Hey guys, sorry I've been slower. I did some thinking about the plot. I think I know where I'm going with this.
Enjoy and review, so I can know if I'm doing at least something right:)
We don't go any further.
As strange as that sounds, I'm not upset about it. I'm glad.
It's not about Katniss' inexperience anymore. It's about mine, really.
I am so not ready to have sex with her after what happened. Because it wouldn't be just sex anymore.
It would be...I don't even want to think about it. Let's just say it would hold a meaning that goes beyond the mere physical act of having sex. And I am totally unprepared for that. So I am the unexperienced one now, and I'm thankful she doesn't push it.
That thing that happened in the bathroom...I don't know where it came from. Normally, I wouldn't let myself be so sincere or open about my emotions with anyone.
It's who I am.
Well, to be correct, it's who I've become.
I've always been shy about expressing my emotions, yes, but it's not like I was a stone either. I had feelings.
Now, though, I don't openly talk about them, fearing that it would only make me weak. And I started to use irony instead of words of affection, as a defense. When things get too intense for my liking, I'm not comfortable. So I usually stop before they even have the time to get too intense.
I can't remember the last time I hugged someone. Okay, maybe I do, but I don't want to, because remembering would open a door that no key could ever lock. It took me a long time, but I eventually taught myself how to be in control of my emotions. How to avoid them. How to not feel them. It was more of a necessity than a choice. It was my way to stay alive.
Numbness has been my refuge ever since. It has come to the point where, if I meet someone that catches my attention, or with whom I seem to share a special bond, I just run away. I willingly avoid relationships of any kind, just so that I can't to get too attached.
"Hey, I really think you are funny, and interesting. Maybe it's best if we don't see each other anymore".
That's literally how my mind works.
The only person with whom the running away/being a bitch strategy didn't work was Finnick. He was too stubborn and too smart to buy it. Maybe he was also as lonely as I was. And I'm glad because he's the one who kept me from becoming just a hollow shell of a person. He's the one who kept me sane.
But even with him, I'm not affectionate. I mean, he's my best friend and I'm not even sure I've ever said to him that I love him. When he says it to me, I usually punch him. He knows that's my way to say "me too". But I really do love him, especially because me punching him doesn't keep him from saying it.
So yeah, the bathroom thing, that was completely unexpected and it left me overwhelmed. Because I let my feelings show. And that doesn't happen. It doesn't happen with Finnick, and I've known him for years.
It sure as hell shouldn't happen with Katniss. But it did, even though I barely know her. That was a typical "run away, Johanna!" situation.
But, for some reason I'm not ready to acknowledge, I didn't run away...
...and I'm glad I didn't.
Also, since I've made a hobby out of being so unpleasant to people, hoping they woud eventually take the hint and leave me the hell alone, I am so not used to be treated like I am an actual human being.
I am not used to feelings, but, more than that, I am completely rubbish when it comes to being the object of someone's gestures or words of affection.
I don't remember how that works.
My father died when I was six, and after his death my mother was too preoccupied with finding a way to keep us all alive that she didn't have the time to be affectionate. Not that I balme her, she did what she had to do. She fed me. She gave me a house. Taught me to be tough. She was my rock, and I loved her.
That doesn't change or justify the fact that my cheeks still burn because of her hands.
Katniss' touch lingers on my skin in the sweetest way possible. So gentle, so caring. I forgot how warm a loving hand can be, how such a simple gesture can hold such an infinite amount of affection.
Knowing that the hand belonged to Katniss...it makes my head spin. I feel dizzy.
That's why, while we keep staring at each other, naked, both free from make up and in the middle of my bathroom, I am too scared to kiss her and too happy to move. I don't know if it makes any sense, but that's how I feel.
So I just stare.
Then, when I feel that if I look at her one more second I'm either going to consume her or fall in love with her (and both things are dangerous) I take her hand and we return to bed.
From that moment on, I just hold her.
