she wasn't able to do what Cordelia had done. She didn't understand it. Back then she had always been one of the most resilient among the Aurors; even Moody had complimented her on this a few times. Why had she lost this now when she really needed it?

"It has nothing to do with being weak," Neville claimed. "Maybe it is because you had to spend so much time at Saint Mungo's. That's the most likely explanation."

Yes, of course, Alice thought. He only tried to comfort her.

"I'm sorry but we should really go in or I won't have time for breakfast before I have to go to work," Neville said. "Maybe you should write down each time you're having symptoms, what you've been doing or thinking right before and what the general situation is. Maybe we'll discover a pattern this way and I'll figure out what we can do about it. It's good that you're telling me about it now, you've always kept this to yourself."

"I didn't want to bother you," Alice said as they walked back into the house.

"You're not bothering me. Dealing with this kind of thing is my job and you can only be helped when you tell me what's wrong," Neville said.

Hannah and the boys were already sitting at the table. At least, the two of them seemed to get along well which she hadn't been sure of. Alice ate her usual bowl of oats and told the children that they would have their lesson after breakfast. "We're doing it out in the garden if you don't mind," she said. "The weather's so nice."

The children didn't mind and accompanied Alice outside after Neville had left for work and Hannah had gone off to visit her friend Eloise.

"Did you sleep well, Roderic?" she asked while Francis was off to fetch the garden chairs.

"Yes, thank you. I wasn't sure where I was when I woke up though. Do you think we can talk to each on our own some time?" He seemed to be slightly embarrassed about asking.

"Yes, of course. I know we have something to discuss," Alice said. "I haven't forgotten that, I'm only waiting for the right moment."

"Thank you."

Francis returned with the garden chairs. They were spelt to be easier to lift. When everyone sat down around the garden table, Alice said: "Today, we're talking about a subject we have avoided so far. You might have learned about it already Roderic. You can help me explain it to Francis if you want to. The subject is dark magic."

Francis gave her a very attentive look. Alice tried not to be taken aback by this. It was perfectly normal that children, most of all boys were curious about this.

"I don't think I know that much," Roderic said. "Aunt Narcissa's teaching us and she thinks we're too young." He rolled his eyes.

"Well, don't tell your aunt that I've been telling you about it than," Alice said with a wink.

"I surely won't," Roderic said.

"Good. Let's begin. What is dark magic actually? Many clever people have written books about this and their answers are very different. For us, a very simple answer is enough. Dark magic is all magic that is used to harm yourself or other people. I won't tell you about the magic that harms yourself. Roderic's aunt is right; you really don't need to know about that yet. The magic that's harming others is more important though because there can be accidental occurrences of that."

Roderic looked down at his feet.

"The ways to harm others by magic can be summed up by three things. Can you think of any?"

"Killing them," Francis said right away. "There's a Killing curse, isn't there?"

"Yes, that's right. Killing people is one of the things done by dark magic. Many people believe it is the worst. What else?"

"Pain," Roderic muttered.

"You know all about that, don't you?" Francis said nonchalantly. Roderic flinched.

The difference between the two boys was striking. Francis was fascinated by these forbidden and powerful things while Roderic already grasped the realities behind them. The age difference between the two seemed to be far more than seven months. She didn't consider it fair to admonish Francis though; he hadn't meant to say anything really hurtful.

"Yes, causing pain is the second. And what is the third?"

The two boys hesitated. Francis was the one who spoke in the end. "You mean, like the Imperius curse? Making someone do what you want?"

"That's exactly what I mean, yes," Alice said.

"But why is the Imperius curse so bad? Does it hurt too?" Francis wanted to know.

"No, it doesn't hurt at all," Alice said. "Quite the opposite. It's a rather pleasant feeling."

"But why is it bad then?"

"It forces you to do things someone else wants him to do," Alice explained. "No matter what you want yourself. This is bad. Imagine someone made you dance around Diagon Alley naked."

Francis laughed and Roderic's mouth twitched into a smile as well.

"I don't think you would find it funny if it happened to you," Alice said. "You can make someone do other things as well. Eat something disgusting, slugs for example."

Francis grimaced. He hated slugs.

"If someone controls you by magic, he or she can make you do things that make you feel awful about yourselves afterwards. They can make you harm yourself or others. And even if they do no such thing, you always know they might."

