How to get things in the open
While her fingers anxiously tapped the table, she slowly sipped her now lukewarm tea. Her eyes flashed to the large round clock that hung from the bare brick wall; the seconds seemed to be stretching out more slowly than she had ever experienced. Beside her lay a bowl, loaded with fresh fruit and yogurt, left mostly untouched as her stomach twisted and churned in nervous anticipation.
The loft was silent apart from the regular click of the second hand as it worked its way teasingly around the smiling face of the clock. Although it was still early, Schmidt had already left for his pre-work gym session and Winston still hadn't returned from his night shift. She was effectively alone with her thoughts and with her fears.
Wearily she stood and walked over to the kitchen with her dishes, scooping the remains of her breakfast into the trash can before placing both items on the countertop. All the while, her body felt leaden, unfamiliar; like it wasn't her own. Today didn't seem like reality – was she actually still asleep? Was she in her bed right now, enveloped in some kind of strange dream? She let out a strained chuckle as she trudged back to her room to finish getting ready; things like this don't happen to Jessica Day, no sir, they don't. But, she realized sharply – they do, they have, and they did.
Just as she was stepping into her room she heard the squeak of Nick's door as it swung open, surprising her and causing her to spin around. "Jess, what time is it?" he yawned, his eyes closed; stretching up his arms, revealing a glimpse of tanned abdomen.
"Um," she shook her head, composing herself after his unexpected presence, "It's eight – why are you up so early?" she asked, folding her arms as she did.
Still yawning, he scratched at the layer of dark stubble that was beginning to form on his cheeks and rested one arm on the doorframe, "Today's your appointment right?"
"Yeah…" she replied, uncertainly. "It's at 9:30."
"Okay, well, just give me some time to shower and grab a cup of coffee-"
"What? You want to come, you don't have to do that-"
Immediately his face dropped, "What, you don't want me there?"
She unfolded her arms and started to play with the hem of her short, blue skirt. One shoulder rose in a half shrug as she replied, "Well, I just- I mean, you don't have to. I wasn't expecting you to."
Mulling over her words he nodded and raised his hand to his hip, his eyes scanning the floor before he looked up again and caught her gaze, "What if I want to come with you?" he asked quietly.
"Oh, well, I mean, if you want to…"
"I do," he admitted, "Like I said, I'm in this with you. I'm not gonna let you go through this alone."
A warm glow began to slowly spread through her as the meaning of his words hit her. I'm in this with you. He wasn't burying his head in the sand, he wasn't ignoring the situation and hoping it would go away. He was behaving like a mature, caring adult and in that moment she felt the stirring flutter of unfamiliar feelings awakening within her.
"Nick, I'd actually really appreciate that. If I'm honest I'm pretty nervous," she told him. Carefully he stepped forward and placed a warm hand on her arm, looking down at her with a half-smile.
"Well, you're not the only one. But we can't avoid this," he gently squeezed her arm and a sensation of calm descended at his touch. "Okay, give me twenty minutes," he finished before turning off down the hall to the bathroom.
Lying back against her bedroom door, she closed her eyes and sighed deeply. This different side to Nick was sending her into a state of confusion– it had done that since the moment she had told him, since the night when he had held her until she fell asleep, and awoken her the next day with a fresh cup of tea. A smile curved at her lips as she considered this behavior, so unexpected yet so welcome at the same time.
The waiting room at Sadie's practice was quiet, being early as it was. The only other occupant of the grey covered chairs that lined the walls of the room was a heavily pregnant woman who was holding a copy of Baby and Me magazine in one hand, whilst in the other was a large candy bar which she was slowly working her way through.
At the farthest end of the room from the door, they sat side by side, listening to the quiet hum of the non-descript music that filled the room. Her eyes wandered around, taking in the posters and signs that adorned the walls, "Breast is best!" screamed one poster in vivid red lettering, a wide eyed baby suckling at their mother's breast beneath. Next to it was a picture showing a silhouette of a woman with a large bump sipping from a wine glass, the caption read, "Does your baby like to drink?"
