26th of December

Not much's happened since. The clearers didn't clear the floor by the time we got there, and the maps hadn't been that widespread. On top of that, I didn't feel like going into a dungeon filled with cowards and assholes. Of course, it doesn't matter where I go, I have a first class coward trailing along with me. But I don't mind him, because he doesn't lie to himself. I called him out when he was drinking so I could feign tipsiness, but he just agreed "Course I am. Always have been, even in the real world. Plenty of people like that. So what?"

I didn't say anything, but I guess I'm letting him tag along. So we've been grinding in this misty forest. The visibility's lower but we haven't gotten lost. I think what I find most annoying about Jaden is his ability to smile all the time. Even when we're walking through town to resupply, he has his smile plastered on his face. I really can't stand it, so I don't look at him often.

We're going to try the dungeon tomorrow. Well, to be more accurate, I feel like trying out the dungeon tomorrow and Jaden'll tag along without fail. There're a couple of new weapons in the shops, but I don't need them. In any case, I've constantly been using all my money on vitality and health potions, so I couldn't afford them. I've only just been scraping by on the money for the inn as it is.

3rd of January

I don't know whether to be scared or satisfied that I'm not scared when I go into the dungeon. I also don't know what the fact that I feel Jaden' absence means. And I don't like not knowing. That didn't happen before, so if that happens, then I've changed. In only one month. That's awfully quick, much quicker than I thought. Of course, I could just be overreacting, but I don't know. And I don't like not knowing. Anyways, I'm rambling. Jaden and I were in the dungeons for the past few days, and we mapped out quite a bit. We decided to do the go-as-far-as-you-can-in-one-direction approach, and we mapped out the area around the wall on the right.

For some reason, Jaden didn't take pride in his speed. Which was weird. Everyone takes pride in something, it gives them something to hold onto. I'm no different, I take pride in my superiority, which most people call arrogance. But Jaden didn't. He seemed to dislike running about with that high agility of his. But I didn't ask. Everyone has secrets, and I found that out just today.

He came running towards me and told me we had to go back down to Starting City. I must've looked really judgemental because he quickly explained and he did it concisely. That's not something that comes easy to him. He said that a group of players calling themselves The Army had established themselves and meant to help everyone on the first floor stay safe. Good for them. Altruistic intentions are always nice until it turns on its head like communism did. They were facing an opposing group, a group made of religious fanatics. Well, religious people turned fanatic. They had been reconciling all their different relgions in a different attempt, and even after a month their beliefs were still flimsy. But what they had realised was that there was no heaven or reincarnation. Since their souls were trapped in an ungodly machine, their souls would keep on cycling around in the system as long as they were trapped. The solution? To commit mass suicide.

Well, fuck. And what did Jaden want to do? He wanted to go help one of his friends who had been caught up in the mass fucking revelation. He looked at me, like he expected me to go with him, but seriously? We'd worked together unwillingly for just over a week, did he think that that entitled me putting out my neck for him? I told him to go if he wanted to, and the expression on his face was scary. I can recall it so well. It was like he'd been broken from the inside, and just one touch would have shattered him. It was like he just realized I was a monster he had been travelling with.

And then he left.

Fuck him for making me feel like this. Who the fuck was he to control my feelings like this. Am I really the monster he thinks I am? I've always been uncaring about others, was this the monstrosity inside me?

Fuck.

I just really don't know. Jaden'll fail of course, there's no way he'll be able to convince someone who's so dead set on delusion. But if I went, I could save his life. But why should I he'll just end up betraying me again. I just don't know.