Alice remembered what it had been like to be force-fed potions she didn't want, potions that dragged her into a state which wasn't very different from the Imperius curse. Calm and quiet in a way but without any control over herself, completely dependent on someone else, unable to be herself. No one had noticed her silent struggles or they had simply ignored them.

Alice shivered in the warm summer air. She had never been very worried about the Imperius curse because she had learned to fight it off quickly in Auror training. Now it frightened her more than anything. She had lost the confidence that she would always be able to resist because she had spent so many years failing to do so.

"I think I see what you mean," Francis said. Maybe the slugs had done the trick.

"Those three things are the basis of most dark spells," she explained. "In our culture, their essence is represented in three curses. Francis has already named the Imperius curse and he has mentioned the Killing curse. The pain-causing one is called the Cruciatus curse."

Roderic knew this of course but she didn't want to make him say it.

"I will not tell you what the incantation for the Killing curse is. If you ever hear about it, don't say it aloud. That goes for the other two curses as well. These curses are no toys. You mustn't speak them while playing. Every time you say the incantation, you call dark powers. Not from the outside as some superstitious people believe but form within yourselves. These are very hard to control. Don't speak the curses if you don't want the things the curses do to happen."

"I have strong dark powers in me, don't I?" Roderic asked quietly.

"Well, yours are definitely easy to access," Alice said. "That means you have to be even more careful than other people."

Roderic nodded. "I didn't do it any more since the playground," he said.

"That's good. This is your magic and you have the power to control it," Alice told him.

At least as long as they let him, she thought. Voldemort would probably want to use Roderic's talent for torture for his own purpose as soon as he was old enough. She wondered if Bellatrix had already told him about it.

She spent the rest of the lesson letting them write down everything she considered important. Afterwards, they went to the magical zoo. Both boys had requested to go there the last evening. At first, Alice had been unsure if it wouldn't cause trouble if a woman bearing the Phoenix feather badge was seen with the son of the two highest-ranking Death Eaters in public. Rodolphus had listened when Roderic suggested the zoo visit back at the Lestranges' home though and he hadn't objected to the idea. When she arrived at the zoo, she noticed with relief that no one gave her any second glances. Roderic obviously wasn't that well-known to the general public and they didn't seem to notice her badge either. Maybe the looks she had gotten in the past had had to do with her white hair and overly large robes rather than anything else after all.

Unsurprisingly, Roderic found the snakes and other lizards most fascinating while Francis liked the lions and griffins best. They discussed if a lion or a cobra would win in a fight describing the gruesome things the two animals would do to each other in great detail. Francis mainly focused on the blood and injuries while Roderic described the pain involved for both combatants with obvious relish. Listening to him, Alice couldn't help thinking that his "talent" for pain-causing magic didn't come out of nowhere after all. It had been naive to assume so anyway. She knew how the Cruciatus curse worked and what was needed to make it work.

When he knew it wouldn't be appreciated, Roderic avoided the subject but when he didn't think about it like now, he said what truly went through his head. Alice wasn't sure what she was supposed to make of that. Did he actively try to pretend to be concerned even though it wasn't true at all or did he simply not notice the links? He was still a child after all. An unsettling one though, she couldn't deny that. It was so difficult to understand what he truly felt. Like father, like son. She rather didn't want to imagine the kind of man he would grow into one day.

And still, Alice knew that it was unfair to see a young monster in him only because he told brutal stories. Francis actually did the same thing if she was honest.

"Gran, everything alright?" Francis asked.

"Yes, of course," Alice said quickly. Why did children have to be so perceptive?

"Can we go and see the birds of prey?" Roderic ask. "I'd like to see a few real falcons. They're on our family crest."

"Later. I think we should have lunch first. The cafeteria is on the way up to the falconry," Alice said. She needed to sit down for a while.

They went into the cafeteria and Alice got themselves plates of different kinds of pasta. "Can we have an ice-cream too?" Francis asked while they were eating.

"The ice-cream they have here isn't very good," Roderic said. "Fortescue's is much better."

"Nothing's better than Fortescue's," Francis said.

