23rd of May, 2023
Well, I'm a coward, and Jaden isn't.
Call the news people for that huge revelation. But Jaden actually has changed. He used to hate himself for living, but after the whole Pathfinder massacre he actually put that behind him. Now that's one way to get rid of survivor's guilt: put him through an even more traumatic experience and make him realize you only live once. Well in all fairness, that's probably not why Jaden's had this change of heart, but right now I really wish he was still a coward.
First off, there's no way I'm going into that boss area. We might have the most clearers assembled ever, but there are always casualties; A small percentage that makes people think it's fine. I'm not going to be a casualty, as they so coldly reword a death, and neither is Jaden. I told him that I wasn't going to go to the dungeon and he just looked at me wide-eyed, like he couldn't believe what I was saying. I guess it must have been a bit of a surprise as I've always wanted to be on the front lines. A little weird for someone saying he just wants to see his family again. Does that mean I actually don't, that I live for the thrill of battle?
No.
I refuse to believe that. There has to be some other reason. Maybe it's pride, just me not wanting to say I had to rely on someone to get out. But I can feel myself just scrambling for an answer and failing. I always succeed in depressing myself whenever I start to write this damn journal, and it makes me wonder what the point of keeping it up is. I've already seen how futile it is to not change myself, we have to change or we'll snap just like the Pathfinders. So why do I hold on?
Back to the topic, I told Jaden he could do what he wanted, but I'd be hiding out somewhere else. I'd kept track of decent hiding places, and I told him I'd go to a so called haunted forest on the 17th floor. It wasn't like I needed to pick an actual one this time, but I didn't want any clearers seeing me hiding out on their way to glory as they beat the 25th boss. I went, actually wondering what Jaden would do, but in retrospect there wasn't much to think about. Jaden's always stuck with me, through thick and thin, no matter what happens. I used to ask him if he wanted to leave constantly the first month after the Pathfinder incident, but he kept on saying no. And he's said no this time as well.
We've camped out in the hollow of a large tree and we're just sitting there. He's had his head down and just staring at the inside of the trunk. I'm going through the items we have just to relieve the feelings inside me. I don't know if it's boredom, guilt, self-hatred, or whatever. The last two are new, and I'm sure they, along with a plethora of other feelings came along with Jaden.
What's going to happen now between me and him? Will he leave me because he's gotten sick of my decision-making? People seeing me must think I'm made of ice; implacable, immovable, logical. But I'm not. I'm just feeling so many emotions as I go through all of this. And the thought of Jaden leaving me just hurts so much, like there are a dozen baby lizardmen running about in my intestines. Jaden has changed me. I've gone from scared, hating and decisive to torn, dithering, vulnerable. And this is what people call "being human?" Bullshit. Why does being human have to include being vulnerable to betrayal, disappointment, fear of loss. Why should I be open to harm like that, and why does so much of me want to be vulnerable to other people, Jaden in particular?
A/N: Sorry if this wasn't the epic 25th boss battle you were hoping for. But don't worry, more stuff will happen soon. Thanks again to Desdendelle for proofreading my story.