What I don't realize, at least not right away, is that holding her is even more dangerous that having sex with her.
It's the final proof that I care.
At first, it's just an arm around her waist. I can live with that. But then she gets closer. Her legs around me, her head on my shoulder. I forget the difference between her skin and mine.
I cover us with a soft blanket and I enjoy this personal, unexpected heaven I seem to have conquered. I didn't even have to fight for it, kill somebody. I almost pinch myself: it's too easy to be true...
I wake up in the middle of the night. I look at the clock, and that almost causes me to have a heart attack.
It's 4 am in the morning.
"Shit".
We must have fallen asleep.
"Shit, shit, shit".
I'm panicking. It's four am and she's still here. They can't find us, they can't know. I mean, she is supposed to be in love with Peeta. It's hard to believe she is, with her sleeping in my bed and all...
She has to go, now.
As peaceful as she looks, I have to wake her up.
"Katniss. Katniss, wake up". I gently shake her shoulder, and it seems to be enough. She opens her eyes slowly, sleep still in them, making them foggy and unfocused.
"Johanna? Why did you wake me? Go back to sleep. You are so comfy".
For a moment, I forget the gravity of the situation and I just laugh at her comment. She's something else, really.
"As much as I love to be your pillow, brainless, and believe me I do, you have to go", I say, stroking her cheek with my thumb, just because I can. And because I'm realizing I won't be able to, later,
"But I don't want to" she protests, and that's when I notice how young she looks.
"Katniss, I'm being serious here. You have to go and be in your bed before they wake you. Imagine how it would look like, if you didn't return for breakfast and just go to training...with me. What would people think? What would Peeta say?". I hate to say this, but I know it's the truth. The consequences would be disastrous. For both of us, though it's her I'm more worried about.
"But I don't care about him, Jo..." she mumbles. Then, faster than a lightning, I watch her as the realization hits her.
"Peeta" she says. And, surprising both me and herself, she adds "Shit".
That makes me giggle like a girl, I'm almost ashames of the sounds I'm making.
"Didn't know you had it in you to curse, girl on fire. You've been spending way too much time with me lately. Not that I'm complaining", I say with a smile.
"What time is it?" She asks, now fully awake and very alarmed.
"4 am. We must have fallen asleep. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to cause you trouble...but I am not sorry you stayed though". My face is serious when I add the last part. I want her to know I'm not sorry about us, and I'll never be. There are a lot of things running through my mind right now, but regret is not one of them.
She half-shakes her head half-smiles, as she gets up. The bed feels suddendly cold without her.
"What now? I just...go?"she asks. But I don't really hear her, since I'm too busy watching her naked body. She must notice because she's louder when she says: "Johanna. I need you to focus. What now?".
I shake my head in order to clean my head. God, she really does things to me...
"Now you go. You can borrow one of my shirts. Remember to take the dress with you. And it's essential that nobody sees you. You'll have to be extra careful Katniss, otherwise...".
"Okay" she nods. She doesn't need me to finish. She knows.
"Last drawer" I say to her, as she pick up her dress and her things.
In ten seconds, she's ready to leave, wearing a grey old t shirt of mine and a tormented expression that makes my heart ache. But it's not the time to be emotional.
"Maybe it wasn't such a great idea, letting you wear my stuff...".
"How so?" she asks "It's not like anyone will ever know it's yours. Besides, i like it. It smells good". She blushes as she admits to like how I smell. I have to keep myself from jumping her.
"It's not about that, brainless" I say, and my voice is an octave lower.
She just has to look me in the eyes to understand.
In a second, her lips are on mine, and my hand is caressing her back, causing a little moan to escape from her lips.
I know I have to stop. But I also don't know when I'll be able to kiss her again. So I'm conflicted.
When we finally break apart, we're both out of breath. Her cheeks are so red they seem strawberries. I'd eat them if I could.
"I really have to go, yeah?" and the tone of her voice is so hopeless I'd really like to say to her that no, she can stay here.