Jess dropped her eyes and reached over to the table beside her, picking up a copy of Pregnancy magazine and mindlessly thumbing through the pages of happy looking women, softly caressing their stomachs and beaming for the camera. A hot flush quickly enveloped her. Immediately, she flipped the magazine closed and tossed it to her side, pushing her hands into her lap and toying with the leather strap of her purse.
"Jessica Day?" came the nurse's voice across the room; instinctively Jess stood up, clearing her throat as she did.
"That's me," she said, stretching back her arm, reaching for Nick and taking hold of his warm, strong hand as her heart thudded.
"Come this way," the nurse replied; Jess turned to Nick and gave him an anxious smile as he stood up. As they walked, he slipped an arm over her shoulder and squeezed it gently. Bending closer to her, he whispered in her ear.
"It's gonna be okay," he promised.
Sadie's office was flooded with light, the large airy room designed to make the experience of visiting an OBGYN as pleasant as possible with its cheerful décor and relaxed atmosphere. As they stepped inside, Sadie immediately came forward and hugged Jess, squeezing her tight and placing a kiss on her cheek. "Jess, I feel like I haven't seen you in the longest time, honey!" she exclaimed as she stepped backwards.
"Yeah, it's been a while right?" Behind her Nick coughed lightly and she remembered he was also in the office, "Sadie this is my, er, roommate Nick." Stepping forward, Nick held out a hand which Sadie grasped firmly and shook.
"Nice to finally meet you," she gestured to the two chairs in front of her desk, "Come, sit." As they all shuffled into their seats, Nick and Jess eyed each other, giving small nervous smiles as Sadie opened up a large, manila file on her desk, her eyes scanning the information inside before she finally closed it and joined her hands together.
"So, you came in yesterday and had some blood taken," she said.
"Uh-huh," Jess replied, nodding rapidly.
"Well," Sadie began, reopening the folder and running her finger across the lines of typed text, "I'm not sure how to tell you this, but," she looked up and gave Jess a straight mouthed smile, "You're not pregnant."
The silence that this statement created was such that you could have heard a pin drop. Without a word Jess began to open and close her mouth, shocked, unsure what to say at first. "Um, Sadie, I took a test, I mean, I thought the blood work was just a formality," she finally said, a giddy feeling beginning to settle in her stomach, pushing the sick feeling from earlier away.
"Normally it is, home tests are very accurate these days," the other woman replied, "I actually had them run the bloods twice to make sure. But I can assure you, you are not pregnant."
Jess began to giggle softly; turning to Nick she grabbed hold of his hand, "Did you hear that? I'm not pregnant. Not pregnant. Oh my God…"
At that moment there was a knock at the door and the nurse who had earlier called Sadie came into the room, "I'm sorry Sadie, can I borrow you for a second? Mrs. Masterson is here and has a question about her medication."
Placing her hands on the desk, Sadie stood up, "Sure, Amy," she looked at Nick and Jess, "Will you excuse me for a second?" before following Amy back into the waiting area.
As the door closed the two remaining occupants of the room stared at each other, Jess's giggle turning into a full blown belly laugh as the giddy feeling flooded out of her. "I'm not pregnant, argh!" she cried, her hands pressing against her temple as her eyes searched the room.
"No siree, you are not," Nick laughed, watching Jess's face spiral though expressions of disbelief. Without thinking, she reached forward and pulled Nick into a hug, leaning over and pressing herself against him. Surprised, he was thrown for a second before he wound his own arm around hers and settled into the embrace.
A hot flush coursed through Jess as she felt Nick's proximity; his breath on her neck, the feel of his arms as they coiled around her. Stiffly she began to disentangle herself from him and shuffling into her chair. "Sorry, I got a bit carried away…" she explained.