Florean Fortescue had sold ice-cream to three generations of witches and wizards, Alice thought. Some things stayed the same, no matter how much else had changed. If Hannah had told the truth and Alice saw no reason why she would have lied, this probably wasn't really the case for Fortescue though. If he had really been tortured to the brink of death by Voldemort and the Death Eaters he'd probably feel some of the things she was feeling as well. It was hard to imagine that. She had only ever known Fortescue as the owner of the ice-cream parlour, never as someone who knew anything of relevance for the Death Eaters.

"We won't buy any ice-cream here," she told the children. "I've promised Hannah that you'd get healthy food, Francis. What they're selling here has way too much sugar."

"My Dad's always so strict about this too," Roderic said. "He's a Healer and everything and knows exactly what you are supposed to eat. If he had his way, he'd make food plans for the entire month so we get the right amount of everything. Mum doesn't like this though. She thinks it's boring. They often argue about stuff like that."

This was information about the Lestranges' relationship Alice wasn't interested in having at all. Imagining them arguing over the food their children were supposed to eat wasn't easy. Alice found it especially hard to picture Bellatrix being interested in this kind of thing at all.

"Mum and Dad never go to Fortescue's with me either," Roderic added.

Alice was quite sure that the reasons for this had nothing to do with Rodolphus' ambition to make sure his children had a healthy diet. Fortescue's refusal to give the Death Eaters their desired information was a more plausible explanation. Maybe they had even been involved in Fortescue's torture. Alice wasn't going to tell the children about this of course.

The afternoon at the falconry went really well. Both boys agreed that they liked the various birds of prey and Alice wasn't very surprised when they started discussing which one was the most deadly.

When they returned home, Hannah had come back from work as well. Poor Neville would have to work all day. The patients remained ill over the weekend too. Francis wanted to tell Hannah everything they had done at the zoo which was the ideal chance for Alice to speak to Roderic.

"Will you come up to my room with me?" she asked.

"Yes, of course," he said and quickly followed. Together, they walked up the creaking staircase and into Alice's room. Roderic's curious eyes lingered on the Goldberry Leaf Potion bottle standing on the shelf. He didn't ask what it was used for; maybe his father had told him about it. She was glad that she had moved the picture of the Order into one of the drawers. He would surely have noticed it.

"Dad told me," Roderic said after sitting down on the chair, Alice sat on her bed.

Roderic seemed to think that this statement was perfectly clear but for Alice, it was not.

"What did your father tell you?" she asked.

"He told me what, well, what he and Mum, what, why you don't get along," Roderic said.

"Oh, I see," Alice said. She hadn't expected this. It was common policy to keep quiet about the unpleasant occurrences in the war, at least if they had been done by the Death Eaters.

"I'm sorry," he said looking at his feet once more. He did this often during the visit.

"You don't need to be sorry. You have nothing to do with it. Back then, you weren't even born.

"Thank you," Roderic muttered. "I would never have thought Dad would do anything like that. Mum neither of course, but he's always so, I don't know, he almost never shouts at us and explains everything and listens to us and he's not the kind of person to-" He stopped mid-sentence and looked at her apologetically.

"Of course this has been a shock for you," Alice said. "You like your parents of course and you don't want to believe that they have done bad things."

She had no idea what Rodolphus had told him exactly but it didn't seem as if he had tried to make him believe that she had deserved it or anything along those lines.

"Yes. I'm not even sure if I really know them anymore at all," Roderic said quietly. "I'm really sorry because of the letter. I didn't know back then. You don't want to hear about Mum's problems of course, do you?"

"You don't have to apologise for this. Yes, I think your parents have made their choice and they knew what they were getting themselves into. I know that seeing your mother in this state has been very hard for you and I also know that you don't have anyone else to talk about this to. I'm glad that you trust me enough to tell me because I'd never betray something like this to You-Know-Who."

For a short moment, Roderic smiled. He quickly apologised, Alice wondered how many times she had heard him do that already in this conversation. The child really shouldn't blame himself for the things his parents had done.

"It's just, calling him "You-Know-Who" is funny somehow. Like some very annoying person we don't really want to talk about. I like it better than Dark Lord."

Alice smiled slightly at this too. She had never thought that way about "You-Know-Who." Dumbledore had always told them to use his name but this wasn't possible anymore because of the taboo.

