Chapter Seventeen

She stirred. The arm around her got tighter. She felt a kiss on her forehead and opened her eyes to see Cullen smiling at her, "Hey there," he said.

She smiled back, "Hey, yourself," she looked around and realized what happened, "Oh dear, I didn't mean to doze off like that."

"It's ok...I didn't mind," he said as he closed the book he had been reading. She tightened her arms around him and buried her face in the crook of his neck, taking a deep breath and sighing happily. She giggled.

"What?," he asked curiously.

"Nothing," she said with a grin on her face, "it's just that you smell so differently without your armor on. That's all."

Cullen smiled at that, "How so?"

"Well, with your armor, I've grown accustomed to metal, and leather and polish. Without it, you smell like oranges," she took another breath, "and cinnamon...and something I can't quite place, honey, maybe?" She smiled as she imagined Cullen rolling around in harvest pies every morning before starting his day.

Cullen's smile dropped slightly, he sighed and corrected her, "Not honey...it's lyrium. If it's a sweet scent, I'm fairly certain that's it."

Evelyn sat up and furrowed her brow. She should have known, "I see...I should have realized." She paused before her curiosity got the better of her, "How bad is it?"

Cullen smiled at her, "It's not terrible," he shrugged, "just something I've grown to live with, that's all."

"How often...? I mean, I've never seen you..."

"Two a day, when I wake up. And it's been that way for years. After almost twenty years of being a Templar, that's actually very little."

Evelyn thought about what he had said, then, "We speak of mages freedoms, but it's just a different kind of prison for Templars, isn't it?"

Cullen regarded her, "I never thought about it like that. I think of it more as a job requirement, that's all. It's just something that has to be tolerated."

Evelyn shook her head, "If you say so. It's actually quite sad, and somewhat disturbing, for me to think about, but I'm not in your shoes. I suppose I'll differ to your position. Of course, I also hate lyrium, so..."

Cullen took her hand and pulled her to him, "Can we talk about something else?", he asked while burying his face in her neck.

Evelyn laughed, "Like what?"

He inhaled deeply and kissed her neck, "Like how wonderful you smell, instead." He gave her neck another kiss, then another. He sucked lightly on her earlobe, then nipped at it playfully.

Evelyn felt the most wonderful shivers up and down her spine. She wanted it to continue, but put her hand on his chest and pushed him away slightly anyway, "Cullen, wait..."

Cullen stopped and sighed deeply. He looked at her, clearly disappointed, "I'm sorry. Maybe I shouldn't have...I just assumed that with us...I thought you'd be ready to take our relationship a little further, that's all." He brushed her cheek lightly with his thumb and for a second, Evelyn recognized the signs of a man having a debate with himself. He continued, "I love you. I've waited so long to be able to say that. I can wait a little longer to show you."

Evelyn's head was spinning. She was trying to decide which part of that statement to respond to first. She had kept her own feelings for him in check. She'd realized awhile back how much she cared for him, but didn't want her imagination running away from her with something that could never be. But here he was opening the door to a future that may be possible. Then the other half of that statement hit her. Wait, what did he mean, until she was ready?!

Evelyn took a deep breath, "I love you, too. I have for months now. I just don't want you to do something you'll regret."

He looked at her puzzled, "Why would I regret anything that concerned you? I've been waiting for you to decide when you were ready."

Now it was Evelyn's turn to look confused, "What about your vow of chastity?"

It took about two seconds for Cullen to process what she had said, then he exploded into laughter.

"What? What's so funny."

Cullen was laughing so hard he could feel tears start to form in his eyes. He tried to regain his composure as he said, "We're soldiers, Evelyn, not choir boys."

"But I thought..."

"Where on Thedas did you hear that?," he was still trying to stop from laughing as he imagined groups of very frustrated templars going off to battle. Well, they'd have to take it out on something, he guessed.

"Well, isn't it common knowledge? I mean, I'd thought that was why you ran away from my cousin, because the chantry...and then, with no experience...," she sighed.

"My dear," he said as he squeezed her hands, "there seems to be an awful urban legend floating around somewhere, and how it got started I haven't a clue, that we take a vow of chastity. Please allow me to dispel this horrible myth for you. The chantry demands a lot of its soldiers, but thankfully, chastity is not on that list. As for my situation with your cousin, while chastity isn't required, fraternization is frowned upon. I'd been in the chantry since I was twelve. And in the same circle since I was old enough to join the Templars. It was inexperience, but not because of any vow, just lack of opportunity and desire. That's all," he paused, then added, "Besides, Aveline herself was married to a Templar. Please tell me how you reasoned that."

"Well, I knew that Templars had to petition the Divine for dispensation. I figured that it included annulling that vow upon granting the right to marry."

Cullen smirked, considering it, then nodded, "I see... We do have to petition for dispensation to marry, but only because the chantry doesn't like to break up families, should the need arise. Ideally, a wife would be able to support herself, and their potential children, should something happen to her husband, but that's all. Other than that, I assure you, the chantry doesn't care."

Cullen grinned devilishly, "Was that your only concern? Is that why you've seemed resistant?"

Evelyn sighed, "That was a big part of it, yes...but also because...well, you're a Templar and I'm..."

"The Viscountess of Kirkwall?," Cullen interjected, "The woman whose captured my heart? One of the most caring and giving people I know?"

She smiled a little, "I was going to say an apostate. I have no right be in love with you, much less consider any kind of a future together. At least, not any kind that you deserve. My family was constantly running because of my dad, Bethany and me. Is that what you want?"