Nick swallowed and began to rub his hands on pants, "It's fine," he smiled, "I think I'm still in a state of shock here…"
"You are?" she cried, letting out a deep sigh and sinking back into the cushions of her chair, "I don't think I have ever been so anxious and worried about something." She shook her head, "Wow."
The two sat in quiet contemplation for a moment; each one's mind running through scenarios of what if's and maybes, each feeling, though hidden deep inside, the tiniest tinge of disappointment.
"Nick, I know I said this before, but thank you. I mean, we weren't like a thing, but you still stood by me."
"I can be a gentleman sometimes," he replied with a small laugh.
Yes, she thought, yes you can.
The journey home in Jess's car had been somewhat strained, but not out of discomfort with each other, but instead because once again the parameters of their relationship had changed – what were they now?
Arriving home, Jess had headed straight to her room. Waves of exhaustion- mental and physical – crashed over her as the events of the previous few days finally took their toll. The realization that she was not pregnant was slowly sinking in as the giddy feeling of earlier subsided, replaced by a more settled state. She was happy - relieved and happy. Now was not the time to be having a child, especially not with someone she wasn't even in a relationship, but still… A small part of her mused over what would have happened – would something have happened between them? Would they have become a couple? He had been so sweet - surprisingly sweet - when she told him. She'd expected a shocked reaction, maybe for him to run away, drown his sorrows in a bottle of alcohol. But he hadn't. At the same time she had another, crazy thought; part of her began to muse over what a child of theirs would look like- dark hair, of course, but would it have his chocolate eyes or her blue ones? Her sunny personality or his grumpy one? Finally, her exhaustion overcame her and she fell asleep, her dreams peppered with thoughts of what may have been.
As he watched her walk away from him, he shook his head; this morning's events still not fully digested by his brain. Yes, he was relieved; clearly he was not really ready to be a father - he could barely look after himself! But the fact that the possibility he would be had not sent him running for the hills surprised him – Nick Miller who hid his feelings, Nick Miller who never did anything that he didn't know the outcome of – had gotten himself into a situation where he hadn't panicked. Where he hadn't ran way or hid in a bottle of Jack Daniels.
He smirked a little as he prepared a fresh pot of coffee. Yep, he had surprised himself. Anyone else and he would have ran as far as his out of shape body could carry him. But this was… Jess. If he was honest with himself he knew his reactions were all because of her, because she was so… special. Yes, that was it, she was special and he had never met anyone like her.
When she had told him, his mind had begun to weave together possible endings for this story – would a child had led to them being together? Being a couple? Yes, these thoughts had crossed his mind, multiple times. He had imagined them buying nursery items together, taking her to appointments, holding her hand…
He shook his head as he poured the coffee; well it was all a moot point right now. She wasn't, and they weren't and he guessed things would go back to normal. Not that he ever thought he could act normal around her.
Later that evening, Jess was absentmindedly stirring a pot of pasta as she prepared dinner; most of the day she had spent in her room, sleeping, dreaming and thinking. The loft was once again quiet – the time now eight p.m. and her roommates were seemingly otherwise occupied.
Draining the pasta, she tossed a scoop into her bowl and topped it with a serving of marinara sauce and a sprinkling of parmesan. Since she was alone, she decided she was going to watch some TV and eat on the sofa for a change. Shuffling over to the chocolate brown seating, she picked up the remote control and began flicking through the channels as she took small bites of the tangy spaghetti.
"Hey," came Nick's voice from her left, "What are you watching?"
"Oh hey, nothing much," she smiled nervously, "Aren't you working?" she asked. He moved closer to the sofa and stood with his hands on his hips.
"Nah, called in sick, wasn't really feeling up to it today," he explained.
"Yeah, I get that," she nodded slowly, swirling the spaghetti around its bowl, "Hey, want some dinner? There's plenty," she asked, gesturing to the kitchen.
"Sure, thanks," he replied, preparing himself a bowl before moving to join her on the sofa.
