14th of July, 2023

Humans are really just so freaking fragile. I'm not talking about bodies; I knew that tendons, muscles, ligaments, everything could snap by walking unbalanced. Even before this new life (I don't like calling it a game) started I knew how easy it was to break bodies. Now it's so much easier, just a couple of algorithms and everyone starts dropping like raindrops. One slice from a non-existent bunch of pixels can kill us, even if we don't feel anything.

That's not what I'm talking about though. I found out how fragile minds are. Then again, in retrospect my mind was probably cracking up, something only Daniel saw. Well, I suppose that strengthens my case anyways. Back to the topic, I really can't imagine how many ways the mind could get cracked. And even though I see it happening, I still don't understand any of it.

I guess it's my fault as well as Tarako's. When I asked her what must have been the deepest questions she ever heard she had to have really thought it over. In retrospect, I should have taken the hints from Masaki. He had been telling us about how Tarako was getting a little overprotective, starting to worry a little about him taking too many risks; so serves me right for being off in my own world.

Things came to a head last night. We'd just gotten back from another quest, finding some NPC's golden watch that just happened to be guarded by ravenous magpies with beaks dripping with paralyzing poison. Masaki got stung and started getting pecked to death by the horde. I saw sense (at least I did at the time, I hope) and started climbing the tree where the watch was. I only found out what happened when I got down and Tarako ran at me with her spear.

I threw the watch to Takuma, who had a grim smile on his face. I think smiling's his defense mechanism, just like getting scared is mine. I'm glad I figured that out because at the time I thought he found the situation hilarious, which made me want to slash his hand off.

I can't really recall exactly what she said, but it was along the lines of "What-the-fuck-were-you-doing-you-just-left-Masaki -you're-a-complete-fucktard..." etc. I tried to get a word in, but realized that wasn't going to be possible, and it wouldn't help in any way. Her irrationality really pissed me off. Everything worked out fine, and if I didn't climb the tree we would have been at a huge disadvantage when the magpies all gathered around the nest. I told this to her, but she didn't listen, just gave me the finger and stalked off.

Later, I found Takuma and asked him what I should have done. I've never been one to doubt my actions; if I start doubting myself as well as everyone around me what do I have left? Travelling in a group is different though, and I was wondering if there was some other way I should have acted.

Takuma just looked at me and said "Everyone's different. You make decisions based on logic, Tarako does things based on feelings."

Was that just his way of saying I was rational and Tarako wasn't? I asked him that, but he just shook his head "Irrational is when we do something out of the ordinary. I'm sure you've noticed how many decisions made in this game are down to feelings. I'd go so far as to say that thinking things through with logic is irrational."

Well, congrats to Akihiko for making a world where thinking logically was irrational. That still didn't answer the question of what I should have done. When I asked Takuma, he thought for a bit, then said "You are you. What you should have done is what you would have done. Don't think about it too much, just because someone you value starts seeing you in a different way."

I told him I didn't value Tarako's opinion, but he didn't believe me.

17th of July, 2023

I suppose we're all over that incident with Masaki nearly getting pecked to death. At least, that's how Tarako thinks of it. For me, that was the incident that made me realize how easily connections can be broken apart. Things still aren't the same between Tarako and I. She's gone past the glaring-at-me-every-time-I-walk-by stage, and now she's in the stage where she's just ignoring me, which is fine seeing as I don't really feel like apologizing to her. That is probably what she's waiting to hear, but I'm not going to fold.

I probably should, because then it might go back to how it was, but I won't. I'm not going to lie just to keep up the illusion that we all love each and every bit of each other. Masaki's trying to reconcile this whole thing between Tarako and I, and I feel a little sorry for him. He came up to me this afternoon when we had finished grinding and told me that Tarako was just being protective, she meant well, etc.

I asked him if he had been in much danger of dying, and he hedged around that answer. I guess this wasn't going to be a conversation where either of us were going to be honest with each other. He then went on this spiel about how everything would be much better if Tarako and I made up, and that Tarako shouldn't have attacked me that day.

I can't be sure if Tarako sent him, or if Masaki had taken it upon himself to do it. I'm pretty sure it's the latter because he's just that sort of guy to wants everyone of us to be in Happyland. I smiled and said that I'd think about it, and he seemed happy with that and left.

With brain power like that, I don't know how he and Tarako made it so far into the game without being betrayed or conned. It must have been Takuma. I don't get why Takuma hasn't gotten sick of them already. I definitely would have left two idiots like that to die long ago. Is it only because Tarako's his sister? I suppose that could be a reason, but if Takuma really found Tarako unbearable to be with, he'd leave her.

I guess that's just life: tolerating people's bad traits for their good ones. No one's perfect, and we just have to choose to be with people's whose good traits we value. I should just be glad that I get to choose who I'm with. That doesn't explain why Daniel stuck to me, though. Does that mean he thought putting up with me was worth it? I can't remember once showing a good trait in the months that we were together, but something must have kept him with me for all that time. Completely irrational, but I guess that's the norm in this world.

So, I'll put up with Tarako, because Takuma does, and I trust that he has a good reason. You have to put your trust in someone, and Takuma seems like the most rational person in this world.