Cullen sighed deeply and put his arm around her, "I understand, but you are part of the reason I'm working so hard to make sure that the world you grew up in is not the one that persists. You're right when you say that it needs to change. And I'm working on changing it with you. Please stop trying to determine what I need and want and start focusing on what we have together right now. Nobody knows how this war will go or what will happen, but I can guarantee you that whatever the future is, I want you there with me. Is that enough for now?"

Evelyn considered it and nodded, "It's more than I've allowed myself to think about. It'll do."

Cullen softly kissed her, then kissed her cheek and nibbled on her ear, "Now, my love, where were we?"

At some point, they had decided the sofa was too constrictive and had moved to the bed. Cullen was nothing like Anders had been. Where Anders was very passionate and intense, often to the point of wearing her out, Cullen was equally as passionate, but took his time. Because he didn't have the benefit of Warden's stamina, where he could try again later, he made every second count. At one point, Evelyn had mentioned something about Templars knowing how to torture mages and Cullen teasingly replied that he had waited this long, he was going to make sure they enjoyed it. Anders may have shown her how great sex could be, but Cullen had shown her how wonderful making love was.

As they lay there, hot and sweaty and trying to catch their breaths, Evelyn cast a spell to open the doors onto the balcony and let in a breeze. She smiled at Cullen, "Better?"

"Better, thank you," he smiled back, "I think I'm starting to like having a mage around," he kissed her. "Keep that up, and you'll make yourself indispensable."

Evelyn smiled at that as she cuddled up next to him, "That's the plan."

Cullen pressed a kiss to her lips, "I love you."

"I love you, too," then she chuckled and added, "That is definitely not how I imagined the virtuous Templar I thought you were to make love."

Cullen laughed, "You also thought I was chaste."

"Fair enough. I see since my cousin you've had some practice. I hope there's nobody in Kirkwall I need to be jealous of," she said teasingly.

Cullen smiled and shook his head, "Nobody in Kirkwall. Or anywhere, for that matter. There was no vow of chastity, but still, I haven't done that in a very long time."

Evelyn looked a bit surprised, "I see...well, for no practice..."

He chuckled, "Like riding a bike...so to speak," and kissed her forehead. He sighed, "How much do you know about what happened at the circle in Ferelden when your cousin returned?"

Evelyn thought about it, "I know that it had been taken over by a mage who conjured many demons and abominations and that she and King Alistair had helped to save it without killing everyone. You yourself told me that much."

Cullen nodded, "There were Templars who fell victim to demons everywhere. Many good men who I never would have thought could give in to temptation. But, I guess with that many abominations, it was just too much for them. I was one of the few who didn't. Afterwards, though, I wasn't the same. I was so upset with Gregoire for not demanding that the circle be annulled. But First Enchanter Irving assured him that it would be alright. And it was. But, I was young and didn't want to stay there anymore. Too many bad memories. I started questioning my beliefs in everything. The chantry, the Templars, even who I was. The demon that tried to break me showed me sides of myself that I didn't think existed, but the more I resisted, the more I could feel my resolve starting to crumble. I wasn't sure of anything anymore."

Evelyn bit her lip, "I'm so sorry...," she kissed him. He managed a small smile and continued, "So then, one day Gregoire comes to me and tells me that he wanted me gone. I asked him if he had transferred me to another circle and he'd said no. That I wasn't fit for any circle, or to be a Templar anymore, and told me that he wanted me to take some time and find out what I really wanted. He had been like a father to me and I think he was exercising a bit of 'tough love'. Before I left, he said I'd always have a place there, if I wanted it, but I did have to want it first. So, I left."

"How long were you gone?"

"A little over a year. I'd gotten out and started questioning everything. I took a lot of time to figure out who I was and what I wanted. I realized that the chantry prefers receiving its Templars from a young age for a reason. It does not appreciate those who question its authority before performing their duty, which is exactly what I had started to do. The lyrium not only allows us to do our job, but also makes us easier to control, especially since its trade is controlled by the chantry itself."

"If that's true, why did you go back?"

"Because, in realizing this, I thought that I could help make it better. I wanted to help the Templars from the inside. Aside from the chantry's influence and its philosophy about its soldiers, there are many good men who join up because they believe it's right. They want to make the world a better place and see themselves as having a hand in fighting for things like truth, honor, and justice. In that respect, I realized that's exactly who I am. The values of the Templar order itself are mine. I know that the general perception is that I'm some paragon of virtue, and I know I'm not, but I certainly try to be. It's the example I try to set for my men. So I went back."

"And what happened, how did you end up here?"

"Well, the first thing that happened was that Gregoire could tell that I'd changed. He'd commented on it almost immediately. He also saw that I was serious about wanting to continue. I'd been gone a year, and he didn't want to throw me right back in the same circle, so he requested I be reassigned. Because of my previous record, and the position here, I was sent to Kirkwall. And the rest is history," he smiled at her.

"And this?," she asked as she traced the tattoo of the Sword of Mercy, the same symbol as their breastplate, on his left shoulder.

He smirked, "I got it when I realized it was where I wanted to be."

She smiled at him, "It's damn sexy, just so you know."

He laughed, "And here I thought it was the uniform."

"Oh, that's nice too," she moved herself on top of him, straddling his hips, "but I think I prefer what's underneath."

She leaned down and kissed his neck, and his chest. Then, she kissed his lips passionately while moving her hips teasingly over him.

When she pulled away from the kiss, she had an evil gleam in her eye as her hand started to spark a little and she asked, "Tell me, Knight-Commander, have you ever played with electricity before?"

Cullen was hesitant, but once she showed him, he muttered, "I could definitely grow accustomed to having a mage around."