Mindlessly she went through the channels, more preoccupied with who was sitting next to her and the day's events rather than what was on the screen. Silence between them was becoming an art form; not uncomfortable but not comfortable at the same time. It was a mix of familiarity and uncertainty, a response to the ever changing nature of what was between them since they first met.
Finishing her pasta, she placed the bowl on the table and swung her legs underneath her, her head resting back on the sofa as she watched a TV chef shout at an employee, reducing them to tears. She felt him shuffle a little in the seat next to her; he seemed as preoccupied as she was.
"Jess," he finally said, "Can we talk?" he asked.
"Sure," She replied, dialling the volume down on the screaming chef as she tilted her body to her right so she could see him better, "What's up?"
"What's up?" he asked with a smile, "Uh, nothing, just that this morning we were facing the possibility of becoming parents…"
"Sorry," she grimaced, "Trying to play it cool," she said as she raised her hands in the air. He twisted his mouth at her response.
"How are you feeling Jess? I mean, we didn't get a chance to talk about it really…"
"I'm-" she began before hesitating, her eyes wandering over his face trying to gauge his own feelings, "I'm relieved I guess?" she said in a half questioning way.
"Me too," he agreed, nodding, "But-"
"But?" she asked, leaning a little closer to him, her arm stretching along the back of the sofa.
"But…" he said a little shyly, "I guess I was getting used to the idea. Crazy I know," he added quickly.
"It's not that crazy," she replied quietly, "I mean, I'd be lying if I hadn't thought about what would happen."
"Can you imagine, you and me - parents?" they both laughed uncomfortably.
In the background, the TV continued to groan away, casting a bright, yellow light across the sofa. The rest of the loft was dark and the two sat quietly, watching the shadows the light created bounce of one another.
"Yeah, crazy idea," she shook her head before continuing, "And of course we would have had to try and make things work between us - for the babies sake."
"Me and you, in a relationship? Could you picture that…" Nick looked up and caught her eye in that moment he saw something, a glint of agreement, acknowledgement even. Did she want that? His heart began to beat a little faster.
"Yeah," she replied, "Now that would be crazy, we're just so – so different…" she added, keeping her eyes fixed on his, slowly biting her lip as she felt something pass over her.
"Completely different," he whispered, leaning closer to her so mere inches separated them. "Jess?"
"Uh-huh," she said breathlessly.
"Can I kiss you?"
Her mouth dropped open and her head tilted, "Uh-" was all she could reply before he closed the distance between them and placed his soft lips against hers, gently at first, only lips touching. The kisses were light, their lips barely grazing each other, until she reached out and sunk her hand into his thick hair. For the first time in weeks she felt at peace, their kiss sending her into a state of contentment, it felt so right, so good, she didn't want it to end.
Lifting his head back a little, he traced the outline of her cheek with his fingers, staring deep into her blue eyes, "I was excited Jess. About something real between us, even a child," she reached across and took hold of his other hand as he began to push strands of hair away from her face, "I know it's crazy but it's how I felt. I wanted something to happen between us since the beginning. It just got so messy and confusing and I didn't know how to tell you."
Smiling, she pulled him in for another, tender kiss, this time tinged with a hint of passion. Finally, she spoke again, "Why don't we start over? We can't pretend none of this ever happened, but we can agree to forget all the dumb things we said and did to each other and maybe give this thing a go."
"You mean like, try… dating?" he asked expectantly.
She nodded, her hand still entwined in his hair, twisting the strands in her fingers, "Maybe if we do things the old fashioned way it'll be different."
A broad grin spread over his face as he pulled her into his lap and nuzzled at her neck. Sighing he stroked her long,thick hair with his one hand, whilst the other settled onto her waist. "Jessica," he said finally, "Would you go on a date with me? Dinner, drinks, fancy clothes, the whole lot."
"You know what Nicholas, I'd love that," she replied, resting her head on his chest.
Surprise! Thoughts?