"You should still call him Dark Lord when you're talking to your parents though," Alice said. "That's what I wanted to talk about anyway. But first of all, I've known all along what your parents did to me obviously. I know it's not your fault but I'm still not completely well. It can happen that I'm upset about something you say or do which healthy people wouldn't mind at all. That doesn't go against you, I can't help it."

Roderic nodded. "So you're still not really well?"

"Yes. I used to be a very different person. I liked to laugh and I was confident and brave. Not like the way you know me."

"But I think you're brave," Roderic said. "You talk to me about You-Know-Who and that he's not the great person we're supposed to believe he is. Most people would be too scared to do this."

"It's nice of you to say that," Alice told him. "You need to be really careful with the things you say about You-Know-Who though. Being against him is very dangerous. If he thinks he has to punish your mother, he believes that everyone has to think he's right. If they don't, he punishes them too."

"Mum kept saying she deserved it and Dad had no right to help her," Roderic said. "It was really creepy. Not like Mum at all. She's always so strong normally."

"Yes, that's the kind of behaviour You-Know-Who expects of people. And your parents are extremely loyal to him. Your mother at least, I'm not quite sure about your father but you should assume so for both of them. That's why you mustn't tell them that you don't like him. And better don't tell anyone else either. Most people think they have to do what he wants. He is the leader of this country after all."

"Do you think he'd hurt me too if someone tells him?" Roderic asked.

"It's possible. That's why you have to be really careful." Alice would have preferred to tell him something else but he needed to be warned. "You won't like to hear it, but you're too young to do anything against him yet. That's why you need to hide these thoughts away until you're old enough."

"I'll try," Roderic said. "But it's really hard. I don't want him to treat my Mum so horribly. I want to do something about it."

"I'm sorry but you can't. Your mother chose this life. She knew what she was doing and she's old enough to deal with it. You don't have to protect her."

Alice wondered if Bellatrix had any idea about the extent of her son's feelings on this matter and if she even cared. Would she really love Voldemort more than her own child? It was at least possible.

Roderic sighed. "At least, Dad can take care of her when she's injured," he said. "I really wish you two could get along better but it's impossible, isn't it?"

"I'm afraid it is," Alice said. "Your father and I used to get along very well in the past. But then, he lost his job at Saint Mungo's and decided to join the Dark Lord. I simply can't trust him after the things he's done to me, it's one of those things I can't help even if I wanted to."

"I think he's feeling sorry though," Roderic said.

Alice thought that this was probably wishful thinking from the boy's side. She couldn't blame him. She should have thought about the conflict she forced onto the child by contacting him in the first place. She had failed to take this into consideration back on the playground. An eight-year old really shouldn't be forced to mediate between them.

"Is there anything he could do to make you feel better again?" Roderic asked. "If you knew he's really sorry?"

Alice sighed deeply. If he actually told the truth and had been protecting Neville and his entire family all those years, she might believe that he truly regretted what he had done. So far, she had no idea what his real feelings on the matter where though. He was extremely good at hiding them. It was more likely that he wanted Neville as his apprentice and simply enjoyed his little game with her.

"There are things where saying sorry simply isn't enough," she said. "Your father doesn't want to let me know what he truly thinks. As long as he does this, it's impossible for me to trust him. I have to expect the worst. Don't get me wrong, I'm not thinking about the way he's dealing with you but with me and Neville."

Roderic nodded. "There's nothing I can do about it, is there?"

"No Roderic. And you're not responsible for that. It's not your task to protect your mother or to make sure that your father and I get along with each other. These are our own problems we need to deal with ourselves. Better make sure that you learn well and that you keep your magic in check."

Roderic sighed. "Yes. I'm trying. I think it's getting better, I hope it will stay that way."

"I hope so too," Alice told him. "It will probably become easier when you start Hogwarts."

"Yes, I'm really looking forward to it. You were in Gryffindor, weren't you? Like Neville. Did you want to be somewhere else too?"

Alice was relieved that the conversation had returned to age-appropriate subjects now. She had told him what she needed to tell him and hoped that he would really be more careful as far as voicing his opinions about Voldemort went in future.