But I can't. So I give her one more peck on the lips and I nod.
"I'll see you tomorrow at training" I add, sounding almost apologetic. It's little consolation, really. We both know we won't be able to act as freely as we'd like, with all the other tributes around. With Peeta. I shiver at the thought of lover boy.
"How...?" Katniss tries to ask me but I don't let her. I know what she's going to ask and I don't like it. I don't know. I don't even want to think about it.
"We'll find a way, Katniss. We'll find a way" I say. I'm not sure I sound convincing, but she nods. She smiles, but it doesn't quite reach her eyes.
She's young, yes, but she's not stupid.
"Remember, just be as silent as you can".
"I'm hunter, they wouldn't hear me if they tried".
I smile at her attempt to lighten the mood. She turns around.
"I'd hear you" I say, and it wasn't supposed to sound that desperate, but it does. She freezes for a moment. I don't know if I want her to turn. It would be harder, seeing her face again after what I said. And what it implied. I don't know if I could let her go.
But then she goes on, and I breath again, relieved.
I am still watching her from the bed when she stops just in front of the door and she whispers: "Goodbye, Johanna".
Then the door shuts and she's gone.
And I try not to think about how that goodbye sounded so final in my ears. I try to.
But I can't.
Haymitch's POV
I need a drink. God, I really, really need one.
My hands are shaking, it's that bad.
I know I promised to sober up, in order to be lucid enough to be helpful. And, up until now, I have been loyal to that promise, because I have to save those kids. I have to save her. But right now, alcohol is such a tempting idea. Because I can do all that is in my power to save them. I can try and remain sober. But they're not helping. She's not helping at all.
It's almost five am and Katniss still isn't back. I am worried sick. It's not that I don't know where she is, or who's with her.
Trust me, that I know.
One look at how she stared at her in the elevator, and I knew she was gone. I am not stupid. Plus, I am a man, and I know what kind of effect Johanna Mason can have on people. The fact that it was Katniss surprised me a little, but hey...it explains a lot. Poor Peeta, he never really stood a chance, did he?
I only hope she has the sense to come back. Otherwise, we're going to have to deal with serious trouble tomorrow. Or maybe a should say today.
I decided to give her half an hour. Then, I would go and find her. Drag her in her room, If I had to.
That was half an hour ago.
How can she be so careless?
Jeez, I need a drink.
I'm almost on my feet, when I hear a noise. It's nothing, really, but I know she's there. I squint my eyes and make up her silhouette in the dark. About time she showed up.
So she's not completely insane...good.
Relief is short lived, though. Because now I have to do something I'd prefer not to.
But I promised to save these kids. And so I do.
She's still naked when she opens the door. I have to knock several times in order to make her.
"What the fuck do you want? It's five am, you bastard, and I'm trying to...".
Then there's silence. I think she has just realized who I am.
Sbam!
The door shuts. Yeah, she definetely has.
When the door opens again, she's fully clothed. I can see the worry in her eyes even though she tries to hide it, and that makes me realize just how serious the situation is. She didn't even have to ask. She knew I was there for Katniss. Well, shit. I knew that for Katniss was serious. She would't have been that brave or daring if it weren't.
But for Johanna to be this involved...I think she might care too. And that makes things even more complicated.
She lets me in without complaining. She doesn't look like her usual self, she seems smaller. My skin tingles in discomfort. Why do I always have to be the bad guy? I wish I was drunk.
This is not a conversation I will enjoy. Too sober.
We sit on the bed, but she keeps her distance. I decide there's no point in waiting.
"Johanna...whatever that was...you know you can't. It has to stop", I say.
She takes a deep breath in order to compose herself. Last thing she wants is break down in front of me.
Her eyes are covered by a veil when she opens them and speaks again.
"I know Haymitch, I know. Tell me what I have to do and I'll do it. Just make it quick, please".
And so I tell her.