21st of November
I'm writing this diary because I don't want to forget who I am. I can see it happen. We'll be trapped in this nightmare of a fantasy world. I'm hoping that if I'm fighting for my life in some distant dungeon, I'll look back and remember what used to be. Maybe I won't lose my humanity. Because as our thinking patterns decrease, so does our humanity. I don't know why I'm writing like this. Ok, I do. Because that hour in starting plaza after Akihiko announced that we were stuck in this game was hell. I was so scared, and so was everyone else. Everyone was screaming and running about. I was crushed in the bodies and was almost trampled. I didn't know which way was left, right, or even up or down. I just knew that there were bodies surrounding me and it was hell. I was so scared, even more scared than when the announcement was actually made, but I pushed my way in one direction and came up for breath, out of a sea of fear and terror. I ran away to the outskirts of town and I spent the night in a tree. I froze, the game simulated temperature of early winter. I thought about my mom, dad, cousins. What would they be feeling? How distressed would they be? I cried more than I ever did thinking about that. And it still feels so strong, like a keen knife in my heart that gets flicked around whenever I think about my family.
The next morning, I had cried myself dry for the moment. The anguish was replaced by depression. When I went back to town and saw that the panic was over. Anger born from fear had replaced it. There were so many people just lashing out at each other. They were already so stressed it was like seeing the barnacled rocks jutting out of the sea after the tide receded.
I knew what I had to do then. I knew that I'd have to climb to the 100th floor, just like Akihiko told us to. Then I'd get out and see my family, so that none of them would cry like they must have that fateful day that seems so long ago already, when they found out that I was, to all effects and purpose, dead.
22nd of November
It's funny that I've only just realized why Akihiko only made craftsman and direct combat classes. I never really thought about it before, but now that I've calmed down I can see that he wanted us to experience the fear and rush of battle as we battle our way up the dungeons. But even without the magical aspect there are still loads of options for classes. I've chosen to use a standard sword with a small buckler. I want to be a soloist. After seeing the reactions of people, I don't want to have anything to do with them. They'd betray me without a second thought if it meant getting to the end. Even if it increases the risk for me, I'd rather just grind and get to a high enough level rather than trust my back with those cowards. I brought a shield (I used the standard issue sword) and went to the dungeon. I've been hearing loads of abuse towards the beta-testers. That they cheated and just left all the helpless victims that were the ordinary players, looting everything, bagging the best grinding spots, all that crap. Fucking bullshit, the whole lot of it. The players wanted someone to blame, so in their cowardice they'd chosen an easy target: Beta testers.
Ok, so I was jealous of them. Who wasn't? They'd had extra experience with this game. But if anything we should be asking them for help, and they should be leading us, not just hiding away because some players just can't take the pressure and need a punching bag. Fuck. This is why I won't have a partner. We act all civilized, but in the face of danger, we turn back into monkeys hiding in our cave. And we'd be greeting danger to its face a whole lot.
But whatever the other garbage that the truth swam in turned out to be, the truth remained the same: the first floor had been cleared by the beta-testers and they had rushed ahead. And that's the kind of person I want to be: Cold, uncaring, and clearing. So what if ignorant idiots hurl abuse at me for not giving tender loving care to the suicidals and the weaklings. All they've done is just add oil to the fire, stir up the resentment. There have already been more than 1000 suicides, and more and more of them just keep on going. The beta-testers haven't been egging on the players who can't face up to reality. Fuck, that really turned into a written rant. But that's just me; In the worst of times, I might start PK'ing people in a paranoid, fear-driven crowd.
I'm working on my skills so I can pass the floor quicker than the others. This floor's around 10 kilometres across, and there were plenty of boars and wolves to practice on. At first I stiffened up and only barely dodged, but after a while the animals started getting predictable and I could kill two or even three at once. I got level-up notifications sometimes, but I didn't check. I then worked on dodging at the last minute and striking a vital point. This was way harder, and I almost had my sword yanked out of my hand. But, I practiced, and had a pretty good success rate of hitting the hamstrings, eyes and neck. It sounded easy but it wasn't. For one thing, it took three days to get to that point, and I must've used all the money from the drops I got on health potions. The pain absorber wasn't that high, and it really hurt when I got rammed in the stomach by a boar, or got my shoulder bit by a wolf. Any time that happened, I just ran out of their agro zone and heal up. I must've had andrenalin run through my brain all those days. I'd gotten pretty confident, and I've now struck level 9.
The worst thing about writing this journal is that I start thinking. I start thinking about my parents, about my cousins, about my friends, about my old life, about the things we used to worry about. I start crying every night without fail, it's pretty embarrassing. Even when I'm writing this journal I'm holding back tears. But crying is better than not thinking. Will some people not think and carry on turning themselves into mindless beasts just to numb the pain? I get so scared, not of dying, but of seeing what other people have turned into. I see monsters in dungeons, but I dread the day when I see monsters wandering the safe zones in the forms of players.