The next morning, Alice got up early again. She made sure that the pots were properly watered and decided to use the time alone to practice her own Patronus Charm. It was likely that Rodolphus would want a demonstration if she was supposed to teach it to him and she didn't want to try it for the first time in front of him. She had considered using the Patrons Charm again many times but she had never dared to really do it. Alice was afraid of the results. It might not work at all anymore. Maybe, the Patronus had changed into something she didn't like. In her worst visions, some sort of disfigured animal was created, something simply wrong in a way she couldn't name. The Charm could have dangerous side effects if the magic was unstable as well. It took its power from the subconscious and the magic there was extremely strong. If something got mixed up, the consequences could be fatal.

Alice knew that it was time to act like a Gryffindor and face whatever happened when she tried to cast the Patronus Charm again. One by one, she tried the happy memories she had used in the past.

The first evening as a Gryffindor when she had made friends with Lily. The two of them had talked and laughed together all evening after the first shyness had gone. "Expecto Patronum," There was nothing, nothing at all.

Lily was dead and so was the son she had sacrificed herself for.

The birth party for Molly Weasley's second child. A celebration of life in the middle of all the death and suffering. She remembered the happy laughter on Gideon's and Fabian's faces. "Expecto Patronum."

Nothing again.

It had been the last time, she had seen Gideon laugh.

The last day of the Resist and Survive-training at the Ministry. Alice had been sure that she had failed and that Scrimgeour wanted to throw her out, instead he had told her that she had done better than anyone else and congratulated her for being a full Auror now. The official exam had been cancelled due to the war and a tougher S&D had become the last part of training. Everyone who did well there was taken in. She had been so proud and happy, also because she realised now that Scrimgeour had never hated her but had only meant to prepare her well. "Expecto Patronum."

The spell showed no effect.

Rufus Scrimgeour had been tortured and murdered. He had died practising what he had preached and taken his secrets to his grave.

Neville's birth. The midwitch had been surprised that Alice coped with the pain so well. Frank however had not. He had needed to leave the room, blaming himself for the situation she was in. Afterwards, he forgot this quickly. They had both been so proud and happy and Alice immensely relieved because Neville was a healthy child who hadn't suffered any ill effects from spending six months in the womb of a woman fighting in a war.

"Expecto Patronum."

No Patronus emerged.

Frank had been forced to watch her enduring pain much worse than giving birth to his child could ever be.

This time, he had run away, couldn't bear staying with her anymore. He probably blamed himself for everything and thought that he should have protected her. The Death Eaters hadn't killed him or they wouldn't ask her about him but he seemed to have vanished completely. They had loved each other so much and still, he had decided to leave her, flee without her. Maybe he couldn't love her anymore, after seeing her like this, broken on the floor. Maybe he thought she was unworthy of being a Longbottom now, tainted. She didn't understand how he could have done this to her. He had always loved her the way she was no matter what the others said. That was how it used to be, not anymore.

Like so many times before, there was only one thing left for her to think: They had all left her and everything good was gone. She couldn't stop the tears from falling. There was no one watching anyway. She could not cast the Patronus Charm anymore. She didn't know how to feel happiness, hope and trust anymore.

Alice couldn't do it and that meant she couldn't teach it either. She would have to explain this to Rodolphus somehow and she absolutely didn't want to do that. She didn't want him to know, she didn't want to face whatever he did to her as punishment for her failure. After all those years of being punished by Voldemort for his mistakes, he'd surely be glad to have someone else to do this to, someone he had power over.

She didn't want to be that person! It was over anyway. Warning Roderic had been the last thing she had wanted to do. She didn't know if it had been any use. Probably, she had done him more harm than good, sown seeds of doubt in his heart. Would they ever do anything but endanger his life and make it more miserable.

Alice had not chance to really help anyone, no chance to do anything useful. She was a plaything for Rodolphus and Voldemort, a burden for her son and daughter-in-law and a traitor to her cause. Only a treacherous member of the Order of the Phoenix would ever have agreed to appeal for mercy with Voldemort.

Of course she wouldn't be able to cast a Patronus anymore. It had been their spell and she wasn't worthy of finding hope in them anymore. She who had begged the Death Eaters for mercy and would have done anything to make the pain stop, she who had not recognised her torturer at the hospital and drunk the potion offered by him like a thirsty animal. She who had done nothing at all to support the resistance, she who avoided seeing the other surviving Order members again because she felt too ashamed to face them, she who had asked Voldemort for mercy and sat at a table with Rodolphus.

She didn't deserve to find hope with them anymore.